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Author Topic: Demon Genesis - Chapter One  (Read 1315 times)

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Offline GrimRhetoric

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Demon Genesis - Chapter One
« on: November 29, 2012, 10:25:15 PM »
Hello. I have just finished writing chapter one for my manga which for the time is named "Demon Hunters" It's sort of cliche and I'll probably think of a better name eventually. This is a continuation from my previous thread which outlined the background story and synopsis of this manga. The thread is called "My manga backstory and plot"

This is by no means the final draft. I will probably add more detail to it some day. Anyway here it is.


---------------------------------------------------CHAPTER ONE-----------------------------------------------

A warm summer breeze blows through a lush and expansive forest. The sun is setting in the sky and the first few stars are becoming visible. Two young teenager make this place their home even though just to the west of the forest lies a growing and prosperous village.
A small fire is burning in the center of the forest. The two are huddled around the fire, placing sticks and debris into the flames. One, a 15 year old boy named Ikkatsu. The other a 15 year old girl named Misune. They are dressed in old and worn out clothing with bland and faded colors.

Misune: Brother, will we always have to live out in the forest like this?
Ikkatsu: I've told you before, we can't go back to the village. What if more demons decide to invade again? We escaped last time but if it happens a second time we may not be as fortunet.
Misune: I suppose your right... I just...
Ikkatsu: What is it, Misune?
Misune:  I just get lonely... that's all.

Ikkatsu: You don't have to feel that way sis, you've got me and there's no better company you could have.
Misune: I know...

Ikkatsu: Anyways it's almost time for dinner. How about you sneak into the village and steal something good to eat for tonight.
Misune: Sure, anything in particular?

Ikkatsu streched his arms above his head.

Ikkatsu: Nah, just make sure its from the street vendors down on the south side of the village. They have the best squid on a stick!
Misune: Your so mean! Making me walk all the way to the south end just so you can eat your gross squid!

Ikkatsu: Whatever, we can just eat roasted porcupine again for the millionth time this week.
Misune: ...No, I'll go, I could use the extra cardio anyways.

After a few moments of helping her brother tend to the fire Misune began to head into the village. On the way there she past several dead demon bodies the two have slaughtered over the past months. Twenty minutes later she had arrived at the south side of the village. Misune detected something was off in the village today. The people she passed on the streets seemed uneasy and anxious. As she approached an unattended vending cart from behind she over heard two strangers whispering to each other.

Stranger 1: Did you hear? Three of the five members of our demon hunting squad were just killed on a mission last night.
Stranger 2: Yeah, I can't believe it. If we get attacked now we're screwed. It must have been a high ranked mission for so many causualties to have occured... I wonder who will replace them.

Stranger 1: I hear they are going to open the demon hunter trial zones tomorrow and begin searching for the replacements.
Stranger 2: Is there anyone strong enough in the village who can replace them?

Stranger 1: We'll see soon enough.

Misune's hairs stood up on the back of her neck ass a fierce expression crossed her face. "It's time" She said to herself. "I have to hurry back and tell brother about this. This is what we've been waiting for these seven long years." Misune quickly grabbed some food from the cart and sprinted off back into the woods just as the merchant was returning.

Merchant dude: HEY! GET BACK HERE, THIEF!

The merchant began to take chase.

Misune: I didn't want to have to waste my spirit energy before our midnight training session with brother but it looks like I have no choice. I can't outrun this guy with my physical strength alone...
Misune: Sorry old man, but I have more important things to do than get caught by you!

Suddenly Misune's body is enveloped in a bright blue aura which moved down and focused itself around her legs. Her speed doubled and the merchant was left in the dust.

Misune: This should be far enough.

Misune's aura faded from her body.

Misune: Darn, that took more energy than I thought I probably could have gotten away with using half of what I did! Oh well.

After some time she arrived back to where Ikkatsu was preparing the fire.

Ikkatsu: Welcome back sis! ...Hey... where the hell is my squid?
Misune: S-sorry I uh, forgot it... well, I didn't forget, I was spotted by the merchant and had to grab something really quick. I don't think he had any squid anyways.

Ikkatsu: NO SQUID? ARG, I HAD MY HEART SET ON IT AND EVERYTHING! Hm... Well that's fine but that means I'm going extra hard on you when we train tonight.
Misune: It wouldn't mean anything if you didn't give it your all!

Ikkatsu: I guess... Hey... I sensed you using your spirit energy when you were in the village. I told you not to do that unless it was absolutely nessesaary. Nearby demons can pick up on that and come and attack you. Your not an ordinary human and when demons sense something powerful they usually want it dead.
Misune: I know, sorry I wasn't using my head.

Ikkatsu let out a heavy sigh.

Ikkatsu: Anyways, bring that food over he-

Before Ikkatsu could finish his sentence he heard something moving in the bushes nearby.

Misune: Brother... do you feel that energy?...
Ikkatsu: Yeah, you've attracted a demon.

Just then a shadowy figured walked out of the brush. As he came closer the fire illuminated his body. The creature stood 6 feet tall, had green skin with black spines jutting out of his shoulders and out his spine. His feet were split into 3 long toes with huge pointy black nails. His eyes were squinted and they glowed a crimson red. He possessed a long tail with spines going all the way down it's length. The demon was rather muscular and had long grey hair.

Demon: Ahhh, so I we finally meet face to face my pretty. I sensed you in the village. That was rather reckless to release so much energy at once. Don't you know we demons have a keen ability for feeling out strong human spiritual powers so we can gobble them up and absorb their life energy? Heh heh heh.

The Demon's mouth began to salivate and drool dripped down his jaw. He licked his lips and cracked his knuckles.

Ikkatsu: Misune, get back. I'll take this one.
Misune: But, he came after me, I should destroy him.

Ikkatsu: No. He looks big and sluggish. My speed will be no match for him.
Misune nodded and took a few steps back.

Demon: Get out of here boy, I don't sense any unusual spirit energy from you. You'll be crushed. You can't possibly save the girl.
Ikkatsu: Heh, thats where your wrong, monster.

Ikkatsu made a low pitched groaning sound as a gust of wind began to sway the sourounding trees back and forth. The fire behind them began to flicker and move around violently. A vivid yellow aura began to outline Ikkatsu's figure. It grew larger and larger. Some of the energy seemed to be evaporating off of his body in strands. His groaning became louder. Nearby birds starting chirping and began to evacuate the area.

Demon: Hm, so it seems you do have some strength in you. Too bad it's still no match for me! You'll make an even tastier meal than your little girl friend!
Ikkatsu: We'll see about that.

In an instant ikkatsu vanished from sight.

The demon looked around.

Demon: Huh, where'd he go?
Ikkatsu appeared directly behind the demon.
Ikkatsu: Not far.

Ikkatsu jammed his hand into the demons back as it erupted out of his chest cavity.

The demon gasped for air and fell on one knee.

Demon: ARRGG, YOU BASTAAAAAARD!!!

As the demon turned around Ikkatsu swiftly moved back 20 feet.

Demon: PUNY HUMAN, I'LL MURDER YOU!!!

The demon charged forward in a blind rage as dark green blood gushed from his wound.

Ikkatsu took a battle stance and waited for the beast to get over to him.
The demon stretched his arm out and his claws extended out of his finger tips.
When the demon was within range Ikkatsu swept his leg and tripped the demon. As he fell Ikkatsu crouched down and punched the creature 15 times with both fists within the span of one second.
The demon's eyes widened as he spat out blood from his mouth and keeled over.

Misune: Wow! Brother your amazing! It's been so long since I've seen you fight a demon by yourself!
Ikkatsu: Poor worthless fool. Have any last words before you die?
Demon:I'll return... to destroy... you...both...

A puzzled look crossed Misune and Ikkatsu's faces.

Ikkatsu: Do you seriously intend to escape from here in the shape your in?
Demon: There's no need...
Ikkatsu: Your speaking nonsense. Maybe your head is suffering from lack of oxygen due to your peirced lung.
Demon: Don't you know...? ...Simply killing a demon... isn't enough to end their... existence.

The demon coughed up a large sum of blood.

Demon: After our bodies die.... our souls travle back... to our dark realm and...regenerate our bodies.... I'll come back... to finish you... both...

Ikkatsu let out a scream and crushed the demons head underneath his boot.
Misune flinched and turned away.

Ikkatsu spat on the shattered skull of the monstrous creature.
Misune: Is it true? What he said? Demons can't truly be destroyed?
Ikkatsu: Nonsense. He just wants to scare us. Demons delight in inducing confusion and fear in their enemies.

A long silence proceeded to piece the forest. No wind. No animal sounds. Nothing.
Misune sighed and sat down beside the fire and starred at it intently for a while. After a few moments Ikkatsu joined her.

Misune: Straring at the fire always calms me down... it reminds me of better times... back before we had to live out in the forest. When we were part of a family... before they died. After dinner I would always read my books by the fireplace and fall asleep.
Ikkatsu said nothing as he gazed into the flames.

Misune suddenly sat upright.

Misune: Oh I forgot, I have good news!
Ikkatsu: What is it?

Misune: I overheard two villagers talking earlier and they said the local D.H.S. (Demon hunting squad) was looking for replacement members! Three of them were recently killed...
Ikkatsu's grim expression quickly turned cheerful as his eyes grew bigger and a grin made it's way across his face.

Ikkatsu: This is what we've been waiting for sister. We vowed to one day become demon hunters and kill every demon we met and find the one who led the raid on our village those seven years ago... It's all I've thought about since then. Our time has come. Tommorow we will leave the forest and sign up for the trials. Are you ready sister?
Misune: Yes. We've trained for this moment for so long. I hope we've honed our skills enough to compete with the other possibles.

Ikkatsu: Trust me Misune, we have. We must became a part of the squad for our mother... and our father. We will avenge them.
Misune: I'm ready!

ikkatsu: Tonight we wont train. We will let our bodies and spirit's rest until the sun raises and when it does...
Misune: Destiny will be calling our names.

---------------------------------------------------END CHAPTER-----------------------------------------------

Heres a picture of Ikkatsu that Kinre made for me based off my crappy sketch.
« Last Edit: May 22, 2013, 07:01:21 PM by GrimRhetoric »

Offline GrimRhetoric

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Re: Demon Hunters - Chapter One
« Reply #1 on: December 16, 2012, 03:33:23 PM »
^^^BUMP^^^

Offline GrimRhetoric

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Re: Demon Hunters - Chapter One
« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2012, 08:29:17 AM »
Nobody wants to read this?  :o

Offline DBNext

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Re: Demon Hunters - Chapter One
« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2012, 09:38:34 AM »
lol u cant force people to read ur story, u must have patience, especially since not many like to read.
Alright here goes my humble critique!
The story has a Devil May Cry vibe to it, with demon hunters and stuff, but it has some originality to help it stand on its own ( i liked the abilities they have, and Ikkatsu's sounds like Naruto's Kyuubi mode which made me like it even more :D).
I cant say much about the overall plot, since it seems to be fairly simple with revenge being the focus of the story, but i hope u twist it and make it more complicated.
On a side note, something i cant seem to get: u said they left the village and decided to live in the woods to be safer, yet from what ive read, the village looks a lot safer than the woods.. i dont know maybe im mixing stuff..
Good luck and cant wait for next one

Offline suuper-san

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Re: Demon Hunters - Chapter One
« Reply #4 on: December 26, 2012, 10:04:10 AM »
odd i could have sworn i did comment on this, i definitely did read it....whoops :P
well hunting demons as DB says happens all the time in stories so meh.
but a good story and setting so far, and a good lead up into the main story if they join that team.
cant wait to read more!
and yes, not as many people will read the stories, but eventually they will :P
browse the forum and help other people, then they will also feel a bit more obliged to help you, equivalent exchange and all that :P
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Offline GrimRhetoric

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Re: Demon Hunters - Chapter One
« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2013, 03:41:12 PM »
Bumping this so it can be seen by a new generation!

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Demon Hunters - Chapter One
« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2013, 04:00:08 PM »
Your going to have to be a bit more patient with that Grim like dbnext says. I'd give it a try but i'm a bitt too busy at the moment, sorry.

However, make sure you post every chapter within this same topic, because it gets troublesome if chapters are spread across the forum.

Offline AceD

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Re: Demon Hunters - Chapter One
« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2013, 03:53:22 AM »
This is my first post and just joined cuz i wanted to comment here. I will  be frank.

IT misses:
--a 'Awe' moment for the first chapter, a single awe moment, which could compel me to read ur further chapters.

--Also, When Hero senses his sister using high Spiritual energy, Shouldn't he be alarmed and run for her rescue, instead of sitting and waiting for food?


Also, I dont know If it is good suggestion or  not, but....

When Misune reaches city, Let her see that Demon and those 'Demon hunter' fighting. When she sees them, She tries to run back to her brother, but is blocked by Green Demon. Then Hero comes in rescue and this way, he can kill demon and by saving those Hunters, they can tell him 'that demon wasn't joking about returning' and also can ask him to Join them.

 Its good but needs a awesome moment, something which gets u in an instant, It could be dialogue or execution of his fight..... a powerful rescue or a powerful finish.

thats it...Anyway, this is what I think.

« Last Edit: April 27, 2013, 03:56:50 AM by AceD »

Offline GrimRhetoric

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Re: Demon Hunters - Chapter One
« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2013, 01:05:54 PM »
This is my first post and just joined cuz i wanted to comment here. I will  be frank.

IT misses:
--a 'Awe' moment for the first chapter, a single awe moment, which could compel me to read ur further chapters.

--Also, When Hero senses his sister using high Spiritual energy, Shouldn't he be alarmed and run for her rescue, instead of sitting and waiting for food?


Also, I dont know If it is good suggestion or  not, but....

When Misune reaches city, Let her see that Demon and those 'Demon hunter' fighting. When she sees them, She tries to run back to her brother, but is blocked by Green Demon. Then Hero comes in rescue and this way, he can kill demon and by saving those Hunters, they can tell him 'that demon wasn't joking about returning' and also can ask him to Join them.

 Its good but needs a awesome moment, something which gets u in an instant, It could be dialogue or execution of his fight..... a powerful rescue or a powerful finish.

thats it...Anyway, this is what I think.

Thanks for the reply, AceD. I'm honored to have your first post be in my thread! But, yeah... I was aware of my first chapter missing that sort of "awe" moment that you spoke of and I've been trying to think of something to amend that issue. Also Ikkatsu didn't run out to rescue Misune because he is also able to sense the wear abouts of creatures with high amounts of energy - like a demon. He knew it wasn't close enough to harm her... yet. Also he knows Misune is also a fighter and is almost as strong as Ikkatsu. She can even do certain things her brother cannot which was not explained in this first chapter so he wasn't TOO concerned because Ikkatsu figured that she could probably handle it.