The Original 500 (Blue Monday)
A Style by Andrew WK Paipis
Hello, my name is narratorrr. Three r’s and don’t forget it. This evening or morning or whatever time of day it is to you folks restricted by time and space, we are following Coryn and Lego on their journey into the mysterious Old Science Division which was closed down years ago for reasons unknown. Their footsteps echo down the long, pitch black connecting tunnel.
“Aw yeah,” says Coryn, “Blue Monday by New Order. They always had good taste.”
“They?” inquires Lego.
“You’ll see.”
The words spin round and round in Lego’s mind. As they get further along, the music gets louder and a light appears at the end of the tunnel. Or should I say, “lights?” For the light (more of a glow really, I’m in omniscience training so I have to start making these distinctions now) at the end of the tunnel was constantly changing color. As they got closer they saw that the light was in the form of several alternating squares.
“A dancefloor…” whispers Lego.
“You’re about to see why the Old Science Division was closed off.”
As they get closer, Lego discerns black-trench-coated figures.
“I was a bit foolish with the design,” says Coryn, “But in the end the problem worked itself.”
Lego gasps as they finally reach the end of the tunnel and step out on the dancefloor where a crowd of Coryns boogie and slide. A Coryn stands up on the platform with headphones and a turntable.
“AHHHH!” screams Lego realizing how loud the music was, then inexplicably growing acclimated to it.
The real Coryn says something, but Lego doesn’t hear him.
“WHAT?!!!” Lego shouts.
“I SAID, ‘LEGO, MEET THE ORIGINAL CORYN BOTS.’”
“WHOA!!!”
“GOOD LOOKING BUNCH AREN’T THEY?”
“THIS IS DISORIENTING, SEEING YOU IN EVERY SPACE IN THE ROOM.”
“TRY BEING ME AND SEEING ME IN EVERY SPACE IN THE ROOM.”
“SO WHAT HAPPENED HERE?”
“I’LL LEAVE THAT FOR THE ARCHCORYNBOT TO TELL YOU.”
“ARCHCORYNBOT?”
“THE VERY FIRST I MADE. HE’S UP THERE DJING.”
SO CORYN AND LEGO— HOLD ON, SORRY! There we go. So Coryn and Lego walk up to the Archcorynbot.
“Go on Lego,” says Coryn, “catch his attention.”
“WHAT?” shouts Lego.
“DARN NARRATOR TURNED THE CAPS LOCK OFF.”
HEY, THAT’S NARRATORRR WITH THREE R’S DON’T FORGET IT.
“GO AHEAD AND GET THE ARCHCORYNBOT’S ATTENTION.”
“O-OKAY.” Lego cups his hands. “ARCHCORYNBOT. ARCHCORYNBOT! ARCHCORYNBOT!!!!!!!”
No answer.
“AND THAT’S WHY THE OLD SCIENCE DIVISION WAS CLOSED.”
“I DON’T UNDERSTAND.”
“HOW CAN CORYN BOTS FOLLOW ORDERS IF THEY CAN’T HEAR YOU?”
“I DON’T KNOW.”
“YOU SEE, TO CELEBRATE THE CREATION OF THE ORIGINAL 500 CORYN BOTS, AERO AND I DECIDED TO HAVE A WILD PARTY WITH MUSIC AND EVERYTHING. UNFORTUNATELY, WE DRANK A LITTLE TOO MUCH AND BLACKED OUT AND THE CORYN BOTS WERE LEFT UNSUPERVISED. WHEN WE WOKE UP THEY WERE STILL RUNNING THE PARTY AND THERE WAS NO WAY TO GET THEIR ATTENTION. WE LEARNED VERY QUICKLY THAT MY BOTS COULD PARTY AS HARD AS ME. AND 500 OF THEM? THEY COULD PARTY FOR ALL ETERNITY.”
“COULDN’T YOU USE A MEGAPHONE OR SOMETHING?”
“NO DICE. WE TRIED. WE EVEN TRIED DESIGNING A MEGAMEGAPHONE BUT THAT DIDN’T WORK AND AFTER THE MEGAMEGAMEGAPHONE AND THE MEGAMEGAMEGAMEGAPHONE DIDN’T WORK WE JUST GAVE UP AND CLOSED THE PLACE OFF. WE STARTED TO GET THE FEELING THAT THE BOTS WERE BEING WILFULLY IGNORANT AND IT WAS CHEAPER JUST TO LEAVE THEM THAT WAY.”
“COULDN’T YOU JUST DESTROY THEM?”
“THEY ARE PRACTICALLY INDESTRUCTIBLE. PROBABLY MY BIGGEST MISTAKE IN DESIGNING THEM.”
“SO THE ENTIRE PLACE HAS TURNED INTO AN ETERNAL DANCE FLOOR.”
“JUST ABOUT.”
“HOW DO WE GET OUT?”
“THERE’S AN ELEVATOR SHAFT THAT LEADS UP TO THE TOWER WAY OVER TO THE FAR RIGHT. THE ELEVATOR ISN’T OPERATIONAL, BUT WE’LL DEAL WITH THAT WHEN WE GET THERE. OUR MAIN PROBLEM IS THAT THERE’S A HEAVY MECHANICAL BARRICADE THAT HAS RUSTED SHUT. YOU CAN’T SEE IT THROUGH THE CROWD OF BOTS. BUT I’VE GOT A PLAN TO GET THROUGH IT.”
“WHAT DO WE DO?”
“WE DANCE.”
Coryn begins to perform an odd looking dance in which he makes a slamming motion to either side.
“THE HELL?!”
“COME ON, LEGO. GO WITH THE FLOW.”
“ABSOLUTELY NOT. I DON’T DANCE; YOU KNOW THAT.”
“I NEED YOUR HELP LEGO, COME ON. DO THIS DANCE IN SYNC WITH ME.”
“WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?”
“DO I HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO YOU?”
“PLEASE.”
Coryn stops dancing and visibly sighs.
“WHEN I MADE THE ORIGINAL 500, I MADE THEM WITH THE ABILITY TO PARTY AS WELL AS I DO, IF NOT BETTER. THAT MUCH SHOULD BE EVIDENT.”
“I CAN TELL, YES.”
“WE CAN’T OPEN THE DOOR ALONE.”
“WE’VE ESTABLISHED THAT.”
Coryn grins as Lego betrays realization. They both begin to perform the slamming dance. A corynbot joins in. Another. Another. And Another. Until the entire crowd of Corynbots is performing the Slam. Coryn gives the cue to Lego and they move towards the right of the room. It takes them about three playthroughs of Blue Monday to get to the door, but finally they are there and with the help of the Corynbots are slamming the door. It seems give way only a little each time.
“CORYN MY ARMS ARE KILLING ME.”
“SWITCH SIDES.”
Both he and Coryn switch sides and the bots respond accordingly. Soon the door has been destroyed, and Lego looks up the long elevator shaft. But the bots keep pushing Coryn and Lego without stopping and the wall of the shaft gets closer and closer.
“CORYN, WHAT DO WE DO? THEY SHOULD HAVE STOPPED SLAMMING. WE’LL BE SMASHED TO PIECES IF THEY KEEP SLAMMING.”
“I MADE A ROOKIE MISTAKE, LEGO. I UNDERESTIMATED MY OWN ABILITY TO PARTY. I’M SORRY.”
Lego looks with panic at Coryn.
Will Coryn and Lego find their way out of this slammin’ party? Find out next time on MangaRaiders!
I WILL MISS YOU READER!
~narratorrr