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Author Topic: World of Chaos  (Read 1288 times)

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Offline minzara

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World of Chaos
« on: June 19, 2012, 09:03:12 AM »
This is a story I have been working on for a very very long time. This is the first chapter! Please tell me what you think~

      World of Chaos



   It is the year AD (After Destruction) 125, and the world is in total Chaos. One of the major governments that exist in this cursed world is called The Core. They reside in a continent that has been fortified by a wall that ascends all the way into space. They use this wall to keep their citizens from leaving and to prevent them from being educated on the rest of the world. The Core is a horrible place to live in. The streets of The Core are littered with newspapers, old wrappers, magazines, and debris. The buildings are deteriorated due to lack of care and upkeep. People walk the streets afraid to talk to each other. Bodies lay in alleyways with no one there to clean them up. Death is not an uncommon occurrence in this nation, for it doesn’t even affect people anymore. There is a group of individuals that run The Core and this group is called the Dominate 7. Most of the members of the Dominate 7 are unknown to the citizens of The Core. However, the leader of the Dominate 7 has become known throughout all of The Core as an Idol. The leader of the Dominate 7 is called Minzara Skyes. Minzara is a wise man and is respected by everyone that lives in The Core. Citizens think he is a god, and he will save them from the horrors of life. They worship him and pray for his guidance. There is a dark side to Minzara however. All the words of kindness that he speaks to the citizens of The Core are just lies, and are just a cover up for the true purpose of The Core –world domination. Minzara plans to do anything to achieve this goal, so he can have his dream of turning the world into his playground. There are other nations that exist in this world that Minzara has yet to conquer. There are only two nations left that have survived the tyranny of The Core and these nations are called The Kingdom of Hive and The Asian Elite. Most of the citizens that reside within the giant walls of The Core are not aware of these nations existence. However, citizens that serve in the The Core’s army are aware that they exist, for they are always at war with The Kingdom of Hive. They will never tell the citizens that they know this, for they fear the Dominate 7 will punish them. Many young men and women fight for The Core. The Dominate 7 has managed to brain wash the youth of The Core into thinking that joining the army is the correct thing to do. The Dominate 7 has made the public, which lives within The Core, think that they are a good nation. Many young men and women die day after day to serve The Core and the evil wishes of Minzara Skyes. There is one exception to this however. There is one man that intends to destroy all of the Dominate 7. He is willing to die to achieve his dream. He has no fear.            

Chapter 1
The Man with the Robot Arm

   There are two men standing on a mat. They stare each other in the eyes. Both of them wear a blue coat with the logo of The Core on the back. The logo is just the word The Core. They wear a standard white t-shirt under the coat. Both dress in blue khaki pants, with their black boots covering them. Their boots come up to their shines. These are standard army uniforms that The Core requires there troops to wear. One man is about 5’11” and has short messy hair. His hair is dark brown. He is a bit scruffy looking. He is extremely handsome. He has blue eyes and a big smile on his face. He is semi-tanned. He has a scar on his right hand that goes down the middle of the back of it and goes up into the coat he is wearing. The other man stands with a very cocky smirk. He is about 6’2”. He is very clean shaven. His hair is perfectly cut into a forward part. His eyes are green and he has no noticeable damage to his body. He is very handsome as well. Thirteen people stand around the mat staring at the two men. All but one wear the same clothes the other two men are wearing. However, these men have all types of medals on the front right of their coats. They all seem to be high ranking generals in The Core’s army except the 13th person. The 13th person is in a black business suit standing in the middle of twelve. He has Short spiky black hair and a goatee, his eyes are very deep, you can get lost in them easily, and they are dark blue. He wears black boots. They are all in a very big gym. There is nothing other than the people and the mat. There is a big double door that seems to be the exit. One of the two men that stand on the mat fumes and stomps his feet on the ground, “Don’t put me in the same league with this loser!”    

   The other man just smiles, “insults seem to be your only ability.”

   The man, that is in the business suit, smiles at both of the men, “Well it’s good to see both you here, and you both have proven yourself of this. Now only one test remains. Let’s see who the better of you two are and that person will claim the right to lead his own personal troops.”

   The cocky man looks at the man in the suit and says, “You’re going to make a high class fighter like me fight this wimp? I have already kicked his ass many times! Another ass whopping won’t be a problem, I’ll finish him in one punch,” he laughs and looks back toward the man on the mat.

   The other man nods his head, “so be it”. He takes off his shirt and coat and throws it on the floor next to the mat, and reveals a scar on his back; the scar is a giant cross that covers his entire back. A snake is wrapping around the cross with its tongue sticking out at the top of the cross. The man in the black suit looks at it with a bit of surprise, and gets up slowly turning his back to everyone. However, he quickly looks back again at the scar for a couple of seconds.   

   He says softly so no one can hear him, “so the time has come.” and walks outs out of the big double door. Everyone looks at the man strangely, but they say nothing. Except the man who took off his shirt, who grins as the man leaves.

   The cocky man laughs, and points his finger at the other man, “I guess he didn’t want to see the beating I’m about to give this wimp ass bitch.” The man with the scar just smiles and sits down on the ground. While on the ground he slowly takes off his shoes. He throws his shoes off to the side of the mat. To get up, he does a kip up to land on his feet and slowly walks to the center of the mat. Cocky man takes off his coat and shirt as well and throws them off to the side of the mat. He then takes off his shoes without sitting down and throws them off to the side. He then quickly walks to the center of the mat, and gets as close as possible to the other man, “You ready for an ass whopping?”

   The man with the scar on his back smiles, “Sure, got any last requests?”

   The cocky man nods to the other man, “Ya for you the shut the *censored* up, not that you will remember that after I scramble your brains”. The man with the scar on his back just smiles at the comment.
   One of the twelve generals yell, “Begin!” The cocky man runs extremely fast at the other one swinging with his right hand. However, the man with the scar doesn’t dodge, and takes the punch right in the face. The fist lands right on his face in between his mouth and nose making his whole entire head jerk back. Blood comes flowing out of his nose and mouth as he falls about three feet back on the mat. The twelve generals look at the encounter in surprise.

   The cocky man looks down at the other man shocked, “Why didn’t you dodge?” The man with the scar slowly tries to get to his feet shaking from the punch. However, he can’t and just rests on one knee. He stares at the other man and grins. His face is covered in blood. The blood drips from his nose and mouth onto the ground.

   He says to the other man, “You said you would finish me in one, punch!” As soon as he says punch, he jumps up from the ground punching the cocky kid straight in the face. The punch connects with such speed and power that it breaks all his front teeth and nose. Tons of blood comes flowing from the cocky man’s face. The blood spits out onto the ground covering the mat in blood. The man with the scar continues the fist forward drilling the fist into the other man’s face. He then launches the cocky man through the sky with the fists power and sends him flying through the wall that was behind him. There is a blood trail the leads to the cocky man as he lays knocked out on the other side of the wall. The one with the scar stands up with a very serious look on his face. There are sparks on his right hand, the one he used to punch the other man. Blood also drips from it on the mat. There is a chunk of his skin missing, which reveals part of his metal robot arm. He then grins at the cocky man as he is knocked out.

   A few months before this event took place, there was an alley way not to far away from here. The alley is extremely dark, you can barely see anything. The alley is filled with trash. There is a dumpster in the alley way. A man comes slowly out of the dumpster unwrapping himself of garbage. The man’s cloths are ripped to pieces; he has a winter hat on that is dirty and torn. He wears an old jacket that is brown which is all torn, and missing an entire sleeve. His pants are blue jeans, but they are covered in dirt, paint, and food. They are torn all over, and seem to be extremely bagging on the man. He doesn’t have any shoes on, but he is wearing one sock. However, the sock has a giant hole in the front of it, which allows you to see all his toes. His hair comes all the way down to his shoulders. His beard is thick and you can barely see his face through it. His hands, feet, and face are extremely dirty; it doesn’t look like he has taken a bath in years. The man looks about thirty years old. He falls next to the dumpster and slowly gets up. He staggers across the alleyway into the streets. Once he is in the streets he looks into the sky and see’s a sign for The Core. The sign says “Join The Core now and you and your family will be taken care of for life!”
« Last Edit: June 19, 2012, 08:58:35 PM by minzara »

Offline minzara

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Re: World of Chaos
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2012, 09:03:43 AM »
A big smile appears on the man face as he whispers to himself, “My dream…” The man continues to stagger and fall down the streets. He walks by countless other people; however none of them even look at him or try to help him. They push him down like he wasn’t even there. None of these people have very nice looking cloths either. They all look like they are homeless. There cloths are torn and they look very dirty. The man continues to walk down the street, and he stumbles around like he is drunk. After walking for awhile he stops in front of a store. The store is rather small, and there seems to be very little customers. The store is a little run down. Most of their stock seems to be missing. They seem to be a food store carrying primarily food items. The man looks through the window and smiles. He stumbles into the store and attempts to casually walk around the store. He knocks over several different foods including; drink, chips, and candy bars. He grabs some items each time he knocks something over and puts it in his coat. He stumbles out of the store after doing this. He doesn’t seem to be noticed at all. Everyone just ignores him. He looks to his left as he is leaving the store and sees some cops. However, he does not panic, but just stares at them. These cops are currently making a deal with drug dealers. They are doing this right in front of everyone, and not trying to hide want they are doing at all. The man goes to walk away and hears gun fire behind him. He then looks back to see what happened behind him, and the cops have shot the drug dealers they were selling the drugs with. The man stares as he sees the cops now stealing everything they own. The man chuckles to himself, “What a Wonderful world.” The man then turns back around and continues to walk in the opposite direction. He enters the alley he came out of, and sits down next to the dumpster. He begins to rip apart the bags of food and eats it like a wild animal. Food goes everywhere. He tosses the food to the side like a beast after he is done with each bag. The man continues to eat, but as he is eating an old man wearing about the same thing as him comes up to him. However, his cloths are much more torn and ripped.

The old man says nicely to him, “Can… I have… some to, please?” The man smiles at the old man, and wraps up the remains of the food he has left.

The man holds out his hand with the food in it, “Here you can have the rest.”
The old man stares at the boy with shock, “Are you sure? The man just nods. The old man starts to eat the food. The younger man immediately leaves when he sees the older man eating. He doesn’t say a word to the old man.

The man thinks to himself while he is walking away, “you can’t trust anyone these days.” The boy continues to walk the streets slowly looking at everyone around him. He see’s children starving and random people being beaten down by cops. He eventually comes across another sign that says The Core on it. This one says, “Join Today! Become a true man!” As he gazes upon the sign he thinks to himself, “Today is finally the day Alice, Dad, and Mother. I have officially become a warrior, a warrior fit to destroy The Core. I will take revenge on Minzara Skyes, and make sure he pays for all his crimes.” He smiles once again after he thinks that. He see’s right next to the sign there is a registration building. The place looks incredible massive and is about 4 stories. It’s very hard to miss. Two giant sliding glass doors form the entrance. The Core is written all over the building.

He looks dumb founded at the entrance, “Huh, I didn’t know it was this easy to join, I guess I just walk in?” He shrugs to himself and slowly heads towards the registration buildings doors. He stands in front of the buildings giant doors and smiles to himself. The doors open up and he walks in to bright lights. The man looks around to see that this place is very different from the outside world. The whole entire inside looks very rich and clean. There is no dirt to be seen at all. There is nice furniture with no holes in them and spotless. All the employees are very nice looking and they are wear very nice Core uniforms. All the employees are clean shaven. The man looks around and sees there seems to be a giant lounge room right in front of him. There is a line of people that look nothing like him, wearing extremely nice looking cloths. They are forming a line in front of a women sitting at a desk. She is a very pretty young woman that is dress in a very professional manner. They all are being handing a clip board with paper work that they all seem to being filling out. The man heads towards the line and waits for his turn. The other people in the line give him horrible looks and cover their noses. They whisper to each other about how the man smells. The man completely ignores them and just stares off into space. The line eventually dies down and the man makes it to the women at the desk.
   The clerk smiles at the man and says,” Hi sir, how may I help you today?”

   The man smiles, “I Just turned 18, and I am thinking of joining The Core, how would I go about doing this?”
   The women looks surprised at his comment, “You just turned 18?”

   The man scratches the back of his head and begins to laugh, “Despite my appearance I am still quite young.”

   The woman smiles at him, “Well it is real simple to join The Core. Just fill out this paperwork, and take the placement and physical tests to see if you are qualified to join The Core.” She hands him the paperwork and he smiles while he takes the paperwork from her. He slowly walks away and sits down on one of the many nice chairs. He looks over the paperwork slowly. At the top of the first piece of paper it asks for his middle, first, and last name. He picks up the Pen that was on the clipboard and fills in his name. He puts down Rafe for his first name, and Winter for his last name. He thinks about what a middle name is, since he doesn’t have one. He shrugs and just leaves it blank. The next part of the paperwork asks for his Citizen Code number. (The Citizen Code is a number given to all citizens once they become a proper age of 18. However since Rafe is homeless and has no parents to attain a code for him. He does not have one.) He scratches his head once again and decides to leave it blank. He moves down the sheet to see what is next.
Rafe laughs, “Address? How am I going to pull this off?” He puts in a random address he remembers from a place he stayed out for a couple of weeks. He eventually finishes the paper work with several blanks. He takes the paperwork up to the clerk, and says, “Here you go!”

   The woman smiles at Rafe and looks over the paper work, “Rafe Winter? That is a very nice name.” She notices that he didn’t put his Citizen Code, “why did you not write you’re your Citizen Code down?”
Rafe shrugs, “to be honest, I don’t know what that is. I am pretty sure I don’t have one.”
The women frowns, “Did your parents not attain one for you?”

Rafe responds, “Sadly I am homeless and without parents.”
« Last Edit: June 19, 2012, 08:59:40 PM by minzara »

Offline minzara

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Re: World of Chaos
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2012, 09:04:11 AM »
    She smiles, “I am sorry to hear that. However, this solves our problem. We have many homeless in The Core’s army. You should have said so at first. Just wait here please, I will be right back.” Rafe nods, and continues back to his seat, he slowly looks around at the nice room. Other people keep lining up to sign up, waiting for the lady to return. He puts his feet up on another chair and puts his hands behind his head. He sits there and relaxes until the clerk comes back. The clerk returns after about ten minutes, “Rafe, this way please.” She signals him to head to the back. Rafe smiles and heads that way and they begin to walk towards the back. While they our walking to the back she continues to talk, “Rafe we will be doing the physical test first to see how strong your body is and can withstand the strain of being in the army. After we are down with that test we will begin placement test.”

   Rafe nods in acceptance, “Yes, Ma’am.” They continue down the hallway until they get to a room that has about hundred other young men about Rafe’s age there. All of them are nicely clothed and clean. They wear very nice suits without a single piece of dirt on them. Rafe is completely out of place.

   The woman smiles, “This is the place Rafe, go in there and the physical test will begin soon. I wish you the best of luck”.

   Rafe smiles and nods at her. She turns around and starts to walk away. However, he stops her from walking away and asks, “Lady, may I ask your Name?”

   She smiles at Rafe, “It’s Sally. Thanks for asking.” She smiles again and walks down the hallways. Rafe watches as she walks away. His eyes slowly begin to glance down at her ass and he smiles even more. He turns around and walks into the room. Everyone in the room stares at Rafe as he enters the room. They all give him a very evil look and look at him with disgust. They think he is a lowlife and does not belong there. However, Rafe is not affected by them and he just smiles. He enters the room ignoring all the looks people are giving him. The room is not very big and is very plain. There sits a stage in front of the room and that is it. The room is cramped and Rafe has to push his way through to move. The room is so small that Rafe can hear what the other men say about him.

   Rafe overhears a couple of the young men saying, “Look at that man. He disgusts me. He looks like a weakling. Look at that stupid face! I just want to punch him in that stupid face!  How about we kick his ass?” Rafe laughs at their comments and continues to walk through the crowd.

   He slowly pushes his past all of the men. However, one stands in front of him with a big grin on his face. This is one of the men that you saw earlier in the story. The one that was very cocky. He yells at Rafe, “why is a reject like you trying to join the core for? I will kick your ass you low life piece of *censored*!” Rafe smiles at the man and tries to walk past him. However, the man puts his foot in front of Rafe and yells, “where do you think you are going? I asked you a question and you should give me an answer lowlife.” Rafe smiles again and tries to push himself along to the front. The man gets extremely angry and punches Rafe in the face. Blood comes flowing out of Rafe's mouth. The blood covers the ground and Rafe falls onto the floor. Rafe hits the floor hard and his face lands in his own blood. The man kicks Rafe a few times on the ground and says loudly, “look at this weakling! Do you want weak a piece of *censored* like this in The Core?” he laughs loudly. Rafe gets up off the ground slowly. He wipes the blood off his mouth and face. Rafe continues to walk forward looking at a sign of the core that sits in front of the stage. The Sign of The Core has two swords crossed between Minzara Skyes face and it says, “Fight for the future” on the swords. He smiles at the sign and continues to push his way forward looking at that sign. The man chuckles and says, “What a weakling.” Rafe makes his way to the front of the crown and waits for what is next. A few minutes later a man comes out on stage.

While the man is walking on the stage the crowd erupts in surprise asking each other, “Why is Minzara Skyes here? This is such a great honor!”

   The man that beat up Rafe earlier says with a cocky attitude, “It must be because of me,” he laughs. Rafe looks up to see Minzara standing there. We saw this man earlier as well. He was the one in the suit among the generals observing the fight. He wears the same cloths he did before.

   Minzara grins as he looks at the crowd and he thinks to himself, “I doubt anyone of these natives will overtake the psychical examination.” Minzara leisurely raises his hand in the air and everyone rapidly becomes calm. He begins to articulate to the crowd in an exceptionally polite manner, “Hello and welcome gentlemen. I am certain you are all wondering why I am here today. This is merely an obsession I have; I arbitrarily chose a collection of individuals and observe their development in their endeavor to join The Core. You have an extraordinary privilege today, take it to heart. Not many obtain an opportunity to witness me in person. Utilize this as a weapon for pride on the battlefield. You arrive at this juncture today because you crave for battle and you desire to fight for a dream. In attendance may possibly even be several of you who fight for a love one. Whatever your ambition might be, we are all united at this time today under The Core. We fight for this nation and its citizens. We desire only peace in this world; therefore we apply force to accomplish it! To various individuals this is barbaric and malicious. They believe this is the incorrect approach to obtaining peace. Nevertheless, if it wasn’t for us the world would have been destroyed following the nuclear war! We came upon this world and changed everything! We rebuilt the world! We obtained peace for this nation! Now all of gather at this time today to preserve that. You are here to protect our citizens from outsiders who desire to obliterate that.” He takes a moment to gaze around at everyone in the crowd. Everyone is in wonder of him as he speaks. Listening to every word he says and accepting it like a gospel. Minzara tenderly articulates, “All of you will be taking several different physical examinations and psychological examinations today. To everyone who passes these exams, you well become a member of The Cores army. However, for all individuals who fail. There is always next time. Now let the examinations begin! You first examination well be through this door on my right.” He points to a door, “Good luck everyone!” The crowd slowly walks towards the door and into the next room.

   Rafe smiles and says to himself quietly, “good at acting aren’t you Minzara Skyes?” Rafe heads towards the door following the crowd.

   Everyone slowly makes their way into the next room. Rafe follows in at the end of the line. This room is fairly plain as well. However, there are weight lifting benches everywhere with big men standing next to them. Everyone looks at them and knows exactly what the first exam is. Rafe smiles as he looks upon the benches. An extremely big man walks up to everyone. He wears plain shorts and a tank top. He is very ripped but extremely ugly. He looks at everyone from head to toe. The instructor thinks to himself, “what a bunch of weaklings this year.” The instructor says loudly to everyone, “If you can lift your own body weight you will pass this test. It’s that simple. However, if you cannot lift your own body weight get the hell out of my sight weakling. The gentlemen next to the weight lifting bench well set your weights. Now line up and get ready!” Everyone chooses a weight lifting bench and lines up behind them. Rafe enters a back of a random line. The instructor yells, “Begin!” Everyone jumps onto the benches and begin to lift the weights after the big men set them. Several men fail immediately and leave the room discouraged. Within twenty minutes sixty men remain. Next up is the Cocky man that assaulted Rafe earlier.

He makes his way to a bench and yells real loudly, “I’ll show all you boys who a real man is!” He sits down and signals one of the men closer to him and whispers something in his ear. The man looks a little shocked but nods in acceptance. He sets up the weights for the cocky man. He lays back and lifts up the weights with a struggle. However, he does do it.

   One of the men standing the line behind him asks, “How much did you lift?”

The cocky man yells, “four hundred *censored*ing pounds!” Everyone in the room is surprised by his strength. He gets up and yells at everyone in the room, “I am the strongest here!” He begins to wave his hand in the air as if he just won a competition. He continues to shout, “I am the strongest!” Rafe ignores him and smiles waiting for his turn. Several more men fail and a few of them actually cry at not being able to lift their own weight. Rafe laughs at them in his head. Rafe is finally up and he is the last one to go. He slowly sits down and signals one of the big men toward him. He whispers something in one of the men’s ear and their eyes open wide. Rafe smiles at them. They put several weights on and step back. Rafe Smiles and lays back. He lifts the weights up like they were nothing. He doesn’t strain in anyway.

The cocky man laughs at Rafe and says, “I wonder what the weak boy is lifting. Probably like ten pounds or something.” He walks up to the weights and looks at them. He stares in amazement when he reads two thousand pounds on the weight measurement His mouth opens wide is shock. The man asks Rafe with eyes open wide, “What are you?”
« Last Edit: June 19, 2012, 09:00:48 PM by minzara »

Offline minzara

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Re: World of Chaos
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2012, 09:04:27 AM »
Rafe smiles and slowly gets up from the bench. He gently places his hand on the man’s shoulder. He then squeezes a little. This makes the cocky man scream in pain and fall to one knee on the ground. Rafe gets really close to his ear and whispers, “A machine.” Rafe removes his hand and slowly walks away.

   The cocky man stays there in shock and pain, “What the hell did he mean by that?” There are only 40 men left after the weight lifting exam. They ignore Rafe and the cocky man and await instruction.

   The instructor yells, “everyone line up! Especially you” he says to the cocky man “No time to be resting your lazy ass!” Everyone quickly lines up in front of the instructor including the cocky man who stumbles over to him still in shock. However, Rafe slowly makes his way over there and lines up with the rest of the men. The instructor looks over all of the men and smiles, “You have all done very well to make it this far in this part of the exam. However, it will only become harder from this point. Now everyone make your way to the next room.” The instructor points at a door on the other side of the room. Everyone slowly makes their way to the door and slowly file into the next room. Rafe enter last behind everyone else. Once he enters the room he see’s there is a couple of running tracks that loop around in the room. The same instructor comes from behind Rafe and yells, “You have to run for one hour straight with no breaks. Whoever happens to last this one hour will move onto the next physical test. This should be simple if you really are cut out to be a member of The Core.”

Rafe rubs his ear after the instructor is done speaking, “You could have not yell that in my ear you know.”
The instructor stares at Rafe, “Just run and shut up.” Rafe shrugs and makes his way towards the tracks along with the rest of the men. They all line up on the tracks. The instructor yells, “Begin!” Everyone starts to run on the tracks.

   While Rafe is running on the tracks, the cocky man comes up next to him, and bumps into him, “you think you were cool don’t ya? You think by lifting two thousand pounds your better than me? However, I know what you are. You are one of those cyber people and you’re not even human. You have no heart and I wish you would just die. That way you could save us all some trouble because no one loves you.” Rafe just chuckles at the man and continues to run ignoring his comments as if he was stupid. The cocky man fumes and kicks Rafe right in the legs which trips him. Rafe tumbles onto the ground and rolls across the ground into the wall in front of him. The cocky man yells “ha-ha! Look at Mr. I can lift two thousand pounds now. There is no way he could have lifted that much! He must have cheated or something! Maybe did a little sucky sucky to the instructor so he could put on that show.”

   Rafe gets up slowly, and looks at the man. The cocky man looks back waiting for a response. Rafe just smiles and says, “Must have.” Rafe gets back on the track and he continues to run. Cocky man fumes again, and continues to run. Everyone run on the tracks for awhile before some start to collapse from exhaustion. While Rafe is running he looks over to the cocky man and grins; the cocky one gets an angry look on his face and begins to run a little faster. The one hour ends after awhile of running. Only 15 men are left after one hour which includes Rafe and the cocky man.

   The instructor claps his hands, “great work everyone and you have made it to the final round which is the hardest of the physical test. Are you ready for this?”

   Thirteen of the men scream, “Yes!”

   The instructor grins, “very well, come with me.” The instructor walks into the next room. Everyone follows him into the next room. Rafe looks around as he enters the room and see’s a whole bunch of desks with pieces of paper on them. The other 13 men are all panicking when they see the desks and paper.
   Rafe looks at the papers and he begins to sweat, “Oh *censored*! I suck at this kind of stuff. I have always found tests so boring.”

   Cocky man laughs as he sees Rafe sweating, “Seems you’re not so invincible after all Mr. Machine.”
   Rafe laughs, “You may be right.” Rafe gives the Cocky man a puzzled look, “By the way you have riding my ass this whole time. What the hell is your name?”

   Cocky man grins, “The name is John Smith. Not that you will remember it with that pea sized brain of yours.”

   Rafe smiles, “Good one! Well shall we?” Rafe sits down at one of the desks. John grins and sits down as well. All over thirteen men sit down after awhile.

   The instructor speaks to all the men, “Now I know what you’re all thinking, why are you taking a test. It’s rather simple actually; your brain is just as much as physical as your body, and its needs to be trained just like your body. To be a true warrior of the core you need both mind and body.”

   A random person yells, “That’s nonsense!”

   The instructor shakes his head, “It’s simple science. Now the test that is in front of you is a simple IQ test. However, this test is different than the other tests you would normally take. You don’t necessarily have to get a high score.”

   A student asks, “What the hell is the point of this then?”

   The instructor replies “Hold on one minute and I’ll answer that.”

   The student nods, “okay.”

   The instructor continues, “Now like I was saying, this test will just test your ability to think, and will help us place your were your best suited within The Core’s army.”

   John laughs, “I guess I will be the top one since I am the smartest person here.”

   Rafe shakes his head, “Very unlikely”

   John jumps up and points his finger at Rafe, “Shut up! You know nothing!’

   Rafe laughs at John, “oh testy! Settle down. It’s not the end of the world.”

   John yells, “Why the hell are you so calm all the damn time!?”

   Rafe looks towards his desk, “I realized some things are just too pointless to get pissed about.”

   The instructor yells, “Both of you shut up!”

   John growls, “Yes sir.”

   Rafe grins, “Okay boss.”

   The instructor continues once again, “Now since those two fools are done, I will continue. Once you have completed the test you will go in the next room and await the results. Once your test scores have been put together; we will place you in the appropriate place depending on those scores, and that is where you will begin your training. Some of you will become foot soldiers, while others will become computer experts. You have one hour to complete this test, begin!” Everyone picks up their pencils and begins to write. Everyone except Rafe who stares at the test yawning. Rafe begins to pick up his pencil but becomes tired and passes out on the desk. A loud thud is heard throughout the room when Rafe hits his desk when he passes out. Everyone looks towards Rafe and sees that he is passed out.

   John yells, “Is he even taking this seriously!?”

   The instructor shakes his head, “It doesn’t matter. If he doesn’t take the test we will just make him the lowest rank foot soldier possible.”

   John laughs, “Too bad for him.” He continues to take the test. One hour passes. The instructor rings a bell which wakes up Rafe.

   Rafe head jumps up from his desk, “What?”

   The instructor yells, “Time is up! Put your pencils down now!”

   Rafe jumps up from his desk and screams, “Ah! I slept through the test!”

   John laughs, “You’re such an idiot.”

   Rafe sighs and asks the instructor, “Do I not become a member of the core now?”

   The instructor replies, “You are still a member. However, you are at the bottom of the food chain.”

   Rafe smiles, “Whew! What a relief.”

   John yells at Rafe, “What a relief? You’re at the bottom of the whole army! You’re a worthless piece of *censored*, and that’s all you have to say?”

   Rafe replies, “If you think it’s so special want to trade spots?”

   John yells again, “What the hell is wrong with you man!?”

   The instructor smiles a bit, and says to himself, “What an interesting fellow this Rafe Winter is.”

   Rafe shrugs, “Nothing. Why is there something on my face?”

   John shakes his head, “His insane.”

   The instructor interrupts, “That’s enough! Everyone go to the next room, and wait to be called on one by one.” Everyone heads into the next room. The room is filled with chairs and nothing else. Everyone sits down.
   John looks at Rafe and says, “What’s your deal machine boy?”

   Rafe laughs, “What do you mean?”

   John shakes his head, “Never mind!” Everyone is slowly called one by one by the instructor. After an hour or so passes John’s name is called. John heads towards the door and looks back at Rafe, “You better hope we don’t meet each other in the battle field. I might accidentally shot you.” Rafe just nods at the comment and smiles at John. John growls, “Whatever!” He storms out the door. Rafe sits there all by himself for a while occasionally dosing off. The instructor finally comes back into the room and calls Rafe into the next room finally.

   Rafe gets up, “About time.” He walks into the next room. It’s a big office with a giant desk at the back of the room. Two giant windows shine light into the room where twelve generals sit behind the desk. They all wear the typical Core general uniform.   One of them speaks, “Rafe Winter?”

   Rafe nods, “Yes?”

   He continues to speak, “After reviewing you test, we have decided that you lack motivation, for you did not answer a single question on your exam. However, this does not prove you are an idiot and you actually might be fairly intelligent, but we have no way to determine this at the present time. You will be assigned to foot soldier training. This is the lowest ranking individual in The Core.”

   Rafe smiles, “Okie.”   

   The general laughs, “You seem to be pleased with this news.”

   Rafe shrugs, “At least I’m in the army.”

   The general nods, “Yes, yes you are.”
« Last Edit: June 19, 2012, 09:03:08 PM by minzara »

Offline legomaestro

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Re: World of Chaos
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2012, 05:30:40 PM »
Well the second part of the first chapter started interestingly, and the writing was the best there otherwise it seems iffy. The present tense thing seems to be handled in a choppy way which is counter-productive against it. Usually with such things you breeze through the details and get the facts out as fast as possible with fewer full stops.

Also i think the narrator steps in too much to feed us the opinion on how things look in the street. It delays the delivery of the story and gets in the way of the reading.

Rafe is an interesting character, but so far the other characters seem too flat to be worth looking at. The screaming cocky guy seems so much like cannon fodder i'm not even impressed when he's beaten. Also, i seem to have lost the flow a little, has the story flashed back?

Finally there definately needs to be more paragraphs to show us the representation of new ideas and stuff.

Otherwise it's definitely an interesting character, and Rafe looks cool enough. I like my post apocalyptic worlds, and the city looks real low. You'll need a good cast of interesting characters, and i think maybe something more behind the Dominant 7 thing.

The present tense thing too is an interesting technique. I used to love it, but i've never known how to write it properly into the story.

Offline minzara

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Re: World of Chaos
« Reply #5 on: June 19, 2012, 08:49:37 PM »
Well the second part of the first chapter started interestingly, and the writing was the best there otherwise it seems iffy. The present tense thing seems to be handled in a choppy way which is counter-productive against it. Usually with such things you breeze through the details and get the facts out as fast as possible with fewer full stops.

Also i think the narrator steps in too much to feed us the opinion on how things look in the street. It delays the delivery of the story and gets in the way of the reading.

Rafe is an interesting character, but so far the other characters seem too flat to be worth looking at. The screaming cocky guy seems so much like cannon fodder i'm not even impressed when he's beaten. Also, i seem to have lost the flow a little, has the story flashed back?

Finally there definately needs to be more paragraphs to show us the representation of new ideas and stuff.

Otherwise it's definitely an interesting character, and Rafe looks cool enough. I like my post apocalyptic worlds, and the city looks real low. You'll need a good cast of interesting characters, and i think maybe something more behind the Dominant 7 thing.

The present tense thing too is an interesting technique. I used to love it, but i've never known how to write it properly into the story.

Thank you for a reply!

There is a lot more interesting characters. These first couples chapters are just to introduce Rafe and another lead.

I stop to explain things so people can see the world. I tried not to be too descriptive though.

The cocky kid does slightly have a reason for the way he is, but I can see how he could be a throwaway character. That is fine with me because he isn't important in the long run.

The story is very very long. I currently have 250 pages written of work and that is most likely only 25% of the full story.

Also the story has gone back in the past. That is why it says, " A few months before this event took place, there was an alley way not to far away from here. "

Thank you again for your comments!
« Last Edit: June 19, 2012, 08:53:03 PM by minzara »