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Author Topic: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop (CLOSED)  (Read 61992 times)

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Offline Operative13

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Re: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop: Day 18 REVIEW SESSION
« Reply #225 on: August 18, 2017, 06:40:40 AM »
Forever in Our Dreams - Krurisuchristina
The new update has certainly given us a new perspective: We get to learn a little more about the little side character Todd and his situation, and the "Dreamworld" seems to have taken a whole new life of itself by introducing new characters that clearly have some conflict going on. The dream sequence again is one of the most interesting parts about the story. It makes me wonder whether the world Sasha dreams of is actually a dream, or really a gateway to another reality...  :hmm: It vaguely reminds me of one of my own concept called "Vision of Eden", which dealt with a comatose girl exploring a medieval kingdom. I'm curious to see how much the story plays to the idea of a "Dreamworld Reality" but thus far I do not know enough to make such judgement.

The story still suffers from awkward plotting with the real-world portion of the story. Todd's sudden outburst certainly felt out of place, but not in a "natural sense." It felt forced and quirky, and the characters themselves seemed to babble along with this outburst without much of a real conjecture. The idea itself had very good potential, but the execution fell short of promising good development with the characters and setting.  :unsure: Hopefully this will be rectified in the later versions of the story.  :-\

At the moment, I'm currently keeping an eye on how this dreamworld grows and develops. It seems to be the only solid point of the story thus far, and I'd certainly like to see more outside of that.  8)

As of this review, GreenBeverage, shishi02, and OhGodHelpMe have yet to update their stories.
« Last Edit: August 18, 2017, 06:52:07 AM by Operative13 »
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Offline Krurisuchristina

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Re: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop: Day 18 REVIEW SESSION
« Reply #226 on: August 18, 2017, 11:37:52 AM »
-The Coming Storm-Operative13-
You did a really good job describing the atmosphere of the scene, the way you started the chapter explaining how sleep is hard to come by in the army. I could especially see how tired Wallace was and this was shown in the way his actions were written.

I like the way that you describe your setting. It gives me enough information that I can imagine the scene in my head, but it doesn't drag on, it gets to the point without boring me.

Another thing that caught my attention was when Allen mentioned that he had responsibilities, it makes me wonder what he means by that. I'm getting the impression that he is taking the soldier thing more seriously than his peers.

I had to look up what territorials were, because I don't have a big military knowledge, so what I understand is that territorials are a sort of emergency force, so judging by their appearance, it looks like the action is about to pick up very soon.

-By Heart, By Soul - shishi02-
The concept of everyone's soul having a specific colour that pretty much determines where they’'ll sit in life is an interesting idea. It makes me wonder which sort of constraints Sheishun is going to have to get past if he wants to fit in during his experience in the army.

I'm going to start by talking about your world, it looks like it's taking place in a modern setting and you explain the important landmarks decently. I get the impression that your world is a big place and it makes me wonder if the characters are going to be moving around a lot.

I found that the conflict started off a little randomly, maybe consider mentioning that Soulless exist and that they are a threat to the people. I'm interested in learning more about them and their origin story.

As for the characters, they didn't really stand out to me, but that's reasonable because its only the start and I haven't gotten a chance to really get to know them.

So far, I found that Leila was the most interesting, her character brings up questions, like why does she insist on being a peddler is its an outdated job and how can she tell that she is going to meet Seishun again.

My impression on Seishun is that he is an underdog and he's going to need to be constantly proving himself in order to get past his souls colour.

Eris seems like a swell guy so far, him and Filla seem to be on good terms, so I wonder if there is going to be any background information behind why Filla admired Eris so much.

The pacing feels a little off from place to place, like I found the big attack on Seishun’s hometown was too fast paced for my liking, but anyways, I'm excited to see how Seishun’s tests go and what Filla was writing in his diary.


-Sincerely, Your Dearest Phantom-OhGodHelpMe-
Again, the way you write your characters emotions is wonderful. I especially liked the way you described Yonaka’s sadness over her eye in the beginning.

Also, you brought in some interesting concepts in this part of your novel, I've never actually thought about language like that, but after reading that portion it got me debating.

I can understand Shinya’s reaction to her mother not remembering that she told her about the suicide. When things start piling up and everyone seems to think that someone is not making sense, they tend to snap.

I liked how Yonaka was stumbling on her words when she was trying to comfort Shinya, the way she had to pause and catch herself before she said something that she shouldn't.

The transition from this tense scene to a more comedic, teasing sort of light hearted scene was well done.

On another note, it looks like the ship has sailed! 👌👌(I think) anyhow this final scene as a whole was very emotion packed, it really showed how much your characters cared for one another and trusted each other.
« Last Edit: August 18, 2017, 10:45:07 PM by Krurisuchristina »

Offline OhGodHelpMe

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Re: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop: Day 18 REVIEW SESSION
« Reply #227 on: August 18, 2017, 01:10:36 PM »
Forever in Our Dreams - Part 6 - Krurisuchristina
Spoiler
The first part of this chapter made me remember how much I hated my friends for their mood swings.
 Like, hot damn, would you like a bra with your twisted panties  >:(

Anyway, it seems like the descriptions got better this time around! They're getting much more cosmic and dreamy,
 it's very pleasing. I knew Sasha would chicken out of suicide if it felt like it was way too real. I think we all know the feeling, if you've ever actually experienced falling in a dream. There were also a few more typos than usual. I'm not one to point those kinds of things out since they're an inevitability when you're writing anything, but you might want to read over that part again and proofread it. Most of the errors are spelling related, not grammar related.

I really liked this one, especially with the rising action at the end! Makes me hope the rest of the story is this gruesome and dreamy as well  :clapping:

The Coming Storm - Parts 7-8 - Op13
Spoiler
Well well well, what do we have here. I wouldn't say it's really a death flag quite yet, but a Pain and Suffering flag for sure. We all know what happens when someone makes promises before leaving somewhere.
 It NEVER works out.

The descriptions of fort life remind me much of real life in forts and other military encampments. The restlessness and exhaustion of it all, to be precise. It's quite disheartening to know that everyone has such low opinions of the young lads serving now, but maybe the people really did see better days with a better quality of troops. Perhaps battle will strengthen Allen and Wallace in that regard, stealing away whatever innocence they have left.

The descriptions were quite nice too! Well, as always, but I did feel the glory of the day passing by Allen's eyes.
 I would've reflected more on Allen's thoughts during the ride to the fort, but that's just me. Or even if he doesn't know what to think and his head is a mess of having to leave home and looking forward to what awaits him at the fort, that might elevate the experience a bit.

Nice word count, too  :clapping: What's our target word count for this day, anyway? In totality, I mean. 20,000?
 I probably couldn't reach that. Anyway, good work!

Offline Operative13

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Re: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop: Day 19
« Reply #228 on: August 18, 2017, 03:18:11 PM »
Day 19

Another day at the workshop... we're already kicking it in towards the 3rd Community Vote!  8) If you haven't submitted your review yet, today is the last day to do so for Thursday's Review Session. Remember to update your portfolio every time you do.  :D

The Discord Channel turned out to be busier than I anticipated  :o All are welcome to join, and it is a great way to get in touch with fellow writers and get instant feedback on your writing. If you plan to participate at the Workshop Discord Channel, you must send a PM to me confirming your participation, as the channel's guest chat is locked by default.
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Offline Operative13

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Re: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop: Day 19
« Reply #229 on: August 19, 2017, 03:48:14 AM »
A quick reminder, everyone's reviews are due in 10 Hours! At 10 AM PST, I will be shutting down reviews for Thursday and starting the new Review Session for Saturday. After you write your reviews, remember to update your portfolio accordingly.

Oh, I should probably say you are not required to review these people for Thursday's session:
GreenBeverage
OhGodHelpMe
shishi02

Their reviews will be pushed over to Saturday for obvious reasons...  :sure: Until then, I'll see you all later!  ;)
« Last Edit: August 19, 2017, 05:25:02 AM by Operative13 »
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Offline shishi02

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Re: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop: Day 19
« Reply #230 on: August 19, 2017, 05:44:45 AM »
@Christina's Dreams story
Spoiler
Chapter 1: the first paragraph was catchy alright. He got a contract by someone unknown and obviously didnt know whats going on. I do have a couple of questions in my head: why was he there?, how did he stumble upon the place? pretty good start

The death of the classmate, interesting starting plot. I might know if theres a connection later in the chapters.

Im not expert with POVs (point of views) but it seem that I can read other than protagonist's thinking. So i dont know what kind of pov that you are using. It doesnt bother me though.

Chapter two: Im reading the story in a flow and theyre in a good pace. I cant say about the character department, I am pretty much hooked to whatever Sasha is doing. I could say the characters (particularly Addison) is realistic.

Chapter three: I was expecting more detail settings in the house but thats alright. It would looked better though to see what kind of family they are (if theyre the middle class family, their quirks etc.) Cant say about the character department again, but it seems that theyre caring parents. They dont stand out much. They flow well in the story however.

Chapter four: I can see more of Sasha's personality. As he talks about himself, he gave me some details that I needed like he probably live in a middle class family or higher, pretty much privilege kid. I can relate to him even though im not that in a privelege house. He says things that is out of his character well its expected because he is having a problem. who wouldnt say that if anyone is in a mood.

Ah hes now in a dream realm again, good detail settings in here. I am expecting something happening in this dream in chapter five.

Chapter five: Interesting sudden flow of events. The new character told him he wasnt supposed to be there. but how, he just came and got a contract. now that he cant let go of this realm anymore. The scene though is realistic, I had dreams like that except in a different perspective, on how the dream people make you awake by doing something. I would like to know what happens next.

Cant say much about the other half chapter. it was back in the routine flow of Sasha important one so that is alright. the subcharacters didnt stand out much though (to me).

Chapter six: Addison asked an intriguing question. Was she also in this dream realm as well? or she was having a problem with something else.

Sasha is now learning the realm again. Because he isnt used to have dreams like this, He pretty much couldnt do what he wants to do. for a nondreamer person, it is interesting to read and venture on Sasha's pov.

Cato is an interesting guy, without enough scenes and all. I am looking forward to see more of him.

Over all story:
To someone who never read a dream story such as this, this is a good plot to read and the flow is great (pacing). As an semi-experienced dreamer, I can relate most of it. There arent much dream stories around in the library so If you are interested on turning this into a book, I will be happy to get it on ebook. I cant say much about whats bad about it, I look at it as semi reader/writer for my story writing knowledge, im using a hybrid approach to give you as much feedback as you need.

As for attention span for the story, I would admit that I read a bit faster on the routine bits of sasha's life and hence my attention span was in a wave form. The plot is still as interesting regardless.
@God's Phantom story:
Spoiler
Prologue: a read a term dreamscape. I am guessing that she was talking to the phantom of some realm. Cant say much since all the vague info are coming out of the prologue. I can only guess. For someone else who never read this before, they will get hooked due to delivery. I am interested on the entity however, gives me more reason to read more.

Chapter one: this is an intriguing topic, talking about sin. its an eye catcher alright. So I am now on a routine flow. Getting to know her more. She seemed to be popular with the peers and her parents are treating her well. I dont have enough info to know her real (past) self however. Something I want to know about.

Im a bit lost if the next day was the same day in this chapter. I kept on going anyway and revealed a mystery guy. I got lost though on the POV. I thought I knew its a first person limited. I guess I was wrong. It wont bother me on reading it however. hmm, I think this another entity wants to save her, but from what? What made her became important to be saved. Another question that will be solved in later chapters.

Chapter two: I read faster along the school scene, and mention about God's malice. So the God of this realm was doing something on Shiya, for reasons, I dont know.

Im getting to understand the realm they are, it appears more entity made rather than 'natural' made and someones controlling/maintaining it. Great delivery on this case. There must be some God(s) or God vs entity beings going in here but at this time, only vague information if flowing from this chapter. I can only guess what will happen. 

Shiya was shaken from the event, it was expected and I can relate. will it let her change her personality, we will see later in the chapters.

I got lost in the POV again. I really should pay attention to it.

I can totally relate to the plot more than I thought. I have so many theories that can explain this phenomenon. But i decided not to say it since its my plot afterall. For people who hasnt read this kind of story before, this chapter is proven to be a golden chapter.

Chapter three: Ah the looping starts.. i think.. By shiya's reaction i think it started.

hmm the daedalus scene was absolutely confusing to me. (maybe its me, I dunno) all I understood that they did something that changed the world into looping. Oh, the world is on Earth. I dont understand why he was in angel form. or the substance is, maybe help him to protect himself? I dunno.

Chapter four and five: You dont have to accept this feedback if its confusing to you. I kinda understood how the backend guys (daedalus and the other person) are doing to fix Shiya' s world. I think the pacing was too fast to me. And my attention span was great from the beginning till half of chapter three where the scenes of angelic form started to confused me. As for four and five, I couldnt help but my brain is fried and unable to get interested.

overall story: the plot itself was the thing that makes this story very cool. You did a brave move on doing the pov that you chose for this story (which is i dunno yet but i will one day) the sudden fast pacing however threw me off. the daedalus scene can probably fixed with a bit slower pacing and more details.
@Operative's Storm story:
Spoiler
As i told you in the group chat, the church scene is accurate. your research did great in this chapter.
I see more from Wallace pov and his view on things while other people are talking about him as well.

Territorials are intriguing part of this chapter. I want to know what they were looking for.

Overall story: The story to me highlights Wallace and Allen and their view upon their world. I like the pacing of the story, pretty consistent. This story has slice of life to me. There is not much routine in the story which is a change of pace for me.

By having me read diverse styles of stories, I have gotten used to your writing style. I must admit that I have a problem with reading with detail. It will be improve as I keep on reading all the people's stories and hopefully I will give more good feedbacks.

The attention span I get from this story is to be honest, getting better. the slower pace did wonders and you did the right choice. I dont know if the pacing will change but we will see.
« Last Edit: August 19, 2017, 06:46:52 AM by shishi02 »

Offline GreenTrap

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Re: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop: Day 19
« Reply #231 on: August 19, 2017, 10:56:01 AM »
Krurisuchristina- Forever in our dreams first two parts

-Lots of colour and emotive words in the beginning, it definitely makes the scene feel a bit magical. Though when it comes to describing characters, describing everyone's hair colour and eyes gets a bit repetitive and makes it harder for them to stick in my mind.

-Noticed the sentence starters always start with a he, she or name. A small tip would be to put the sentence subject at the beginning to hook a readers attention.

-The setup definitely had me interested in the wider scale of things. How will Sasha get involved in the bigger picture of things I wonder.

-Surprised to see the second part still focused on the same scene. I'm a bit confused as to whose POV I'm supposed to be thinking of atm, since we started with Sasha's dream but then focus on Addison's thoughts.

-The characters personality comes through clearly, I can see the dynamic between Sasha and Addison clearly. I wonder however, what art style would you have for this story if you could choose?


OP13 Part 4
-Interesting political intrigue going on here. Of course foriegn relations isn't an easy thing to portray in a story but you handled it well enough. Though maybe a map of the area would help things  :ninja:

-Royal family ftw!

-Lots of dialogue in this chapter. If you're going with lots of dialogue in a chapter, then at least a few paragraphs of description in the beginning would help ease it in, otherwise it would seem like I'm reading a script more than a novel.

-Quite the twist in the end. Is it a high-ranking traitor? Maybe an important character later on? It's gonna have me scouring for the facts in later chapters.

-If this is where the meat of the story lies, then I have no problems with that  :thumbsup: Bring on the military politics!
« Last Edit: August 19, 2017, 01:53:20 PM by GreenBeverage »

Offline Operative13

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Re: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop: Day 20 REVIEW SESSION
« Reply #232 on: August 19, 2017, 03:53:26 PM »
Day 20

Congratulations! We're at 40%, nearly halfway to completing our hard-earned novels!  8) As usual, this our last review session before our 3rd Community Vote  ;) By this time, you should be considerably far with your story as we only have four community votes until the workshop ends. Spend time to get that word count up and don't be afraid to write trash if you have to. It's usually a habit for people to drop their stories and stop updating it after their obligations are done.  :ninja:

Starting this week, I'll be extending the voting period for all community votes to run the entire week. That should give ample time for the community to read the massive walls of text you've put out during this time  8) Stay tuned!

Oh, and obligatory lectures!  :dance:
Brandon Sanderson Lecture 10
Misc Questions: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bkFLaTxs90
Dialogue Mechanics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWdE1J2U7A8
Replacing Adjectives and Passive Voice: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9pWibqwP-o
Orwellian Prose: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eh5_2jqlRFQ
Intro to Modern Self Publishing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JL7XDrTyrgg
Mechanics of Self Publishing Online: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PhAqOzz7wc8
Business Models For Self Publishing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljj3ZQanFmw
Some Final Thoughts on Self Publishing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iU4-pBQt86g
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Offline Operative13

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Re: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop: Day 21 Community Vote
« Reply #233 on: August 20, 2017, 03:03:07 PM »
THIRD COMMUNITY VOTE


Welcome one and all to the Novel Marathon Workshop's Third Community Vote! Now is the time for the MangaRaiders Community to come together and for us writers to showcase the progress of our magnificent stories! You have taken many strides to come this far in such a short period, however the journey has just only begun...

Here before you stands the authors of the Writers Novel Marathon Workshop! Travel their worlds, discover new adventures, and explore beyond the great reefs of imagination! Be free to discuss openly your favorite among them, and choose the one you believe best to be worthy of the title Best MangaRaiders Novel! Thus far...

Without further delay, here are their stories!


Novelists

Real Heroik - By GreenBeverage
Heroes and Heroines have become outdated to an advancing world. Now suspicous of the powerful beings, the common folk have begun to hunt them down.

Forever in Our Dreams - By Krurisuchristina
Sasha is used to living a picture perfect life, that is until he starts having a similar dream every time he falls asleep.

Sincerely, Your Dearest Phantom - By OhGodHelpMe
Shiya Tonbogiri, a normal girl living a normal life. She wakes up, goes to school, fools around with friends, and comes home to her parents. Her days repeat with no out of the ordinary disruption, almost a little too well.

The Coming Storm - By Operative13
Seven years ago, a terrible war was waged in the Geioic Seas that left the once-prosperous island nation of Mariana in ruins. Although they left the war as victors against their Elsian invaders, the scars of battle has yet to heal the people's hearts and minds. Now, invigorated by a charismatic and staunch leader, Mariana has turned from a quiet, isolated republic, into an authoritarian military-state. With war brewing in the air once again, it seems the peaceful life that Allen Touler knew will come crashing down on him once more.

By Heart, By Soul - By shishi02
In the realm of the endless brightness, Alva is considered the brightest of them all. All beings in there have bright souls inside their hearts and it radiant brightly according to their colors. But life in there wasn't fair according to Seishun, a young teen whose light was shunned by his peers for being inferior among the rest. He tried to live life way pass the borderline of poverty but everything changed when a pack of soulless came and wreak havoc in a little town of Hana. He swore to get rid of the soulless once and for all. Will he achieve his goal despite being inferior? Only way for him to find out is to start his journey towards the central city of Alva, where everything started.


Voting closes August 27th, Sunday 8 AM PST!
Good luck everyone!

« Last Edit: August 21, 2017, 01:23:31 PM by Operative13 »
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Offline Operative13

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Re: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop: Day 22
« Reply #234 on: August 21, 2017, 01:10:39 PM »
Day 22

Final day to submit reviews for Saturday! Looks like everyone went crazy with their story updates this time around.  :o I'm so proud of everyone, it almost makes me want to shed a tear...  :sadbye: Almost...  8)

As I've iterated all of last week, you do not have to write a thorough review this time around. Just try to get as far as you can with everyone's stories and go over the main points and issues before the deadline at 10 AM PST. Everyone will be jumbling their story updates alongside these reviews, so try to keep your schedules balanced  ;) Remember to use those PMs. I'm lenient enough to excuse you from certain days if you have a good reason to be absent  :D
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Offline Krurisuchristina

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Re: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop: Day 22
« Reply #235 on: August 21, 2017, 11:14:07 PM »
-Real Heroik- By GreenBeverage-
Wow, your first paragraph really caught my attention. It really got me hooked, I'm interested in learning why Glade’s parents were hanged, his reaction to this and how he got through this.

The first chapters escape sequence was really creative, I liked how the fat boy that he used as a decoy ended up getting injured because of Glades actions, his reaction gave me some insight of the type of person he is.

Your character descriptions are impressive, the way you describe different parts of them makes them feel very human, I can easily picture them in my mind. (Also loved the addition of the drawings at the bottom! Very nicely done!)

Another thing that was really well done was the world building, I can see that humans and non-humans have a tense relationship but live side by side. I liked the history you gave to heroes and heroines, it gave me good insight on the situation and explained why heroes/ heroines are no longer needed in their developing society.
Your main characters all seem to have distinct personalities, I like the combination of Junko and Reilly, the two seem to make a good team and I’d like to learn more about them. Olivia seems like a hardworking woman, with a strong moral sense. Glade feels more like a mystery, so I'm excited to learn more about him and his goals.

Also, I'm looking forward to meeting Laurens, I'm curious to see what he is like.
-By Heart, By Soul - By shishi02-

Your story really gives me Shounen vibes, the way that Seishun strives to better himself through hard work. I’m expecting some high action scenes in the future with some friendship/bonding moments.

I liked the way that you explained how the powers work, it all made sense to me. I especially liked the concept of a soul anchor and am curious on the sorts of constraints that Seishun is going to need to face.

Another thing that caught my attention was Filla’s trust in Eris, I’m still really looking forward to some background information on how they met and I’m wondering if there is a distinct reason for Filla’s loyalty towards Eris. I’m also questioning Filla’s mindset, whether he was really willing to die in order for Seishun to unlock his abilities or if he just really trusted Eris’s judgment. If it’s the former, then it makes me question what’s going through his head and it makes me wonder if we’re going to get some Filla angst in the future.

I also wanted to mention that I giggled at Filla’s report to general Eris. Oh, and Eris got a little backstory this part, I’m starting to see why he was interested in recruiting Seishun. Plus, he was going to tell Seishun something but then stopped, makes me wonder what he wanted to say, feels like Seishun got cucked there.

-The Coming Storm - By Operative13-
I find that the dialog sounds very realistic for the military, this really makes me take the setting seriously.

When it comes to the explanation of the gun, it looks like you either put a lot of research into firearms or have a really strong knowledge on them. Either way, being able to describe the equipment in such detail adds a lot to the story.

Another part that I enjoyed was Allen’s and Wallace’s interactions, parts like the two of them fighting over who got to be the gunner or Wallace’s failed attempt at carrying the bag were nice, it added some lighthearted humor to the story. Also, very relatable interactions between friends.

That's all I have to say this time around 👌

-Sincerely, Your Dearest Phantom - By OhGodHelpMe-
The awkwardness between your characters at the beginning was a nice touch and it made complete sense considering what went on between them.

The description of the dead angel in the church was really well-written, I especially enjoyed the bit where you described it’s insides, I found it fun to picture.

I'm still questioning the transition, wondering why Yonaka’s heart had to be transferred into Shinya, but I'm sure there is a major reason behind this and I can see it being a big twist.

Now that reveal though! The fact that it was Yonaka’s angel that almost destroyed the world!? The part where she was questioning whether it was her choice to separate was intense! I can really see her emotion as she pleads with Daedalus to answer her.

Props to you for writing this, so far every part is filled with so much emotion and intensity. It’s starting to make more and more sense to me, as the story progresses, like a puzzle coming together.

@GreenBeverage you asked which art style I would choose for this story

So I’m going to say for character designs I’ve always imagined my characters being drawn looking similar to the artstyle of “Seraph of the End”


(Here is a sketch I did of my characters)


I can see the colour palette changing between the slice of life scenes and the dream sequences. (The slice of life bits being paler)

Something like this for the dream bits

Offline shishi02

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Re: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop: Day 22
« Reply #236 on: August 21, 2017, 11:15:10 PM »
@Kurisu's Dream story:
Spoiler
That Sasha though, he's not letting Cato talk.. hey, I want to know what he wants to talk about.. jeez talk about cliff hanger. ;w;

I can reflect on your writing style while learning more from the book that I just bought "The wheels of time" series, I notice our lack of descriptive setting. But at this time, it really didnt bother me when reading it but wanting to know the flow of the story. the flow and pacing is doing well when i read it.

@Operative's Story story
Spoiler
Allen and Wallace screen time! I learned a thing or two about the barracks from this chapter. introducing the weapons are well delivered, it made sense. I still cant imagine in my head however. I wonder what kind of adventures that they will find in the fort?

@God's Phantom Story:
chp 3-latest
As promised, I reread it again. here are some points that I am confused. There are some terms that are not explained well in the story. When I looked at it close, it gives me some assumptions of what it is. I understand that you want to keep the scenes more mysterious but its not to aim on making the reader confused. You do want to keep the attention from the readers interested so my advise is to sacrifice some of them from being too mysterious to semi straightforward settings/dialogues. and then take advantage the terminology to have more details so it would be more clear.

I do like your story, it relates to my main story. I would like to know whats going on next and hopefully this can turn into a real book. Its quite unique to be honest.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2017, 03:15:25 AM by shishi02 »

Offline Operative13

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Re: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop: Day 22
« Reply #237 on: August 21, 2017, 11:38:28 PM »
14 hours to go before the next reviews are due! As always, remember to update your portfolios once you post your reviews  ;) I'll see you all in the next Review Session  8)
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Offline OhGodHelpMe

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Re: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop: Day 22
« Reply #238 on: August 22, 2017, 12:58:26 AM »
The Coming Storm - Parts 9-11 - Op13
Spoiler
More reminders of the ridiculous requirements of the military. HEY JUMP INTO THIS POOL OF ICE COLD WATER WITH ALL OF YOUR CLOTHES AND 40 POUNDS OF GEAR ON. Of course, it's all to produce the best quality of troops. Let's see, important bits. Nothing wrong with the writing itself. It's all been consistently superb, in fact! No grammar or spelling issues as far as I saw. Since these were training chapters, the dialogue was strict and rigid, as one would inspect from their instructors. Made it feel pretty real  :clapping:

That weapon just seems messy. Messy, but effective. I mean, the safety gear it requires, the training it requires, the troops were learning how to NOT blow themselves up with the damn thing. Is that the weapon's fault, or would it be the fault of a novice? Either way, did Kondor really give them a shipment of some of their best infantry weaponry, or were these table scraps? You never know in this universe  :ninja:

Forever in Our Dreams - Part 7- Krurisuchristina
Spoiler
So short! Ah well, we're steadily moving along with the story. Maybe next chapter you can focus more on Cato and Sasha's interactions here. In terms of writing, I didn't spot any mistakes in grammar or spelling. The parts before this one had some of those, but this was pretty clean as far as I could tell.

I feel like you may be missing a cool opportunity here, or perhaps you haven't gotten to it yet in the detail you should, but wouldn't the feeling of being trapped inside of a dream be scary? I mean, no matter what you do, you can't seem to wake up, even if you kill yourself. Or paralysis inside of a dream? Or falling?! So many things can go wrong in a dream after all, as Cato probably already knows by now. I can definitely see Sasha getting duped by one and being unable to properly believe in either one of them (Cato and the girl, I mean)

I wonder if Sasha will keep Cato as his concubinae  :ninja:



By Heart By Soul - Chapter 1 - Shishi02
Spoiler
Whew, that's quite a lot of concepts presented in one chapter  :hmm:
Character backgrounds, soul color concept, and very quick scene transitions. I couldn't help but feel that so many of these things were explained to me rather than shown to me. If done right, the contents of chapter one could've been two big chapters. There's no time to get settled into the setting before we get into the action  :unsure:

So I have no information about what kind of town Hana is. I know it's a very small town, but is it a small coastal town? A small suburb? A district within a larger area? A countryside town? Is the weather cold, hot, or tropical? It would be nice to have some details, especially about Seishun's apparent bullies and the discrimination involved there. There's cool concepts, but the first chapter doesn't flesh them out, but rather, it plops the skeleton on the reader.

Remember, show, don't tell!

« Last Edit: August 22, 2017, 09:52:43 AM by OhGodHelpMe »

Offline Operative13

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Re: Writers Novel Marathon Workshop: Day 22
« Reply #239 on: August 22, 2017, 01:59:27 AM »
Forever in Our Dreams -  Krurisuchristina
That was quite a gory scene there at the start!  :ohmy: How Cato struggled to pin Karmil down as much as he could... I couldn't help but wonder how in the world did he ever get out of that  :-\ One moment he's wrestling for his life, the next he suddenly appears in front of Sasha with little less than a scratch! A certainly well-written and vivid scene, though I wonder where is Karmil now...  :hmm:

With Chapter 3, there is certainly a marked improvement over the other updates: the characters feel more fluid and natural in their reactions, with their inner thoughts helping to dive deeper into their acts and reasoning. Particularly with the dialogue, despite how short it is, I can certainly divulge in how shocked and confused their meeting it, especially with Sasha whom out of everyone else in the world would certainly be surprised.  8)

Besides some grammatical errors and typos scattered around, there is noticeably better writing around  ;D The scenes are more descriptive and fluid, and it takes its time with the pacing, not rushing it when unnecessary. A marked improvement over the other parts  :thumbsup: Story-wise, it hasn't built much of anything just yet, but I'll just wait patiently until then  8)

Sincerely, Your Dearest Phantom - OhGodHelpMe
(A Murderer is Less to Fear)
For a story that focuses a lot on the psychological portion of the plot, a random lecture on the English language and current events was the least of what I was anticipating... although to be frank, considering the author's writing style that was to be expected  8) Because of that, it did take me out of immersion there. But only for a bit. When the angel wrapped up her little speech by forwarding it back to the point she was making to the fabricated world, that neatly tied up everything that was discussed earlier. If it hadn't gotten to the point, I would have denounced it as mere babble! But because of this little quirk, it makes this whole scenario fit well within the context of the story, if not better. Kudos to that  :thumbsup:

I'm starting to suspect that Yonaka is related to Shiya, especially when she has a habit of calling Shiya's mother "Our Mother." That might very well be the case, but I'll still be waiting for an exact confirmation  :hmm: It's a neat little hint within the story, and its hints like these that get me thinking  8) Also to be expected were the rather hilarious sexual innuendos, very reminiscent of "Death by Ex-Girlfriends," although considering the kind of story this was, it did feel somewhat out of place  :-\ Still hilarious nonetheless.  :biggrin: I'm quite surprised such an extremely awkward scene could hold such deep meaning with the "blood and tears" part.  :ninja: At the moment, I'm unsure how this will go, but with how the writing is thus far, I am excited to see where it leads  ;)

By Heart, By Soul - shishi02
Overall, the new updates certainly has more effort put into it. The creative risk-taking by Lieutenant Filia and his rather eccentric personality rather overshadowed Seishun's actual training in most cases, however, and as Filia is a mostly static character with little if any growth, it's rather disappointing for me that Seishun didn't get much attention or growth during this, especially personality-wise.  :-\ While the other recruits are out working together, Seishun is practically given special treatment. He has Filia, a skilled near-purple soul wielder that trains him personally for weeks on end. Lessons are few and far in-between, and Seishun through all these trainings, just happens to accelerate from his Yellow to Green-Blue skill in just one outing, despite the story establishing that Seishun has trouble exerting his power. As Filia already pointed out, Seishun has to call out his soul power first before he can train it, and the moment Filia triggers it, Seishun suddenly is able to control it well without any explanation or fatigue like the last time he conjured his soul magic  :-X Not only that, but Filia even recommends to the General that Seishun takes the Soldier test right after that happens!  :ohmy:

Currently, the story suffers from proper pacing, dragging itself along just to get to the next part without much meaningful connections put into it  :unsure: Seishun suffers from a case of "Gary Sue" surrounded by flat, one-dimensional characters that serve more as a plot pusher than growth to the story.  :ninja: Out of everything else with the updates however, one thing stands out as a diamond-in-the-rough, and that is the mysterious lady Major McRae. In just a span of a few sentences, she turns out to be a much more interesting and dynamic character than the rest of the cast combined  8) Skilled not just in her soul ability, but in her wits and demeanor, McRae changes from seductive and charming to deceptive and cunning during her discussion with Filia, which hints to me that she has ulterior motives in mind.  :-\ I'm waiting to see if the other characters will build the same interesting dynamic as her, but until then, I'll be patient for the next update.  8)

Real Heroik has yet to be updated by GreenBeverage as of this review.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2017, 08:55:36 AM by Operative13 »
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