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Author Topic: The Moon  (Read 2138 times)

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Offline MusicFreak8800

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The Moon
« on: February 24, 2017, 06:16:10 PM »
The first cover design:
Spoiler


Not a very creative title, but it fits the story ^^

I probably won't update this as frequent as my art thread, but it's just a personal project I have been working on for the past 3 years :D The character art is on my art thread if you ever find the need to see the characters how I imagine them :D

Summary:
Tehe, this is going to be hard :tongue:
Basically the story is about a young girl named Delta, a princess of the Aritehl Islands. All her life she have learned to hate the neighbouring country, Viterra. For some unknown reason, 12 years prior, a group of Viterran soldiers decided to attack Aritehl, even though they had been allies in the previous war. They didn't win, but they managed to take something precious away. Their beloved queen and the mother of Delta. In fear and anger, the king decided to close the borders, outlawing anyone from coming in and out.
One day, something goes terribly wrong, giving Delta only option: to flee. But things doesn't go the way they should've. The next thing she knows, she is stranded on a very specific country: Viterra. She stands without her brother in the very same country she had learned to despise.
However, on her time on the main land, she meets a sarcastic yet well-mannered man named Alias.
The story is basically about their journey around the country, in order for her to get back to the Aritehl, defeat the sorcerer and most importantly save her brother. Or rather, that's what is happening on the surface level.

A very bad summary, but that's basically the premise ^^'

I started out writing it in third person narrative, but after some great feedback form Fortis, I decided to write it in first person :D Please tell me what you think! :D Sorry for the grammatical errors ^^'

Prologue:

Third person narrative
Spoiler
“Was I supposed to know how my story would go?”
The cold light of the sphere in front of her glowed upon her pale, smooth skin as she introduced herself, just like she had done to her other visitors throughout the centuries.
“I wonder what would’ve happened if I just had stayed put, allowing events to just be what they wanted to be.”
The reflections of the three younglings portrayed on the small waterfall in the rear end of the cave allowed her to take a look at how people had evolved. Though, no matter who came in and where they stood in time, they all had the same curious and cautious look to their faces. These were no different. And of course, one mustn’t forget the weapons. Not that she blamed them or anything. If she was them, carrying something for protection would make sense. Or running. Running would also make sense.
“To be honest, I barely remember what I wanted so badly that I chose this over a life.”
Her eyes slowly rolled down to look at her hands. There was a bracelet which hugged her left wrist but other than that only faded scars was to be seen. Some were inflicted accidentally, some she made herself. Especially those around her wrists. A sigh was about to leave her mouth. However, since she had tried to pull off a mysterious demeanour, it was quickly swallowed down. It was always fun to tease the unknowing. Playing all spooky man on them, hearing their teeth rattle. Although, most of the time, when someone was actually rattling their teeth, it was because of the cold temperature down here in the caves. But one could always twist the truth for one’s own pleasure.
The young visitors hadn’t said anything the whole time she had spoken.
“No interruptions? I’m actually slightly surprised,” she said as she turned to face towards them. “People at your age usually whisper to each other about some nonsense things as I’m talking. Just to clear the misunderstandings, no I’m not a ghost, zombie or the Unga Bunga Man. Whatever that was supposed to be.”
“Then what are you?” It was a high-pitched yet soothing voice that was muffled giving it a slight base. A voice of a girl.
“Now? Or before?” A little more annoying mystery wouldn’t hurt. “Well, before, I was a human. Slightly different than what you  define as human but still human.” She paused a second. Her vocal cords hadn’t been in use for some time. “Now? Beats me. I’m not even sure I can be qualified as being anything. Though, I’m not alive that’s for certain. My heart’s not even beating. And I think I can say the same thing about you, whitey.”
Now that she was facing them directly, she had a better look at them. It was a boy and two girls. Probably in their twenties, but their eyes told her that they had seen their fair share. Even one of them had a long scar running across his left eye. They were all wearing the same type of mask, but their style of clothing was all different and so was the hair colour. Two of them had the same dark coloured hair, but it was the last of them who caught her eye. A tall, thin girl with the whitest hair and bluest eyes she had ever seen for a long time. It wasn’t the one who had spoken up. Looked too shy.
For a second she thought the girl was one of her own, but clearly, it couldn’t be possible. If she was, she wouldn’t be standing with a weird rifle in her hands. But something else seemed off about her.
She took a step forward, but the boy lifted his weapon pointing straight at her. A light was attached to the end of the barrel, blinding her slightly. She wondered if they could see her face now, or did her hood hide her face too well?
“Oh, put that thing down,” she said. But before he got time to react, she swiped her fingers trough the air and a pillar of earth spiked from the ground, knocking the weapon out of his hands. She had a tendency to be just a little impatient.
A self-contained squeal sounded from the dark haired girl but nothing came from the other two except for the whitened eyes and the stiffer posture.
“We got plenty of light, no need for more,” she said while pointing at her sphere. Her eyes narrowed, when she noticed that the light had turned into a slight pink.
“Who are you?” The dark haired girl was not happy.
“Are you really sure about that question? It’s a very, no, extremely long explanation and we would go nowhere. My memory is a little rusty. You can blame time for that.”
“You seemed to be quite in the mood for some story time, seeing how you started this whole conversation.” There was a certain sarcasm in the way she spoke. It was quite intriguing. For an instance, it reminded her of something, though, she wasn’t sure of what. But she had a weird feeling of warmth and yet sorrow while trying to remember what it was. But there was no time for that.
She took a short breath and straightened her back.
“Now on to business.”
Quickly, the younglings stood even more defensive than before.
“Oh, come on, I’m not gonna hurt you. I was just gonna tell you that the one reason people have come down here is because of their desire for… well to be frank, I have no idea what you desire and I could care less. However, I can answer that your wish would be granted, but most likely not the way that you want it to be. That’s the one thing I can remember at least.”
“Is that what happened to you?” It was the white-haired girl speaking now. Her voice had a mature sound to it.
She looked through her girls blue eyes with a saddened smile.
“I see. You’re trying to learn the people around you and try to understand them. Since you’re the least human among them. If one can  even call you that.”
Her eyes gazed at the grass covered floor ignoring whatever reaction the three might have to that comment. What she meant they could figure out themselves, it was none of her business.
“I will say this once and please, do as I tell you. I will not grant your wish. No matter how selfish or world saving it might be, I don’t care. I might be a bitch…” She returned to her place in front of the sphere. It was beginning to emit a redder light. It had been more than enough chatting for one century. “But I’m not that much of a bitch that I will let one of you take my place. Now, leave before I lose my temper.”
The sphere now had a light crimson hue to it. Now would be a good time to run. She could hear the dark-haired girl whisper “let’s go”. They finally got the memo.
“I would pick this way if I was you.” She pointed at the opposite direction of the one they had arrived in and as she thought, they listened to her. A little disappointing, somehow she thought they would protest a bit more.
Though, one thing out of the ordinary happened.
“I hope you find peace one day.” It was the white-haired girl again.
Hiding her slightly raised eyebrows under her hood, she smiled at her.
“You still have a lot to learn about us humans. We are usually a lot more selfish. And annoying. And just plain dumb.”
The white haired girl smiled back at her. She was smart enough to see between the lines. And before she knew it, they were gone.
“Now,” she said. The light had turned completely blood red. The younglings probably believed her little ‘short temper’ show. However, the sphere wasn’t signalling her mood. No, something bad was approaching and it was almost right in front of her doorstep. Most likely one of those weird, three-meter high zombie like creatures that looked like men infected with some kind of disease making their skin all bumpy and gave it a reddish green hue. Their genitals were gone too, not that she complained. The last thing she wanted was a drooling mad man waving its balls out in the open.
She walked over to the opening where her visitors had entered and she stood prepared. The creatures had started spawning the last hundred years or so, which meant it was nothing out of the ordinary. It was nice to get a bit of exercise now and then too, the only thing was the smell they left every time she pierced through one of them. Now she had an idea for what those masks the three wore were for. Maybe she should’ve had asked them for a spare pair.
“A spare pair,” she said to herself smiling calmly to herself. “That actually rhymes a bit.”
Suddenly, a squealing growl sounded. Multiple growls to be exact. They were here. Just so she could orient through her surroundings a little better, she pulled down her hood and her cream, white hair finally got some air. It was braided in one side but left loose on the other, just like she had worn it for those many years. Her arms opened as wide as possible, and she felt the rumble beneath her feet. The green emerald from her bracelet started to light up, but she was careful not to stream too much mana into it. She didn’t want to break the only thing she had left of him. Who was him though?
Now, she was ready.
“Let’s see how long you can hold up this time.”

First person narrative
Spoiler
“Was I supposed to know how my story would go?”
The cold light of the sphere in front of me glowed upon my pale, smooth skin as I introduced myself. The same procedure throughout the centuries.
“I wonder what would’ve happened if I just had stayed put, allowing events to just be what they wanted to be.”
The reflections of the three younglings portrayed on the small waterfall in the rear end of the cave allowed me to take a look at how people had evolved. Though, no matter who came in and where we stood in time, they all had the same curious and cautious look to their faces. These were no different. And of course, one mustn’t forget the weapons. Not that I blamed them or anything. If I was them, carrying something for protection would make sense. Or running. Running would also make sense.
“To be honest, I barely remember what I wanted so badly that I chose this over a life.”
My eyes slowly rolled down to look at my hands. A bracelet hugged my left wrist but other than that, only faded scars was to be seen. Some were inflicted accidentally, some I had made myself. Especially those around the wrists.
I was about to let out a sigh. However, since I had tried to pull off a mysterious demeanour, it was quickly swallowed down. It was always fun to tease the unknowing. Playing all spooky man on them, hearing their teeth rattle. Although, most of the time, when someone was actually rattling their teeth, it was because of the cold temperature down here in the caves. But one could always twist the truth for one’s own pleasure.
The young visitors hadn’t said anything the whole time I had spoken.
“No interruptions? I’m actually slightly surprised,” I said as I turned to face towards them. “People at your age usually whisper to each other about some nonsense things as I’m talking. Just to clear the misunderstandings, no I’m not a ghost or a zombie or the Unga Bunga Man. Whatever that was supposed to be.”
“Then what are you?” It was a high-pitched yet soothing voice that was muffled giving it a slight base. A voice of a girl.
“Now? Or before?” A little more annoying mystery wouldn’t hurt. “Well, before, I was a human. Slightly different than what you would define as human but still human.” I paused for a second. My vocal cords hadn’t been in use for some time. “Now? Beats me. I’m not even sure I can be qualified as being anything. Though, I’m not alive that’s for certain. My heart’s not even beating. And I think I can say the same thing about you, whitey.”
Now that I was facing them directly, I had a better look at them. It was a boy and two girls. Probably in their twenties, but their eyes told me that they had seen their fair share. Even one of them had a long scar running across his left eye. They were all wearing the same type of mask, but their style of clothing was all different and so was the hair colour. Two of them had the same dark coloured hair, but it was the last of them who caught my eye. A tall, thin girl with the whitest hair and bluest eyes I had ever seen for a long time. It wasn’t the one who had spoken up. Looked too shy.
For a second I thought the girl was one of my own, but clearly, it couldn’t be possible. If she was, she wouldn’t be standing with a weird rifle in her hands. But something else seemed off about her.
I took a step forward, but the boy lifted his weapon pointing it straight at me. A light was attached to the end of the barrel, blinding me slightly. I wondered if they could see my face now, or did my hood hide my face too well?
“Oh, put that thing down,” I said. But before he got time to react, I swiped my fingers trough the air and a pillar of earth spiked from the ground, knocking the weapon out of his hands. I had a tendency to be a little impatient.
A self-contained squeal sounded from the dark-haired girl but nothing came from the other two except for the widened eyes and the stiffer posture.
“We got plenty of light, no need for more,” I said while pointing at the sphere. I narrowed my eyes, when I noticed that the light had turned into a slight pink.
“Who are you?” The dark-haired girl was not happy.
“Are you really sure about that question? It’s a very, no, extremely long explanation and we would go nowhere. My memory is a little rusty. You can blame time for that.”
“You seemed to be quite in the mood for some story time, seeing how you started this whole conversation.” There was a certain sarcasm in the way she spoke. It was actually quite intriguing. For an instance, it reminded me of something, though, I wasn’t sure of what. It did give me a weird feeling of warmth and yet sorrow while trying to remember what it was. But there was no time for that.
I took a short breath and straightened my back.
“Now on to business.”
Quickly, the younglings stood even more defensive than before.
“Oh, come on, I’m not gonna hurt you.” I waved my arms while I talked, which probably wasn’t the best idea, because it made their skin crawl. Quite obvious from the slight shiver. “I was just gonna tell you that the one reason people have come down here is because of their desire for… well to be frank, I have no idea what you desire and I could care less. However, I can answer that your wish would be granted, but most likely not the way that you want it to be.” I paused. “That’s the one thing I can remember at least.”
“Is that what happened to you?” It was the white-haired girl speaking now. Her voice had a mature sound to it.
I looked through her blue eyes with a saddened smile.
“I see. You’re trying to learn the people around you and try to understand them. Since you’re the least human among them. If one can even call you that.”
My eyes gazed at the grass covered floor ignoring whatever reaction the three might have to that comment. What I meant they could figure out themselves, it was none of my business.
“I will say this once and I kindly ask you to do as I tell. I will not grant your wish. No matter how selfish or world saving it might be, I don’t care. I might be a heartless bastard…” I returned to her place in front of the sphere. It was beginning to emit a redder light. It had been more than enough chatting for one century. “But I’m not that much of a bastard that I will let one of you take my place. Now leave before I lose my temper.”
The sphere now had a light crimson hue to it. Now would be a good time to run. I could hear the dark-haired girl whisper “let’s go”. They finally got the memo.
“I would pick this way if I was you.” I pointed at the opposite direction of the one they had arrived in and as I thought, they listened to me. A little disappointing. Somehow, I thought they would protest a bit more. And before I knew it, they were gone.
“Now,” I mumbled to myself. The light had turned completely dark blood red. The younglings probably believed my little ‘short temper’ show. However, the sphere wasn’t signalling my mood. No, something bad was approaching and it was almost right in front of my doorstep. Most likely one of those weird, three-meter high zombie like creatures that looked like men infected with some kind of disease making their skin all bumpy and gave it a reddish green hue. Their private parts were gone too, not that I complained. The last thing I wanted was a drooling mad man waving its bits out in the open.
I walked over to the opening where my visitors had entered and I stood prepared. The creatures had started spawning the last hundred years or so, which meant it was nothing too out of the ordinary. It was nice to get a bit of exercise now and then. The only thing was the smell they left every time they were pierced or smashed again the cave wall. Now I had an idea for what those masks the three wore were for. There was probably more dead decay outside. Maybe I should’ve had asked them for a spare pair.
“A spare pair,” I giggled quietly to myself. “That actually rhymes a bit.”
Suddenly, a squealing growl sounded. Multiple growls to be exact. They were here. Just so I could orient through my surroundings a little better, I pulled down my hood and my cream, white hair finally got some air. It was braided in one side but left loose on the other, just like I had worn it for those many years. I opened my arms as wide as possible, and I could feel the rumble beneath my feet. I hadn’t lost my touch yet. The green emerald from my bracelet started to light up, but I was careful not to stream too much mana out of it. I didn’t want to break the only thing I had left of him.
Never mind that. I was ready.
“Let’s see how long you can hold up this time.”
« Last Edit: July 18, 2017, 01:41:38 PM by MusicFreak8800 »

Offline YuumaKuuga

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Re: The Moon
« Reply #1 on: February 24, 2017, 08:26:33 PM »
I like it and say stick with first person over third person. I say this because its great for showing the MC developing in a novel. You can still work third person into here too I'm sure. But if your story has say, a few other characters who might go off on their own, or even say a villain, then go third person. Otherwise I like first person and thats about all I can say  :ninja:

*Also, I love plus write fantasy novels, so I look forward to more of this project of yours  :thumbsup:
« Last Edit: February 24, 2017, 08:46:56 PM by YuumaKuuga »


Hey look, a wild waifu appears. AKA Chandra Naalar

Offline legomaestro

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Re: The Moon
« Reply #2 on: February 24, 2017, 08:45:22 PM »
I agree with Yuuma, the first person does it for me. There are some things that seem off base, but otherwise I'm interested in what the main characters' fate is, and whether the people who visisted her will take an important role in the story later.

The word 'bitch' and the mention of genitals seemed like random appearances in the text. Other than GoT I rarely assosciate dirty language with such fantasies, but it's only a small pet peeve and nothing critical about the story itself.

Great to see you working on this. Cheers!

Offline Zetnodan

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Re: The Moon
« Reply #3 on: March 05, 2017, 04:20:41 AM »
I'm not sure why but, I think looking into the conflict in the Middle East will help you with lore/worldbuilding. One of the best parts of Fantasy, in my opinion, is its ability to recontextualize the real world. You've already created a very compelling situation for your main character. She is going to learn through her journey in this new country that the citizens of this country are more similar to her than she assumed. There is a great opportunity to comment on prejudice, racism, propaganda (whether by media or government or Both?), and so much more. In any "journey story" especially in manga/comics, I'd say it's pretty important to have a detailed and lived-in world that serves as a foundation for thematic progression. That is, you should think about what it is you can say with this specific world, these specific characters, and then craft situations that best utilize the world/characters you've created to express whatever themes you want to speak on. Using the real world as a template serves to ground the fantasy in a familiar reality which helps people relate to the situations.

Offline MusicFreak8800

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Re: The Moon
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2017, 02:48:18 PM »
YuumaKuuga:
Thank you for the advice! :D

The reason why I wanted to write 3rd person at first is because I wanted to something secret about the main character from the audience And I felt that with 1st person it would be a bit hard. But I suppose with how I'm writing her, 1st person does fit :D



legomaestro:
I'll note that :hmm:
The more crude words was to show that she has random thoughts and has become quite "sarcastic" (not the word I was thinking of, but something in that direction) and doesn't give a damn about keeping her language clean. But I guess they are quite out of place compared to the rest.

Thanks for the advice! :D

Well, I can thank you guys for making me do this! :biggrin:



Zetnodan:
Actually, I have thought about something in that direction :D

I was planning on making the language of the foreign country a unreadable font, just to show that the main character doesn't know the language and the audience would just as lost as her. But as time passes the font becomes more readable and by the end you will be able to read everything (almost) because she has spent a great deal of time over there. I'm also planning to use this as a plot device to show her unwillingness to learn the language because she refuses to integrate herself in the same country she has learned to despise, but as time passes, she learns to understand them and see that they might be more morally right than she and her country have been all this time.

I was also thinking that because the protagonist has been inside her little safety bubble as royalty, she wouldn't know how the people of her country really has it (she's quite young). So, even though she thinks everything is rainbows and butterflies , when she gets to Viterra, she sees the views other people have on Aritehl. (She has seen executions being performed while being on Aritehl, but because she has been manipulated with, she is always made to believe it was justifiable)
I was planning that she would be mistaken for a refugee because most of her kin, who live on Viterra, are.

I was thinking of something more, but it's kinda a major spoiler, so I'm just gonna let it be for now ^^

But I'll note down the other things you've written! :D It's quite helpful! :biggrin:

I know that Aritehl will be heavily inspired by ancient Greece and its architecture and clothing (mostly the city of Athens), but I haven't decided for Viterra. I have classical studies this year and we just went through how and why the state of Athens fell back then and I think it fits my story quite well in some points :D
« Last Edit: March 05, 2017, 03:02:04 PM by MusicFreak8800 »

Offline MusicFreak8800

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Re: The Moon
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2017, 02:56:25 PM »
First part of the first chapter! :dance: I don't think it's that well written and I think I should flesh out the characters a bit more, but it's alright for now :D

Spoiler
I was sitting on my desk, crossed legs, hands resting on my thighs and eyes focused on the view outside my window. It was early noon, the sun was at its highest and the sky was clear with a few cotton clouds calmly swaying further and further away. However, that was nothing compared to the rest of it. The wide, clear, teal coloured sea looked as if there was nothing beyond what the eye could see. That the only place on earth with solid ground was right here. Here on Aritehl.
A light knocking sounded from the door, but I didn’t react. I didn’t want to remove my eyes from the window because I was expecting something.
“My lady,” a voice by the door called.
“I’m almost ready,” I replied acting like I was still in the middle of dressing. I gave a quick look over my shoulder and saw my maid Leia peaking in. She smiled calmly at me almost as if she was laughing slightly inside.
“Well, you better hurry. The King is about to dock.”
A strike of cold went up my spine.
“Say what?!”
I had been looking out of the window all this time, thinking that the ship would come from the east which also was the direction my window pointed in. I was thinking, I could be by the dock just in time, almost being ‘fashionably late’, while enjoying the extra clear view of today. Seems I got the memo wrong because it apparently came from the west and now I was just going to be late.
I stormed out of the room leaving Leia behind and ran down the wide stone corridor. I had to think fast. Which way would get me down to the docks quickest?
I continued to head west as far as I could. Of course, at one point I had to stop and turn because no living thing can run through walls. Many times I would almost stumble into waiters and waitresses who were preparing for the feast, but I didn’t stop up to help them if I just happened to slam into one of them.
Finally, I got out to the outside corridor, feeling the light breeze touching my cheeks and drying my eyes slightly. But there was no time to take a break, I had to go down to the docks. Good thing was that they weren’t that far away from where I stood. Bad thing was that in order to get down there, I had to go down a billion stairs which didn’t go directly down to the docks but instead spiralled around the almost cliff-like hill which the castle stood on top of. So, I had to take a little shortcut.
Around the castle, there were narrow canals (more gutters really) which the soldiers would use to get into the main town as quick as possible if there was any trouble. Guess what my little shortcut was. I wasn’t supposed to use them because they were a little too dangerous. Maybe ‘a little’ would be an understatement, since you might as well go down a vertical waterfall when using those canals. Though that didn’t prevent me from using them from time to time, in that, this would be my second time using it.
I went to the canal that headed straight down to the docks which fortunately weren't more than a couple of score meters away. I immediately jumped in with my feet touching the surface of the water. I could feel the water going through my sandals making me able to stay afloat. I felt a slight tingle in my feet as I pressed some of my mana into them. Now it was just about concentrating and get the water to move me forward. Ambrose, my mentor and captain of the Guardsmen, would have wanted me to take it slow, but that was not an option right now, so I went straight into the fall as fast as I mustered. How hard could it be?
It went fine the first half of the way, and I had a clear view down to the docks, where the crowd had already gathered to greet their king. Riding the canal was almost fun if it wasn’t for the clear view of my death if I were to lose control. Now would you know, I lost control. My feet started to wobble along with the rest of my body and I ended up leaning too much on my left side making me fall over the edge. I let out a squeak, higher pitched than an infant mouse, as I was plummeting to my death. Luckily my wonderful reflexes stepped in and I managed to grab onto the ledge of the canal. Because was so slant, I could easily get my leg up and make contact with the water again. I was now safe.
I sat still on the water with my eyes wide open and hands tightly gripping the sides of the canal, thinking to myself: I would’ve been dead by now. That thought was quickly erased when I saw the ship just had docked, and I let go of the ledges. Now that was sitting down, my balance was not going to mess up anytime soon, it just meant that I would be soaking wet by the end of it.
When the ground was more levelled again, I didn’t stop to take a little break. I just stood up and continued down the canal not really caring if anyone was going across. I even made other people wet and occasionally made a person land on their bottom. I even heard some shout at me, but they quickly became silent when they saw the clothes I wore. It wasn’t every day you would see a completely white (not to say clean) short dress with the signature metallic blue colour at the edges.
I somehow managed to not destroy anything on my way down and hopped onto the nice solid ground. Amazing how much your view on things can change when you have life threatening experiences. I discreetly smooched me through the massive crowd and finally found my brother Xenon standing in the middle of everything. People stood at a respectable distance from him and now we stood alone, with the citizens of Aritehl and the Guardsmen around us, waiting for the King to come down from the ship. I scouted for Ambrose and quickly found him in front of his crew. Though, in a way I wished I hadn’t seen him because he sighed while slowly closing his eyes. Yeah, he was disappointed. I smiled awkwardly at him, but it quickly faded away as it was now my turn to sigh.
“I presume your plan didn’t go as expected,” Xenon said teasingly keeping my mind off Ambrose.
I frowned at him, which made him laugh. He knew what I was planning, I had spoken about it yesterday, planning my entrance and he had just nodded. Because compared to me, he didn’t need any planning when it came to public appearances. He just did what felt natural for him, which of course always turned into utter perfection.
I was about to give a comeback, but suddenly the crowd fell silent. He was coming. I could feel the sweat rolling down my back. But then, that might’ve been because I was soaking wet. All jokes aside, the King’s presence was more than intimidating. He was a tall, well-built man with medium-long, pure white hair and beard. He looked like he could destroy a whole battalion by himself, and that wasn’t just because of his built but also the expression he had. Stern, cold but yet wise. He was the person I feared the most. My own father.
Right beside him stood the royal advisor. A black-haired woman with pale white skin, as if she never stepped outside to meet the sun. I had never really spoken to her, but she would always keep close to the King and would occasionally talk to my brother since he was the heir to the throne. Though, something always seemed off about her.
When the King came close enough, all hundreds of us bowed before him. My brother met him with a kind smile and they shook hands. The King didn’t return the smile though. And then it was my turn, but there was no handshake. He just looked at me with his cold blue eyes. I stiffened as they went up and down from my feet to my head.
“I see we have been out swimming, Delta,” he said with a monotone voice but the raised eyebrow told everything.
I felt my face getting red as he passed me and my brother. I glared at Xenon when I saw that he was refraining from laughing. He returned my look and said: “You must admit, it’s just a tad bit funny.”
I didn’t say anything, I just turned around and followed the King, but I didn’t think badly about Xenon’s comment. I knew that, ultimately, Xenon was on my side when it came to the King and his behaviours.
We continued to follow the King towards the castle, the people of the town standing by the sides, clearing the path for us. The Guardsmen followed closely behind and I looked over my shoulder looking back at Ambrose. Our eyes met, but he quickly looked away. He was too focused and probably still disappointed in me. I turned my head back to face the front. I didn’t want to feel more guilty than necessary.
When we came to the top of the hill (this time taking the stairs), the Guardsmen went a different direction than us. They knew where we were going. We continued down the garden with its luscious green bushes and grass together with the flowers planted neatly around. The King stopped as he went and picked up a flower. All this time he didn’t say a word, neither did my brother, we all just continued to walk.
And then we arrived. It was as if everything became silent. There was no birds singing, no sound of the water hitting the shore. The King stood still in front of the stone with the text embedded:

Our beloved queen
Thalia

He laid the flower he picked just before in front of the grave. No matter how much I knew that I should feel sadness, I couldn’t help but feel that whenever I came here, it was my favourite time of my life. For here I would see my father. A human being who had lost the one thing that meant the most to him. 

Offline GreenTrap

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Re: The Moon
« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2017, 06:17:11 PM »
I'm reading through your most recent post of chapter 1, so here are some thoughts:
-Aritehl... Aritehl... Aritehl... how would you pronounce this? Either way, it's a lovely word.

-The flow of information is really well balanced. There wasn't too much or too little disposition, and her view of the king's arrival before actually being at the event meant you could disperse information related to him throughout the story. I think this is one of your strengths, which will help considering fantasy stories have a lot of exposition.

-I understand going through the gutter shows off her personality, but I would have thought she would smell really bad considering medieval gutters were also improvised sewers. Considering she's the king's daughter, that would come off as bad behavior, but that's just my view.

-Is she related to the king? That's the assumption I had but it wasn't stated outright or I might have overlooked it.

-It feels strangely engaging that the protagonist somewhat talks to herself yet feels like she's talking to an audience as well.

Otherwise, I'm very invested in reading this work. I hope to read more from you soon.

Offline MusicFreak8800

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Re: The Moon
« Reply #7 on: May 08, 2017, 04:27:00 PM »
GreenBeverage:
Thank you for your comment! :D I'm happy I'm going in the right direction :D

Oh, I would pronounce Aritehl like this: Ari- (with a slight rolling r) -tehl (t is pronounced like th in thought but harsher if that makes sense) :D

The gutters/canals is filled with clean water :D I'll edit it to make it more clear ;D I haven't explained the magic system yet, but the main character and her peers have the power to control water :D

She does state that the king is her father, but she doesn't call him that because she is very detached from him to the point where he could almost be a stranger :) But I'll elaborate more on it in the next part of the chapter :D

I hope to write more on it soon! :D

Offline GreenTrap

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Re: The Moon
« Reply #8 on: May 08, 2017, 04:59:33 PM »
It looks as though you have a lot planned out for this story. I just checked the summary which said about Delta and her father, I probably should have checked that before reading, but I rather get stuck right into the meat of a work.

Look forward to that next chapter  :ninja:

Offline MusicFreak8800

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Re: The Moon
« Reply #9 on: July 18, 2017, 09:59:23 AM »
Alright! I haven't updated for quite some time, but I manage to finish the first chapter completely with some more thoroughly editing, though I still have some issues with the writing style and by god my grammar is horrendous...

I was kinda thinking of making some illustrations to the project, kinda making it a light novel-esque thing since there are some who want me to do some comic like things :D Please tell me what you think! I really hope for some critique, because I really want to improve my writing skills ^^'

Spoiler
I was sitting on my desk, crossed legs, hands resting on my thighs and eyes focused on the view outside my window. It was early noon; the sun was close to its highest and the sky was clear with a few cotton clouds swaying further and further away. However, that was nothing compared to the rest of the view. The wide, clear, teal coloured sea looked as if there was nothing beyond what the eye could see. That the only place on earth with safe, solid ground was right here. Here on Aritehl.
A light knocking sounded from the door, but I didn’t react. I didn’t want to remove my eyes from the window, afraid that a single glance in another direction I would miss what I was waiting for.
“My lady,” a voice by the door called as it made a silent yet prominent creak.
“I’m almost ready,” I replied acting like I was still in the middle of dressing, which was very convincing with how I still sat on the table with crossed legs. I gave a quick look over my shoulder and saw my maid, Leia, peeking in. She smiled calmly at me, almost as if she was laughing slightly.
“Well, you might want to hurry up a little bit. The King is about to dock.”
A strike of cold went up my spine. I might have cursed. I don’t really recall, because the next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor, face planted on the carpet floor.
I had been looking out of the window all this time, thinking that the ship would come from the east which was the direction my window pointed in. I had the idea: I could be by the dock in time, almost being ‘fashionably late’, while enjoying the extra clear view of today. Seems I got the memo wrong because it apparently came from the west and now I was just going to be plain late.
With no second thought, I stormed out of the room leaving Leia behind and ran down the wide stone corridor. She still had a smirk on her face. I would’ve have told her off, but clearly, there was no time for that. I had to think fast. Which way would get me down to the docks quickest? Before I took a step further I felt something missing from my forehead, and I turned my feet, and sprinted back into my room, opened the desk drawer, took my crown and stormed out once again. This just made Leia outright laugh.
I continued to head west as far as I could while trying to place the crown to the side of my head. Of course, at one point I had to stop and turn because no living thing can run through walls. Many times, I would almost stumble into waiters and waitresses who were preparing for the banquet, welcoming the return of the King. Though, I didn’t stop up to help them if I happened to slam into one of them.
Finally, I got out to the outside corridor, feeling the light breeze touching my cheeks and drying my eyes slightly. But there was no time for a break, I had to find a way to the docks. Good thing was that they weren’t that far away from where I stood. Bad thing was that in order to get down there, I had to go down a billion stairs which didn’t go directly down to the docks but instead spiralled around the almost cliff-like hill which the castle lied on top of. So, I had to take a little shortcut.
Around the castle, there were narrow clean water canals (more gutters really) which the soldiers would use to get down to the main city as quickly as possible if any trouble should arrive. Guess what my little shortcut was. I wasn’t supposed to use them because they were a little too dangerous. Maybe ‘a little’ would be an understatement, since you might as well go down a vertical waterfall when using the canals. Though that didn’t prevent me from using them from time to time, in that, this would be my second time using them.
I went to the canal that headed straight down to the docks which fortunately weren't more than a couple of score meters away. I jumped in with my feet touching the surface of the water. The moment I stepped into the water, a warmth emitted from the emerald inside my crown which touched the side of my forehead. The water streamed into my sandals making me able to stay afloat and I felt a slight tingle in my feet as I pressed some of my mana into them from the emerald. I quickly adjusted it, just to be sure it wouldn’t fall off on my way down. It was just about concentrating and get the water to move me forward. Ambrose, my mentor and captain of the Guardsmen, probably would have wanted me to take it slow like the last time, but he was nowhere to be seen, so I went straight into the fall as fast as I mustered. How hard could it be?
It went fine the first half of the way. I could see directly down to the docks, where the crowd had gathered to greet their king. Riding the canal was almost fun if it wasn’t for the clear view of certain death if I were to lose control. Would you know, I lost control.
My feet started to wobble along with the rest of my body and of course, I ended up leaning too much on my left side making me fall over the ledge. I let out a squeak, higher pitched than an infant mouse, as I was about to become a mushed pancake. Luckily, my wonderful reflexes stepped in and in a split second, I managed to grab on to the canal. I almost felt my heart jump up my throat from the abrupt stop. And if my heart was not beating fast enough, it sure was now, because I could feel my arms getting slowly tired. It felt like I might have torn something in my shoulder, and it didn’t help that my arms couldn’t lift a couple of books not alone my own weight. Though, because the canal was so slanted, I could get my leg up and make contact with the water again. I was safe.
I sat still on the water with my eyes wide open, staring at the ground in front of me and hands tightly gripping the sides.
I would’ve been dead by now. That thought was quickly replaced when I saw the ship had docked, stairs down and all, and I let go of the ledges with no second to spare. Now that I was sitting down, my balance was not going to mess up anytime soon, it just meant that I would be soaking wet by the end of it. At least it was better than dying.
When the ground was more levelled again, I didn’t stop to take a little break pondering over my near-death experience. I stood up, lowered my knees and continued down the canal not caring if anyone was going across. I made other people wet and occasionally made a person land on their bottom. I believe I heard some shout at me, but they quickly became silent. Probably when they saw the clothes I wore. It wasn’t every day you would see a pure white (not to say clean) short dress with the signature metallic blue colour at the edges.
I somehow managed to not destroy anything on my way down and hopped onto the nice solid ground. For a moment, I was wanted to kiss it before I thought it might look weird that royalty would caress some dirt. Literally. It’s amazing how much your view on things can change when you have life threatening experiences.
I discreetly smooched me through the massive crowd and finally found my brother Xenon standing in the middle of everything. I looked behind me before reaching my brother, seeing how people started to look at their arms, wondering how they suddenly got wet. I looked down at my own arms and saw how some of their own dirt had transferred over to me. I tried to brush it off, but I failed and ended up making it more visible than before. Not that I stopped or anything. No, I continued to attempt brushing it off, making my skin redder and more dirty looking than before. Looking around if anyone would notice my failed attempt, my eyes caught sight of Ambrose. Though in a way, I wished I hadn’t seen him, because he was looking at me with his infamous stare, one eyebrow raised, one eyebrow down and very angry eyes. Yeah… it was safe to say he was not pleased. I smiled awkwardly at him, but it quickly faded away when I realised that it was not doing any good, rather it probably made things worse.
“I presume your plan didn’t go as expected,” Xenon said teasingly keeping my mind off Ambrose.
I frowned at him, which made him laugh through his teeth yet he didn’t break his position. He knew what I had been planning, I had spoken about it the day before. He had nodded, most likely thinking that it was adorable how much I prepared my entrance. Just in time, going confidently (and dry) through the crowd and standing in perfect formation as The King would ascend the ship. How that turned out as planned. Compared to me, Xenon didn’t need any planning when it came to public appearances. He just did what felt most natural for him, which of course always was the right thing to do.
I was about to give a comeback when the crowd fell silent. I looked at the top of the stairs to the ship with widened eyes. He was coming. The King’s presence was more than intimidating. He was a tall, well-built man with medium-long, pure white hair and beard. He looked like he could destroy a whole battalion by himself, and that wasn’t only because of his built but also the expression he had. Stern, cold, yet wise. No sign of warmth. He was the person I feared the most. My own father. I gulped and could feel the sweat rolling down my back. But then again, that might’ve been because I was soaking wet.
Right beside him stood the royal advisor. A black-haired woman, dressed in an all-black cloak with pale white skin, as if she never stepped outside to meet the sun. I had never really spoken to her, I didn’t even know her name other than people would call her ‘Advisor’. She would always keep close to the King and would occasionally talk to my brother since he was the heir to the throne. Me? A polite ‘Good evening’ was the extent of our conversations. She had this very silent voice, which had a weird wisp to it. Her movements also seemed eerily different from the average person. In general, something always seemed off about her.
When the King came close enough, all hundreds of us bowed before him. My brother met him with a kind smile and they shook hands. The King didn’t return the smile though. When it was my turn, but there was no handshake. He looked at me with his cold blue eyes. I stiffened as they went up and down from my feet to my head.
“I see we have been out swimming, Delta,” he said with a monotone voice but the raised eyebrow told everything.
I felt my face getting red as he passed me and my brother. I glared at Xenon when I noticed that he was trying his best not to laugh. He returned my look and replied with a warm smile: “You must admit, it’s just a tad bit funny.”
“Hardy, hardy, ha,” I said in a sarcastic manner, but the moment he turned his look and moved forward, I couldn’t help but make a little smile myself. Despite how my efforts failed, I still managed to make the King crack a joke. Those times were rare and I don’t believe that I ever made him show that side of himself before. I might have been overthinking it, but still…a tiny hope flared inside me.
I followed troop and was not far behind Xenon and the King on our way to the castle. The people of the city stood by the sides, clearing the path and bowing as we passed them. The Guardsmen followed closely behind and for a moment I took a peek over my shoulder looking back at Ambrose. Our eyes met, but he moved his gaze on to the ground once again. He was either too focused or disappointed (which was most likely the real reason). I turned my head back to face the front. I didn’t want that one spark of relief to be drowned by guilt.
When we came to the top of the cliff (this time taking the stairs), the Guardsmen went a different direction than us. They all knew where we were heading. We continued down the garden with its luscious green bushes and grass with all kinds of flowers planted neatly around. Red, blue, yellow, even purple. However, The King stopped at one lonely white rose and picked it up, careful not to prick himself on the thorns. All this time, he didn’t say a single word, neither did my brother, neither did I. We just walked.
And then we arrived. It was as if everything became silent. There were no birds singing, no sound of the waves hitting the cliff side. The King stood still in front of the stone with the text embedded:

Our beloved Queen
Thalia

He slowly kneeled down on one knee and laid the rose softly before the grave. I could hear a low whisper coming from him as he bent his head. No matter how much I knew that sadness was the only thing I should ever feel when being at this place, I couldn’t help but feel that being here was my favourite time in my life. For here I would see my father. A human being who had lost the one thing that meant the most to him.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was drowning. Maybe slightly exaggerating (or a lot) since I was in a pool with water reaching my waist, but I some part of me wished I was. Ambrose was mad, very mad, so mad that he scolded me to his heart’s content, knocking me over so I ended up where I was. Okay, maybe not knocking me over because he was mad, we were training so he was bound to do it at some point, but it did feel a bit rougher than usual.
I looked at the distorted ceiling through the water when the figure of Ambrose crept above me. I could hear him say something but the water muffled it, so it ended up sounding like nothing. Though, I could at least figure out that he repeated my name at least three times before I decided to stand on the bottom of the pool and get my head above the water. As soon as my face was clear from all water, he took a step back and squatted down to face me.
“Do I need to ask? Do I want to ask?” he said with a stern tone.
“You kinda already did,” I said when I stepped out of the pool and sat down on the edge facing him once again. He was still standing on the surface of the water as if it was solid ground. He sighed as he looked up at the ceiling.
“Why do you need to prove yourself?” Even though he had calmed down it was quite obvious he was still irritated. “The King doesn’t even show any affection to the crown prince, his heir, his first born. How do you expect him to show any to you?”
I looked down at my feet through the water trying to ignore his comments. They looked smaller under water than above.
“Delta,” he said with a harder tone.
“One can’t help but hope, can they?” I replied, grinding my teeth.
He fell silent, we both did. I looked at him once again and I saw his infamous stare had finally relaxed to a more compassionate expression. He started to get back on his feet and sat beside me, sinking his legs down to the water beside mine. His legs were a lot longer, feet a lot bigger, not to say hairier but that was to be expected from a 35-year-old man. We did have the same form of sandals though, his were just a lot more worn out than mine.
“How did it go this time?” he said with a sigh under his breath. I appreciated his attempt at understanding me and my adolescent mind.
“He made a joke about how wet I was,” I said with a smile.
“And you see that as a win?” he asked with a raised eyebrow when he saw the pleased face I had.
“Of course! The King cracking a joke that’s not something you hear every day,” I said even more enthusiastic. “And I made him do it.”
There was a certain proudness to my voice, which made Ambrose soften up. But then he stopped, wrinkled his eyebrows and asked, “that’s right, how did you end up getting that wet?”
I opened my mouth but before I said anything, I realised how dumb it would be to tell him and stopped myself from saying another word. Not that it mattered because my sudden silence gave it all away. I could almost feel how the earth shook from the anger that was building up.
“But it’s not like I died or anything!” I said trying to save the situation while scooting away from him. I liked to have my eardrums intact.
“And what’s that supposed to mean?” Trying to save it, I managed to make things worse. The infamous stare was back, and I believed that I started to see the blood veins in his forehead started to pump.
I was about to flee for my life when a voice called my name. We both looked at the entrance and saw Xenon peeking out with a big smile on his face.
Oh, by the heavens, thank you! Relieved and without a second to spare, I ran over to him. No ringing ears this time! Ambrose quickly stood up and bowed deeply, paying his respect to the throne heir. Xenon bowed back but quickly pulled me out. I looked behind me and waved Ambrose goodbye or more a ‘see you later’. Though, while still holding his bow, his eyes stared at me, looked as angry as before. As if he was saying ‘we are not done here’. I hoped that he would forget things if I avoided him for long enough. As soon he was out of my sight, I turned my head and out of the blue, I was met with a cream puff the same size as my palm right in front of my eyes.
“Thought you might want one,” Xenon said with a wink.
My smile broadened and I accepted it with a smile. I showed it in my mouth and rolled my eyes in delight. The cook only made these for banquets and tonight there was going to be one. I looked up at Xenon, as I was still chewing on the fluffy puff.
“Did you steal it from the kitchen?”
“Gasp, what do you think of me?” he said in a very ironic manner with his hand on his chest which made me smile wider. “One of the maids carried a plate and I quickly snatched one.”
“So, you did steal it,” I said.
“Steal and steal,” he said while cocking his head from side to side. “It’s not really stealing when it’s meant for us to eat. We just eat it…prematurely.”
“Right… prematurely…”
“I couldn’t find the right word,” he said while waving his hand around his head.
“For some reason, I doubt the cook will see it that way.” Attempting to make my best to make an accent of a posh Aritheian farmer, I mimicked the cook with my fist in the air. “You brrrratz, no respect for cook!”
My voice cracked on the last word, but it only added to the cook’s voice, since it sounded like a mixture of an old man and a distressed goose. Xenon laughed with his head down and arms on his hips. His laugh must have been contagious because the next moment I started giggling myself. His smile became wider, as he loosened his body and said, “you probably should find Leia and prepare for the banquet. Maybe take a bath. Or maybe skip that part since seeing how wet you’ve been the whole day, I don’t think you need it.”
I hit him on the arm and he faked being hurt by whining and holding the place I hit him. I stuffed the rest of the cream puff in my mouth, licking my fingers and ran down the corridor. I couldn’t wait to fill my belly with nothing but those things.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I stared down at the greens, the only thing left on my plate and my mouth understandably turned downwards. At least it amused Leia, who stood beside me, enjoying watching me suffer.
“My lady, you might want to eat those,” Leia whispered into my ear to taunt me even more.
My frown became more prominent. I sat beside the King and in desperation to find an excuse not to eat the rest I glanced over at the Kings plate. Of course, it was clean with the exception of some excess sauce used for the fish. A seat longer away, Xenon sat, with a plate with no sauce, no greens, nothing. I gave my own plate a look. Stuffing my hatred of vegetables into a corner, I ate the plate clean. The moment I gulped the last piece down the maids took all the plates. Finally, dessert.
I observed the guests who arrived throughout the day. It was rather easy to see all the faces since we sat a good distance from the others. The others sat by either side of the room, all white heads with the occasional grey or cream-haired. I was one of the few with the cream-hair which I inherited from our mother. Xenon had pure white hair like the King, the hairstyles were similar with short-medium curls that were pulled back to show the forehead and crown. My hair went to my shoulders, enough hair to make a braid on either side of my head, connecting in the back, revealing a faded birthmark on the back of my neck. Though, I wanted to grow it out so I could braid it into a crown. Just like our mother’s.
I scouted the room to see if I could recognise any of the guests. Some I had seen before but never spoken to. There wasn’t any at my age either, the youngest around his early 20’s excluding me. I was only 14. And guess what, the other guy was Xenon. I smiled when I found Ambrose by the end of the room, sitting together with other officers. But then I remembered our little quarrel earlier, so I quickly leant back in my chair in hope of he wouldn’t catch sight of me. Though, I still had my eyes on the officer sitting across him. Older looking fella with a big white moustache, wearing deep blue uniform. A colleague of Ambrose maybe. Without realising it, I became entranced in his moustache and at how neatly cut it looked. It was only until later I noticed the serious look he gave the other side of the table. I leant slightly to my right as I tried to see what caught his eyes. A guard had gone up to Ambrose and was whispering something in his ears. Suddenly, a loud scream sounded outside. We all stiffened and stared at the door. Only Ambrose stood up and quickly went outside. Confused, I tried to see if any of the others looked as lost as I was. Leia looked more concerned than confused. Xenon looked curious but still confused to some extent. Before I could see the face of the King, he had gotten up and headed towards the door. I looked at my brother once again, who now seemed to be in deep thought when he got up himself. Not knowing what to do, I followed him. I gave Leia an unsure look which she returned. Seeing how she ended up walking beside me, she knew that Xenon wouldn’t be able to take care of me. Something bad was going on.
The closer we came to outside, the louder the shouting became. When we could see the open night sky, it was clear what created the shouting. A brown-haired man had gone rampage on some soldiers and one of them was lying on the ground, holding his weirdly placed arm. It faced the wrong direction. The other three who brought him up to the castle held him down as he huffed to breathe as well as getting the water out of his mouth. The soldiers must have flooded the ground outside, so they would have access to water if something were to happen.
“We found him hiding in one of the homes on the outskirts,” one of the soldiers said while struggling to hold the man down.
Ambrose walked closer and stood right in front of the man’s eyes. They were big with the most striking green I had seen in a decade.
A Viterran? I hadn’t seen one since the last execution almost a whole decade ago. But I could never forget those deep green eyes. They reminded me of that night.
“State your reasoning for being here,” Ambrose said in a harsh tone.
“I live here,” the man growled.
Ambrose wrinkled his eyebrows. To him, and everyone present, hearing a Viterran live in Aritehl was unheard of after the exile.
“You are aware of the banishment?” Ambrose said trying to make sense of the situation.
The man replied with a glare as continued to huff the water out of his nose and mouth. Being sensible as he was, Ambrose didn’t push forward with the question. A Viterran wasn’t to reason with.
“The people he stayed with, where are they now?” he asked the soldiers.
“We have some other soldiers looking after them back there,” one of them replied.
Ambrose nodded to himself and gave the Viterran a look.
“This man probably wants to be reunited with his family. Bring them in.”
The man’s eyes flared up and he started to resist the soldiers more than before. I wanted to hold my ears. The shouting was unbearable. I switched my look to Ambrose. Were the other people Ariteians?
“Sir, two of them are children,” the same soldier said with a concerning tone to his voice. The soldier gave a quick glance at me. I knew how old they were.
Ambrose froze. His chest started to raise up and down in a static motion and like the soldier, he gave me a concerned look. He then looked at the King as if he was asking his opinion. The King didn’t do anything, and I couldn’t see what he was feeling. His face was as stern and cold as before. Then, he nodded. I could hear the guest behind me whisper in disbelief. I looked at them trying to see their faces, see if anyone was going to say something. But all I could see was disgust. No compassion, no pity, only disgust.
A lump went down Ambrose’s throat and at first, he stood there, looking at the flooded ground. And then, closing his eye, he said it,
“Bring them all in.”
My mouth started to tremble, my eyes widened. I wanted to protest. I desperately looked at my brother. If there was anyone people would listen to other than the King it was him. But he didn’t do anything. He stood with clutched fists, looking at the Viterran. I didn’t care for the Viterran, for what we knew he could be lying, using the poor family for his own need. Then, the Viterran left an even louder growl, making me jump. No matter how much I tried to twist the truth, a man using other people wouldn’t be in such distress when he learned they would have the same fate as him. They were his family.
People started to walk inside. The drama had been settled. Leia started to lead me inside, but I kept having my head turned, keeping an eye on Xenon and the King and I could just about glimpse the Viterran man. And that’s when he spoke up.
“Damn you and your family!” the man started to shout at us. “You have done nothing but bring your people misery and poverty! To hell to all of you! To hell with—“
Silence fell. The water started to have a darker hue and the moonlight reflected the red light. The water crept up to my feet and I could feel how my whole body began to shake. How I hoped that it wasn’t true. As much as I despised them, seeing another limb body made me want to throw up. I never wanted to see another dead person, but here I was, standing a few meters away from a fresh body. Pierced from the water.
“Who did this?!” Ambrose shouted at the soldiers, but the soldiers were as shocked as we were. Except there was one person who wasn’t.
Ambrose slowly turned his head to the King once again. I glanced at the King’s feet. They were soaking wet.
“Your Highness?” Ambrose said in disbelief.
Before I could hear an answer from him, Xenon quickly turned and walked towards me. He laid a light hand on my back and looked at Leia.
“Take her to her room.” He kneeled, not caring if his white garment got soaked with the blood infused water. He put a hand on my cheek and whispered, “It’s okay. It’s okay.”
As he was saying it, the King turned his look from the man to us. The blue light from the night sky fell upon his face, while his eyes caught the red hue of the water. With widened eyes, I looked him straight into his.
Cold.


Edit: I just watched a video about how to strengthen your writing, so I had some editing done :D
« Last Edit: July 18, 2017, 04:59:53 PM by MusicFreak8800 »

Offline S8N

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Re: The Moon
« Reply #10 on: July 18, 2017, 05:14:25 PM »
I was sitting on "in front of" my desk, legs crossed, hands resting on my thighs, and eyes focused on the view outside my window. It was early noon; the sun was close to its highest "at its peak" sounds better and the sky was clear with a apart from the few cotton clouds that calmly swayed "drifted" works better further and further away. However, that was nothing compared to the rest of the view. The wide, clear, teal coloured I highly advise cutting down the adjectives. sea looked as if there was nothing beyond what the eye could see Consider rephrasing. Sounds too wordy. That the only place on earth with safe, solid ground was right here. Here on Aritehl. Consider rephrasing. IE:"That the only safe place was here. On Aritehl."

The first paragraph gave me a very mixed idea. Her observation of the scenery felt more objective, which is fit for a third person story rather than your first person. To remedy this, you should add more phrases that indicate how the protagonist feels, instead of strictly what the protagonist is seeing. Also, your sentences should be more concise. We were taught in school to flood our sentences with adjectives and descriptions, but often that creates needless fillers that distracts the reader of the main point. I was once told this at a writing convention: "You should write your story in the least words possible." While not 100% true,  it's good practice to write simplistically, adding emphasis only when it is necessary.

A light knocking sounded from the door, but I didn’t react. Inconsistency here. A character in the first person wouldn't notice that they didn't react to something. They might "took no notice of it" or "ignored it," but "didn't react" is more of they weren't aware of the action. I didn’t want to remove my eyes from the window, afraid that with a single glance in another direction I would miss what I was waiting for.

“My lady,” a voice by the door called as it made a silent yet prominent creak.

“I’m almost ready,” I replied, acting like "pretending" A minor detail, but makes it sound more professional. I was still in the middle of dressing, which was very convincing with how I still sat on the table with crossed legs. Consider rephrasing or removal. It sounds out of place. I gave a quick look over my shoulder and saw my maid, Leia, peeking in. She smiled calmly at me, almost as if she was laughing slightly.

“Well, you might want to hurry up a little bit Too many words.. The King is about to dock.”

A strike of cold "chill" ? went ran up my spine. I may have cursed. I don’t really recall, because the next thing I knew Hmmmm... This one is difficult. We would remove "I don't really recall" because it is re-emphasized in "The next thing I knew", I was lying on the floor, face planted on the carpet floor.

I had been looking out of the window all this time, thinking that "expecting" the ship would come from the east which was the direction , where my window pointed in was pointing. I had the idea: I could be by the dock just in time, almost being ‘fashionably late’, while enjoying the extra clear view of today. Seems I got the memo wrong because it apparently came from the west and now I was just going to be plain late. Oof. Try this. "I had the idea that, since I would be by the dock just in time, I could enjoy the clear view of the sea just a bit longer. I appeared to have been misinformed, since the ship was coming from the west. Now, I was going to be late." I noticed you were trying to compare "fashionably late" to "plain late," but the sheer quantity of words and confusion wasn't going to allow that to happen. I had to read the lines a couple times before really understanding the idea. It's our primary objective to make the thought process perfectly clear to the reader.

Without a] second thought, I stormed out of the room, leaving Leia behind and ran down the wide stone corridor Consider removal. Disconnected from the action "leaving Leia behind". She still had a smirk on her face. I would’ve have told her off, but clearly, Again, too wordy. there was no time for that. I had to think fast. Which way would get me down to the docks quickest? Before I took a step further I felt something missing from my forehead, and I quickly turned my feet, and sprinted back into my room, opened the desk drawer, took my crown and stormed out once again. Run-on. Break it apart. This just Too wordy, again. made Leia outright laugh.

I continued to head west as far as I could Too wordy., while trying to place I would use "adjusting" the crown to the side of my head. Of course, at one point I had to stop and turn because no living thing can run through walls. Consider rephrasing completely. IE: "All the twist and turns made my task all the more difficult." Many times, I would almost stumble into "unsuspecting" Can contribute to the scene more :3. waiters and waitresses who were preparing for the banquet, welcoming the return of the King "to welcome the returning king". Though, I didn’t stop up to help them if I happened to slam into one of them. Consider removal.

Finally, I got out "reached" or "arrived" to the outside corridor, feeling the light breeze touching my cheeks and drying my eyes slightly Consider rephrasing or removal. Abrupt introduction to new idea.. But There was no time for a break; I had to find a way to the docks. Good thing was it wasn't too far away from where I stood. Bad thing was that in order to get down there, I had to go down a billion stairs which didn’t go directly down to the docks but instead Consider removal. spiraled around the almost cliff-like hill which the castle lied on top of "rested upon". So, I had to take a little shortcut.

I'm sorry that I did not finish editing your piece. It is quite long and is full of errors. The fault is primarily my own, since I'm trying to drown the piece with color coded edits so you can see what was wrong (which takes a long time to do). Follow my instructions throughout the rest of your work, and I'm sure it will turn out a lot more polished. If you like, I can also rewrite the remaining portion in the way I'd write the story (without comments or color coding) so I can finish what I started.

The story itself seems interesting (from the portion I edited at least. I've already seen strong character development and world-building that greatly contributes to the piece. As you'd expect, my greatest issue with it is the technical writing itself. The things you need to watch out for is unnecessary wording and fluency. Try reading it aloud; you'll catch a lot just on your own. Feel free to contact me via DM or Discord if you want further help (Again, I can proceed in rewriting the rest of it completely if you wish. It would takes ~1/4 the time than marking the entire piece down detail by detail)
~~~
S8N

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Re: The Moon
« Reply #11 on: July 18, 2017, 05:36:40 PM »
S8N:
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This means so much to me that you took the time to show me all the mistakes I had already in that small part!!! I knew I had a lot of mistakes, but I never thought I had this many! :ohmy:
I will note everything down and try to always have your tips in mind whenever I write!! AAAH, I COULD GIVE YOU A HUG!!!!!

And if you have the time I would love to see your version of what I have written, but only if you want to!

I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!!!!

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Re: The Moon
« Reply #12 on: July 19, 2017, 01:18:25 AM »
Spoiler
I was sitting in front of my desk, legs crossed, with my hands rested on my thighs. My eyes were diverted to the majestic view outside of my window. It was early noon; the sun was at its peak and the sky was clear apart from the few cotton clouds that were drifting off into the distance. The sea below, which stretched endlessly—further than the eye can see—reflected the rays of light brilliantly. From my room, it felt like that the only safe place on earth was here. On Aritehl.

A light knock sounded from the door behind me, which I took little notice in. I was intent to stand guard in front of my window, afraid that a single glance in another direction would make me miss what I was waiting for.

“My lady,” a voice called from behind the door as it opened with a silent yet prominent creak.

“I’m almost ready,” I replied abruptly, pretending that I was in the middle of dressing. I gave a glance over my shoulder and saw my maid, Leia, peeking in. She smiled awkwardly at me, as if she was struggling to maintain composure.

“Well, you might want to hurry up. The King is about to dock.”

A chill ran up my spine as I clambered out of my seat in alarm. I may have cursed. The next thing I knew, I was lying on the floor with my face planted on the carpet floor.

I had been peering out all this time expecting that the ship would arrive from the east, where my window was pointing. I was under the impression that, since I could arrive to the dock right on time, I could enjoy the view outside just a bit longer before he arrived. I appeared to have been misinformed, since the ship was coming from the west and, now, I was going to be late.

Without a second thought, I stormed out of the room, leaving Leia behind as I rushed down the wide, stone corridor. She had a smirk on her face when I passed her, but I fought the urge to chastise her. I had to think fast. Which way would get my down to the docks the fastest? As I frantically wandered around, I realized I was missing something. Sprinting back to my room, I opened my desk drawer and snatched up my crown, leaving as quick as I came. This made Leia, who had not moved since, to laugh outright.

I proceeded to head west, adjusting the crown to the side of my head. All the twists and turns in the halls made my task all the more difficult. Many times, I would almost stumble into the unsuspecting waiters and waitresses as they prepared the banquet to welcome the returning king. They cried out in alarm whenever I maneuvered past them, but I didn’t have time to stop to help or apologize.

After what seemed like forever, I finally reached the outside corridor. The breeze was gentle as it brushed my cheeks, and I yearned for a moment of rest. There was no time for a break; I had to find a way to the docks. By now, it wasn’t that far away from where I stood, but I’d had to descend down a prolonged flight of stairs that spiraled down the cliff-like hill that the castle rested upon. Running out of time, I decided to take a shortcut.

Around the castle, there was a narrow system of canals which the soldiers used to get down to the main city in case of emergency. I wasn’t supposed to use them, since they were sort of dangerous. Well, maybe “sort of” was an understatement; the steep drop of the gutters were comparable to that of a vertical waterfall. It wasn’t so bad. Besides, this would be my second time using it.

I followed the path that headed straight for the docks, which weren’t more than a couple hundred meters away by now. I cautiously ventured towards the water, my feet brushing the surface. As I did, a familiar warmth emanated from the emerald embedded in my crown. The water formed comfortably into sandals, which allowed me to float at the surface. As I stepped in, I felt a slight tingle in my feet as I focused my mana on them. I adjusted my crown on my head so it wouldn’t fall off on my way down the rapids. My mentor, Ambrose, probably would’ve wanted me to take it slow like the first time, but what he doesn’t know wouldn’t kill him.  He was probably off performing his duties as the captain of the Guardsmen. Guiltily, I ignored his warnings, which echoed in my mind. I mean, it was all about being in control of the current. How hard could it be?

I started down the fall, gaining confidence as I went further down. I could see the figures of the crowd that has gathered to greet their king, and I sped up to join thing. Riding the canal was almost fun, after you got the fear of losing control out of your head. Too bad I did, since after half way through I lost my balance and plunged forward towards the bottom.

My feet started to wobble as I leaned too far to my left. I squeaked as I desperately tried to readjust my stance. In a split second decision, I clung onto the side of the canal, hugging it tightly as the water threatened to drag me towards my death. My heart was now racing, and it’s frantic beating sounded clearly over the roar of the water. My arms were getting sore, but I didn’t dare let go. I felt like I tore my shoulder, let alone I wasn’t used to putting so much strain on my body. I propped myself up shakily, eyes wide open, as I gave myself some time to digest the situation. My hands were still firmly locked in the crevices of the railing.

I could’ve been died there. The thought quickly shadowed over my previously anxiousness when flying down the stairs and rushing through the corridors without a second to spare. Though I was safe now, I felt uneasy to scale the rest of the canal. Remaining in my balled up position, I cautiously slid down the rest of the cascade. By the end, every inch of my body was soaking wet, but at least it was better than dying.

After the ground leveled out, I climbed back up to my feet. At this stage, more people were using the waterway. As I sped through, some people shouted angrily at me when I cut past them. They quickly went silent, probably due to the white and metallic blue robes that distinguished the wearer as nobility.

When I finally got off, I thought I’d never be happier to see solid ground in my life. I contemplated kissing it, but thought otherwise. It would look weird to see royalty caressing the dirt, anyways. The water, which shined beautifully from the window of my room earlier in the day, now jeered behind me as I hopped about.

I discreetly forced my way through the crowd before finding my brother, Xenon, in the midst of the spectators. The people behind me brushed their arms, wondering why their clothing were moist. I noticed that the grime on theirs had transferred on mine, and I hastily tried to brush it off, making the transformation all the more obvious. Flustered, I furiously continued wiping at the filth, making my clothing dirtier and dirtier.

I darted my eyes around, hoping nobody noticed my failures, and my heart sank as I caught sight of Ambrose. I wish I didn’t, because his eyes were locked on mine with his infamous stare—one that he gave me all too frequently. It was safe to assume he was not pleased. I tried to smile at him awkwardly, which only intensified his expression. Wisely, I broke eye contact with him, though I expected that it wouldn’t end there.

“I presume your plan didn’t go as expected,” Xenon said teasingly.

I darted a vexed look at him, which made him chuckle quietly to himself. He knew what I had in mind, after all my boasting the day before. I envisioned a grandiose, and dry, entrance through the water just as the King descended from his ship. As if that worked out. Xenon warned me it wouldn’t, and at the time, I could not understand his way of life. He didn’t care about things like that, and only did things that felt natural to him. It sounds so boring, but in hindsight, it was probably the right thing to do.

I opened my mouth to say something to him when the crowd suddenly fell silent. I spun around and started at the mouth of the ship’s cabin. The King was a rather intimidating man. He was well built, with medium-long, pure white hair and beard. He looked like someone who can destroy an entire battalion by himself, not only because of his size. His expression was like steel. Stern, cold, yet wise. There was no sign of warmth. My father, who I feared the most. My own father. I felt a drop of sweat roll down my neck, but, then again, I was still soaking wet from before.

Beside the King was his royal advisor. A black haired woman, clad in a fully black cloak. She had unusually pale, white skin, as if she never stepped into sunlight before. She was close to the King, and would occasionally exchange words with my brother, since he was the heir to the throne. My conversations with her usually didn’t extend longer than a simple ‘Good Evening’. She had a rather silent voice, which had a weird wisp to it. She walked differently than the average person, almost to an eerie extent. I always felt that there was something off about her.

When the King came close enough, the hundred of people that had gathered bowed before him. Xenon met him with a kind smile, which the King didn’t return. The two clasped hands firmly. The King then passed by me, and I stiffened as his cold, blue eyes scanned up and down my body.

“I see we have been out swimming, Delta,” he said with a monotone voice, but the raised eyebrow told everything.

I felt my cheeks burn as he walked away. I noticed Xenon stifling a laugh, and elbowed him, annoyed. “You have to admit, it’s a just tad bit funny,” he said, amused.

“Hardy, har, har,” I replied in a sarcastic, singsong manner, but the moment he turned away, I couldn’t help but smile to myself. Despite the embarrassment, I still managed to make my father crack a joke. I can’t even recall the last time he addressed me in such a way. Perhaps I was overthinking it, but a tiny sliver of hope flared inside me.

I followed my brother and the King on the way to the castle. The citizens of the city stood on either side of us, clearing a path and bowing as we passed through them. The Guardsmen were close behind, and when I looked back I met eyes with Ambrose again. After a pause, he shifted his gaze towards the crowds again. He was either too focused on the task at hand, or more likely, to my chagrin, disappointed in me.

When we arrived to the top of the hill—this time, taking the stairs—the Guardsmen split off in a different direction. The three of us continued down to the garden, which was laden with its usual luscious green bushes and rows of flowers that came in a wide array of colors. The trip was quiet, and the King stopped at one point to pick a lonely white rose.

It wasn’t long before we arrived. It was as if everything became silent; there were no birds singing, and the sounds of the waves disappeared off in the distance. The King stood still in front on a stone with words neatly etched into its face.

Our beloved Queen,
Thalia

He slowly kneeled down on one knee and laid the rose softly before the grave. I heard him whisper something inaudible as he bent his head down. Even though the place harbored nothing but sorrow, I felt strangely happy when standing there behind him. For it was here where I am reminded who my father really is. A human being who had lost the one thing that meant the most to him.
Spoiler
I was drowning. Maybe that was an exaggeration, since the water only reached my waist if I was standing, but I didn’t want to get up again. Ambrose was evidently displeased, and was scolding me  to his heart’s content. He had his own methods. We were training so he was bound knock me about, but this time it definitely felt rougher than usual.

I looked at the distorted ceiling through the water as Ambrose paced above me. I could hear him say something but the water muffled it, so it ended up sounding like nothing. I barely made out my named at least three times as he called to me. Deciding that staying submerged would just annoy him further, I propped myself back up into standing position. As soon as all the water cleared from my face, he took a step back and squatted down, inspecting me with a slight frown.

“Do I need to ask?” he said with a stern tone. ”Do I want to ask?”

“You kind of already did,” I said, pushing myself out of the pool and sitting down on the edge. He was still standing on the surface of the water as if it was solid ground. He sighed as he peered up at the ceiling.

“Why do you need to prove yourself?” Ambrose asked. He was calmer than before, but was still irritated. “The King doesn’t even show any affection to the crown prince, his firstborn and heir to the throne. How do you expect him to show any to you?”

I glanced down stubbornly and distracted myself with my feet, which were still submerged in the water. From the surface, they looked smaller than normal.

“Delta,” he said with a harder tone.

“One can’t help but hope, can they?” I replied through clenched teeth.

He didn’t reply, and the room fell silent. I heard him sigh as he sat down next to me, sinking his legs down into the water beside mine. His legs were a lot longer than mine, and his feet were a lot bigger, but that was expected from a 35 year old man. Nothing about us were common except for the form of out sandals, which even appeared more worn out than mine’s. I glanced up to him to find his once angry stare relax into a more compassionate sort of expression

“How did it go this time?” he said, almost in defeat. I appreciated his attempt at understanding me and my adolescent mind.

“He made a joke about how wet I was,” I said with a little smile.

“And you see that as a win?” he asked with a raised eyebrow, observing my pleased expression.

“Of course! The King cracking a joke that’s not something you hear every day,” I said, this time with more enthusiasm, “and I made him do it.”
There was a certain proudness to my voice, which made Ambrose soften up. But then he stopped, wrinkled his eyebrows and asked, “that’s right, how did you end up getting that wet?”

I opened my mouth to reply, but before I said anything, I realised how it would be foolish to let him in on the details. Not that it mattered, because my sudden silence gave it all away. I could feel his anger building up around me.

“But it’s not like I died or anything!” I said sheepishly, bracing myself for the shouting to come. I cautiously edged several inches away from his fuming figure.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” he asked in a low voice, his infamous look returning to his face.

I was about to flee for my life when a voice outside called my name. We both looked at the entrance and saw Xenon peeking in with a big smile on his face. Relieved, I ran over to him without a second’s hesitation—a decision that probably saw to the safety of my eardrums. Ambrose quickly stood up and bowed deeply, paying his respect. Xenon bowed back before quickly pulling me out. I looked behind me and waved to Ambrose. Though, while still holding his bow, his looked as angry as ever. His message was clear: “we’re not done here”. I hoped that he would forget it if I avoided him for long enough. As soon he was out of my sight, I turned my head and was met with a large cream puff that was about the size as my palm.

“Thought you might want one,” Xenon said with a wink.

My smile broadened and I accepted it gratefully. I shoved it in my mouth and rolled my eyes in delight. The cook only made these for banquets, like the one tonight. I looked up at Xenon, as I was still chewing on his own.

“Did you steal it from the kitchen?”

He mocked a gasp. “What do you think of me?” he said in a very ironic manner, placing his hand on his chest. “One of the maids was carrying so I quickly snatched one.”

“So, you did steal it,” I said.

“Stealing, stealing, stealing...” he said while cocking his head from side to side. “Dear sister, it’s not stealing when it’s meant for us. We’re just eating it…prematurely.”

“Right…” I said, unconvinced, “prematurely…”

“I couldn’t find the right word,” he said, waving his hand around his head.

“For some reason, I doubt the cook will see it that way.” Attempting to make my best imitation of a posh Aritheian farmer accent, I exclaimed, fist in the air, “you brrrratz, no respect for cook!”

My voice cracked on the last word, but it only added onto the impression, since it sounded like a mixture of an old man and a distressed goose. Xenon howled with laughter, must have been contagious because the next moment I found myself giggling as well.

“You probably should find Leia and prepare for the banquet. Maybe take a bath.” He glanced up mischievously. “Or not, seeing how wet you’ve been all day.”

I hit him on the arm and he faked a whine while cradling his arm. I stuffed the rest of the cream puff in my mouth, licking my fingers, and ran down the corridor. I couldn’t wait to fill my belly with more later in the evening.
Spoiler
I stared down at the greens, which the only thing left on my plate and my mood dropped sulkily. At least Leia, who stood beside me, got a good laugh out of it.

“My lady, you might want to eat those,” Leia whispered into my ear, relishing the scene. My frown became more prominent. I glanced towards the King in desperation to find an excuse not to eat the rest. Without failure, it was clean with the exception of some excess sauce from the fish. A seat further, Xenon sat with a plate that was rid of sauce, greens—nothing. I gave my own plate a look. My hatred of vegetables aside, I ate the plate clean. After everyone waited while I painfully swallowed the rest of my meal piece by piece, the maids cleared the table. It was well worth it too, since we’ve come to dessert.

I observed the guests who arrived throughout the day. It was rather easy to see all their faces since we sat a good distance from the others. The others were seated on either side of the room, mainly white colored with the occasional grey or cream hair. I was one of the few with the cream hair, which I inherited from my mother. Xenon’s was pure white, like the King, both whom boasted short-medium curls that pulled back to show their forehead and crown. My hair went down to my shoulders—enough hair to make a braid on either side of my head which connected in the back, revealing a faded birthmark on the back of my neck. I wanted to grow it out more so I could braid it into a crown. Just like our mother.

I scouted the room to see if I could recognise any of the guests. Some I had seen before, but never spoken to. There weren’t any at my age, either. The youngest was around his early 20’s excluding me—I was only 14—and that was Xenon. I smiled when I found Ambrose at the end of the room, sitting together with other officers. But then, remembering our quarrel earlier, I quickly leant back in my chair in hopes that he wouldn’t catch sight of me. I shifted my eyes on the officer sitting across him. Older looking fellow with a big white moustache, wearing deep blue uniform. A colleague of Ambrose, maybe. Without realising it, I became entranced in his moustache and how neatly cut it looked. It was only until a while after had I noticed the serious look he gave towards other side of the table. I leant slightly to my right and tried to see what caught his eyes.

A guard had gone up to Ambrose and was whispering something in his ears. Suddenly, a loud scream sounded from outside. We all stiffened and stared at the door. Only Ambrose stood up and quickly went outside. Confused, I tried to see if any of the others was as lost as I was. Leia looked more concerned than confused. Xenon looked curious but still puzzled to an extent. Before I could see the face of the King, he had gotten up and was already headed towards the door. I looked at my brother once again, who now seemed to be in deep thought when he got up himself. Not knowing what to do, I followed him. I gave Leia an anxious look which she returned. Something bad was going on.

The closer we got outside, the louder the shouting became. When we came under the open moonlight, it was clear what created the commotion. A brown-haired man had gone rampant on some soldiers. One of them was lying on the ground, holding his weirdly placed arm. It was facing the wrong direction. The other three, who brought him up to the castle, held the man down as they tried getting water out of his mouth. The soldiers must have flooded the ground outside, so they would have access to water if something were to happen.

“We found him hiding in one of the homes on the outskirts,” one of the soldiers said while struggling to hold the man down.

Ambrose walked closer and paused in front of the man’s eyes. They were large, with the most striking green color I have seen in a decade.

A Viterran? I hadn’t seen one since the last execution almost a whole decade ago. But I could never forget those deep green eyes. They reminded me of that night.

“State your reason for being here,” Ambrose said in a harsh tone.

“I live here,” the man growled.

Ambrose wrinkled his eyebrows. To him, and everyone present, hearing a Viterran live in Aritehl was unheard of after their exile.

“You are aware of the banishment?” Ambrose inquired, trying to make sense of the situation.

The man replied with a glare as continued to spew water out of his nose and mouth. Being sensible man he was, Ambrose didn’t push forward with the questioning. A Viterran wasn’t someone worth reasoning with.

“The people he stayed with, where are they now?” he asked the soldiers.

“We have some other soldiers looking after them back where we found him,” one of them replied.

Ambrose nodded to himself and gave the Viterran a look.

“This man probably wants to be reunited with his family. Bring them in.”

The man’s eyes flared up and he started to resist the soldiers more. I fought the urge to cover my ears. The shouting was unbearable. I shifted my gaze towards Ambrose. If what they were swaying was true, does it mean the other people were Ariteians?

“Sir, two of them are children...” The same soldier said, with a concerned tone in his voice. The soldier gave a quick glance at me. I knew how he felt.

Ambrose froze. His chest raised up and down in a static motion, and like the soldier, he gave me the same concerned look. He then looked at the King as if awaiting his opinion. The King didn’t do anything, and I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. His face was as stern and cold as before. Eventually, he nodded. I could hear a guest behind me whisper in disbelief. I looked at them and squinted to see their faces—see if anyone was going to say something. But all I could see was disgust. No compassion, no pity… Only disgust.

A lump went down Ambrose’s throat and at first, he stood there, looking at the flooded ground.
And then, closing his eyes, he said, “bring them all in.”

My mouth started to tremble, my eyes widened in shock. I wanted to protest. I desperately looked at my brother. If there was anyone people would listen to other than the King, it was him. But he didn’t do anything. He stood with clenched fists, looking at the Viterran. I didn’t care for the Viterran—for what we knew he could’ve been lying, using the poor family for his own needs. Then, the Viterran omitted an even louder growl, which made me jump. No matter how much I tried to twist the truth, a man who used other people wouldn’t be in such distress when he learned they would meet the same fate as him. They were definitely his family.

People started to file back inside. The drama had been settled. Leia started to lead me inside, but I kept my head turned towards the scene, keeping an eye on Xenon and the King. I could just about catch glimpse the Viterran man. And that’s when he spoke up.

“Damn you and your family!” the man shouted in no direction in particular. “You have done nothing but bring your people misery and poverty! To hell to all of you! To hell with—“

Silence fell. The water started to have a darker hue and the moonlight reflected the red light. The water crept up to my feet and I could feel how my whole body begin to shake. How I hoped that it wasn’t true. As much as I despised them, seeing another limp body made me want to throw up. I never wanted to see another dead person, but here I was, standing a few meters away from a fresh kill. Pierced by the very waters that protect the city.

“Who did this?!” Ambrose shouted at the soldiers, but the soldiers were just as shocked as we were. Only one person wasn’t.

Ambrose slowly turned his head to the King once again. I followed as well, noticing the ground around the King’s feet. It was soaking wet.

“Your Highness?” Ambrose said in disbelief.

Before I could hear an answer from him, Xenon quickly turned and walked towards me. He laid a light hand on my back and looked at Leia.

“Take her to her room.” He said and kneeled next to me, not caring if his white garments got soaked with the blood infused water. He put a hand on my cheek and whispered, “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

As he was saying it, the King turned his look from the man to us. The blue light from the night sky fell upon his face, while his eyes caught the red hue of the water. With widened eyes, I looked him straight into his.

Cold.

I noticed as I progressed in the story, the mistakes became less and less prevalent. I did have to google a lot of words, but they primarily were just variations in the English dialect. The story itself fascinated me. The character building was extremely strong, and the world building was good as well.

A lot of the edits I made were personal preferences rather than grammatical mistakes. Whether it was to make the sentences more concise, or to clarify certain ambiguities, these issues were how I approached the situation. That being said, feel free to read and compare between the two. This is your work, so edit mine's to your heart's desire. I'm not a perfect writer myself, so it's expected that I made some errors along the way as well. Your opinion and other writers' in the community is equally valuable as my own.

You left us off at a cliffhanger, and I honestly can't wait to read more. The story is very engaging. I'm especially interested to hear more about Thalia (whom, I predict, was killed by the Viterrans, which incited the King's hatred towards them). And, as always, feel free to ask for my help.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2017, 12:24:22 PM by S8N »
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S8N

Offline MusicFreak8800

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Re: The Moon
« Reply #13 on: July 19, 2017, 07:20:26 AM »
S8N:
Wow, it's so much more fluent now!! Thank you so, so much for taking your time to write this!!!! :biggrin: I can really see what I could do to improve my writing and make the story more readable! Thank you so much again!!! It means so much to me!!!

Offline S8N

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Re: The Moon
« Reply #14 on: July 19, 2017, 12:24:49 PM »
S8N:
Wow, it's so much more fluent now!! Thank you so, so much for taking your time to write this!!!! :biggrin: I can really see what I could do to improve my writing and make the story more readable! Thank you so much again!!! It means so much to me!!!
Anytime.
~~~
S8N