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Author Topic: Too much for PM  (Read 2645 times)

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Offline Bito916

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Too much for PM
« on: July 13, 2016, 01:21:18 PM »
Hello! I have Chapters I wanted to share but could fit in messages haha so I hope its cool I post chapters on this thread.

Chapter 1
Spoiler
Rocks fly through the air and crack on the stone floor as a boy with spiked white hair frantically digs through a pile of stones. Fires crackled outside and the smoke scented air carried red embers, houses were crumbling as time passed and the boy labored.
“Please Bito,” the boy cries desperately, “ don't die damn it!” The final stone is thrown and shatters on the floor behind him, “We have to run before they come back!” The boy pulls on a boy trapped under the rubble, he is wearing a gas mask with a filter on each side, around each one purple symbols swirled around as white dressed boy reached towards his brother. Bito had blood pouring out of his head and his breathing was slowing down, he was not responding as his brother shook him.
 “What is that?”  As the white haired boy reached towards the mask’s glow intensified, he touched it and shouted reflexively out of pain.
His scream was one of many that filled the air, some were crying for help, others were calling out names, some parents could be seen guiding children and fighting off giant armored Salamanders.
 Their brown-red skin blended in with the dark red armor crested with yellow and red gems, they had helmets that revealed Black eyes, two flat nostril holes and sharp yellow teeth. Extending hands out, ice shot out from a dark-skinned mothers and pierced the invaders breast plate, falling down the corpse kicked up a cloud of a dust. The other soldiers pressed on a slashed at the parents, some of them producing flames that trailed behind their sword with each swing. The woman who had shot out was now being pinned down as she distracted danger away from her children, running down a street  one of the Salamander held a staff up and flung a dense ball of fire. It exploded on a building and blocked her escape, yards away.
She turned and began fighting once more, slashing back with icy blue claws she had produced, she fought back and killed many warriors but was being outnumbered and was growing tired. As she shot out her final icicle she huffed but refused to fall; from behind the stone barricade powerful winds lifted and pushed the giant stones over the woman's head, and Thick clouds followed a light skinned man as he dashed towards soldiers and began grappling with them, he moved rapidly out of the way of sharp swings and pushed his enemy away remarkably as he punched them. The clouds cracked every time he shouted as he fought, the small army stood united and pulled back their swords in unison. The man looked around and was trapped, he steadied his stance as he stared down the mob. The circle roared and a ring of fire sped towards the man, leading with his left arm he pushed up, heaving, and the flames spiraled above him towards the air.
The woman from before stood on top of a tall broken home and pulled her glowing blue hands down as she yelled out, “ Aufero Aridus!” Large patches of sharp ice rained down on all of the brawlers, endlessly the ice pierced everything it touched upon reaching the ground.
This was one of the fights that had broken out but from inside the simple stone home the conscious boy was angrily cursing at his brother, “Damn it Bito! You’re always giving up like this, why the hell do you have to be so damn powerless?” He had gathered rags to press against his brothers wound, but the rags quickly soaked and dripped on his hands.
The front door kicked in and a small figure blocked the light coming from flames outside, the brother shot around and pointed a handgun at the figure with one hand while holding his brother with the other “Get away! If you touch my brother I’ll *censored*ing kill you!” The child’s hand trembled as the person stepped closer, bright beams shot out from his fingertip towards the stranger but missed every time.
The pale hand slowly pulled out a knife and stepped even closer, the boy frighteningly shot and began glowing brightly. The knife was pressed against a pale arm and a green light burst out, blinding the white haired child.

10 years later

"Hey kid you can't sleep here." A warm voice rang, " Woah are you ok?" The voice asked concerned. 
Green tinted light shone through the sockets of a mask that clearly had its fair share of the elements. The boy sat up to look at the source of the gentle sound. It was an average sized dirty looking man. He had frayed hair, dirty hands, and a small basket on his back.
"Glad you're not dead but I can't have you sleeping here," the man stated, " Are you alright? Do you need help home.
The boy sat silently looking up at the man, then shook his head slowly. The silence in the air was broken by chirping of nearby birds on decrepit buildings. They looked as if they'd been scorched and were in shambles. Stray dogs chased cats in and out of the building's, and teenagers shifted through the broken homes.

"Im sorry to hear that kid" the man sighed sympathetically, "My names Tyrael and as hard as it is to believe this broken building is my home!" he smiled extending his arms to gesture towards the crumbled structure they were in front of . He then stretched one arm down towards the boy, "Sorry whats your name?" He asked joyfully grasping an extended hand.
"Bito" the boy stated quietly.
"Don't really talk much huh?" Tyrael laughed pulling Bito up to stand, "well Bito I have nothing against children" he ironically brushed off dirt that Bito had on his torn and tattered clothes, "Hell I have three myself!" He bellowed happily tussling the mid-teens crazy hair.
Bito stood silently.
"Sorry I can get carried away sometimes..." the older man apologized embarrassed, " anyways I was saying I can't have you hanging out here because my family stays here, " Tyrael explained, "Im sure you can understand me trying to keep my family from danger."
Bito nodded and adjusted his mask and bag made from branches. The branches and vines wove in and out of Bito's oversized clothing making it seem as if the bag was part of his outfit. He turned and began to walk away from the cluster of broken buildings when the man put his hand on his shoulder.
Bito tensed slightly quickly grasping the mans wrist.
" Ow kid take it easy!" Tyrael shouted in pain.
Bito instantly realized what he was doing and released the man. He quickly began his trek again before the man called out to him.
"Dammit kid here!" Tyrael reached into his basket and pulled out two shiny red apples, "catch!" He threw both swiftly at the boy who caught them reflexively.
Bito looked at the apples surface, he saw a gas mask topped with a full head of shoulder length black hair. A hood shrouded the mask and hair hiding any more details that could have been gleaned. He put the apples away into his back and turned to leave once more.
"You're not my brat but you're still the future of this village so don't die." Tyrael sounded more serious,”Dont be so damn reckless anymore,” Surprised by the sudden change of tone Bito swung around but Tyrael was gone.

Bito walked out of a side street into a main dirt road, many adolescents filled the street. Some were merchants and advertised in front their stores, shouting out prices or approaching shoppers with deals. Bito walked down the market past persistent shop owners, walking aimlessly. Bito walked by the shops looking at the various weapons, armors, and jewelry; all the shop owners only glared as he walked by, in fact everybody who noticed Bito began to watch him closely.
The boy kept walking past everybody, his darker clothing  contrasting against their white or tanning cloths. The sun overhead meant Bito should have been overheating with his outfit but he seemed perfectly fine, he was a little warm but did not complain.

 


"Thief!" Yelled a voice from behind.
Bito didnt even have time to turn around before he was knocked over by a gray figure holding a basket.
"Move dammit! Cant you see that dirty runt is getting away?!" An old man barked at Bito as he lay on the ground confused," If that brat gets away I'm blaming you!"
 The man kicked Bito and continued to chase the thief, he flailed his club in the air in frustration, "If you wanna actually be useful for once why dont you help me catch the punk?!"
 Bito owed the man nothing, but he was intrigued by this particular thief. Standing up he brushed himself off quickly before ducking into an alley behind the man. He grabbed a ledge and pushed off to a higher rooftop. Pulling himself up he spotted the hooded bandit running with a bundle of apples in a woven basket. He jumped over gaps and balanced on beams connecting the buildings, he saw a group of people surrounding a fire a few houses away and stopped.

There were three huts, each circling around the fire, men in red and orange clothing conversed with each other before other men dressed in black jumped up from the floor and landed on solid ground. They had black clothes and were holding carcasses of green rabbits, Bito ducked behind a corner when he saw one of the men in dark clothes pull out a long dagger; he slid it against the rabbits hide so quickly a cloud of hairs rained around it. He triumphantly held the skinned rabbit up to one of the other men, he was dressed in red clothes and had a bulkier build. He grabbed the animal as his hands lit up red, Bito's mask began glowing dimly, his symbols spun around his filters. One of the men in black looked over in Bito's direction alarming the other men, the others reached for swords and daggers before being called off.

Bito was to far away to hear anything but could see the man giving the other orders before stepping into one of the huts produced from planks of wood. The dark men skinned rabbits and handed it to the other group, they cooked the meat in their hands and handed it back. The meat was taken into a different hut and the red men continued talking.

Bito did not spot the grey thief and decided to sneak past the men, he dropped down back to the street and walked into the moving crowd. Walking past the building the men were on top of he saw it was a store that seemed to sell customized weapons, teenagers and kid walked in and out of it; excited to either have a new sword,,shield, or other weapon that reflected their personality, or looking forward to get a new one.


The sun was setting; The orange glow cast long shadows beneath the broken buildings making it hard for Bito to see. He sighed in disappointment,  his opportunity to catch up to the mysterious person was fading along with the sunlight. But something caught his attention. In the distance he could hear familiar scolding. Inspecting the dirty landscape closer he saw somebody running. It was the old man who had battered Bito, he was still lingering close behind. He saw another person easily weaving through the buildings and fallen structures keeping a steady pace.
Immediately Bito ran towards the two. All he had to do was catch the, most likely, tired thief; Indeed Bito made it a mission to catch up. His feet and legs wanted to give up on him but the fiery spirit inside of him wouldnt let him give up. He was so close to catching it. He was so close to grasping the ever escaping chance that always slipped through of his fingers.
The old man was obviously out of shape,he was panting like a dog. He wheezed as he bent over to gasp for air. The old dirty long spiked club in his hand was the only thing keeping the man from falling over. Step by step he grew weaker, legs trembling and sweat pooring from his face.
"You again?!" Yelled the man, "*censored*....listen you dirty mutt im tired...." the man stopped and caught his breath,"Lets make a deal. You catch that punk ill forgive you for being such a worthless piece of garbage. Deal?" The man grinned.
Bito didnt even acknowledge that his curiosity was just way too peaked.
"You know you idiot it be easier to catch that maniac without that mask on."The sweaty man reached for Bitos mask with trembling hands.
Instinctively Bito twisted his hand and snatch the club out of his other hand. He kicked the man's legs out and watch him fall to the floor. Standing on top of him one foot on his chest he pointed the club towards the mans face. The man didnt even realize what was going on until he was already on the dirt street. He lay struggling to breath with the added weight on his torso.
".....Dont touch the mask....." Bito whispered dropping the club on the man. Turning around he ran into an alley realizing he was wasting precious time.



He looked down at the person from rooftops as they ran in the street, he looked and finally saw what they were running towards. A green forest, the sun dipping behind the thick trees, shadows reached and pushed the sunlight away as they wrapped around buildings. He saw a crowd walk around a corner, right before the forest, causing the thief to duck into the first alley they came across.  Bito leaped over the large gap in between the buildings, he reached towards the edge and saw it was out of reach. He looked down and was surprised to see how far away the ground was. His heart pounded and blurred his vision. He glared at the edge before he shut his eyes, he felt stone underneath his fingers and then opened his eyes. He quickly pulled himself up, and watched the wave of shadows continue spreading. He turned and saw the person run towards a corner that would lead to a wall. Bito waited until the person turned the corner before dropping down into the alley, his prey was unaware of the wall hidden by shadows in the distance.


Spinning around the grey hood had realized she was trapped, like a cornered rat it backed until the wall pushed against them. Bito slowly walked towards the person, he was so intrigued and his prey was within sight. Instinct kicked in and like a cornered beast, the person fought back; pushing Bito they managed to surprise him, yet was yanked back as Bito grabbed the hood. The person fell on on Bito and caused both of them  to fall on the cold floor.


A dark red river of silky hair rolled through Bito's hands as they tumbled, the small amount of light revealed the crimson silk and pale skin. Bito turned to look down the alley and saw a group of light approaching the corner. He looked up to see a full moon  and how it was lighting up the alley, he looked at the girl in amazement. Her skin bounced the moonlight and stood out in the dark, assisted by her glowing hair.


"You're a girl..." Was all Bito could say, he was so taken aback, unable to think.
She stared back at him blushing wildly, her brown eyes rounded in fear. She whimpered yet failed to form any words. Terrified she struggled to escape from his grasp, she only stopped when she heard a voice boom orders.

"Get that damn thief!” The old commanded, “I’m tired of these demons running around stealing from us,” the crowd cheered in agreement and barreled towards the corner towards, the two hidden in the darkness.
He pulled back as the girl fought him, he watched as they turned the corner. A small group approached the end of the alley, they marched inspecting everything they could.
“Please they’ll kill me!” The girl pleaded as she fought against Bito, but he would not let up, he did not let go. She had committed a crime, Bito had been instilled with the idea that crime must be punished, this is what he thought justice was.

Chapter 2
Spoiler
“You dont understand! Please just help me escape!” She cried tugging away from Bito, “Please Bito, save me.”


The moment he heard her say his name He ripped off his mask and gasped, the air stung his lungs and eyes; he began coughing allowing the girl to slip from his grasp. She stared at him as he held the dangling mask, he regained himself and quickly strapped it onto her face. She resisted at first, but feeling his arm wrap around her didn’t seem to bother her, in fact she relaxed, even when Bito tugged her jacket off. A tight, black, short sleeve shirt contrast against her pale skin on her thin arms, but it was not as flawless as her face, scars ran up and down the length of her limbs. Some were fresh and were still healing while others were now fading marks on her skin. 

"It’s right there!" The crowd began closing in on the just as Bito finished pulling the jacket over his head.
"Hide.." Bito whispered pushing her into a corner. He put on the gray torn jacket and threw on the hood. He walked towards the crowd, “Promise me you won’t interfere, " He beckoned the masked girl. She silently nodded in agreement and tucked herself away.

The crowd struck Bito down repeatedly, the picked him up and threw him down as they tormented him.
“We have families to feed you damn thing!” A young man cried out, tears in his eyes rolled off as he kicked Bito.
“Don't bother, beast like you wouldn’t know anything about families would you?” Another male slashed at Bito, blood dripped and soaked the grey jacket, yet Bito would not give up. He spat blood out and was picked up by a large boy. The man who Bito had helped was now staring at Bito, his bloodied hair covered his face so the man yanked it back and stared at his eyes. Bito’s eyes slit as he glared back angrily.

“What is this thing?” The old man questioned inspecting his eyes and fangs as Bito resisted violently. “Take him, the Erlking will want to see this.”
The Crimson haired girl heard this and jumped out from her hiding spot, “Leave him alone,” the girl reached towards the crowd and various vines burst out of the dirt, they were incredibly thick and had dark green thorns, the men fought back and began hacking the vines but more were spawned and began grabbing men and throwing them. Bito’s vision closed in and his breathing became labored, he watched men slash at the thick vines and drop dead before the tunnel closed in.

The void enveloped Bito, he couldn't see anything. He tried moving but only.got the always friendly rattling of.chains in response. He took a long deep breath, which was a terrible idea, the air was so stale and dead it almost seemed like he coughed out more dirt than air. He began to panic. His mask...where was his mask?! He struggled trying to escape the cold grip of the chains and darkness.

"One thing ill never understand is your species need to struggle...." a chilling voice chuckled from the shadows.
Bito stopped. It had to have been his imagination. He peered into the darkness. All there was there was two red dots. He stared at the dots confused. Then they did something. They blinked.
Bito jumped and the voice laughed. Bitos heart pounded, his thoughts raced, every single.fiber in his body was telling him to fight. He needed to fight.  He writhered and yanked at the.bonds that tied him to the darkness. He twisted and yelled in an attempt to break free.
The dark voice bellowed, "Although it's quite entertaining, You should problaly stop before-"
A loud crack echoed in the oblivion of nothingness. Bitos scream followed soon after. The two.sounds bounced off the walls.of.darkness chasing each other back into Bitos head, shaking in his.ears until all there was left was a ringing.
Bito fell to the freezing dank floor. Crippled by the pains in his broken shoulders. Blood trickled down his chest and made ripples in the sea of darkness he was standing on. Then he did something he hadn't done in a long time. He began to cry.

He needed to find her. He needed to make sure she was safe. They were chasing her. Theyd kill her....
"You should be worrying more about yourself kid"  laughed voice "That little red head got you killed anyways" 
Bito was immediately filled with rage, "She saved me!" Bito yanked at chains towards the shadow infront him. His body yelled at him to stop, but the burning fury overpowered all the crackling and snapping that rang from his body.
The voice boomed and evil laugh, "Can you kill death itself?"
The young captive stopped struggling for a moment.
"Got me killed...?" Bito muttered.
"Just where do you think you are?" Hissed the voice.
"Who.....?" Bito began but the words wouldn't leave his mouth. As if they were afraid to leave the safe sanctuary that kept them away from this...thing. This vile creature that seemed to be all around him. A dark mist swirled around Bito. Circling the bonds that restrained Bito, moving down the rusted bloody chains and wrapping around Bitos blood spattered neck. He could feel the life being choked out of him as the shadow moved into his mouth and poured out of his nostrils.
"Out of all things you want that...?" The deadly mist manifested itself into an obsidian black shadow with two piercing rubies for eyes. Although it was black all around, this shadow was blacker. It was darker than black, it had shadows swirling inside of it distorting its shape so it was never one solid figure.
"What the hell do you want?!" Begged Bito.
"To give you what your heart most desires of course,"responded the voice.
Bito hung motionless. What did his heart most desire? Happiness?
"You really don't know do you?" The shadow interrupted Bitos thoughts.
He hadn't noticed before, how didn't he notice before? This thing could listen in on Bitos thoughts.
"Correct. I am an omniscient being here, this is my domain, I rule this dimension." The shadow began wishing and circling Bito, "I can be anything or anybody," the shadow stated, "I can be anybody" The shadow began to glow dimly morphing into a female.

*****An incredibly attractive woman, she had large breasts and dark red lips. He dark black hair rolled down the back of  her red dress down past her ass. She laughed a sexy chuckle. She appeared infront of Bito, "C'mon boy, you don't find me attractive?" P the woman into his ear,touching his chest slowly sliding her hand down his chest.
Bito hung motionless. Looking down not wanting to make eye contact with this succubus. She wasn't real. She was as fake as the hope that's been snatched away from Bito countless times.
The seductive woman noticed she was getting no response, her face twisted into a disgusting frown. She paused as if thinking. The her Face lit up and created a creepy long smile with her glossy red lips. *****

"I know..." she laughed fading away.
Bito watched as the petite form began to shape and stain different colors, the jacket Bito had borrowed was becoming grey, her hair rolled down barely reaching and touching her hips. Pale skin and pink lips,"Bito...." a soothing voice whispered.


It was her, Infront of him was the girl in the hood. She shed the gray jacket to dawn a new dress. It cut off at the knees. Exposing her smooth pale skin. Bito reacted At the site of her. He jumped towards her being pulled back by the rattling chains. He tugged at them violently trying to escape their cold grasp.
With one final pull he finally got a response. Two chilling cracks. Immediately Bito dropped down unable to move his arms.
"Now you've done it...." laughed the girl in front of him.
His arms had given up on him. They weren't capable of movement anymore. Bito looked up horrified, this wasn't her. This couldn't be her, the aura radiating from her wasn't calming and warm. It was cold and had a feeling of death.
Bito screamed. He screamed until his throat was burning. His screaming finally stopped when he collapsed to the pure black floor. He lay face down, shivering and sobbing.
"Why do you care more about her?" Asked the demon,"Is she really that important to you?"
Bito just lay I'm a pool of his own blood. He must have ripped the skin on his upper arms off, he could feel the flesh barely keeping his shoulders attached to his torso. He had a terrified look on his face as he gasped for air. The steady up and down of his chest danced with the chains In sync with the rattling that echoed In the endless pit.
"....what do you want...?" Bito finally managed to spit out.
The beautiful girls face twisted to an evil grin, "To help you realize your potential, my son.”
 The demon vanished in a black mist again. Bito lay wondering what he meant. He felt something lift his body from behind. He turned and saw another woman. She had short dark brown hair, warm brown eyes, and a cheerful smile. He pearly white teeth shined even more surrounded by the endless sea of black. Her pure white gown draped down to her feet. She had Burn marks up and down her arms. Those marks were the imperfection on her smooth dark skin.
"You wish you could protect her..." whispered the woman into his ear, "you know you're weak"
Bito stared forward frozen. Petrified.
"I can make all your wishes come true my son....." the voice wished, "...for a price" the woman laughed pushing Bito down.
"...." Bito lay silent, "No" Bito stated stone faced. He managed to use his legs to push his body of the ground. He knelt facing down at the pool of blood that lay At his feet. He stared at the face that looked back at him. His face. It was covered in scars and bruises. The two shiny purple eye lids stood out the most. His nose crooked and teeth broken. The cuts on his face still spat out blood at an incredible rate. The pool grew bigger and bigger around him.
Slowly the black sea was being taken over by the red liquid. The red pool invaded the black swamp. The black mist that swirled up from the swamp retreated back, quicker and quicker the pool spread until finally it was no longer a sea of black that Bito knelt In,but rather an ocean of red.
"Come now son..." the warm voice said once more, "Who will protect her?" The voice taunted. Walking away from Bito. Two children were now holding her hands. One of them looked familiar, he had black hair and shiny eyes and was wearing a long white robe. It was Bito. The other had white hair, and white eyes. His lips were black and he wore a black robe. Bito didn't recognize this boy.
"I will protect her, I want to protect her!” Bito began to yell.
"What if I kill her?!" The woman flew towards Bito. Her once beautiful face was now a charred mess. Her shiny black hair had died and frizzed with streaks of white, "You'll Kill me?!" The woman's laugh was more a shriek than anything. That evil cackle echoed shaking the peaceful ocean of red water causing waves to splash up. The water roared around him. Huge creatures reached out from below the surface of the barely clear red stained water. From below he could sea people trying to escape only to be dragged back by huge tentacles or be clamped on by the massive jaws of what resembled sharks but more humanoid. As if someone had been twisted and mutilated to look like shark. Instead of fins they had huge arms with webbed hands. At the end of the finger tips were long black sharp claws. These claws were used to rip out the throats of a lot of the people trying to escape. Two "sharks" tugged at the hands and feet of a man. The man screamed muffled by the surrounding water a stream of bubbles jetted out of his mouth. He was torn in half and quickly devoured by the two demons who turn their attention to Bito. Bito turned to look forward and saw a wave begin to form in the distance. It was small at first, but it began to grow bigger as it rolled towards Bito. Bito shut his eyes the moment before it was supposed to crash on him. He expected the wave to wash him away but instead it fell silent.
"You shouldn't worry about me hurting her," the chilling cold  voice from before echoed in his head,"a soul and will that pure and good has no place in my kingdom," the voice almost sounded disgusted at the thought, "No. You should be worrying about what they'll do"
Swinging his eyes open the tortured soul saw the two boys from before. They stood motionless staring at him.
The boy in white. He felt so familiar, yet he looked so sad.
The boy in black. It was clearly Bito, but He looked so happy.
The two traded stares, and then switched expressions. The boy in white smiled as he began to.shine he morphed into the girl with red hair. She stood frozen expressionless.
The boy in black frowned as he began to turn black. He split into more shadows. They began to grow and stretch into tall built ment holding swords and maces. Surrounding the girl they had bloodthirsty looks In their eyes. They were intent on killing the girl.
Bito shut his eyes and shook his head. It was all lies. It was all fake. This demon was tricking him again. He had to be.
"Look you little *censored*!" The woman shriek in his ear yanking his head up by the hair. His eyes were peeled open and he was forced to witness the scene unfold.
The men moved from their frozen positions. And began.to.yell. They  charged towards the girl. The girl simply yelled. What more could she do? These men encircled her and raised their weapons.
"No!" Bito yanked forward once again this time ripping his arms off his body. He ran towards the group of men. He could save her, he could protect her.
Chains shot out from the water And looped around his shoulders Pulling him down. They chained his legs and neck down. Bito struggled furiously to try to.free himself, But it was useless, he was prisoner once again. "You can stop it!" Yelled the woman, "you can save her!" The men were holding the girl. One man pulled his sword back ready to thrust it into the girl's stomach.
"Don't you love her?!" The woman pressed, "Don't you wish you had the power to save her and keep her alive?!"
"Yes!" Bito bellowed struggling.
"Will you trade your life for hers?!" The woman boomed.
"Yes!" Bito shouted crying.
"Deal." The woman smirked.
Bitos gas mask shot out of the water and onto his face. It burned into his skin hissing. Bito withered in pain yelling Pulling side to side. The mask shone a purple light from the eyes. Bitos voice began to become deeper and beast-like. His hands cracked as They expanded and grew sharp black claws. With one final roar the chains ripped off his body. His body shone and eventually exploding into a blast of purple light and a deafening  roar echoed throughout the red landscape.
"This is your fate my son..."

Chapter 3
Spoiler
Bito woke up to a cold salty breeze on his face and the sound of waves crashing against the shore far below cliffs. It was nighttime. The stars and moon let him know the sun had given up its reign of the sky to the nocturnal kingdom once again. They were incredible, they were so clear and visible tonight.
His mask.
Where the hell was his mask? He sat up frantically. Feeling around, but he couldn't find it. He touched his face curiously and slowly he was almost scared of what he would discover. It was just his face, but with some bandages on it. Bito realized he didn't even know where he was, he knew he had to be somewhere near the sea. Then he looked left and he saw someone. It almost made him jump.
He saw the girl.
She was standing right bellow the full moon. Holding the graying gas mask in her hand down by her waist. The girl was staring at the moon as if it was hypnotic, she was locked in a trance her eyes never leaving the surface of the pale celestial body.
"You shouldn't move around."She stated unexpectedly.
Bito did jump at that. She looked so mesmerized  he wasnt respecting her to say that So boldly.
He heard a slight rip coming out of his side followed by a sharp pain.
"*censored*ing hell man!" Bito yelled. He rolled around in pain.
"You're just making it worse idiot.." The girl said turning slightly to look at him.
Bito stopped when he remembered.
"What's your name?" Bito demanded.
Now the girl was drawn back. She stared at the bandaged boy.
"Why would you care about that?" Asked the girl.
"Hey you owe that to me!" Bito stood up but quickly fell back down yelling from pain.
"You're so pathetic..." the girl whispered with a smile rushing to his side.”For now,”  She held Bito as she cut the soaked  bandages, Bito just stared at her. She seemed so serious and focused yet she was still relaxing. He felt so safe and comfortable with her. Bito stared At the girl and smiled.
He shook his head because he remembered something else. He saw the mask. Where was it? He had to make sure she didn't put it on. He saw it by the mysterious girls side. He just needed to reach out and grab it.
"I told you not to move idiot!" Yelled the girl, "you just ripped more!" She pinned Bito down using her arms and legs.
"Don't put on the mask! Give it to me!" Bito thrashed but unable to throw the girl off in his weakened state.
"God you're stubborn..."the girl smiled. She leaned in and stared at Bito. Bito blushed at the sight of the girl inches from his face. She looked so amazing in the moonlight.
The girl leaned in and kissed Bito. Bito couldn't Even react, he lay enjoying the moment. Bito swallowed from being nervous and felt something small and hard slide down his throat, "What the *censored* are you doing?!" Bito yelled pushing the girl away.
The girl jumped on top of Bito once again laughing, "that was to put your stubborn butt to sleep again!"
Bito began to become slower and started slurring as he spoke, "no...the mask....I gotta....." he began dozing off.
"You have to sleep my Hero,” Koi whispered sweetly,
"No...I have to.....must protect her....."Bito was so weak he was barely moving anymore. It was obvious he was knocked out now.
The girl was surprised to hear Bito say those three words. She didn't know how to react at first but then....she smiled. She turned red and began to giggle, "Perhaps tomorrow then, tonight you need to rest up.”
"What's your name.....?" Bito managed to murmur weakly.
The girl jumped. She inspected  Bito again. He had to have been asleep there's no way he was still awake. She looked at him for several moments before confirming he was passed out. She laughed whenever Bito twitched as he slept peacefully. She carefully lay Bitos head down and stood up looking down at him. She once again knelt down by Bitos side.
"My name is Koi..." she murmured sweetly into a quietly snoring  Bitos ear. She lay down on top of Bito resting her head on his chest. He twitched, she giggled.
"....and I think we are destined to be together." Koi whispered into Bitos ear kissing his cheek. Koi giggled as she dug her face into Bitos neck and kissed it. Bito must have subconsciously felt this because he smiled. The two peacefully lay in the field above the ocean. The moon shone on both of them as they happily drifted off into sleep together. The two smiled as their breathing began to sync. And eventually they were both in a deep sleep. Yes it was true.....Koi and Bito were happy.

Chapter 4
Spoiler

Awaking, Bito groaned with haze from whatever Koi had slipped him last night, he squinted at the sunlight that assaulted his eyes. "My name is Bito...." Bito whispered to himself quietly recounting the events that unfolded just before he passed out. Pulling himself to his feet Bito collected his thoughts and looked around. He knew his face was exposed but right now he was wondering where his savior was. "Why does she keep taking my mask dammit..." He muttered angrily feeling his exposed face. He had bandages covering his cheeks. But he was also clean. His clothes had been patched up and even his hair seemed combed and washed. Bito blushed furiously when he realized Koi had taken the liberty of bathing him, he tussled his hair in an attempt to rebel against his new clean state.
"Were destined to be together," a soft voice echoed in his mind. Bito stopped and reflected on those words. "Destined?" Bito whispered joyfully.
It was strange for Bito to be feeling as he did. He had an incredible drive to do anything and was excited thinking about what he could do or see today. Looking around he saw a nearby tree with his mask dangling from a branch.
Bito approached the edge of dim lit forest and reached into the tree untangling his mask. His stomach growled and his mouth watered intensely;kneeling down Bito drained his stomachs contents on the leaf covered forest floor. Heaving heavily his stomach was unable to produce anymore and Bito was left spitting and coughing.
Slowly pulling himself up Bito hesitated putting his mask on for a moment out of fear. Staring at it he could feel himself getting lost, maddening whispers echoed louder and louder the longer he looked at the cursed object.
A slight snap interrupted Bito's  concentration;looking around nervously he noticed a small rabbit peeking its head into a basket sitting at the base of the tree his mask was dangling from. Bito approached the basket and the rabbit scurried away into a nearby bush. Taking the cloth covering the cargo shiny red apples we revealed along with a note written in a sophisticated and educated font. Bito struggled at first turning his head as read the complicated loops.
"Dear Bito,
That drug I had to give you last night might make you wrench your insides so be sure to do that before you eat these," the letter began.
Bito sighed at the apples muttering to himself, "Thanks for the heads up..."
He continued reading the letter, " I hope you're feeling better try eating these slowly. Ps. Don't give any away they are specially made for you!"
Bito squinted at the last line, "Don't tell me what to do..." He muttered snapping an apple in half. He looked around and spotted a fur ball trembling in the bushes.
"Hey its ok here," Bito approached the rabbit cautiously, "I don't think I would have found these without you so take it!" Bito extended half of the apple to the rabbit, who stared at Bito from her shrubbery of protection. "Cmon take it its just an apple." Bito chuckled.
The rabbit hopped hesitantly towards the fruit, sniffing intently the rabbit approved the snack and began to nibble happily.
Bito pet the animal gently before loading the rest of the apples into his bag. "She even fixed my bag..." Bito smiled. He bit into his half of the apple and began walking into the dim forest. Crunching leaves were carried by the wind, Bito munched on his snack as he looked at the tall trees around him. The sun peered through the trees letting beams of golden sunlight reach for the floor. He could hear animals chasing each other and even spotted a fox exploring his surroundings. "Where am I?" Bito asked the trees; finishing his apple he jumped and climbed a nearby tree. He thought he knew the area around his village but this forest was foreign to him. Reaching the crown of the tree he gleaned details on his location. He saw an ocean to the south , mountains north, he was at the edge of a large forest that extended east towards the ocean, finally looking west he saw a familiar desert and his village not very far from where he was perched.
"Did she really carry me all the way here....?" Bito pondered out loud, before being startled.
“Yes she did,” a small voice echoed.
Bito looked around and saw a small fox looking at him curiously, “Did you say that?”
“Perhaps!” The fox ran into the forest, Bito swiftly followed after it. He was compelled to find out what the fox was leading him to, it could be dangerous but the curiosity was unbearable.
“Bito!!” The fox jumped at Bito and growled happily, running in circled it played with Bito in a small clearing. Bito would chase it whenever it would come out from the bushes, preparing to dash once again, “Are you really her SoulMate? You’re so much fun I hope you are!”
“A SoulMate?” Bito stopped slowly and asked catching his breath.
“There's been tons of definitions while I’ve been alive but basically you and her have the potential for incredible things when you're close.” The fox laughed as it rolled in leaves.
“Close to who?” Bito asked eagerly.
“Koi of course!” The fox stopped and looked into the forest, “Bito I gotta go! Red Caps!”
“Red Caps…” Bito was alarmed by the foxes tone and tensed up in anticipation.
The bushes shook in front of Bito, yet a small imp jumped out at him from the trees. Bito spun around and punched the round monster, it shook its face and shrieked at him before scurrying off. Bito was attacked by multiple Red Caps this time, they lunged at him and began swiftly pummeling him with small fist.
Bito could feel his body begin to toughen slowly, his arms and legs began to swell. But he punched and he lost all the energy he had, he would gain more only to lose all of it whenever he retaliated.
“You’re using too much energy,” the squeaky fox corrected, “ Just block their attacks for now,” it peaked its head over a bush to examine Bito fight off the invaders.
Bito would duck, or catch blows, every time he chose to absorb them a purple pulse lit up. With this Bito now stood a chance, every hit he absorbed caused him to feel sturdier and heavier. He could feel his fists wanting to explode, but resisted the urge to punch.
“Now hit one of them!” The fox jumped out of the bushes and stood tall next to Bito, the boy wound up his dim purple arm and released a punch with all his might. It sent purple shockwaves out, but the Red Cap was sent flying into the trees; eventually crashing into one. The other two scurried off into the woods after their friend and did not return to test the power of Bito again.
“What was that?” Bito stood looking at his sore arm, it twitched and trembled slightly.
“That’s you being a shadow! How can you not know that?” The fox sniffed in the direction of the Red Caps, “They Are definitely gone after that display!”
“But how did I do that?” Bito rubbed his forearm.
“You absorb the energy behind their attacks, Shadows have the ability to convert many types of energy into Mana, Chi, or Chakra.” The fox look up and flicked its tail back and forth happily, “Your muscles then store it and it is used the next time you attack usually.”
“I guess my body isn't use to it, I can already feel how sore it has made me,” Bito stretched, “But I really need to find my way back to the village.”
“Why?”
“I’m not sure, I just have the feeling it's where I should be,” Bito looked around uncomfortably, sensing something; Jumping up to a higher branch he inspected the surrounding trees.

"Let go of her you bastard!" A young male voice demanded, it was followed by a painful scream; Bito strapped his mask on, threw on his hood, and dove towards the cry. Gripping sturdy branches and swinging to slow his fall he descended gracefully, ears perked.
The more he ran the louder the screams of a young girl became. Bito reached the edge of a clearing, within the small circling field he saw a humanoid salamander, it had armor plating and a sword. The girl screamed reaching for her head in pain, "Help me Tadashi!" She cried louder as the creature shook her around.
 Bito waited for his chance, he didn't want to rush in. Being positioned behind the larger thug in the bushes he was hidden from the sight of the second bully just yards away. "Kira don't worry I'll protect you-" the boy was cut off by slug to his face.
"Shut up kid," the thin Salamandra hissed," we both know you can't save anybody." The bullies laughed as the dizzy boy got to his feet.
"Tadashi no!" The girl cried. The larger Salamdra slapped a scaley hand over her mouth.
"Damn you're annoying!" The large warrior stated angrily, "Just kill the other brat so we can take this one."
The other lizard picked up Tadashi and growled, "Well sorry kid, you're just no use to us" pulling his arm back his arm for a moment before before it began to glow a dull red, releasing steam radiated off the boys arm and shoulder.
 
Tadashi flailed and powerful winds startled the Salamanders, knocking them off balance momentarily,
"Tadashi!" The girl yelled shaking free, her body glowed dully but rapidly illuminated, a large beam of light shot out in all directions blinding everybody, except Bito who hid down in the shrubbery.
As the Salamanders flailed and reached for their eyes, Bito ran out of the bushes, running on the back of the large lizard he sprang forward and slammed his heel the slender delinquent. A slight screech resonated as the giant reptile Recoiled and crumbled down clutching its head.
Turning around he pulled and arm back, yet he was greeted by a large fist to the chest that robbed him of his balance; He didn't have enough time to recover when he was snatched up from behind.
The other Salamander did not hesitate and began to pummel Bito with heavy fist. Bito heaved each time he was struck, yet he stood tall, head up enduring.
The young girl snuck around the commotion to help the recovering boy struggling to stand up, "Tadashi we need to help him!" The girl pulled Tadashi up.
"Kira are you ok?" Tadashi muttered dazed still, Standing up Tadashi regained sense, shaking his hazy state.
"Tadashi what do we do?" The Kira squeaked.
Tadashi pulled out an aged slingshot, "Get behind me" he ordered his sister. Kira jumped behind and clutched Tadashi shaking.
"I can't get a shot if you keep shaking Kira" Tadashi chuckled.
"Give me a turn!" The slender bully yelled,"he hit me idiot!"
" We're wasting our time anyways," the large lizard hissed back,"We came for the brat!" Turning towards Tadashi and Kira the bullies watched as he steadied his shot and released. Bito heard a zoom and the sound of a projectile going through the large lizards chestplate, the more slender one dropped Bito and turned towards Tadashi, “ You little brat!” He slashed his sword at Tadashi just as the boy released a shot, the round shot was surrounded in a thin, whirling veil that penetrated the flames and lodged itself in the metallic plates.
“Too bad Kid,” the Salamander snarled, “ Anfractus Incensus,” extending his hand out a flame spiraled out, before Bito grabbed the Salamanders arm reflexively, draining the energy the fire dwindled and Bito’s arm began to glow purple and drained towards his body. He stepped and squatted slightly before unleashing a powerful uppercut that left a roaring purple aura around it as it connected with the Salamanders chestplate, eventually shattering it and sending the beast flying towards a tree. He slammed into and leaves dropped out, but it slowly got back up and hissed at the boy, “I’ll cut both of you in half!”
“Nope,” an orange haired boy jumped out of the tree and recited, “ Scintilla Pila,” a sparkling ball zoomed towards the red lizard and exploded. Bito stood and watched as dust and debris was carried by the blast’s energy outwards him, his clothes flailed and Tadashi advanced towards the blast with Kira, stopping a short distance from Bito.

The spiked orange haired boy stood with his arms crossed, he had thick black pants and white t-shirt under a leather jacket. “Listen you scum, I am taking that girl and there is nothing you can do about it.” He held another sparkling ball in his palm and pointed at Kira.
"I'll never give my sister to you thugs,You’ll have to kill me!” Tadashi stood tall and aimed a shot at him.
 “ You should really choose your words more carefully,” the boy chuckled and flung the ball at Tadashi. Both of the boys projectiles clashed and exploded close to Bito, who tried collecting energy but had his palms burned instead.
During that time the orange boy zoomed behind Tadashi and blasted him away, following closely behind to grab and slam him into the ground. Flipping backwards he unleashed another sparkling ball at the fallen boy to make sure the job was done, Tadashi lay motionless in a smoldering crater when the smoke cleared.

If this is spam let me know haha on the other hand if  you want more also let me know! Thanks guys:3
"Do whatever the *censored* makes You happy, cuz in the end who's there? You."
Free Plug for my Work, yo. Story Summary: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,15846.msg256608.html#msg256608

story draft: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,16569.msg266978.html#msg266978

Offline MK

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Re: Too much for PM
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2016, 02:07:43 PM »
Don't worry, it is not spam but just you posting your story.  If you don't want people to critique your story then you should specify on your post because this is open for everyone to read.  If you aren't worried about critique then you can just leave it as it is.

Offline Bito916

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Re: Too much for PM
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2016, 02:24:32 PM »
Actually I want Critique! I understand my story is not perfect but want to see others opinions on what needs tweaking:3
"Do whatever the *censored* makes You happy, cuz in the end who's there? You."
Free Plug for my Work, yo. Story Summary: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,15846.msg256608.html#msg256608

story draft: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,16569.msg266978.html#msg266978

Offline PageTurnerComics

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Re: Too much for PM
« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2016, 12:23:07 AM »
Hey Bito. All I can say is that if you're intending this to be a manga, these are extremely long chapters. I'd write about the same amount, but by the time Jeff (My Artist) got to around 10% of the first chapter we had to stop because we were already past 60 pages. And your formatting needs serious work; very few people are even going to give this a read if you don't format it correctly. That being said, you are a competent writer. It looks good, and I think I can see where you're going with it. Clean it up, keep writing and it'll go somewhere.

Offline Bito916

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Re: Too much for PM
« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2016, 12:41:24 AM »
Thanks for the feedback! I know my format, spelling, and grammar are pretty terrible... I justified it as wanting to focus on the story itself and ignoring the small stuff but I can see it does affect the story at times. Ill definitely keep working on my format but I didnt realize my chapters could be spread out so long, I suppose fitting all the ideas would take up space.  :ohmy:
"Do whatever the *censored* makes You happy, cuz in the end who's there? You."
Free Plug for my Work, yo. Story Summary: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,15846.msg256608.html#msg256608

story draft: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,16569.msg266978.html#msg266978

Offline Action Animation

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Re: Too much for PM
« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2016, 06:06:47 PM »
Chapter 1 Review


Rocksflew through the air and crack on the stone floor as a boy with spiked white hair frantically Dug through a pile of stones. Fires crackled outside and the smoke scented air carried red embers, houses were crumbling as time passed and the boy labored.

“Please Bito,” the boy cries desperately, “ don't die damn it!” The final stone is thrown and shatters on the floor behind him,

What final stone? Where are we? Whats going on? Is this a natural disaster? Is stone raining from above on more stone below? ^^

“We have to run before they come back!” The boy pulls on a boy

Boy and boy need either their actual name or the nickname this could easily read as the Rubble boy if thats Bito pulling on the other kid

trapped under the rubble, he is wearing a gas mask with a filter on each side, around each one purple symbols swirled around as white dressed boy reached towards his brother. Bito had blood pouring out of his head and his breathing was slowing down, he was not responding as his brother shook him.

what do you mean by slowing down do you mean hardly at all or was his breathing just slow?
Who is the white dressed boy?
 Who are we reading as?
Wasn't Bito under the rubble?


Your style of writing changed suddenly when discribing the mask is a mix of described story like a script but also like a novel but more on that later^^ it will help us understand



“What is that?”  As the white haired boy reached towards the mask’s glow intensified, he touched it and shouted reflexively out of pain.

His scream was one of many that filled the air, some were crying for help, others were calling out names, some parents could be seen guiding children and fighting off giant armored Salamanders.

did he shout? (a quick yelp of pain) or scream (a prolonged outburst)


Wait is there more people here?
Now we got armored salamanders?
Before it sounded like it was Bito and the white kid or is that another kid? to the other boy that are the last alive ^^

so we are in a town of destruction stones are crashing down until the last one did
But what stones? Was it a magic attack? Did those salamanders do it? Was it a nearby volcano?


Their brown-red skin blended in with the dark red armor crested with yellow and red gems, they had helmets that revealed Black eyes, two flat nostril holes and sharp yellow teeth.

 Extending hands out, ice shot out from a dark-skinned mothers and pierced the invaders breast plate, falling down the corpse kicked up a cloud of a dust. The other soldiers pressed on a slashed at the parents, some of them producing flames that trailed behind their sword with each swing. The woman who had shot out was now being pinned down as she distracted danger away from her children, running down a street  one of the Salamander held a staff up and flung a dense ball of fire. It exploded on a building and blocked her escape, yards away.


She turned and began fighting once more, slashing back with icy blue claws she had produced,

she fought back and killed many warriors but was being outnumbered and was growing tired.

Small note
normally your battles are more detailed this one seems rather quick and grouped together as "Killed many warriors " just a observation



 As she shot out her final icicle she huffed but refused to fall; from behind the stone barricade powerful winds lifted and pushed the giant stones over the woman's head, and Thick clouds followed a light skinned man as he dashed towards soldiers and began grappling with them,


I'm assuming that this is now a team battle of Civilians fighting of the salamanders but what happened to Bito and the other kids? you went from a scene of a mom saving her kids then two random people fighting off the salamanders and this little bit goes on for quite awhile in high detail

all the while our main cast is somewhere doing something, perhaps if the cast WAS being protected by these people and they SEEN this take place for their protection it would make more sense,
but as it stands its just awesome action taking place with no reason   ^^




he moved rapidly out of the way of sharp swings and pushed his enemy away remarkably as he punched them. The clouds cracked every time he shouted as he fought, the small army stood united and pulled back their swords in unison. The man looked around and was trapped, he steadied his stance as he stared down the mob. The circle roared and a ring of fire sped towards the man, leading with his left arm he pushed up, heaving, and the flames spiraled above him towards the air.

The woman from before stood on top of a tall broken home and pulled her glowing blue hands down as she yelled out, “ Aufero Aridus!” Large patches of sharp ice rained down on all of the brawlers, endlessly the ice pierced everything it touched upon reaching the ground.


This was one of the fights that had broken out but from inside the simple stone home the conscious boy was angrily cursing at his brother, “Damn it Bito! You’re always giving up like this, why the hell do you have to be so damn powerless?” He had gathered rags to press against his brothers wound, but the rags quickly soaked and dripped on his hands.

Who are all these boys? Bito? the white haired kid? another kid? one of the kids that ran away?^^

when did we get inside a house?
who is yelling at Bito?
wasen't his blood pouring from his head?
what happened to that gas mask?
weren't these folks protecting some other kids? when did they get over here?^^



The front door kicked in and a small figure blocked the light coming from flames outside, the brother shot around and pointed a handgun at the figure with one hand while holding his brother with the other “Get away! If you touch my brother I’ll *censored*ing kill you!” The child’s hand trembled as the person stepped closer, bright beams shot out from his fingertip towards the stranger but missed every time.

The pale hand slowly pulled out a knife and stepped even closer, the boy frighteningly shot and began glowing brightly. The knife was pressed against a pale arm and a green light burst out, blinding the white haired child.


Who is this white haired kid? what just happened? what happened to the salamanders? what town did this occur in? who is the "person" and who is the "stranger"? when did they get here?^^ 

10 years later

"Hey kid you can't sleep here." A warm voice rang, " Woah are you ok?" The voice asked concerned.
Green tinted light shone through the sockets of a mask that clearly had its fair share of the elements.

The boy sat up to look at the source of the gentle sound. It was an average sized dirty looking man. He had frayed hair, dirty hands, and a small basket on his back.

"Glad you're not dead but I can't have you sleeping here," the man stated, " Are you alright? Do you need help home.


The boy sat silently looking up at the man, then shook his head slowly. The silence in the air was broken by chirping of nearby birds on decrepit buildings.


They looked as if they'd been scorched and were in shambles. Stray dogs chased cats in and out of the building's, and teenagers shifted through the broken homes.

"Im sorry to hear that kid" the man sighed sympathetically, "My names Tyrael and as hard as it is to believe this broken building is my home!" he smiled extending his arms to gesture towards the crumbled structure they were in front of .


why is Tyrael sorry to hear that? Bito only shook his head, he gave no indication that he was in need of help or he had a troublesome past^^


He then stretched one arm down towards the boy, "Sorry whats your name?" He asked joyfully grasping an extended hand.
"Bito" the boy stated quietly.

"Don't really talk much huh?" Tyrael laughed pulling Bito up to stand, "well Bito I have nothing against children" he ironically brushed off dirt that Bito had on his torn and tattered clothes, "Hell I have three myself!" He bellowed happily tussling the mid-teens crazy hair.

the"don't really talk much" is a line used normally after a conversation has gone on for awhile and one of the characters only mutters quick responses or none at all ^^ here the man asked one question and Bito showed no hesitation in answering^^


Bito stood silently.
"Sorry I can get carried away sometimes..." the older man apologized embarrassed, " anyways I was saying I can't have you hanging out here because my family stays here, " Tyrael explained, "Im sure you can understand me trying to keep my family from danger."

why is Bito a threat to him? if Tyreal was able to talk too and even tussle the hair of a possible threat what makes Bito the least bit intimidating? especially if he was offering a way to help him home^^

Bito nodded and adjusted his mask and bag made from branches. The branches and vines wove in and out of Bito's oversized clothing making it seem as if the bag was part of his outfit. He turned and began to walk away from the cluster of broken buildings when the man put his hand on his shoulder.
Bito tensed slightly quickly grasping the mans wrist.

since when was Bito wearing a mask? was that the green tinted bit way before? ^^


" Ow kid take it easy!" Tyrael shouted in pain.

Bito instantly realized what he was doing and released the man. He quickly began his trek again before the man called out to him.

"Dammit kid here!" Tyrael reached into his basket and pulled out two shiny red apples, "catch!" He threw both swiftly at the boy who caught them reflexively.


Bito looked at the apples surface, he saw a gas mask topped with a full head of shoulder length black hair. A hood shrouded the mask and hair hiding any more details that could have been gleaned. He put the apples away into his back and turned to leave once more.

so this is the gas mask? how did Tyreal tussle Bito's hair if he was all hooded up?^^


"You're not my brat but you're still the future of this village so don't die." Tyrael sounded more serious,”Dont be so damn reckless anymore,” Surprised by the sudden change of tone Bito swung around but Tyrael was gone.

when has Bito done anything to show him being reckless before? seems theses two just met so why is it that Tyrael had to warn Bito to be careful? and if he is the future of the village why did Tyreal shoo him away?^^


Bito walked out of a side street into a main dirt road, many adolescents filled the street. Some were merchants and advertised in front their stores, shouting out prices or approaching shoppers with deals. Bito walked down the market past persistent shop owners, walking aimlessly. Bito walked by the shops looking at the various weapons, armors, and jewelry; all the shop owners only glared as he walked by, in fact everybody who noticed Bito began to watch him closely.

The boy kept walking past everybody, his darker clothing  contrasting against their white or tanning cloths. The sun overhead meant Bito should have been overheating with his outfit but he seemed perfectly fine, he was a little warm but did not complain.


"Thief!" Yelled a voice from behind.
Bito didnt even have time to turn around before he was knocked over by a gray figure holding a basket.
"Move dammit! Cant you see that dirty runt is getting away?!" An old man barked at Bito as he lay on the ground confused," If that brat gets away I'm blaming you!"

The man kicked Bito and continued to chase the thief, he flailed his club in the air in frustration, "If you wanna
actually be useful for once why dont you help me catch the punk?!"

Bito owed the man nothing, but he was intrigued by this particular thief. Standing up he brushed himself off quickly before ducking into an alley behind the man. He grabbed a ledge and pushed off to a higher rooftop. Pulling himself up he spotted the hooded bandit running with a bundle of apples in a woven basket. He jumped over gaps and balanced on beams connecting the buildings, he saw a group of people surrounding a fire a few houses away and stopped.


There were three huts, each circling around the fire, men in red and orange clothing conversed with each other before other men dressed in black jumped up from the floor and landed on solid ground. They had black clothes and were holding carcasses of green rabbits, Bito ducked behind a corner when he saw one of the men in dark clothes pull out a long dagger; he slid it against the rabbits hide so quickly a cloud of hairs rained around it. He triumphantly held the skinned rabbit up to one of the other men, he was dressed in red clothes and had a bulkier build. He grabbed the animal as his hands lit up red, Bito's mask began glowing dimly, his symbols spun around his filters. One of the men in black looked over in Bito's direction alarming the other men, the others reached for swords and daggers before being called off.

Bito was to far away to hear anything but could see the man giving the other orders before stepping into one of the huts produced from planks of wood. The dark men skinned rabbits and handed it to the other group, they cooked the meat in their hands and handed it back. The meat was taken into a different hut and the red men continued talking.

Bito did not spot the grey thief and decided to sneak past the men, he dropped down back to the street and walked into the moving crowd. Walking past the building the men were on top of he saw it was a store that seemed to sell customized weapons, teenagers and kid walked in and out of it; excited to either have a new sword,,shield, or other weapon that reflected their personality, or looking forward to get a new one.

The sun was setting; The orange glow cast long shadows beneath the broken buildings making it hard for Bito to see. He sighed in disappointment,  his opportunity to catch up to the mysterious person was fading along with the sunlight. But something caught his attention. In the distance he could hear familiar scolding. Inspecting the dirty landscape closer he saw somebody running. It was the old man who had battered Bito, he was still lingering close behind. He saw another person easily weaving through the buildings and fallen structures keeping a steady pace.

Immediately Bito ran towards the two. All he had to do was catch the, most likely, tired thief; Indeed Bito made it a mission to catch up. His feet and legs wanted to give up on him but the fiery spirit inside of him wouldnt let him give up. He was so close to catching it. He was so close to grasping the ever escaping chance that always slipped through of his fingers.

The old man was obviously out of shape,he was panting like a dog. He wheezed as he bent over to gasp for air. The old dirty long spiked club in his hand was the only thing keeping the man from falling over. Step by step he grew weaker, legs trembling and sweat pooring from his face.

"You again?!" Yelled the man, "*censored*....listen you dirty mutt im tired...." the man stopped and caught his breath,"Lets make a deal. You catch that punk ill forgive you for being such a worthless piece of garbage. Deal?" The man grinned.

Bito didnt even acknowledge that his curiosity was just way too peaked.

"You know you idiot it be easier to catch that maniac without that mask on."The sweaty man reached for Bitos mask with trembling hands.


Instinctively Bito twisted his hand and snatch the club out of his other hand. He kicked the man's legs out and watch him fall to the floor. Standing on top of him one foot on his chest he pointed the club towards the mans face. The man didnt even realize what was going on until he was already on the dirt street. He lay struggling to breath with the added weight on his torso.


".....Dont touch the mask....." Bito whispered dropping the club on the man. Turning around he ran into an alley realizing he was wasting precious time.

He looked down at the person from rooftops as they ran in the street, he looked and finally saw what they were running towards. A green forest, the sun dipping behind the thick trees, shadows reached and pushed the sunlight away as they wrapped around buildings. He saw a crowd walk around a corner, right before the forest, causing the thief to duck into the first alley they came across.  Bito leaped over the large gap in between the buildings, he reached towards the edge and saw it was out of reach.


He looked down and was surprised to see how far away the ground was. His heart pounded and blurred his vision. He glared at the edge before he shut his eyes, he felt stone underneath his fingers and then opened his eyes. He quickly pulled himself up, and watched the wave of shadows continue spreading. He turned and saw the person run towards a corner that would lead to a wall. Bito waited until the person turned the corner before dropping down into the alley, his prey was unaware of the wall hidden by shadows in the distance.

Spinning around the grey hood had realized she was trapped, like a cornered rat it backed until the wall pushed against them. Bito slowly walked towards the person, he was so intrigued and his prey was within sight. Instinct kicked in and like a cornered beast, the person fought back; pushing Bito they managed to surprise him, yet was yanked back as Bito grabbed the hood. The person fell on on Bito and caused both of them  to fall on the cold floor.

A dark red river of silky hair rolled through Bito's hands as they tumbled, the small amount of light revealed the crimson silk and pale skin. Bito turned to look down the alley and saw a group of light approaching the corner. He looked up to see a full moon  and how it was lighting up the alley, he looked at the girl in amazement. Her skin bounced the moonlight and stood out in the dark, assisted by her glowing hair.

"You're a girl..." Was all Bito could say, he was so taken aback, unable to think.
She stared back at him blushing wildly, her brown eyes rounded in fear. She whimpered yet failed to form any words. Terrified she struggled to escape from his grasp, she only stopped when she heard a voice boom orders.

"Get that damn thief!” The old commanded, “I’m tired of these demons running around stealing from us,” the crowd cheered in agreement and barreled towards the corner towards, the two hidden in the darkness.
He pulled back as the girl fought him, he watched as they turned the corner. A small group approached the end of the alley, they marched inspecting everything they could.

“Please they’ll kill me!” The girl pleaded as she fought against Bito, but he would not let up, he did not let go. She had committed a crime, Bito had been instilled with the idea that crime must be punished, this is what he thought justice was.





Ok first and for most your biggest issue is you need to make a setting instead of tossing the Reader into the fray ^^
for example the bit in the beginning you could have started off with

The sky was tinted red from fire and ash as a small town was ravaged by salamanders who slayed the villagers without question or mercy

in the center of the village a destroyed home crumbled to rubble where White haired Kid and Bito struggled to get out

Then you can start the personal stuff now that we know whats going on, where we are, who we are looking at ect^^   

another thing to is that you have a habit of talking like a script, I.E in the heat of the action we see Bito's mask and then your story flow stops completely to describe what we are looking at then suddenly we dive back into the story^^

its a odd stop and go style as you describe it in 1st person then jump immidiatly back to 3rd person ^^ its really hard to keep track of who we are^^
 
my suggestion is if you must go script style then before the chapter is opened why dont you post a spoiler tab of all the things you will introduce in the chapter

like spells
the gas mask
the characters in here and what they look like ect
like the salamanders what are they wearing and what can they do

that way you wont have to stop everything to describe what we are looking at

option 2 is stay first person that way we have one character we know who we are walking with and have him describe what he is seeing^^

and lastly please stop using boy or unconscious boy or white haired boy please its very confusing just stick with the names^^

also to help the wall of words just hit the enter key when you put down a period to break up the stroy wall it helps us to not re read a line or get lost in the story^^

and if your trying to ditch the whole style for a new writing style I could suggest a few if interested^^

anyway I wont mention the boy thing in chapter 2 scince i said it here

you have a good foundation of the story's I crave it just needs to be a more focused style of storytelling that easyer to understand ^^ welp Off I go to chapter 2

Offline ricksmt

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Re: Too much for PM
« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2016, 11:52:57 PM »
Content is mostly good. I don't see any major rework. There's a few inexplicable things: the formation of the mob, the initial Koi-Bito interaction, some of the cliffside conversation. Keep in mind that you're targeting manga, so some of your literary descriptions won't translate well to the more visual format: there's a couple in the void as well as the end of the cliffside scene if I recall correctly.

The writing itself needs polish; it's simply not presentable. Many of the descriptions need to be revised, and fair chunk of the word choice is questionable. Also, I'm anti-swearing, so understand my opinion is biased, but I don't see a need for it in your story, so you might as well take it out.

Offline Bito916

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Re: Too much for PM
« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2016, 09:48:33 AM »
I was not entirely sure how to put all that information down, so I thinknIm going to take action's idea and use spoiler tabs to make it a little easier to understand:3
"Do whatever the *censored* makes You happy, cuz in the end who's there? You."
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Re: Too much for PM
« Reply #8 on: July 19, 2016, 05:07:32 AM »
I got a rewrite in the works, this one may actually be too much information if anything haha I added a few of the other characters that appear in the series, as well as tried to give Bito a bit more dialogue, though im not sure How I exactly want him to be. Parkouring laid back dude with a mask? Let me know guys!:3

Descriptions of Characters or other important things Spoiler.
Spoiler
*This is set in a different dimension so any phrases are used to describe a subject in a more relatable form.
1. Salamanders: Common Summon for Fire Discipline to fight against large crowds or maintenance order. They are all demons who have been trained so having a large amounts means having the resources to maintain all those troops, color of skin and gems depend on what faction they belong to.
2. Aufero Aridus: Powerful Water Discipline spell that creates many sharp crystals in the atmosphere that rain down at the will of the caster.
3. Kemono: Bito’s twin brother who shares the other half of their soul. He is almost identical to Bito, except the fact that Kemono has white hair, uses Light as his main Discipline, and is able to learn advanced techniques quickly. Light/Shadow Hybrid.
4. Bito: One of the main Characters, he is typically quiet but when he is comfortable enough he will not hesitate to be casual and hold relaxed conversations. He is 5’8 has black messy hair, wears a snug black jacket and is nimble and fit due to the amount of parkour he does to get around the village. Shadow/Light Hybrid.
5. Tyrael: The only person who seems to have survived the incident that killed all the adults in the Dimension. He is a scholar who wears clean brown pants and thick green coat under his White and gold cape that reached down to the top of his boots at mid-shin. Member of the Light Race.
6. Chef Bravo: A stout tan man, thick arms and legs to support his round torso. His goatee formed an almost permanent scowl. Red chef coat and dense black pants with thick rope around his waist that held slots for his knives on both sides of his apron that draped to his knees. Nature/Fire Hyrbid.
7.Sheriff Degan: The most respected man in the village, he organizes the town's trading, with help of Razis, and makes sure the village is safe. He wears black logger boots hidden under his jeans and makes sure his hat is always secure on his head. Does not have a particular pistol he likes but actually bullets specially designed by Vulcana for him. Wind/Water Hybrid.
8. Razis: The short stacked, brainiac who organized the trading in the village and helped organize the village along with Sheriff Degan. He prefers to be in the shadows due to his awkward social skills. Water and Light hybrid.
9. Vulcana: Chief Blacksmith, she is 6’2 has dark brown hair and an Irish* accent, developed strong arms and build due to the many years she spent learning to meld metal from her mother as a child,  she is proud of her heritage and wears a red bandana along with her black robe uniform, which sets her apart from all the other white uniform workers in her stone huts.  Fire and Shadow Discipline hybrid.
10. Knight Watch: Group of villagers who patrol the night in order to keep things in order, first responders in case any kind of emergency were to occur. Members tend to earn respect as the task presented to Knight Watch are usually vital to somebody’s life or the village.
11. Marisol: Adolescent blacksmith with blonde hair and tan skin. Her tough and hard working attitude proves that she is more capable than many of her larger and older blacksmith peers and has earned the right to be Vulcana’s apprentice. Fire/Nature Hybrid.

Spoiler
Explosions sent chunks of houses flying through the and smash more buildings. Children ran into the forest with some of their mothers while other village people jumped out of the new openings in their homes and towards the invading forces. Red Salamanders(1) screeched as they marched from the desert in massive numbers beginning to engulf the entire village, both displayed their impressive powers as they fought in the streets and houses. The parents had been ready, revealing traps they had laid in anticipation they cut off the steady stream of invaders by collapsing homes and blocking the alley ways. The next set of parents began letting out an invisible gas that filled the air with a nauseous scent. They jumped back behind houses and towards their families in the woods before more parents shouted as they jumped high into the air and caught fire as they spiraled down, igniting the gas and smashing into the enormous crowds of lizards. The plan had done noticeable damage but the remaining forces easily blasted their way through the barricade shortly after.   


   Extending hands out, ice shot out from a dark-skinned mothers and pierced the invaders breast plate, falling down the corpse kicked up a cloud of a dust. The other soldiers pressed on a slashed at the parents, some of them producing flames that trailed behind their sword with each swing. The woman who had shot out was now being pinned down as she distracted danger away from her children, running down a street  one of the Salamander held a staff up and flung a dense ball of fire. It exploded on a building and blocked her escape, yards away.

   She turned and began fighting once more, slashing back with icy blue claws she had produced, she fought back and killed many warriors but was being outnumbered and was growing tired. As she shot out her final icicle she huffed but refused to fall; from behind the stone barricade powerful winds lifted and pushed the giant stones over the woman's head, and Thick clouds followed a light skinned man as he dashed towards soldiers and began grappling with them, he moved rapidly out of the way of sharp swings and pushed his enemy away remarkably as he punched them. The clouds cracked every time he shouted as he fought, the small army stood united and pulled back their swords in unison. The man looked around and was trapped, he steadied his stance as he stared down the mob. The circle roared and a ring of fire sped towards the man, leading with his left arm he pushed up, heaving, and the flames spiraled above him towards the air. The woman from before stood on top of a tall broken home and pulled her glowing blue hands down as she yelled out, “ Aufero Aridus!” (2) Giving up their lives the parents pierced everything with sharp endless Ice, taking out a chunk from the still formidable group.


   Kemono (3) frantically moved stone after stone from their collapsed wall, he threw the stones over his shoulder leaving a large pile of rubble surrounding them. Finally reaching Bito (4) he dug even faster and pulled his brother out. "What is that?" He stopped and looked at Bito's purple mask, the symbols were lighting up and spinning. "Bito," he called out to his brother, " Bito wake up!" He slowly reached out to the mask's edge but burned his finger on it. Jolting back and yelping in pain he dropped his brother back into the snug spot he found him in, the front door kicked in and a small figure blocked the light coming from flames outside, the brother spun around and pointed a finger-gun with one hand while he held his burnt fingertips behind his back.  “Get away! If you touch my brother I’ll shoot you!” The child’s hand trembled as the person stepped closer, bright beams shot out from his fingertip towards the stranger but missed as a result of his shaking.

The pale hand slowly pulled out a knife and stepped even closer, the boy shot the person through their shoulder in response, causing them to stand in place. Knife in hand a green aura surrounded Bito in his pit. "They are only seeking out the adults, but You and Bito will be hunted. Make sure Bito stays Alive." The person commanded turning around, out the door frame towards the cried of more children.



10 years later
"Hey Kid, wake up," Tyrael's (5) outline was backed by fluffy white clouds as Bito looked up at him. "You're not dead are you?" Tyrael nudged the boy with his foot and waited for him to move.

"Im Sorry Am I In your way?" Bito groaned half awake beginning to stand up.

"I didn't mean that, I mean you're a sitting target out here in the open," Tyrael picked up two shiny apples and cleaned them on his robe, " Somebody will steal your food if you're not vigilant," reaching out his hand, Bito grabbed it and was yanked up.  ' What's your name?"

"My name is Bito, what's yours?" Bito asked on his feet fixing his mask and small bag, he pulled his hood over his mess of hair and waited for Tyrael's response.
 
Tyrael inspected Bito before finally responding, " The Name is Tyrael of the Noble Hawk Family. Where did you get a fancy mask like that, young Bito?"

"I've always had it..." Bito answered reflexively, “It’s all I really need, well I and food I suppose,” he admitted finally reaching out to grab the juicy apples.

“Well it's quite impressive, remember to take care of yourself and that flashy mask.” Tyrael helped the boy dust himself off, and then kept walking through the broken home Bito was laying next to. “This is my house so don't be bringing trouble around here, understand?” 

“Yes Sir,” Bito stated with respect and then turne  into the busy streets. They were mostly dirt and debris, but many stands offered colorful distractions by demanding the attention of any passerby. Bito strolled through the streets inspecting the merchandise that was being displayed, weapons, books filled with spells and techniques being demonstrated, and a diverse selection of food from across the Dimensions. One stand in particular, it advertised their signature “Spiciest Dish in the 6 Dimensions”,  and caught Bito’s attention.

“Excuse me, how much is a dish?” Bito asked behind his mask, reaching into his pocket.

“Hey Boss! The Bito kid wants to know how much a meal is for him!” The teenage looking merchant shouted back at the man preparing food.

“His meals free, In fact I got it right here.” Chef Bravo (6) walked over with a fresh plate and handed it to Bito, just as Bito was going to grab it the Chef threw it all on the dirt ground. “ Damn kid, get lost.”
Bito did as commanded and turned, slowly putting his head down he sighed as he watched people look away from the scene.
“That’s Enough Bravo, You know Bito doesn't remember anything, in fact he’s a changed soul aint that right?!” Sheriff Degan (7) laughed as he dropped a heavy arm on Bito’s shoulders, “Now fetch me up a plate seeing all this food going to waste makes me hungry!” Degan obviously winked at Bito.
“Yes Sheriff,” Chef Bravo grunted and began preparing another meal.
“How you been Bito?” Degan smiled at Bito, his white teeth and slight stubble created a smile underneath his hat, Bito could hear women gasping and talking about Degan, “Don't mind them I'm just a little popular.”
“I’ve been the same, I was going to go feed the cats by the river some fish,” Bito answered from behind his mask.
“Yeah I let Razis ( 8 ) know so if he gives you any trouble be sure to let me know,” The Sheriff tipped his hat at the Chef as he reached for his plate, “Thank you Sir.” Taking a single bite the chef began exclaiming in pleasure, “Spiciest Dish in the 6 Dimensions! Best batch so far Chef!”
“Thank you Sheriff I actually had the Kitchen Pewee make the sauce this time.”
“Well Both of you got my seal of approval!” He laughed and took off his hat to fan his face, “Here Bito help me out boy,” Exclaiming again the sheriff happily wiped the sweat off his forehead and nose.
Bito lifted his mask just enough to take bites of the meal, “This Spicy Goodness,” Bito stated eating more and more of the meal, “Thank you so much Chef!” 
“Whatever Kid,” Chef Bravo turned and continued making food for his other customers.
“Say Bito you mind doing a small favor for me?” Degan asked Bito, who was still eating
“Sure Degan, What you need?” Bito answered with a mouthful of food while handing the plate back to the Sheriff.
” I kinda used up all my bullets during target practice with some kids, mind asking Vulcana (9)  if she can make some for me?” Degan took more food into his mouth and turned to look at Bito happily.

“Thanks! I got reports of some of the forest critters stirring up lately so I want to be sure I’m not caught with my pants down!” He laughed and finished off the plate before handing it back to the teenage Kitchen Pewee, “Thank you Son,” Degan fixed his clothes and had then turned to look at Bito, “ She should be at her workshop as always, that woman is a maniac about steelwork,” reaching into his pocket he pulled out an outstanding red and yellow gem, it looked glorious in his palm before Degan quickly shoved into Bito’s, “ Give this to her as a gift for me won’t you?” He winked.
“Where did you even get this? Its incredible!” Bito glared at it in his palms.
“Yeah well careful with it, don't let anybody even see it, can you manage that?” Degan asked worried he had to put the gem away again,” You familiar with the shortcuts around town?”
“Yeah I think I'm getting the hang of it, it's much easier when you can jump over everything though,” Bito used his hands to show jumping over an object.
“Too old for that now,” Degan laughed, “ Hey thanks again Bito!” Degan turned around towards the food stand again, signaling Bito should leave.
Bito began his journey by ducking into the closest alleyway, making sure his hood was set he jumped up on empty crates and debris, grabbing a ledge and lifting himself up over it. Running he kicked off a side wall and pulled himself even high up in the complex but rotting structures.

All of them were damaged, either scorched or looted and defaced with graffiti. Bito disregarded the rest of the world as he jumped off a ledge and catching himself on poles designed to dry clothes, he quickly swung bar to bar and rolled onto another rooftop, turning around he saw families on other rooftops sharing meals or  living on the hot dirty roofs. Looking down he saw more children laughing and running around with dirty clothes following him,   he spotted a broken tower and aimed for it as he reached the wooden hand rails and dropped on the platform before rolling onto the ground.
“That’s so cool!” The biggest child exclaimed, Bitp walked over to them and gave them high fives and fist-bumps as they showed off their rolling skills to him.

“It’s been well over a year and he has been nothing but a kind soul,” Degan reminded Bravo, “I know he helped cause terrible damage to the village, but he’s trying. “Who knows maybe he can be in the Knight Watch (10) , then he can help out from the shadows,”
“Give him all the responsibility you think is wise,  I’m not changing how I treat the punk, I just don't want to see him.” Chef Bravo responded angrily, “Savior from Below, what a load of crap.”
“Stubborn as always Bravo, fine I’ll see what I can arrange, just leave him alone for now,” Degan responded seriously, “How have the animals been?”
“They’re even more vicious than before Degan, things are getting worse.” Chef Bravo responded lowly.
“Thank you Chef,” Degan tipped his hat and nodded his head, before walking away and greeting the admiring village children.
“Excuse me, Chief Vulcana!” A young apprentice addressed a woman, “You have somebody who wishes to speak to you!” Bowing her head she waited for her elders response.
“Thank you Marisol, carry on.” Vulcana thanked the girl genuinely, “Make sure you’re staying hydrated, and give the others a break. It’s a hot one today aint it?” She stood up and walked over to the two from her smelting station and bench.
“Yes ma’am!”  Marison responded before turning to step out of the stone hut, but hesitated as she stared at Bito for a few moments.
“Something wrong?” Vulcana asked in a humourless tone, she placed her arm on Bito and turned her head slightly as she looked at the apprentice.
“No ma’am.” She responded before turning and quickly walking away.


"Do whatever the *censored* makes You happy, cuz in the end who's there? You."
Free Plug for my Work, yo. Story Summary: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,15846.msg256608.html#msg256608

story draft: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,16569.msg266978.html#msg266978

Offline ricksmt

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Re: Too much for PM
« Reply #9 on: July 21, 2016, 01:46:22 AM »
Some inconsistencies:
  • Tyrael acts like he doesn't know Bito, but the whole town seems to know Bito.
  • Bito accepting the mission is unclear.
  • The Chef's treatment of Bito seems out of place.
  • The Degan-Bravo conversation tells us a lot of background explicitly, and I don't think that's how the real conversation would go.
Try being more honest with your characters: their history, their attitudes, and their personalities.
« Last Edit: July 23, 2016, 04:10:16 PM by ricksmt »

Offline Bito916

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Re: Too much for PM
« Reply #10 on: July 21, 2016, 02:57:58 AM »
Dope thanks for the feedback! Tyrael is just acting, he does know who Bito is and all he has done, but decides to "forget" all about it and him. The Degan-Bravo conversation is gives a lot of details I agree, Is there a more subtle way of conveying the same message?
"Do whatever the *censored* makes You happy, cuz in the end who's there? You."
Free Plug for my Work, yo. Story Summary: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,15846.msg256608.html#msg256608

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Offline ricksmt

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Re: Too much for PM
« Reply #11 on: July 23, 2016, 05:54:49 PM »
Something like this I guess:

Spoiler
"Bravo! That's enough."
The town sheriff Degan walked up to the stall. He gave Bito a big smile, sat down next to him, and dropped one of his thick arms on Bito's small shoulders.
"How've you been?"
"Same as usual," replied Bito.
"Good." Degan turned back to Bravo and pointed with his free arm at the mess on the ground, "I'll have one of them. Right side up."
Bito looked over his shoulder. Degan followed Bito's gaze and noticed clumps of women looking at the two of them and whispering.
"Looks like I've got some admirers," said Degan, and he waved to the women who quickly began to scatter. "What are you doing today, Bito?"
"I thought I'd go feed the cats by the river."
"Oh? Well, I talked to Razis. If he gives you any trouble, let me know."
Bito thanked Degan as Bravo slipped a full plate of food in front of Degan. Degan tipped his hat in respect before taking a bite.
"Oo! Spiciest dish in the six dimensions! I think this is the best batch yet."
"Thank you, Degan. I actually had the pewee make the sauce this time."
"You both get my approval. Here, Bito, help me out with this."
Degan slid the plate over to Bito, then he took his hat off, wiped the sweat off his brow, and began fanning himself and his open mouth. Bito adjusted his mask so he could slip the food into his mouth. The food began to disappear at a steady rate.
"Mmm. This is...This is good, Bravo."
Bravo, working as far as he could from Bito, ignored the praise. Degan put his hat back on.
"Say, Bito," said Degan. "Would you mind doing me a favor?" He waited for Bito's emphatic nod before continuing. "Would you mind running by Vulcana's and asking if she could make me some bullets? I'm running low right now, and I certainly don't want to run out."
Bito nodded before finishing the plate. Degan slipped something out of his pocket and placed it firmly in Bito's hand.
"Give this to her as well, won't you?"
Bito marveled at the item. "This is..."
"Secret. And we're going to keep it that way, okay?"
Bito nodded and slipped the item into his bag.
"Be careful. I don't want to catch you running the rooftops, so you better get going."
Bravo came back to the front after Bito took off. Degan made sure not to look Bito's direction, but anyone listening could tell Bito was already on a roof.
"I wish you'd leave him be," said Bravo.
"I wish you'd get over it."
"Crap is crap, and no one should have to deal with him after that."
Degan sighed and changed topics. "How are they?"
"The animals? Worse today than yesterday." Degan sighed again before picking himself up. He paid Degan, tipped his hat again, and carried on down the street.

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Re: Too much for PM
« Reply #12 on: July 23, 2016, 06:32:47 PM »
Wow thats amazing thank you for the pointers! Bravo and Degans roles got switched at the end but it doesnt really matter its fixable:3 Would it be possible to just keep posting on here and keep getting feedback as I write, its Some work on your part so I get it if youre too busy It would just help me at least get the light novel stage of my manga out of the way:3
"Do whatever the *censored* makes You happy, cuz in the end who's there? You."
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Offline ricksmt

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Re: Too much for PM
« Reply #13 on: July 23, 2016, 09:06:03 PM »
I would start a new thread when you get to new content. (I might miss new threads, so PM if you want my input and I haven't already posted.) I'll follow up on threads when I get time. And, of course, I'd prefer not to rewrite sections, so make sure you give it your best.

Offline Action Animation

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Re: Too much for PM
« Reply #14 on: August 01, 2016, 06:44:31 AM »
Explosions sent chunks of houses flying through the and smash more buildings. Children ran into the forest with some of their mothers while other village people jumped out of the new openings in their homes and towards the invading forces. Red Salamanders(1) screeched as they marched from the desert in massive numbers beginning to engulf the entire village, both displayed their impressive powers as they fought in the streets and houses. The parents had been ready, revealing traps they had laid in anticipation they cut off the steady stream of invaders by collapsing homes and blocking the alley ways. The next set of parents began letting out an invisible gas that filled the air with a nauseous scent.

minor note This is one of the instances that you did not describe the spell


They jumped back behind houses and towards their families in the woods before more parents shouted as they jumped high into the air and caught fire as they spiraled down, igniting the gas and smashing into the enormous crowds of lizards. The plan had done noticeable damage but the remaining forces easily blasted their way through the barricade shortly after.   


   Extending hands out, ice shot out from dark-skinned mothers and pierced the invaders breast plate, falling down the corpse kicked up a cloud of a dust. The other soldiers pressed on a slashed at the parents, some of them producing flames that trailed behind their sword with each swing. The woman who had shot out was now being pinned down as she distracted danger away from her children, running down a street  one of the Salamander held a staff up and flung a dense ball of fire. It exploded on a building and blocked her escape, yards away.

   She turned and began fighting once more, slashing back with icy blue claws she had produced, she fought back and killed many warriors but was being outnumbered and was growing tired. As she shot out her final icicle she huffed but refused to fall; from behind the stone barricade powerful winds lifted and pushed the giant stones over the woman's head, and Thick clouds followed a light skinned man as he dashed towards soldiers and began grappling with them, he moved rapidly out of the way of sharp swings and pushed his enemy away remarkably as he punched them. The clouds cracked every time he shouted as he fought, the small army stood united and pulled back their swords in unison. The man looked around and was trapped, he steadied his stance as he stared down the mob. The circle roared and a ring of fire sped towards the man, leading with his left arm he pushed up, heaving, and the flames spiraled above him towards the air. The woman from before stood on top of a tall broken home and pulled her glowing blue hands down as she yelled out, “ Aufero Aridus!” (2) Giving up their lives the parents pierced everything with sharp endless Ice, taking out a chunk from the still formidable group.

Seeing as this is a few panels worthy of just these 2 characters you might as well give them names or some sort of a title such as the villages protector or knight or defender anything as you seem to put heavy focus on it, as of now its strange to read this as just "Man"  and "Woman"

   Kemono (3) frantically moved stone after stone from their collapsed wall, he threw the stones over his shoulder leaving a large pile of rubble surrounding them. Finally reaching Bito (4) he dug even faster and pulled his brother out. "What is that?" He stopped and looked at Bito's purple mask, the symbols were lighting up and spinning. "Bito," he called out to his brother, " Bito wake up!" He slowly reached out to the mask's edge but burned his finger on it. Jolting back and yelping in pain he dropped his brother back into the snug spot he found him in, the front door kicked in and a small figure blocked the light coming from flames outside, the brother spun around and pointed a finger-gun with one hand while he held his burnt fingertips behind his back.  “Get away! If you touch my brother I’ll shoot you!” The child’s hand trembled as the person stepped closer, bright beams shot out from his fingertip towards the stranger but missed as a result of his shaking.

The pale hand slowly pulled out a knife and stepped even closer, the boy shot the person through their shoulder in response, causing them to stand in place. Knife in hand a green aura surrounded Bito in his pit. "They are only seeking out the adults, but You and Bito will be hunted. Make sure Bito stays Alive." The person commanded turning around, out the door frame towards the cried of more children.



10 years later
"Hey Kid, wake up," Tyrael's (5) outline was backed by fluffy white clouds as Bito looked up at him. "You're not dead are you?" Tyrael nudged the boy with his foot and waited for him to move.

"Im Sorry Am I In your way?" Bito groaned half awake beginning to stand up.


Your Bio said Bito was the quiet type to others, and only acts casual to those he knows but here he seems timid a nervous just a small note


"I didn't mean that, I mean you're a sitting target out here in the open," Tyrael picked up two shiny apples and cleaned them on his robe, " Somebody will steal your food if you're not vigilant," reaching out his hand, Bito grabbed it and was yanked up.  ' What's your name?"

"My name is Bito, what's yours?" Bito asked on his feet fixing his mask and small bag, he pulled his hood over his mess of hair and waited for Tyrael's response.
 
Tyrael inspected Bito before finally responding, " The Name is Tyrael of the Noble Hawk Family. Where did you get a fancy mask like that, young Bito?"

"I've always had it..." Bito answered reflexively, “It’s all I really need, well I and food I suppose,” he admitted finally reaching out to grab the juicy apples.

“Well it's quite impressive, remember to take care of yourself and that flashy mask.” Tyrael helped the boy dust himself off, and then kept walking through the broken home Bito was laying next to. “This is my house so don't be bringing trouble around here, understand?” 

“Yes Sir,” Bito stated with respect and then turne  into the busy streets. They were mostly dirt and debris, but many stands offered colorful distractions by demanding the attention of any passerby. Bito strolled through the streets inspecting the merchandise that was being displayed, weapons, books filled with spells and techniques being demonstrated, and a diverse selection of food from across the Dimensions. One stand in particular, it advertised their signature “Spiciest Dish in the 6 Dimensions”,  and caught Bito’s attention.

“Excuse me, how much is a dish?” Bito asked behind his mask, reaching into his pocket.

“Hey Boss! The Bito kid wants to know how much a meal is for him!” The teenage looking merchant shouted back at the man preparing food.

“His meals free, In fact I got it right here.” Chef Bravo (6) walked over with a fresh plate and handed it to Bito, just as Bito was going to grab it the Chef threw it all on the dirt ground. “ Damn kid, get lost.”

bit of a odd way to waste food to just insult a kid he dislikes, also why is he hostile it is not like Bito told them he was broke or will work off the meal, just a odd way to insult someone who could have been a customer even if they knew his Past self he gave no aggressive approach


Bito did as commanded and turned, slowly putting his head down he sighed as he watched people look away from the scene.

Did Bito's personality change? he seems very timid and unsure of himself if you have then all is good^^

“That’s Enough Bravo, You know Bito doesn't remember anything, in fact he’s a changed soul aint that right?!” Sheriff Degan (7) laughed as he dropped a heavy arm on Bito’s shoulders, “Now fetch me up a plate seeing all this food going to waste makes me hungry!” Degan obviously winked at Bito.
“Yes Sheriff,” Chef Bravo grunted and began preparing another meal.
“How you been Bito?” Degan smiled at Bito, his white teeth and slight stubble created a smile underneath his hat, Bito could hear women gasping and talking about Degan, “Don't mind them I'm just a little popular.”


“I’ve been the same, I was going to go feed the cats by the river some fish,” Bito answered from behind his mask.


If Bito can catch fish why does he need to buy food at all?


“Yeah I let Razis ( 8 ) know so if he gives you any trouble be sure to let me know,” The Sheriff tipped his hat at the Chef as he reached for his plate, “Thank you Sir.” Taking a single bite the chef began exclaiming in pleasure, “Spiciest Dish in the 6 Dimensions! Best batch so far Chef!”


what does feeding cats have to do with the trading and Razis?


“Thank you Sheriff I actually had the Kitchen Pewee make the sauce this time.”
“Well Both of you got my seal of approval!” He laughed and took off his hat to fan his face, “Here Bito help me out boy,” Exclaiming again the sheriff happily wiped the sweat off his forehead and nose.
Bito lifted his mask just enough to take bites of the meal, “This Spicy Goodness,” Bito stated eating more and more of the meal, “Thank you so much Chef!” 
“Whatever Kid,” Chef Bravo turned and continued making food for his other customers.
“Say Bito you mind doing a small favor for me?” Degan asked Bito, who was still eating
“Sure Degan, What you need?” Bito answered with a mouthful of food while handing the plate back to the Sheriff.
” I kinda used up all my bullets during target practice with some kids, mind asking Vulcana (9)  if she can make some for me?” Degan took more food into his mouth and turned to look at Bito happily.

“Thanks! I got reports of some of the forest critters stirring up lately so I want to be sure I’m not caught with my pants down!” He laughed and finished off the plate before handing it back to the teenage Kitchen Pewee, “Thank you Son,” Degan fixed his clothes and had then turned to look at Bito, “ She should be at her workshop as always, that woman is a maniac about steelwork,” reaching into his pocket he pulled out an outstanding red and yellow gem, it looked glorious in his palm before Degan quickly shoved into Bito’s, “ Give this to her as a gift for me won’t you?” He winked.
“Where did you even get this? Its incredible!” Bito glared at it in his palms.
“Yeah well careful with it, don't let anybody even see it, can you manage that?” Degan asked worried he had to put the gem away again,” You familiar with the shortcuts around town?”
“Yeah I think I'm getting the hang of it, it's much easier when you can jump over everything though,” Bito used his hands to show jumping over an object.
“Too old for that now,” Degan laughed, “ Hey thanks again Bito!” Degan turned around towards the food stand again, signaling Bito should leave.
Bito began his journey by ducking into the closest alleyway, making sure his hood was set he jumped up on empty crates and debris, grabbing a ledge and lifting himself up over it. Running he kicked off a side wall and pulled himself even high up in the complex but rotting structures.

All of them were damaged, either scorched or looted and defaced with graffiti. Bito disregarded the rest of the world as he jumped off a ledge and catching himself on poles designed to dry clothes, he quickly swung bar to bar and rolled onto another rooftop, turning around he saw families on other rooftops sharing meals or  living on the hot dirty roofs. Looking down he saw more children laughing and running around with dirty clothes following him,   he spotted a broken tower and aimed for it as he reached the wooden hand rails and dropped on the platform before rolling onto the ground.
“That’s so cool!” The biggest child exclaimed, Bitp walked over to them and gave them high fives and fist-bumps as they showed off their rolling skills to him.

“It’s been well over a year and he has been nothing but a kind soul,” Degan reminded Bravo, “I know he helped cause terrible damage to the village, but he’s trying. “Who knows maybe he can be in the Knight Watch (10) , then he can help out from the shadows,”

If Bito was a terror as recent as last year wouldn't these kids remember and be horrified by him?

“Give him all the responsibility you think is wise,  I’m not changing how I treat the punk, I just don't want to see him.” Chef Bravo responded angrily, “Savior from Below, what a load of crap.”
“Stubborn as always Bravo, fine I’ll see what I can arrange, just leave him alone for now,” Degan responded seriously, “How have the animals been?”

“They’re even more vicious than before Degan, things are getting worse.” Chef Bravo responded lowly.
“Thank you Chef,” Degan tipped his hat and nodded his head, before walking away and greeting the admiring village children.

“Excuse me, Chief Vulcana!” A young apprentice addressed a woman, “You have somebody who wishes to speak to you!” Bowing her head she waited for her elders response.

“Thank you Marisol, carry on.” Vulcana thanked the girl genuinely, “Make sure you’re staying hydrated, and give the others a break. It’s a hot one today aint it?” She stood up and walked over to the two from her smelting station and bench.

“Yes ma’am!”  Marison responded before turning to step out of the stone hut, but hesitated as she stared at Bito for a few moments.

“Something wrong?” Vulcana asked in a humourless tone, she placed her arm on Bito and turned her head slightly as she looked at the apprentice.

“No ma’am.” She responded before turning and quickly walking away.
---


Thus far this is far more structured then your last few draphs but its to early to give a full review

If anything Id like to see is something mentioning that this place is the same place as the intro of 10 years ago or a new place, plus how did the village survive?  it seems like the Salamanders had a clear advantage in numbers

and if that was the great event what happened last year that made Bito lose his memory?

if all is about to be mentioned next chapter then all is good^^
-Action