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Author Topic: Killing Fate  (Read 998 times)

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Offline liuxess

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Killing Fate
« on: October 28, 2015, 02:42:32 PM »
Welcome to my 'Killing Fate' project, a story written in a storyboard, describing how a manga made by this would look. I worked once on this, and with the help of other people, their reviews and suggestions, I was able to update it to, as I see, almost it's full potential.

Genres: shonen, humor, mystery, supernatural, action-adventure, dark.

So as I see it, before every chapter, there would be a page or two, telling some backstory or information that would not be displayed in manga, but that would give the reader a better understanding of characters and what is going around outside the scene, so they could get more immersed into the story.

The backstory of chapter 1 is also a bit of synopsis.

So,  here's the backstory for Chapter 1:



Spoiler

There was a small island near Madagascar. It didn't have a big population, maybe 6 or 7 families only lived there.

One day, a small meteorite hit the island, causing an explosion, and killing off everybody on it, except for 3 eight years old boys.

One of them was found by a cruise ship in Arabian Sea. They took him in, and helped him recover. The boy had a sword, but did not want to let other people have it

When the ship reached the coast, it was empty, every single passenger was killed with a sharp weapon, the boy's sword.

The boy travelled to Scandinavia, killing innocent people on his way. People started to call him the 'Tentacle' because he was a mysterious killer, who couldn't be stopped by armies.

In Norway, using his powers, he created his  empire, and became a rich king.

The second boy awoke in Mozambique. He also had a sword. Filled with rage that he lost his father, he decide to clear the world of criminals and other evildoers so that noone would be hurt again. But he attracted the police's attention, so he was forced to kill even the good people who were after him. Following such events, he decided that he is above law, and that anyone who goes against him should die too. People called him the second killer, 'Vulcano' because it is said that his anger is unstoppable.

The third boy, our main hero, awoke in Australia. He had a sword with with him, but didn't want to keep it. He left it at the beach where he awoke, however the next morning the same sword appeared near his bed. No matter what he would do, the sword would come back to the boy in the morning.

An Australian family found him crying over his fate. They found out that the boy had lost his memory and had black eyes with red middles. They adopted him and took to their village.

But the children were mean to the boy, they would laugh at his red eyes and his amnesia.

One day, filled with anger, he killed the whole village. Scared of his own abilities, he started living a wild life, killing farm animals for meat. But fate was cruel to him, as he would lose consciousness and wake up in piles of blood. People called him the killing 'Bird', as no one knew where he would strike next. As Bird moved to central Asia while hunting for food, he noticed that words have appeared on his sword: "Killing - Killer's Fate"




 Chapter 1: "The first encounter":

Spoiler

1 page, 5 panels (2-2-1)



panel 1 Narration: You think your life is hard? Then just look at me... Picture:A boy's silhouette with a sword is shown standing on a mountain against the sunset in the sea.



 Panel 2: Narration: For the past 3 years I've been killing people everywhere I go...  Picture: The inside of someone's house, there's blood everywhere, a broken window and a dead grown up man with slash marks and an arm's biceps bitten off.



Panel 3: Narration: Sometimes to survive... Sometimes for My Own Pleasure... picture: the boy's face is shown and his sword held against it. The face has a little cut in it, blood is dripping. The hair is black and short. Eyes are red, while the rest of the eyeball is black (Could be painted grey and black). You can barely see a smile on his lips. The sword has some words written in red color: "Killing- Ki"  and you can't see the rest.



panel 4 Narration: This is my fate as a killer... My...  Picture: the sword is piercing through a human's. body, blood is spilling everywhere. You can see the Great China wall in the background. Now the whole sign on the sword is shown: "Killing - Killer's Fate"



Panel 5: there is a text on a grey background: "Killing Fate". The "Kill" And "Fa" parts are white, while "Ing" and "te" ar black. There are three black swords stuck in the letter F, and you can see a somekind of a six-armed human with six swords behind Ing part. Only a part of his chest, parts of his legs and arms with swords can be seen, 70% of the body is hidden.



Page two, 5 panels (1-2-2)

panel 1 
Narration: Somewhere East. There is a riverside forest shown, and in the background you can see a Volcano. There's also a campfire on the grass, some bones.



Panel 2 The bones are showed from a closer view. It's an Ox's head, an uncooked porkchop and a snake's skeleton with some flesh still on it. Sfx show that the river's flow is heard (don't know what's the sound people use in English to describe it)



Panel 3: A bloody hand with blood dripping from it is shown. Trees in the background. Sfx: deep breathing and river's flow



Panel 4 (Is in the top left corner of Panel 5): A boy's face with blood on it is looking at something sadly. He says: "Oh are you dead already? But you were acting so badass..."



Panel 5: The boy is ducking near a dead man who has an open wound in his stomach. Rhe man's right arm is cut off, laying near him, there's a pistol in it's hand. The boy is licking the dripping blood from his own hand saying: "Well, I guess people do die if they are killed... poor guy."



Page 3, 6 panels .(1-2-2-1)



 panel 1
: the boy is leaving the dead body. The body is on the right side and the speech bubble on the left "Rest in piece, meatbag " he says. Only above his waist is shown.



panel 2: The boy has returned to his campfire and started cooking his porkchop. He has his sword tied to him. Another dead body can be seen within the woods



panel 3  (Merged with Panel 2 from the left): A Sniper with a gun is shown hiding in the forest and aiming at someone. Another man is bending near him, you can see a katana tied up to his belt.



panel4 (Merged with panel 5): The sniper says "target locked"



panel 5 : The other one's face is shown as he replies : "Shoot the target within 3... 2..."



panel6 There's a speech bubble dragged from panel 5 saying : "1 " A shot bullet flying through the air from the gun is shown. The gun covers half of the sniper's face



Page 4, 5 panels (2-1-2)



Panel 1
: 3/4 of a strip, merged with panel 2. The boy is shown from the right. You can see the bullet going through the boy's chest.



Panel 2.  1/4 of the strip. Shows the katana wielder shouting "success!"



Panel 3: a strip showing the boy fall down in from the left side behind him.



Panel 4.  Shows the katana wielder and the sniper cheering and high fiving, Sniper is shouting: "The 200 Grand are ours!"



Panel 5:  Shows a maniac's smile on the boy's face. The eyes are still open.



Page 5; 6 panels (2-2-2)



Panel 1:
The view is shown from sniper's lower back. You can see the boy slowly standing up. A revovler with six bullets is tied up to sniper's belt. Two "!" imply that the duo noticed the boy standing up.



Panel 2: a little bigger that Panel 1, merged with panel 4 below it. The sniper pulls out his revolver and the 3 sfx "click(?)" shows that he shot 3 times. Sniper is screaming.



Panel 3: Shows The boy already standing and the shots passing through without any harm, as if the the boy was air. The boy is smiling.



Panel 4: A little larger than Panel 3 , merged with panel 2. Sniper is screaming: "How is that son of a b*tch still alive?!"



Panel 5:  The katana wielder runs out of the woods and pulls out his sword, saying: "My turn then!"



Panel 6:  The angle is from behind of the boy's right shoulder, showing the katana wielder charging for him.



Page 6, 4 panels (1-2-1)



Panel1: Shows a white slash in the black background



Panel2:  You can see the katana wielder slashing through the boy as he was air, without doing any damage,  view from the kid's behind. Since the man is pretty close, you can see that the boy is kinda tall, the size of an average adult, but still shorter than his opponent.



Panel 3:  Shows the horrified wielder's face as he asks : "How?"



Panel 4:  Angle is from infront of the boy, almost from the swordsman's eyes. Shows the boy getting ready to punch "the reader", while saying: "I think it's called... "



Page 7, 3 panels



panel 1:  takes 1/3 of the page, a vertical strip on the left side. Shows the boy hitting the swordsman with an uppercut punch and sending him a little bit into the air, while finishing the sentence from last page: "...Intangibility!"



panel 2 : Shows the swordsman's head as he hits the ground. Blood is comming out of his lower lip. Sfx: bump and speed lines to show the fall.



panel 3 : . Shows the boys foot chrushing the katana wielder's nose. a sfx that implies the nose is broke. Swordsman is unconscious.



Page 8, 4panels.

1 Panel:  Shows the sniper holding his revovler with fear, ready to shoot the boy and asking: "Who... who are you?!"



Panel 2:  The boy's sad face is shown as he answers: "I'm little Bird, who has broken out of the egg."



Panel 3:  merged into panel 4 on it's top right corner. Shows the sniper screaming: "Ghwaaa!!!" as a sign of him being angry, as he shoots three times.



Panel 4:  takes 2/3 of the page together with panel 3, Shows Bird standing on swordsman's face, while the bullets pass through him.



Page 9. 4 panels:



Panel 1:  shows the sniper falling on his knees frightened, as the gun slips out of his hand. He says: "Oh fu*k me..."



Panel 2: Shows Bird's front face view. The boy is smiling as he answers: "You know... "



Panel 3:  a view from the ground how Bird takes out his sword and puts it on the swordsman's face, between the eyes. he finishes his words from the last panel: "You're fu*ked already..."



Panel 4:  Profile view. Shows how Bird pushes his sword through.



Panel 10, 4 panels: 



panel 1: shows how Bird takes his sword out, doesn't show below his waist. A speech bubble shows that someone is talking: "Birds are meant to be free..."



Panel 2:  Shows the sniper's terrified and surprised face, as someone continues talking: "They have beautiful feathers and voices..."



Panel 3 : A black eye with a red pupil is shown, with some white strings of hair falling on it, as someone continues to speak:"Their wings let them to fly high and unrestricted..."



Panel 4:  Black words on a white background are shown: "But I can burn them down."



Page 11, 6 panels

panel 1: 
This panel is seperated to two triangles by a slash. One triangle shows Bird's face, the other - sniper's face as they both notice something in the sky.



Panel 2:  A far Side view. A huge amount of birds flying straight down are shown. Not any specific species of birds, but different ones mixed all up together. Sniper is right below them.



Panel 3: Profile view. shows how suddenly all birds have attacked the sniper. There are so many, that not a part of him can be seen. Sfx that implies biting.



Panel 4:  All of the birds run off like chicken, leaving a Bloody sniper standing, with his skin torn off.



Panel 5: profile view of sniper falling down dead



Panel 6:  Shows someone's foot stepping on sniper's head.



Page 12, 1 panel.  Shows a a really muscular boy standing with one foot on sniper's head. Sniper looks dead. The boy is wearing only pants and shoes, nothing on his tops. He is very strong, has a body of a weight lifter. Has white hair, that hasn't been cut in half a year or so. His head is lowered, hair covers his face so it can't be seen. He's holding a sword in his right hand. There are some letters on it, but too small to read.



Page 13, 4 panels



 panel 1: 
Bird's confused face is shown. He asks: "And you're supposed to be?"



Panel 2:  The other boy's face is shown, as he lifts his head a little. Now his black eye with the red midle can be sefm. He answers: "I'm the erupting Volcano. But you will know me as your killer"



Panel 3:  a strip showing the profile of Bird from the right, as he lifts his sword against his opponent. "Killing - Killer's fate"  can be seen written on the sword. Bird says: "Hah. Like that's an original line."



Panel 4:  a strip showing the Volcano's profile from the left, as he lifts his sword against his opponent. Words can be seen on his sword: "Killing gets rid of evil ". Volcano says: "Sorry, came to kill, not to play."



Page 14, 5 panels



Panel 1:
Bird's face's profile is shown, he's thinking: "Volcano? He's the second killer... His face also reminds me of something, but I can't figure out what!"

Panel 2: Volcano's profile with his face. He's thinking: "Well, he changed less than both of us, huh... He's still a free-spirited child. A child, That I will..."



Panel 3: Profile view. Shows Volcano charging out for Bird as he finishes his thought: "...KILL!"



Panel 4: A strip. Volcano tries to cut Bird in half, but he avoids it by doing a frontflip over Volcano.



Page 15, 4 panels:



 panel 1: 
a view from the behind of Bird as Volcano and Bird are turning back to each other.



Panel 2:  Volcano swings his sword but Bird shapeshifts into a small ball.



Panel 3:  Volcano's sword stays in the same place as the ball flies behind him, implying ball's insane speed.



Page 16, 4 panels



panel 1:
Bird turns back into human from the ball form behind Volcano, ready to swing his sword. A "!" near Volcano's head implies that he understood what happened.



panel 2: Volcano is able to swing his sword backwards to block Bird's attack without looking. A sfx that shows two swords hitting each other.



Panel3:  A really backed up view. Bird jumps back with a long backflip. He is saying: "Why are you..."



Panel 4: Bird is standing, looking at Volcano, finishing his sentence: "...attacking me? You don't look like those people who go after the bounty?



Page 17, 5 panels



 Panel 1:
A crazy smile is shown on Volcano's face. "You mean you don't know? " he says



Panel2 : Bird is confused. He replies: "Don't know what?"



Panel 3: Volcano laughs: "You fool! Did you forget about us?! Did you think that only you got powers?"



Panel4 : Front view of Volcano holding his sword against 'the reader' is shown. His hair covers his right eye, and the left one is widened like a maniac's. He says: "Well let me enlighten you..."



Panel 5: A strip. Three swords are shown. One is Bird's with the text, second is Volcano's, the text can be seen too. The third one has text too, but it's blurred out. Volcano is the 'narrator' of this page as his words can be seen around the swords: "You are the Third Killer, Bird. You are known to the world as the weakest killer of all, that's why you still have a bounty on you" "The second killer is me, Volcano. I punish people for their evil deeds, that's why everyone is afraid of me" "The first killer is Tentacle, he's held the most powerful one. And only because he used his powers to create an empire!"



Page 18, panels



Panel 1: 
1/6 of the page. Volcano's profile, as he continues his speech: "It's the swords, which we received after the meteorite crash, that give us powers! That's why I came to take yours!"



Panel 2:  1/6 of the page. A profile of Confused Bird as he asks: "What meteorite crash... What are you rambling about?"



Panel 3; in a top left corner of panel 4 The Volcano's face is shown as he holds his sword against his eyes. he says: "Explanations are meaningless. Now, God, I call upon you"



Panel 4:  Shows a view from a 2 meters[6feet] high, to the right from in front of Volcano (the longest view I’ve ever wrote). Shows half of Volcano’s body and a new man that appeared from nowhere behind him. Volcano is looking back, at the peron, smiling. The person asks: “What is your wish? ” and Volcano replies: "I want my enemies to lose their powers "



Page 19, 5 panels



1 panel:  a strip, showing how Volcano and Bird are standing against each other. The man is nowhere to be seen anymore. A speech bubble in the middle: "Your wish is granted"



Panel2:  Bird's confused profile. He asks: "What was that all about?"



Panel 3:  Volcano's giggling profile, as he answers: "One of my powers is to summon a God so that he would grant my wish for one hour..."



Panel 4:  Front view of Volcano half of his face is shaded,"While my other power is..."

panel 5: Volcano is shown getting ready to attack. Wild animals gathering can be seen in the background. Volcano's speech bubble pops out of the panel: "To control all living animals…”



Page 20/21, a panel in 2 pages.  Shows a huge amount of animals gathering around Bird from a bird’s view. Volcano finises his sentence: “in a half kilometre's radius!"



Page 22, 1 panel: Bird and Volcano are showed standing, they're separated by a slash "/". Volcano laughs at Bird: "So little Bird, What are you going to do without your wings?!" . Bird is grinning. Angry Animals and birds can be seen in both backgrounds.



Page 23, 4 panels



 panel 1: 
Front view of Bird, doesn't go below his waist. Bird is looking at Volcano confused, as he replies: "I'm actually wondering..."



Panel 2: Shows Bird's face a from the right side (not a profile picture). Bird smiles and finishes his last sentence: "... How are you going to defeat me?"



Panel 3:  Shows Volcano with a confused smile. He says: "Are you stupid?  You lost your powers, but I still have mine! These animals will tear you apart!"



Panel 4 : Bird raises his sword and points to Volcano. "Yes,  I lost my powers" he's  says, and in the next bubble: "But my sword did not!"



Page 24, 5 panels



Panel 1:  Shows shocked and frightened Volcano's eyes.



Panel2: Volcano throws his hand in the air and shouts: "Kill him!"



Panel 3:  Shows from a 'worm's' perspective as animals jump on Bird.



Panel 4:  A side view how animals bump to each other, because Bird turned into a ball and charged into Volcano (speed lines show the flying)



Panel 5:  Bird turns back to human infront of Volcano and they both swing their swords to each other (swinging shown by speed lines). Bird is saying: "Looks like this..."



Page 25, 4 panels



panel 1: 
1/6 of the page Seperated in two by a slash "\". In the left one there is Bird's eye, in the right one - Volcano's. It gives an impression that eyes are looking directly into each other.



Panel 2: 1/6 of the page Shows Bird's and Volcano's swords heading for each other, a moment from hitting.



Panel 3:  Bird goes intangible and goes through Volcano, who is surprised that the swords didn't hit.



Panel 4:  Bird turn around behind Volcano, swinging his sword. Volcano is still confused about what happened. Bird finishes his sentence: "...Was your last mistake Volcano!"



Page 24, 3 panels



panel 1: 
Profile view, a strip taking half of the page. Volcano takes a step forward trying to dodge the attack, but his lower back is still slashed. Blood is dripping.



Panel 2:  Profile view: Shows Bird's face and body above the waist, just after the slash and the serious look he has. Drops of blood are flying in the air (no speed lines, to make the time look stopped)



Panel 3:  Profile view. Shows Volcano falling and his mouth open for a scream. Blood drops are flying. Again, no speed lines to make the time look stopped.



Page 25, 3 panels.



panel 1: 
1/3 of the page. Shows Volcano lying on the ground from Bird's view. The wound on his back is long but not wide, blood is coming out. The backbone is cut too. Inside censored by dark color.



Panel 2: Front view as Bird raises his sword saying: "You're just a mountain, not a volcano"



Panel 3:  Front view of Volcano's face as his eyes widen in anger.



Page 26,



1 panel: 
The view is backed up behind Bird and a little to the right, showing how a huge wave of birds cover up Volcano's body and everything around it, including half of Bird's body. Bird is surprised.



Page 27, 4 panels:



 Panel 1:
birds fly away in the same huge wave, but Volcano's body cannot be seen anymore.



Panel 2 : Shows us right behind Bird, as he's watching the birds flying away. Words are shown on a whote background in the corner: "I will be back Bird!"



Panel 3: Shows front view of Bird's face, as he's still watching the birds. The words on a white background continue: "And I'll be back stronger! ". As an answer to that, Bird says: "Don't hope on me just sitting here and waiting"



Panel 4:  This panel is cut into two: one side shows the right half of a serious Bird's face and the other one shows the left half of Volcano's angry face, merging these two halfs into 'one'.



Page 28, 3 panels.



 panel 1
: Shows Bird as he's eating something. He's thinking: "Volcano will want revenge and with that wish of his, I will be defeated"



panel 2:  Bird is cleaning his sword in the river. His thoughts are shown again: "The only way for me to defeat him, is to find this Tentacle guy. Volcano won't be able to defeat both of us!"



Panel3 :  a strip with narration: "You think your life is hard? Well, just look at what I'm going to face..." . A castle with 8 towers is shown somewhere in a snowland.

Feel free to leave a review, a suggestion or anything really. Just knowing that someone got the intererest to read this already feels like a compliment.
I don't create stories, I relive them ;)
I'm in development of one right now, so please check it out:
 http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,15050.0.html
If you want me to check out YOUR story,  just PM me.

Offline ldbr18

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Re: Killing Fate
« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2015, 10:24:33 PM »
I started by reading the background for chapter one. It still holds mystery because we don't know what caused the explosion.  From the background however the one whose nickname was a bit more clear was Vulcano as you said he had uncontrollable anger. The other two maybe give a little more description that ties better into the nicknames.

I'll be hones about the chapter as a whole. I think the detailed-description is awesome from an artist perspective because they know exactly what you want frame by frame, however, from a reader I spent most of my time trying to draw the manga as a whole in my head that I would overlook the story aspect.

In my opinion at least so people can give you advise on the story maybe make a second copy and just give slight descriptions of the scenery and such that way people are more focused on the story.

From what I did read it looks like it was interesting.

Offline pbd33

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Re: Killing Fate
« Reply #2 on: October 31, 2015, 04:50:10 AM »
like said above, i think that for the story, you should change the presentation for readers. The way you imagine it as a manga is really good, especially for when you'll work with an illustrator, but for us to judge the contents of what we read, we need it in a simpler way i think :)
The summary is interesting although it's sad so many people get slaughtered ^^ but your idea might prove to be interesting. Also, what is your whole idea for your developpement? what will happen? i don't mind spoilers, i'd like to grasp your concept

Offline liuxess

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Re: Killing Fate
« Reply #3 on: October 31, 2015, 04:53:13 PM »
Thanks for reading and enjoying.

Well, when I started planning it out, or should I say, panneling it out, I did notice that the description might take a little off of the immersion into the story, but I hoped that the readers here would get easily used to it, as I'm a lazy person and doing it both ways is just tedious and doesn't seem to bring any better results.

BUT, if you guys believe that it will make you easier to get into the story, and maybe easier to give advice, or rise questions about it, I might consider it.

I have almost finished chapter 2 in the panel form and am polishing it up. I'll post it to see, if it's any easier to read when you get used to it.

As for the future of the story, it revolves around Bird understanding what being a true human is like, seeing the terror that his killing brings to the world, and decides that the only way for him to do that, is to actually kill Tentacle and Volcano. But it is not an easy task, as not only Tentacle and Volcano team up against Bird, but new enemies arise, who are also seeking for the powers of the swords. In the middle of the chaos, Bird has to force himself to kill people, but not fall into the darkness that the sword is pushing onto his soul.
I don't create stories, I relive them ;)
I'm in development of one right now, so please check it out:
 http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,15050.0.html
If you want me to check out YOUR story,  just PM me.

Offline Funkermonster

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Re: Killing Fate
« Reply #4 on: November 01, 2015, 03:38:22 AM »
My 2 cents:

First off on the backstory thing, you might not agree with this most people would advise against having a backstory in the first scene or chapter of any story and its generally accepted as a bad idea. By doing that, you're essentially dumping a truckload of information before the story actually starts, which I think is more likely to bore your readers and  make them lose interest than to "immerse" them in it. We don't really need said informtion dump to be able to understand your story, we can learn things ourselves by getting to know the characters and the atmosphere gradually, and some of us prefer a mystery and would like to figure out the puzzle you present us (some people would even be fine without a backstory in the entire book). Its your choise, but if you intend to have one at the start of every chapter I envision it doing more harm than good, personally, and I think it would be a much better idea to just immediately give us the goals of what the characters after and set a mood, feeling,  and sensation in the first chapter or synopsis. If you really feel the need to have some backstory bits, I'd only recommend doing it in 1-2 lines of little info (preferrably done through dialouge, imo).

As for the backstory itself, I find a few things in it rather confusing and have a few questions and concerns about that. You don't necessarily have to answer most of these (if any of them at all) since I presume that the answers will come in the chapters and that you've already planned them, but just in case you haven't, I do think that it might help if you think about them as you write and develop it.

1. The meteorite killed all but 3 8-year olds on the island? How did they survive but not everyone else?

2. The first boy killed the boat passengers who rescued him, innocents in Scandanavia, AND battled their armies? Why? What's his motive for these murderous rampages? If you're going to make a villain, you gotta give them a reason for why they commit the crimes they do, or else you'll leave them pretty flat and kind of uninteresting. He became a rich king in Norway "using his powers"? too, what powers exactly does he have? How long did it take him to get to Scandinavia from Madagascar and then onto Norway (and maybe it'd help to know what form of transportation he used for that?)? I also am slightly puzzled at how he was able to kill all those guys, since the only info given was that he has a sword and implied "powers". I'm assuming the sword he carries is just that strong? Or that he might have some other superpowers of sorts to compliment that? It also implies to me that the sword or his supposed powers are what protected him and the other 2 kids from that Madagascan meteorite.....

I also personally wonder how and where the kids got the swords to start with, but I'm sure you're working on that part in the chapters or you probably already what you're gonna do with this part, so its not important. If you're really itching to talk about the backstories really early, I'd say a line or two about this part would be acceptable.

3. The 2nd kid awoke in Mozambique? Again questioning how he got there and how long its been since the meteor episode.  I must admit that I do kinda like the concept of someone who hates all evil, but is forced to fight good that targets him (his personality sounds kinda stereotypical otherwise though, based on that description given about him) but He's also angered by the loss of his father and wants to vanquish all evildoers for that? I thought you said it was the meteorite that wiped out everyone on the island but him and the other 2 kids? I'm assuming this means his father was already dead prior, and that the source of his death was a murderer and not the meteor? Also, if he awoke in Mozambique, I also wonder what made him fall asleep or faint in the first place. Maybe the meteorite did harm him to an extent and its impact made him pass out or go into a coma or something? And he was magically transported there somehow while he was sleeping through it.

4. The 3rd one sounds a little better written than the other two so I don't have as much to complain about. But if he's the protagonist, maybe give a bit of a better description of what exactly he wants or plan to do now that he can't stop killing and he can't get rid of that sword. I think I can see what his plan is, but I'd still suggest describing it with a better choice of words and put it in the synopsis (not the backstory). I don't mean this as an insult, but I also find his nickname rather weird judging from that description I've seen, as "Bird" isn't really what I'd call specifc since there are soooo many kinds of birds out there and I dunno what his name would have to do with him amnesia, blood, or the killings. Maybe change the nickname (if its a bird, I guess a Raven, Cassowary, or maybe an Owl would suit him closest of all the bird types i can think of from the top of my head) or modify his past a bit to match said name. Maybe he has some bird-like traits, powers, or he looks like a bird? Tentacles for the first kid sounds like a slightly odd name too, since I don't really know enough about him yet to know how he relates to said name.

I have to go to bed now so I can't comment on the actual chapters atm, but I'll come back later in the afternoon and see what's up. For now, all I can really say for the most part as that I personally and highly recommend against going for the early backstory, can't really provide a true critique just from this. Aside from that, these are mostly just things to think about to avoid plotholes or stuff like that or maybe just me being confused or crazy, and I imagine that the answers'll come along the way through the story itself and you probably already know what you're doing and how you're going to work around these. As long as you can
« Last Edit: November 01, 2015, 04:06:59 AM by Funkermonster »

Offline liuxess

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Re: Killing Fate
« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2015, 04:20:15 AM »
As much as I don't want to, I have to agree with you.
If the reader wants a manga, walls of text will bore them.
So I might just do this background thing as a synopsis, adding a little more to it, and taking out some parts so I can add them as background in the future chapters.

Now with your first question you actually pointed out my mistake. I should have mentioned it in some way in the synopsis, but the meteor was meant to strike down the island with the three boys, as they were destined to receive those swords, which cam along with the meteorite. This is why only they survived and had the swords with them.

Your second question:
The boy's sword gives him the power to control all elements. Having strong mental power and being a natural born genius, he is able to maximize the potential of this power. And since there's a lot of snow (water), in Norway, he uses it as his main weapon. Doesn't matter how big an army is, if it gets crushed by a thick layer of snow, there's hardly any chance they'll survive. Of course it wasn't done all in one year.

The third question:
Well, if an meteor hits an island and causes an explosion, I don't really think eight year old bodies would be able not to lose consciousness even if they survived. An since the island was gone, the kids would be left in ocean, for waves to carry them. As for the father - he is an eight year old boy. He doesn't have anything specifically against criminals, he just believes that they are the root of evil, and wants to dispose of it.

Thans for the review, I have to rethink now what I want to put inside the synopsis and what to write in the background.
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