February 24, 2024, 03:32:20 PM

------------------------------------------

If you have Login Problems Use the Login in Top Menu Bar


------------------------------------------
If you have a problem registering here, Leave a msg at our FB Page >> Here.

Plz Don't use Hotmail to Register. You might not receive Activation mail. Use Other free mail provider like Gmail or Yahoo.






Author Topic: Dance of Enb  (Read 2190 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline IamKeria

  • Fear YAH and Work with Faith
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 159
  • Gender: Female
  • Stay Humble
    • View Profile
Dance of Enb
« on: July 13, 2015, 09:03:15 PM »
Dance of Enb

Genre: War, Tragedy, Kidnapping, Martial Arts, Sci-Fi
Status: Ongoing

Description: Bonjan Kè a successful herbalist who lives in a small town known for it’s great medicine and herb fields. The town sits between two warring kingdoms. Because of a promise that was made hundreds of years ago, the town haven’t been touched. However, everything changes as the new generation of Kings take the thrones as one of the kingdoms attacks the town. “All I wanted was to live a life peacefully with my family, my people, my way….but I was being selfish, I should have listen to my father when he said the day would come. Now I have to Dance with my brothers...the Dance of Enb.”


Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four

Offline MK

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1347
  • I like to draw
    • View Profile
Re: A Humble's Man Pain
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2015, 09:55:42 PM »
Not very used to the Haitian Creole, glad I looked at notes first otherwise I would of been completely lost.  I can definitely see this building up but there was much of an attention grabber.  Btw I really liked the

 "If a man spits in your face, say thank you, if a man punch you, slaps you, even stabs you, you look at him with these same eyes as your father and say I appreciate your resentment. But...if the people you love, the innocent, the weak, who's neck is bound by a man hands who wish to do them harm, even if that man is your friend you let the rage out of your eyes and protect them. Protect them. Even if you have to take their place of death, you protect them"

A bit lengthy but pretty good line there

Offline IamKeria

  • Fear YAH and Work with Faith
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 159
  • Gender: Female
  • Stay Humble
    • View Profile
Re: A Humble's Man Pain
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2015, 10:11:45 PM »
Not very used to the Haitian Creole, glad I looked at notes first otherwise I would of been completely lost.  I can definitely see this building up but there was much of an attention grabber.  Btw I really liked the

 "If a man spits in your face, say thank you, if a man punch you, slaps you, even stabs you, you look at him with these same eyes as your father and say I appreciate your resentment. But...if the people you love, the innocent, the weak, who's neck is bound by a man hands who wish to do them harm, even if that man is your friend you let the rage out of your eyes and protect them. Protect them. Even if you have to take their place of death, you protect them"

A bit lengthy but pretty good line there

Thanks for your feedback. There was going to be more to it in this chapter but I decided to cut it off there. What I am trying to do in the first chapter is show what kind of person is Bonjan Kè is right off the bat also the connection he has with his family.
I should move that note to the top.

Offline Flames

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 164
  • Gender: Male
    • View Profile
Re: A Humble's Man Pain
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2016, 08:22:18 PM »
Hey! I read both chapters and I added some minor edits here and there leave them or taking them is up to you! It's mostly some grammar things I picked up while reading.

So, let me start off by saying, i'm way more lenient on stories than most people. As in things may not bother me so much when reading something. Some other people might be turned off by certain factors compared to others

I enjoyed it to an extent of the herbalism shops and him wanted to expand, but sometimes was confused by who exactly was speaking at given times. That could just be a visual thing, since there is no space between lines etc, maybe try a different font size,spacing etc. That and some weird factors in the story.

After reading the first two, I still have questions about the SCI-FI part of it. I saw that there's some form of technology, the water gun,well button, and the robotic things running about. How does this technology play into the Herbalism/Farmer aspect on a grand scale? I don't see a point to it just yet in terms of the story. Is it that the neighboring countries have far more advanced technology or something? And that the people in the middle are forced to do basically "hard labor"? Or is it the New generation"Tech" wants to be forced upon the people who want things to remain old fashioned, and acquired said tools etc. Not sure if the 3 diamonds have something to do with it, but it seems it was just put there. Since the Calvary that attacks are just using sword's and bows, and the farmer's have pressurized water guns etc.

I think you have a lot of genres mixed in it might create inconsistency. Like, Martial arts- Sci-fi, Doesn't really mix with Herbalism and such. Now this being said, is Herbalism going to take a back pedal? From reading it wouldn't seem this would be the case since you do mostly talk about herbs and plants etc. and how they help people who are hurt. In these chapters Herbalism would be the main idea, in which case, is it forgotten later on?

Since Sci-Fi is about more on future tech and such, Herbalism would take a backseat if you think about it. Since, if its so advanced they would have better means to farm herbs etc. Plus if they have some super ship, just speculating of course, how would martial arts play into that.

Not sure if you'll get what i'm saying but yeah. I cant commentate on anything more since there was only two chapters, but that's my first initial impression on it. If you want to know if people would read past it, I'm not too sure others will. I think you need to structure it enough to make your ideas of the overall story more apparent to readers.

Of course, you can ignore everything I said and feel what is best for you, I'm not perfect in any means.
Message me for any assistance you need! I'd be glad to help.

Offline IamKeria

  • Fear YAH and Work with Faith
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 159
  • Gender: Female
  • Stay Humble
    • View Profile
Re: A Humble's Man Pain
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2016, 10:13:28 PM »
Thank you for taking the time to read my story. This page has the original story but It change a bit and change the style of it to post to Wattpad. I could have kept it, but I didn't wanna lol. Oh yeah and some of those grammatical errors you suggested, I see you change some things to past tense. I was speaking in present tense. So the add "-ed" wasn't needed. But here is my response. 


Hey! I read both chapters and I added some minor edits here and there leave them or taking them is up to you! It's mostly some grammar things I picked up while reading.

So, let me start off by saying, i'm way more lenient on stories than most people. As in things may not bother me so much when reading something. Some other people might be turned off by certain factors compared to others


Spoiler
Quote
I enjoyed it to an extent of the herbalism shops and him wanted to expand, but sometimes was confused by who exactly was speaking at given times. That could just be a visual thing, since there is no space between lines etc, maybe try a different font size,spacing etc. That and some weird factors in the story.

Okay. I can add spacing bold when people are speaking.


Spoiler
Quote
After reading the first two, I still have questions about the SCI-FI part of it. I saw that there's some form of technology, the water gun,well button, and the robotic things running about. How does this technology play into the Herbalism/Farmer aspect on a grand scale?

This story is meant for you to ask questions such as that. As you can tell from the genre of it there is a pretty weird mixture going on, at least I think it's a weird mixture. Also as you read on you will begin to see exactly how it plays a role in it. The Sci-Fi here is that the technology that they poses is just coming to fruition or I should say coming back to fruition  ;) ;) ;) ;)

Spoiler
Quote
I don't see a point to it just yet in terms of the story. Is it that the neighboring countries have far more advanced technology or something? And that the people in the middle are forced to do basically "hard labor"? Or is it the New generation"Tech" wants to be forced upon the people who want things to remain old fashioned, and acquired said tools etc.


Great! You're asking the right questions. Keep reading and you shall find out. But I will say this, as hinted above there are some old tech that will come into play linking the store full circle. There are different elements of the story that will come into one big understanding.

Spoiler
Quote
Not sure if the 3 diamonds have something to do with it, but it seems it was just put there. Since the Calvary that attacks are just using sword's and bows, and the farmer's have pressurized water guns etc.

It has evvveerrrryyything to do with it. Remember these two words "back story" or is it one word? "backstory". Okay Remember this one word "Backstory" lol. And they aren't diamonds. They are pearls. Oh and like I said before the tech part it's coming to fruition as in it's getting a head start. Butttttt at the same time, it's not. It's old tech that have already been put into play....but you have to keep reading on for that.

Spoiler
Quote
I think you have a lot of genres mixed in it might create inconsistency. Like, Martial arts- Sci-fi, Doesn't really mix with Herbalism and such.

That's what makes the story interesting. It gives you the question in your mind what does Herbs have to do with Martial arts and Sci-fi? Wasn't there an anime or manga with Mechas , Rice and Samurais? Samurai 7?


Spoiler
Quote
Now this being said, is Herbalism going to take a back pedal? From reading it wouldn't seem this would be the case since you do mostly talk about herbs and plants etc. and how they help people who are hurt. In these chapters Herbalism would be the main idea, in which case, is it forgotten later on?

It plays a big role in the story. So no it won't.

Spoiler
Quote
Since Sci-Fi is about more on future tech and such, Herbalism would take a backseat if you think about it. Since, if its so advanced they would have better means to farm herbs etc. Plus if they have some super ship, just speculating of course, how would martial arts play into that.

Well the space ship could always turn into a mech that does super cool martial arts moves a long with gunslinging and samurai wielding mechs. Humanoid cronies that have the specs of ever martial art ever known to man.....wait that sounds like a new story there lol.


Spoiler
Quote
Not sure if you'll get what i'm saying but yeah. I cant commentate on anything more since there was only two chapters, but that's my first initial impression on it. If you want to know if people would read past it, I'm not too sure others will. I think you need to structure it enough to make your ideas of the overall story more apparent to readers.

It starts off slow yes I agree. And there is always this stigma of wanting to grab the readers attention at the first chapter. However, I am not following the status qou on this one. It's like with anime. When It starts out not interesting but then it gets real real real interesting (not saying that my story would to some readers but I hope it would). And those who dropped at the first episode miss out on an awesome anime. Like Class room crisis (I just finished it the other day. I recommend it if you haven't watched yet).


Spoiler
Quote
Of course, you can ignore everything I said and feel what is best for you, I'm not perfect in any means.

You have good points but then again I like my ideas as well. I take heed to the criticism but would like to see how this go. I am planning to put the story on Wattpad once I create an "okay" book cover until i get better enough to create an Awesome one lol. Also I am going to change up this page a bit so you can come directly here to read the story. Just put it on watch for updates on the third and fourt revision of the story.