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Author Topic: Fulfilling A Promise  (Read 1599 times)

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Offline IamKeria

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Fulfilling A Promise
« on: May 22, 2015, 12:33:50 AM »
Hello all. This is my second but first story for this site I am working on. I am also looking to develop it in a manga. Please give me your honest feedback on the story. It would really help me out in future works.

Note: This is an ongoing story. There may be changes to it after I completed it.


Type of genre: Fantasy, War, Drama, Tragedy, Supernatural, (possible Romance)




Spoiler
"Look for the five with the Barooch Avah marks to fulfill the promise". "Who's voice is that? Yiskah, a young girl who hears a voice that seems that she can only hear. It tells here to fulfill the promise. But what is this promise? What can she do? And who are the five with the Barooch Avah marks?







Fulfilling A Promise


Prologue:
So It Begins: UPDATE 1/22/16
Chapter One:
The First Hearing: UPDATE 1/25/16
Chapter Two:
Six Obstacles - 5/28/15
Chapter Three:
Kat King Tribes vs Goyimigash - 7/9/2015
Chapter Four:
Villages - Coming soon





Creatures Descriptions Here

Offline NO1SY

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Re: The Promise of Affliction
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2015, 12:39:28 PM »
OK so as you put a request in the Review Swaps thread I made sure to review your story. I have only read the first 2 chapters through properly and then I skim-read the 3rd as you put it up after I had begun writing the review, so I apologise if I say anything that seems to ignore what happens in the 3rd chapter.


GENERAL EDITING NOTES:
Spoiler

Always start a new line when someone new begins speaking. It makes A LOT of your writing very hard to understand due to not being able to tell whether a new person is speaking or if it’s a continuation of the previous character’s dialogue.

Possibly in need of someone to go through it with you and do a proper grammar check + make edits so that it all makes a bit more sense. You are missing a lot of suffixes at the end of words throughout your chapters, which makes what you have written even harder to understand and can even change the meaning of some sentences.

Chapter 1 is more of a prologue chapter or a long introduction before a huge time-skip, which sets up the situation of the world for the actual story… it happens a good 15-16 years before the main story it would seem - so you may want to consider re-labelling it. To me, your chapter 2 is the real chapter 1.



GOOD STUFF:
Spoiler

In general the descriptions of character appearance and setting were pretty good. You used a lot of descriptive words that both helped create vivid pictures in my mind, but also played certain things up enough to make them sound interesting.

The story idea itself is solid and interesting for a fantasy setting. The more middle eastern themes also add flavour to the story - Cats are a huge part of ancient Egyptian culture and a lot of the names stand out as Arabic/Hebrew in origin, such as Yiskah meaning “To behold” and Aryeh, which shares the same root as my middle name so I know means “Lion”. Gives your fantasy world a bit of unique flare.

Lots of interesting integrated concepts - like harvesting metals from Londo legs, which I thought was very clever and solidified the Londo's role in your world even further.


STUFF TO WORK ON:
Spoiler

There are times when writing descriptions that you get overly specific, such as the dimensions of the door, and it isn’t necessary. It does’t add anything to the writing and can even be a bit disruptive. Also avoid describing things in relation to something else especially if that something else doesn’t exist in your world. For instance, "horse-like” is not a good description for the “Londos”. You should be building a description of them from scratch and not relating them to what horses look like. It’s a bad habit for writing…

There is some inconsistency with the way that characters talk. The King in particular switches between a very formal and noble tone to really, awkwardly casual. Especially when writing the dialogue of royalty, unless you intend them to talk this way, try to focus on avoiding slang/informal words, even like “Yeah”… they would be more likely to say “Yes”. At the very least you should make sure that the way that your characters speak remains consistent and doesn’t just change at a whim.

You don’t spend a lot of time explaining character actions outside of the fighting. For instance when the Queen is running through the forest, how is she running? Is she tripping and stumbling? Is she crying? Out of breath? She’s holding her baby right? Is she cradling it and protecting it? The way some parts are written are very “This happened, then this happened, then this happened” and they feel very bare and brushed over. Make sure that, whenever you write a character performing an action, it has form and it has consequence - it makes for a much fuller and more interesting reading experience.

The Games of Blood don’t seem to thematically fit well with your story. You have explained why they exist and they make sense. And they seem to be an important platform for bringing several of the 12 warriors together. But just how excited the people are for the games that are almost brutal nature doesn’t seem to fit well in your setting.


OTHER NOTES + QUESTIONS
Spoiler

A couple of passages don’t make sense to me:

"Uzi face transformed from hate to disgusted hate. "Goyimagish you say." Without warning he had vanish and repaired in front of Rasah and was about to  punch him When Queen Adina yelled. "Uzi! DON'T DO IT!" Uzi froze just inches away from smashing the Goyim leader heart.”
Why would she tell him not to kill him? It makes no sense and puts Uzi in unnecessary danger that would obviously happen. Why would she choose to put Uzi in danger instead of defeating the enemy leader?

""CatKing? I think I remember some stories my grandpa use to tell me about a group of people that were of the Cat Kings. Oh well. Carry on then. We shall make a visit to these Cat King villages.””
The Village elder then goes on to tell how the Goyim are the mortal enemies of the Cat King tribe, yet this Goyim soldier doesn’t know this and doesn’t get the merchant to show the army the way to the village? The whole conversation the merchant has with the Goyim is a bit redundant and makes little sense in the context of the elder’s story.



Sorry it's a general review and not chapter by chapter... but I hope it's still specific enough.

Feel free to ask any questions about the review.

Hope this helps somehow. :)
« Last Edit: May 31, 2015, 12:46:44 PM by NO1SEY »

Offline IamKeria

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Re: The Promise of Affliction
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2015, 09:55:45 PM »
Thank you very much No1sey  :heart: are there any stories you have that you would like me to look at?




Response to General Editing Notes:

Spoiler
Always start a new line when someone new begins speaking. It makes A LOT of your writing very hard to understand due to not being able to tell whether a new person is speaking or if it’s a continuation of the previous character’s dialogue.

Hmm. I thought I did that. I have to check it out. I tried to space out the lines of when someone else is speaking so it cannot cause confusion.

Possibly in need of someone to go through it with you and do a proper grammar check + make edits so that it all makes a bit more sense. You are missing a lot of suffixes at the end of words throughout your chapters, which makes what you have written even harder to understand and can even change the meaning of some sentences

I'll see if I can find someone who can help me out with the edits and stuff.


Chapter 1 is more of a prologue chapter or a long introduction before a huge time-skip, which sets up the situation of the world for the actual story… it happens a good 15-16 years before the main story it would seem - so you may want to consider re-labelling it. To me, your chapter 2 is the real chapter 1

Ok. I'll take your advice on the prologue. I'll change it up.


Response to Good Stuff:
Spoiler
Yes. I was hoping for a good response on it. I shall continue in this path.  With the recommended changes and things I should look out for.

Response to Stuff To Work On:

Spoiler
There are times when writing descriptions that you get overly specific, such as the dimensions of the door, and it isn’t necessary. It does’t add anything to the writing and can even be a bit disruptive. Also avoid describing things in relation to something else especially if that something else doesn’t exist in your world. For instance, "horse-like” is not a good description for the “Londos”. You should be building a description of them from scratch and not relating them to what horses look like. It’s a bad habit for writing…

I was having a visual thought of the scene on how it would play out in the manga so I guess I put that in there to give others a visual sense of how big the door was. However, it really didn't have any specific role in the story besides it being burst open. I understand. I'll try and avoid those type of writing. For the creatures of the story, I was thinking not to put in the real world counterpart of what they look like. I was trying to give a more visual sense of what they look like in my minds eye. But, I understand what you are saying. I'll watch out for that. Londo's where the only one that I used in this sense, I believe.

There is some inconsistency with the way that characters talk. The King in particular switches between a very formal and noble tone to really, awkwardly casual. Especially when writing the dialogue of royalty, unless you intend them to talk this way, try to focus on avoiding slang/informal words, even like “Yeah”… they would be more likely to say “Yes”. At the very least you should make sure that the way that your characters speak remains consistent and doesn’t just change at a whim.


Formal and informal speech never accord to me until after reading this. I should work on that. I probably do want them to talk like I do. However, I should probably make a distinction between royalty and commoners. Maybe I'll just have the CatKing Tribes speaking slang or what I like to call it is RLFYCHB [Replaced Language From Years of Cultural Heritage Brainwashing]. But for the casual talk, that's because there is a closer relationship between the two. Like Him and Uzi.

You don’t spend a lot of time explaining character actions outside of the fighting. For instance when the Queen is running through the forest, how is she running? Is she tripping and stumbling? Is she crying? Out of breath? She’s holding her baby right? Is she cradling it and protecting it? The way some parts are written are very “This happened, then this happened, then this happened” and they feel very bare and brushed over. Make sure that, whenever you write a character performing an action, it has form and it has consequence - it makes for a much fuller and more interesting reading experience.


Hmm I will go back and pick through it. I thought I explained the characters action well outside the fighting. Maybe that was just in chapter three. Thank you for pointing that out for me.

The Games of Blood don’t seem to thematically fit well with your story. You have explained why they exist and they make sense. And they seem to be an important platform for bringing several of the 12 warriors together. But just how excited the people are for the games that are almost brutal nature doesn’t seem to fit well in your setting.



The Games of Blood. It's basically wasn't suppose to be there at all. It was replace by the usual good sportsman event due to the new ruler. The crowd is basically people from out side the kingdom that  enjoy that type of stuff. Also, some people who were there in the kingdom have the feel for it. It just wasn't brought out of them until the games of blood started. That's how I wanted to portray it. It was just a platform to get the 12 together.

Repsonse to Other Notes + Questions:

Spoiler
A couple of passages don’t make sense to me:

"Uzi face transformed from hate to disgusted hate. "Goyimagish you say." Without warning he had vanish and repaired in front of Rasah and was about to  punch him When Queen Adina yelled. "Uzi! DON'T DO IT!" Uzi froze just inches away from smashing the Goyim leader heart.”
Why would she tell him not to kill him? It makes no sense and puts Uzi in unnecessary danger that would obviously happen. Why would she choose to put Uzi in danger instead of defeating the enemy leader?

Answer: Uzi from the description is apart of the CatKing tribe. a CatKing tribesmen cannot attack a Goyim no matter what. Only a CatKing tribesmen with the Paw can attack a Goyim and a Goyimagish. Adina knew these. So she stopped him before his anger of all the stories that was told to Uzi and also a side story that happen to his older brother when he was traveling cross seas who ran into some Goyims (Uzi looked up to his big bro) caused him to break the promise by The Voice that was given to them. 

""CatKing? I think I remember some stories my grandpa use to tell me about a group of people that were of the Cat Kings. Oh well. Carry on then. We shall make a visit to these Cat King villages.””
The Village elder then goes on to tell how the Goyim are the mortal enemies of the Cat King tribe, yet this Goyim soldier doesn’t know this and doesn’t get the merchant to show the army the way to the village? The whole conversation the merchant has with the Goyim is a bit redundant and makes little sense in the context of the elder’s story.

Answer: Basically the Goyim people are just a bunch of brute who pillage and plunder, start wars for no reason. They do not pass down oral stories of war much. Which shows why the Goyims do not really know who the CatKings people are. They are constantly taken over others lands and really don't care about what happened over 1000 years ago. So that's why dude didn't really know much about them.

Also that merchant just wanted the baby for his own selfish gains. He knows that there isn't anyone with red and blackish hair or eyes other then the Queen. Through rumors of his travels he know the Truth Clan who are from the south seas only had people once ever generation or so to pop up with those features. Which made them rare and a valuable price in the human trafficking trade. 

Offline NO1SY

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Re: The Promise of Affliction
« Reply #3 on: June 01, 2015, 05:52:10 AM »
You are very welcome :)

My story is linked in the 1st or 2nd page of the "Review Swaps" thread.