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Author Topic: Hansha ("Reflection") - A Western Story  (Read 1281 times)

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Offline Aozora

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Hansha ("Reflection") - A Western Story
« on: April 29, 2015, 01:57:06 AM »
Hansha - title is WIP

Hello, I told myself I wouldn't write anything with exams going on but I had this idea brewing in my head, and I just had to get it out. Title of the story is a work in progress. Right now I have Hanshu, which means "reflection". Genres of this story include mainly action, romance, seinen, and possibly tragedy (I'm thinking of killing off the MC at the end :D.

Background:
Ten years ago, Seiji University was considered one of the best colleges in Japan. However, the area in which Seiji University was located was declining and becoming increasingly impoverished. Due to the unfavorable conditions of the areas surrounding Seiji University, many top students avoided the university and as a result, the student population at Seiji fell drastically. The university decided to lower its admission selectivity, opening its doors to more students, including those who lived in the poor areas surrounding the school. From that day on, the university would see a steady influx of drug dealers, womanizers, thugs, and scoundrels into their student body and the gradual deterioration of their reputation as a formerly respected university.

Story:
Fast-forward 10 years to present time. Ryoba Keimaru has just joined Seiji University as a freshman. He is a quiet, good looking, and intelligent boy. He's just your average guy who minds his own business, dreaming about the cute girl sitting at the corner of class, Ayumi. Well, actually not quite. Ryoba is not your average fellow because he has a condition - dissociative identity disorder. In other words, he has multiple personalities. When Ryoba goes to sleep at night, something else awakens - something demonic. This alternate, cold-blooded personality of Ryoba hunts at night, searching for the scum that have ruined this school and beating them to a pulp. In Ryoba's "cleansing" of his school, he believes he's drawing closer to the source of the problems, a mysterious and obscure ringleader known as the Rainmaker, who controls and profits from the selling and distribution of a viral drug throughout the university and some areas surrounding it. Ryoba seeks to bring Shizuka down but the situation becomes complicated when his alternate personality meets a girl and starts developing feelings for her, showing that even the devil can love. Thus, Ryoba struggles to end the vileness that corrupts his school while also protecting the girl he loves from the perilous nature of his activities and his foes.

« Last Edit: August 01, 2015, 04:50:06 PM by Aozora »
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

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Offline Sukebe

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Re: Hanshu ("Reflection")
« Reply #1 on: April 29, 2015, 02:28:45 AM »
Hanshu, which means "reflection".

Physics: Reflection (return, repercuss, throwback) = Hansha
Reflection; Contemplation; Think About = Hansei
Feudal Lord = Hanshu
Semi-circle, halfway round = Hanshuu

Which one is it?

Offline Aozora

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Re: Hanshu ("Reflection")
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2015, 02:30:54 AM »
What is the japanese translation for the reflection you see in the mirror or in the water? Would that be Hanshu or something different?
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Offline Sukebe

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Re: Hanshu ("Reflection")
« Reply #3 on: April 29, 2015, 02:40:51 AM »
Utsuru / Utsuri
I could be wrong. It's a literal term.

Hansha (phys.) is also used to depict (mirror) reflection.
« Last Edit: April 29, 2015, 02:46:37 AM by Sukebe »

Offline Aozora

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Re: Hanshu ("Reflection")
« Reply #4 on: April 29, 2015, 06:36:32 PM »
Hansha (phys.) is also used to depict (mirror) reflection.

Thanks for checking for me. I'll change it to Hansha for now.
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

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Offline CptCog

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Re: Hansha ("Reflection")
« Reply #5 on: April 29, 2015, 08:26:35 PM »
Interesting. Does he understand he has two personalities? Can his two personalities talk to each other? I don't know how you have it planned, but I think it would be interesting to make his two personalities interact with each other. One gets day, one gets night.

Offline Aozora

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Re: Hansha ("Reflection")
« Reply #6 on: April 29, 2015, 10:33:08 PM »
Thanks for reading, CptCog. Yeah he knows he has two personalities because he wakes up the next day with bruises and cuts which means that he was doing something dangerous last night but was not aware of it. Also, he has some memory of beating people up in the night but it's all fragmented and hazy. So I was thinking the two personalities wouldn't really interact because when normal Ryoba is "awake", demon Ryoba is "sleeping" and vice versa. But in the rare instances when both personalities are awake, I was thinking they'd fight each other for control of the body/mind if that makes sense. Is this what you meant by interacting with each other or did you have something else in mind? I'm open to suggestions. Yeah that's exactly it. One personality of Ryoba gets day and the other gets night.
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

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Offline Sincerest-Wish

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Re: Hansha ("Reflection")
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2015, 04:15:34 AM »
I like this. There is a lot of potential with characters suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder. I recommend doing research on it to accurately portray the character. Who knows you might get ideas.
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Offline Aozora

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Re: Hansha ("Reflection")
« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2015, 12:46:38 AM »
Alright guys, here's chapter 1, part 1 for Hansha. Action scenes take longer to write than I expected so I've decided to split the chapter into two parts. Please note this material may not be suitable for young members. All comments, reviews, critiques, and discussion are welcome. Thanks!

RATED MATURE FOR GRAPHIC VIOLENCE, SEXUAL REFERENCES, DRUG USE, AND LANGUAGE. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

Chapter 1: The Devil of Seiji, Part 1: Enter the Devil
Spoiler
Chapter 1: The Devil of Seiji

The pungent aroma of booze fills the air, emanating from the red plastic cups, which nearly every attendee at the party holds in their hand. But they don’t care. In fact, they sort of embrace it, as the presence of such an odor means that this is the real deal, a party that truly embodies the culture of Seiji University.

Some folks are casually chatting; others are dancing or playing games that more than likely involve alcohol; and a few are slouched on the couches mumbling to themselves in their drunken stupor.

Amongst all this craziness, two of the attendees are engaged in an intimate conversation in one corner of the house. The boy leans over the girl bringing his lips close to her ear so that she can hear him over the blaring music.

“It’s kind of hard to talk here…Let’s go upstairs.”

As he speaks, the girl feels his breath tickling her ear. A smile begins to surface on her lips but she quickly suppresses it, nodding meekly and following him up the stairs to the room.

He grins without her looking. “All according to plan.”

The bedroom is kempt and clean, as though it has never been used.

She doesn’t move at first but finally sits on the bed upon the boy’s beckoning. The sound of the door closing shut alarms her. She tries to conceal her reaction, but the boy has already sensed it.

“I just thought it’s more peaceful with the door closed…you know, no stupid people screaming or loud music. Just the two of us,” he says as he sits next to her on the bed.

He peers into her face despite her avoiding his gaze and places his hand gently on her arm.

Her heartbeat accelerates in anticipation of what is going to happen next. She feels uncomfortable. She wants him to stop and she is about to say it, but it is too late.

He is already caressing her and running his lips along her cheek and neck.

She quickly pushes him back looking him in the eyes. “Stop Joshin, I don’t want to do this,” she says, her voice shaking. 

“What? You actually thought we came up here to talk?” he snickers.

“Yeah, I thought you were a nice guy, not a pervert.”

Joshin scoffs and then pushes her back onto the bed, preventing her from moving. “Well, I guess you don’t know me that well then,” he says with a menacing expression.

Fear and panic rush into her, showing in her eyes. “Wh-what are you doing? Help!!” she screams.

He strikes her across the face and then places his hand on her throat. “Don’t *censored*ing scream…got it?”

She expresses her understanding through silence and closes her eyes. Streams of tears flow slowly down her face while he continues to suck on her neck like a bat thirsty for blood.

She opens her eyes for a moment only to be startled by the sight of a masked man watching them silently.

“What?” Joshin asks, confused by her sudden jolt.

“There’s someone there!” she says pointing to the masked man.

“You think I’m *censored*ing dumb? I know what you’re trying to do. Make me look over there so that you can try to-”

He stops abruptly because he can hear it: the slow, steady breathing of a predator eyeing its prey.

He whips around and lo and behold, the masked man stands before him.

A lump forms in his throat at the sight of the masked man’s full black attire but what sends a paralyzing chill down his spine is the silver bat in his hand, tinted scarlet from the blood of his former victims.

His eyes widen for he knows that the predator has just become the prey. “Holy *censored*, it’s you…the Devil of Seiji,” he mutters under his breath.

The masked man averts his stone cold gaze to the girl. “Leave,” he growls. The girl sprints out of the room following the masked man’s order.

His voice wavering, Joshin warns, “Look man, you better get the *censored* out of here before I call the police.”

The masked man is unfazed, continuing to glare at him with utter contempt and disgust through the strands of his black hair hanging over his eyes.

Joshin can hardly withstand his cold, unforgiving glare. His lips tremble and forehead glistens with sweat. He knows any attempt to call for help or escape is futile. Finally cracking under the suffocating pressure, Joshin makes his move.   

He lunges for a right hook but the masked man intercepts it with his palm. Quickly moving on the offensive, the masked man jabs him in the jugular and then follows with a quick knee to the stomach. As Joshin is bent over, clutching his neck and stomach in pain, the masked man issues a crippling blow to his head with the bat, rendering Joshin unconscious.

***
Meanwhile downstairs, the crowd starts growing loud as the highly tense game of beer-pong draws to a close, chanting the champion’s name as he holds the white ball in his hand.

The so-called champion of beer pong eyes his opponent standing on the other side of the table-tennis table with a confident grin. “I’ve got to say you put up a good fight…but you can never beat the master,” he says to his opponent as he coolly launches the white ball from his hand.

The crowd watches in strong anticipation as the ball soars through the air in a parabolic arc, drawing nearer and nearer to its target – the red plastic cup on the other side of the table tennis net.

But whether the ball truly hit its mark will remain forever a mystery, for at that very moment, as the ball soars through the air, a body comes crashing down and completely smashes the table. The students jump back, alarmed by the bloody mess that just fell from the sky.

“That’s Joshin! What the hell happened?!” a student yells.

“Someone’s up there!” another student yells pointing to the second floor.

And there he stands – the Devil of Seiji looking down at the insects that cower before him.

“Run!! It’s the Devil of Seiji!” a student yells and a stampede of students follows him out of the house amidst screams and panic.

The five students to whom the house belongs remain, watching the masked man nervously as he descends the stairs with slow, silent steps. A trail of blood follows him as he drags his bat along the stairs.   

“What the hell do you want?” yells one of the five students.

The masked man responds by reciting their names and then says, “These disgusting parties are ruining this school…Stop organizing them.”

“A-and if we don’t?”

The masked man’s countenance instantly intensifies as he glares at the five students. “Then, I’ll make you!” he snarls as he rushes at them.

The first student swings his fist but the masked man dodges. He counters by kicking the first student into the second, sending both tumbling into the television set. The third student grabs him from behind while the fourth charges towards him from the front. He quickly elbows the third student in the ribs, breaking free from his grasp. He then blocks the fourth student’s blow and then Spartan kicks him, sending him crashing into the living room’s center table. He raises his bat and turns around to face the third student, who clutches his ribs in pain. Ready to inflict the punishing blow, he is surprised by a tackle from the side. 

The fifth student pins him to the ground, bombarding him with a flurry of punches, while he desperately covers himself with his arms.

“Leave us the *censored* alone!!” the fifth student screams in his fit of rage.

The masked man musters up his strength to flip the fifth student onto his back and returns the favor, leaving his face bloodied and swollen. From behind, the third student swings at him with his bat, which he dropped earlier. He ducks the blow easily and then follows with a blazing left and right hook to the third student’s face. He then rams the third student’s head into a corner shelf. The fifth student begins to stand but he quickly falls back to the ground after the masked man roundhouse kicks him in the head.

But at the moment he finishes his kick, the first student starts bashing him with a chair. He grabs the chair and pulls it fiercely towards himself, closing the distance between him and the first student in the process. He propels the first student right into his fist. The second student charges at him ready to swing. He blocks the second’s punch and then bangs the first and second students’ heads together. The first student falls unconscious while the second student staggers for a moment, but he soon meets the same fate as the first student, after the masked man jabs him with all his might right in the nose. He glances to the side and notices the fourth student sprinting for the exit as though his life depended on it.

The masked man wastes no time. He rushes towards his bat, picks it up, takes maybe a split-second to aim, and hurls it with tremendous force across the room. Bulls-eye. The fourth student drops to the floor immediately after the bat whacks him in the noggin.

He takes a moment to catch his breath, inspecting his handiwork. After confirming they were all unconscious, he strolls slowly to pick up his bat. As he lifts it off the ground, he notices someone stirring and freezes for a second, eyeing the source of movement intensely.

From behind the sofa, a head pops up, revealing a well-groomed Mohawk. He then leaps from the sofa, yelling, “Party,” at the top of his lungs but realizes soon enough that the house is empty. “Huh, where is everyone?” he slurs, clearly drunk out of his mind. It isn’t long before he notices the bodies of the hosts sprawled on the floor. He staggers to the closest one and kneels down. “Oi, oi, wake up. I want to party,” he grumbles as he pokes the host’s face.

As the masked man observes the drunk, he begins to recognize him. “Are you Daigo Igurashi, captain of the karate club?”

The drunken behemoth leaps up from his knees, searching for the source of the voice. Finally he notices the masked man and bursts into laughter. “Is the infamous Devil of Seiji really standing in front of me right now? Oh man, I really hope this is just a hallucination from that acid I took earlier.”

“You videotaped Kenji Fukuda having intercourse with his partner didn’t you?”

Daigo crosses his arms behind his head and replies nonchalantly, “Well I didn’t videotape it. His roommate did that. I just made sure everyone could see it online and laugh at it like I did.”

“Why did you do that? He took his own life because you humiliated him,” he growls.

Daigo starts cackling again in his drunken stupor. “I know! Serves that faggot right! He was such a uptight asshole. Plus, we don’t need homo creeps like him in the karate club. With him out of the picture, I was able to take his position as captain. We’ve been better off without-”

Daigo is unable to finish his thought as the sight of a ferocious beast charging at him overwhelms him with fear and shock.
The masked man yells his battle cry and tackles Daigo with all his might, propelling him backwards several feet. After pinning Daigo to the ground, he showers him with a barrage of fists. However, Daigo easily blocks them with his large forearms and then escapes from the unfavorable position by throwing the masked man off of him with his legs. The two get back on their feet almost instantly.

Wiping off a smudge of blood from the corner of his lip, Daigo snickers, “I knew this day would come, Devil. I’m going to enjoy every moment while I bash your face in. Hope you’re ready!”

Daigo charges at him and launches several quick, successive punches. The masked man is able to parry a few, but the rest hit their mark. Daigo holds the title of captain of the karate club for a reason. He knows his martial arts techniques inside and out and his reflexes are unparalleled. In addition to all that, his excessively long range gives him a strong advantage over most opponents.

The masked man stumbles, straining to maintain his balance. He removes his bat from its holster and rushes towards Daigo for a swing, refusing to be discouraged by the physical disparity between him and his titan of an opponent.

However, Daigo catches the swing in his palm and then Spartan kicks the masked man, sending him flying backwards. The masked man groans as he coughs up blood and struggles to lift himself back on his feet.

He rushes in again and punches Daigo several times while Daigo makes no effort to avoid them. “That tickles!” Daigo proclaims, amused by the masked man’s futile attempts to hurt him. He then strikes Daigo in the side of the face, which definitely had more of an effect than his previous blows to the stomach.

“Don’t touch the face,” Daigo yells furiously as he returns the favor, striking the masked man with a thunderous punch directly to the face.

The masked man collapses to the ground, spewing blood from his nose and mouth.

“I have to say I’m a bit disappointed. I expected more from someone with such a reputation,” Daigo taunts as he prepares to inflict the finishing blow.

While the masked man crawls back onto his feet, Daigo aims a roundhouse kick to his head. “No…I’m not gonna lose to this guy!” the masked man encourages himself.

The masked man dodges the roundhouse kick by somersaulting over Daigo’s leg onto the sofa. Without wasting a second, he then leaps onto Daigo’s shoulders, wrapping his legs around Daigo’s torso and holding Daigo’s head upright with his left forearm. With his free hand, the masked man fires one blow after another to Daigo’s face – each punch like a blast from a shotgun. Daigo tries desperately to remove him from his back, but his arms are occupied with trying to defend his face from the relentless blows. Daigo’s screams of agony mixed with the masked man’s wicked roar create an absolutely horrendous sound.

Finally, Daigo succeeds in breaking free from the masked man after ramming him into a wall. Daigo collapses onto the ground and sits against the wall, his nose and mouth dripping blood like a faucet.

The masked man slowly rises, dragging his bat towards his defeated opponent. Daigo looks up at him stoically. “You think you’re accomplishing something? You’re nothing you piece of-”

The masked man introduces the cold, hard metal of his bat to Daigo’s mouth. Blood and teeth erupt from Daigo’s mouth due to the impact. He falls over unconscious, soiling the carpet crimson.

The masked man places his bat in its holster. “I didn’t ask for your opinion.” He heads for the exit for his business here is finished.
 
« Last Edit: May 12, 2015, 03:28:07 AM by God Usopp »
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

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Offline Sukebe

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Re: Hansha ("Reflection")
« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2015, 01:25:25 AM »
Is the setting in Japan?

Red cups, beer-pongs, partying inside someone's home, naughty couples sneaking upstairs etc... are western culture/references.

Offline Aozora

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Re: Hansha ("Reflection")
« Reply #10 on: May 05, 2015, 02:09:35 AM »
Yeah, that was the intention. But I can see how there can be a discrepancy in cultural values. I assumed though that even Japanese students like to get rowdy and party once in a while.
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

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Re: Hansha ("Reflection")
« Reply #11 on: May 05, 2015, 02:12:35 AM »
Well normally, I would be open minded about people style of life but I'm need to follow Sukebe here

The setting you are using (beer-pongs, partying inside someone's home, ...) really sounds from a western or european typical movies especially like the ones you see university undergraduate student partying.

I don't know if this would help but think I saw often some typical patterns in setting in Japanese manga and you could perhaps replace those by that

Western               Japanese manga

beer-pongs ----> drinking party, competition in drinking SAKE

partying     ----> a group date in a restaurant, I think it's called GOUKON if I spell it well (this is what I notice young
                        high-school or university students do often to find partners, but anyone who is single do it as well)

Couples
sneaking    ---> Couple leaving the GOUKON, and going to a love hotel...but in this case the girl will sound overly
upstairs            stupid if she doesn't get what the guy mean by taking her to a love hotel  :-\
Cheers,
How about some violin :)
https://youtu.be/yGdmqwjKoD8

Offline Aozora

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Re: Hansha ("Reflection")
« Reply #12 on: May 05, 2015, 02:16:50 AM »
Ah I see, I see. Thanks for the info :D. Looks like I've got a lot of researching to do.
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Offline Aozora

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Re: Hansha ("Reflection")
« Reply #13 on: May 12, 2015, 03:26:48 AM »
New part's up!!...but not finished completely yet.

Chapter 1: The Devil of Seiji, Part 2: Enter Ryoba
Spoiler
In the wee hours of the morning, as the sun barely peeks over the horizon, a young man in formal attire rushes into the police station after parking his care haphazardly.

Inside the police station, he turns right into the second hallway, jogs to the third door. He quickly pushes his short brown hair to the side, and checks to see that his long sleeve shirt is properly tucked in before entering the room. 

Several men sit at desks listening half-heartedly to a presentation by an elderly man. They all turn towards the panting detective who just entered the room.   

The detective stamps his feet together and brings his right arm to his forehead in salute. “I apologize for my tardiness, Captain Yamura!”

Yamura peers at him through his rectangular spectacles. “Just take a seat.”

He quickly finds a seat next to his partner, a young man, who is similar in age, slouched half asleep in his chair.

“Oh what a surprise. Kazuto is late again,” he says teasingly to the young detective taking his seat.

“Oh what a surprise. Eizan has that same ugly hairdo,” Kazuto fires back at his partner.

Eizan springs from his slouched position and faces Kazuto. “What’d you say about my hair, bastard?” Eizan asks, his temples twitching.

Kazuto points to Eizan’s overly neat blonde hair, combed to perfection. “Your hair looks like some sort of cheesy 1950s wig.”

“Why you…” Eizan snarls, grabbing the collar of Kazuto’s shirt.

Kazuto does the same. “I’ll fight you right now.”

Both are on the verge of a physical confrontation when they realize everyone in the room is looking at them. Yamura’s stoic expression and cold gaze are especially intimidating. Kazuto and Eizan quickly let go of each other, looking down at their desks.

Yamura sighs. “Anyways as I was saying, the Devil of Seiji appeared at a college party last night and put 7 students in the hospital – that makes a total of 30 people he’s injured or wounded within 6 months.”

Yamura strolls to the screen, which displays the images of three men. “Of all his victims, these are the worst cases.

He points to the first image. “Goro Yamashiro – third year student with several pending charges of sexual harassment and molestation. Apparently he was tortured for five, six hours. He’s in a mental institution undergoing intensive therapy.”

He then moves to the second image. “Narihira Kagashi – fourth year student involved in many bullying and public humiliation cases. He was found hung to a stop sign, beaten near to death. He’s recovered but no one’s seen him at the school since.”

He arrives at the last image. “And finally one of the victims from last night, Joshin Takahara – first year student with a few charges of illegal drug possession and use, but otherwise clean record. He experienced severe trauma to the head and was then thrown from the second story of a house. Right now he’s in a coma…doctors don’t know when and if he’ll wake up.”

Yamura taps a key on his computer, displaying a new slide on the screen. “This man is a self-proclaimed vigilante, violent and dangerous. This is the information we have on him so far,” he says referring to the screen behind him. “Wears a black mask revealing his mouth, eyes, and hair, and wears black clothing; uses a bat to inflict injuries to his victims; approximately five feet, 11 inches or six feet tall.”

He turns towards the detectives listening intently to him. “That’s all we know about him. The police have failed to deal with this issue and so they’ve asked for our help. I’ll be assigning several of you on a case to find this man and bring him in.”

Yamura looks at his computer screen while reciting a list of names.

Once he finishes, Kazuto turns to Eizan. “Hey he didn’t call our names,” he says clearly upset.

“Leave it man. I’d much rather stick to busting drug deals than investigate a psycho who beats people with a bat,” Eizan replies.

“No this is bull*censored*. I’m gonna talk to Yamura.”

Kazuto leaps from his seat and approaches Yamura as the other detectives start leaving the room.

“Captain, do you have a moment?”

“Yes, what is it?” Yamura asks without looking up from his computer.

“I was wondering why you didn’t put me on the case.”

He closes his laptop and peers at Kazuto. “You’re young and inexperienced. This is a job for the veterans.”

“Captain, you know I was top of my class. And I have cracked every case I’ve been assigned to.”

“Yes, and that is extremely admirable. But you’re still not ready for this case,” Yamura replies bluntly as he places his laptop into his bag and prepares to leave.

“But why?” Kazuto asks as Yamura starts making his way towards the door.

“That’s my final decision,” Yamura says and leaves the room.

Kazuto stands there feeling disappointed and confused.

***
The sound of a blaring alarm wakes Ryoba on this late Monday morning. As he opens his eyes, he groans in pain and clutches his side. Upon inspecting himself, he notices much of his body is pink and bruised. He then looks to the side to find black clothes and a metal bat stained red lying on the floor.

The sight brings him anguish as he lies there for a moment. “I better get up or I’m gonna be late.”

Wincing from the pain, he crawls to the bathroom and stands in front of the mirror in his drawers, staring at his reflection. He stands there with pained, sorrowful eyes, looking at his black ruffled hair and muscular, lean body. “What the hell did you do this time?” 
« Last Edit: May 12, 2015, 03:28:52 AM by God Usopp »
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

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Re: Hansha ("Reflection")
« Reply #14 on: May 12, 2015, 08:11:56 AM »
I liked it, everyone mentions the cultural thing though. It could be a school populated by mainly kids of western/European decent like on a US Army base in Okinawa.

I think the baseball bat was appropriate though seeing as Japan has a huge fan base for baseball. If anything there would be more bones broken from the impact multiplication from the bat.

The action scenes were great, fast paced and described adequately.

Though the only way I think to get rid of rapists and drug dealers is death :/ because they usually repeat offend.