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Author Topic: Deformed - A One-Shot Manga Story  (Read 1455 times)

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Offline Aozora

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Deformed - A One-Shot Manga Story
« on: March 03, 2015, 02:32:24 AM »
Links to the Full Story

Figment: http://figment.com/books/900572-Deformed-

Wattpad: http://www.wattpad.com/story/34097108-deformed
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Short Pitch
Spoiler
A morally ambiguous yet successful plastic surgeon finds himself in a dangerous situation after a serial killer comes to him seeking his help.

Long Pitch
Spoiler
Damon Zovolsky is a 30-year-old, up and coming plastic surgeon, who has already made a name for himself as one of the best. However, he is quite morally dubious, often taking bribes and neglecting to follow certain healthcare insurance regulations, as well as other questionable activities. On a spring day like any other, he is approached by a shady customer, requesting a complete facial transformation. This man has no paperwork, ID, or any medical history whatsoever but offers to pay a large sum of cash. Damon accepts the deal and operates on this man. A few days later, while watching the news, Damon realizes that the man he operated on is the serial killer everyone has been worrying and talking about. It isn't long before the man returns to Damon, seeking another facial transformation as he was so impressed with the first one. How will Damon escape this situation? Who is this serial killer and why is he so fixated with Damon?

Preview
Spoiler
Finding his voice again, he says quietly, “Yeah well…I don’t think we’re the same. Actually, I think we’re quite different. I’ll tell you why.” He brings his face close to the man’s wearing the most menacing expression he’s ever worn. “While you’re rotting in a jail cell, I’ll be sitting here in my cozy office thanking my stars that I don’t have to see you ever again!”

At that moment, he pulls his phone from underneath his desk, where he was hiding it, and slams it on the desk. Slightly alarmed, the man peers at it. On the screen of the phone, he can see the number “911” written in large font and the speakerphone icon glowing brightly.

Realizing the sticky situation Damon has just dragged him into, the man glares at him. Damon freezes in fear from the intense look of his piercing, blue eyes. They were frightening enough when the man was completely calm but now his anger was amplifying their intensity to the point that his eyes seemed like poison-tipped arrows. Before the man could react, however, a voice rings behind him, causing both Damon and the man to look in that direction.

“Sir, put your hands behind your head and walk forward slowly!” a police officer shouts from the entrance of the office his gun raised and pointed directly at the man, along with a second officer who does the same.

The man slowly rises from the chair and does as he is told.

Once the man reaches the entrance, the first officer puts his gun away and reaches for his handcuffs. It was at this moment that the man reaches into his paint waist, pulls out a dagger, and thrusts it into the head of the first officer, right in the noggin – all in the blink of an eye.

Shocked, the second officer is slow to react. He steadies his gun for the shot but realizes he is too late as the man lunges towards him with the knife in hand. The second officer grabs the man’s arms to avoid being stabbed, dropping his gun on the ground in the process. Their hands still interlocked, the man pushes the second officer out of the office and they wrestle and struggle in the hallway.

During their altercation, Damon dashes to pick up the gun the second officer had dropped and then returns to stand behind the desk. He waits in suffocating tension for a few moments, hearing the noises of the two men’s struggle slowly fading.

Suddenly, a figure begins to appear through the doorway. Damon hopes with all his strength that the officer is the one to have escaped from the death match alive, but alas, he had hoped in vain. There the man stands – panting endlessly, dripping with crimson blood, staring stoically at the barrel of the gun facing directly at him.
« Last Edit: March 07, 2015, 01:57:13 AM by God Usopp »
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Offline Boosted Nomena :)

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Re: Deformed - A One-Shot Manga Story
« Reply #1 on: March 03, 2015, 07:46:46 AM »
  :ohmy:  :ohmy:  :ohmy: Bloody Bloody Bloody...

But interesting one  ;) ... The Short Pitch made me interested in reading the Long Pitch and the Long Pitch made me interested in reading the Preview

Though the Short and Long Pitch reminded me of the Serie Dexter ...  Not the story but the fact that there is surgeon and serial killer ... though Dexter was not a plastic surgeon...Maybe it would give more spice to state some reasons for the serial killing or is the serial killer just a rotten bad guy?

I see you have a lot of fun with Team Caesarea  ;) Keep it up and I look forward to see some more results from you group work in the future
« Last Edit: March 03, 2015, 07:49:50 AM by Nomena »
Cheers,
How about some violin :)
https://youtu.be/yGdmqwjKoD8

Offline Aozora

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Re: Deformed - A One-Shot Manga Story
« Reply #2 on: March 03, 2015, 02:03:29 PM »
Hehe, I put the goriest scene in there to attract attention :push:

Thanks for the kind words Nomena and yeah, I'm having a great time with Team Caesarea :biggrin: (psssst you should join ;))

If you don't mind, I hope you will be up for drawing 2 pgs of this in the future. Of course, not this particular scene per se because of the gore but maybe the serial killer's backstory or something.
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

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Re: Deformed - A One-Shot Manga Story
« Reply #3 on: March 03, 2015, 04:54:31 PM »
Well as long as you don't make me draw anything too gory, I am fine, I am rather sensitive...though I somehow managed to watch Attack on Titan and Shiki ... but I also guess at some point I will have to compromise a bit because some of my stories also involve intense fighting so bloody scenes are unavoidable  :-\

I have been busy with other projects up until now and will keep being busy for a while but if you guys at some point post your storyboards here, I may jump on whatever captures my interest  ;D
« Last Edit: March 03, 2015, 05:43:13 PM by Nomena »
Cheers,
How about some violin :)
https://youtu.be/yGdmqwjKoD8

Offline Aozora

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Re: Deformed - A One-Shot Manga Story
« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2015, 05:13:38 PM »
Of course, I would never make you draw something you're uncomfortable with...or would I ::) (j.k.)

I'm glad you're keeping yourself busy as well! Hope your projects are going well. Also, thanks for being one among the few artists that posts/comments in the writers' section ;) Keeps us writers feeling motivated/appreciated.
----------------------------------

UPDATE: Links to the full story now available on the original post. Happy reading!
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

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Re: Deformed - A One-Shot Manga Story
« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2015, 05:35:40 PM »
 ;) In fact one of the reasons I started drawing is because I wanted to tell stories myself, for myself (look how selfish I am  :sure:)...I was tired of only reading manga and watching anime and scared of not seeing stories to like anymore, so I decided to also go through the process of making them.

But brief, I am not the only one who can write stories that I will like ;D , so I'll do anything in my power as long as I like it.
« Last Edit: March 03, 2015, 05:44:18 PM by Nomena »
Cheers,
How about some violin :)
https://youtu.be/yGdmqwjKoD8

Offline Crackhead Johny

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Re: Deformed - A One-Shot Manga Story
« Reply #6 on: March 11, 2015, 01:46:22 PM »
Short pitch:
Does the plastic surgeon need to be morally ambiguous or is that just how every dark gritty reboot would write this character? In medicine morality problems tend to lead to the opposite of "successful" (unless you are a researcher). So I'd say pick one.

Long pitch:
Spoiler
Also when people complain about a plastic surgeon's ethics it is about a willingness to put in implants which are ridiculous or promising more than a face lift can ever deliver.

Who is bribing a plastic surgeon for what? Super huge implants?

It really sounds like this detail is getting added because that is a detail we always see added when things get dark and gritty.

An ID is trivially easy to come by. Go to the DMV and say you lost your wallet and ask how you prove you are you when all the proof you had is now lost. They ask for you social security number. You give them one you have (also trivial to get). Then they confirm your address and you say you were going to come in and change your address when you moved but life got busy and you are so sorry about that. They then ask you for your current address and you give them one of an unattended house you know of. Once it is delivered you go get a new pic taken if you need.
As for paying with a large sum of money here is how you do that. You go into the doctor and negotiate the price. Then after he quotes you what it will cost you say "How much of a discount can I get if I pay up front with cash?". The medical industry loves up front payments in cash. You really can't use plastic surgery to launder money, so they do not care how you pay.
If you serial killer is smart is probably a wiz at social engineering and so should know these things. If he is dumb he probably doesn't even care to put on a hat to change his appearance.
How was his appearance found out?

a 2nd face change?.. FULL STOP!
facial transformations take quite a while to heal. And doing them again? Mickey Rourke was what 30 years before he tried to have his botched job fixed? Long recovery time and a greatly reduced ability to do the same job again mean that the killer doesn't come right back to have this done again. His face is also far less animate each time (AKA he looks creepy/like a freak and can't blend in which may be good in a slasher flick but doesn't help in not getting noticed/caught)

Oh god! How did his identity get found out a 2nd time. Is this guy is sloppy and stupid and would most likely have gotten caught long ago.

Or he wants to get caught (consciously or subconsciously) and thus would be playing games with the police and not changing his looks.
If Damon is an FX artist instead of a plastic surgeon he could be making masks for the guy. 2 masks in short order would not be ridiculous.

Why is the killer going to him? Because he does good work
Why did he not kill the one witness after the first face change? Cuz he is really really dumb?
How will Damon escape? Serial killers move on or get caught?

Preview:
Spoiler
Quote
his eyes seemed like poison-tipped arrows
What is that? seems like trying to write hard boiled. I'd use a common expression.

Other than that.. I got bad news.

In the doctors case he signs his own death warrant and should die then and there (he should have been dead after the first face change). Stupid 911 trick, ugg how cliche. Ha ha ha  I taped the whole conversation!

With the cops:
The 2nd cop simply shoots the serial killer when the guy makes a move on his partner. Or partner messed the guy up to begin with due to training (hands from back of head, to pants waist, to stabbing a cop in the noggin, is a very long amount of time for a trigger to simply travel ~1/4 inch). 2 cops who have control of a situation getting taken out happens in Hollywood.
Also stabbing someone in the noggin is dumb as it is the strongest bone in the body (this is what you use when doing brick breaks with your head, also the part you hit the other guy in the nose with when head butting), stab them in the eye instead, the skull is way thinner in the back of an eye socket.

If the doctor was smart the serial killer would simply wake up in cuffs after being put under for his next face change.. Or he would never wake up due to a "tragic mistake" made by the hung over anesthesiologist (if the doctor is morally dubious and took the anesthesiologist out partying the night before.. you know how anesthesiologists like to party. If you didn't know.. yeah, they love to party).
The whole scene is dumb. Very Hollywood though.

To rework it you have to play a game of chess against yourself. Also remember that things may "feel right" or get dropped in because you have seen them used many times before on TV. This gives them a higher chance of being cliche' and likely dumb. Always ask "Is there something dumb about this".

first move: You are the SK and need another face lift and to get rid of the doctor.
Spin the board for the doctor's turn, this guy should have killed you already, you have to save yourself,
spin the board,
spin the board,
spin the board.

Also a lot of the writing feels like you are trying to do it mechanically and that you cannot really feel the scene or characters yet.

This the one you wanted me to look at?

Offline Aozora

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Re: Deformed - A One-Shot Manga Story
« Reply #7 on: March 11, 2015, 04:52:46 PM »
Hey Johny, thanks for the review. I'll address your feedback to the best of my ability.

Short Pitch:
He needs to be morally ambiguous because it ties into a theme I'm trying to convey with this story which is that karma is a very real and tangible thing, and just because you may feel like you're invincible or on top of the world don't think for a second that something or someone won't come out of nowhere and ruin everything for you. You're right that researchers are the ones to usually get away with immoral practices. Damon is able to shroud his immoral activities with his adeptness in his particular field of practice, which is reconstructive surgery. On top of that, the patients he usually attracts are equally as immoral or shady so they often turn a blind eye towards Damon's activities.

Long Pitch:
More than the patients complaining about Damon's ethics, it's the insurance companies. They're often trying to trace how he earned so much money, or angry about him breaking certain regulations or billing for more money than he deserves. This detail is important, not just added to amplify the dark/gritty atmosphere, although it inherently does that as well.

Whether the serial killer does or does not have an ID is irrelevant because he chooses not to show it to Damon not because he doesn't have one but because he doesn't want to. In his mind, it's unnecessary; knowing Damon's infamous reputation, he knows that a good amount of money will be enough to get his attention. The serial killer is not an evil mastermind but he is decently smart. I did not decide to explore the details on how his identity was found out the second time as this was not really a major point in the story but I see how this may give the impression that the serial killer is not very smart or rather messy in his execution.

Yes, I appreciate you bringing this point up...The thing is that the serial killer doesn't know any better. In his mind, he just wants to change his appearance again and avoid getting caught; he hasn't bothered researching the ramifications of getting two facial reconstructions so close together (3 months apart). Of course, Damon knows the damage that could be done with a second surgery performed so quickly after the first but the reason he decides to call the police and not perform the operation is not due to his concern for the serial killer's well being but because he wants nothing more to do with him.

To know why the killer is going to him, you'll have to read the full story (not trying to convince you or anything :sure:). I'd rather not spoil it.
Just assume that the killer had no idea that someone had seen him during his crime , not because he was sloppy but because not every crime is going to go perfectly. Killing the witness after he/she provided the sketch would be pointless.
Another question that you'll have to find out for yourself...Yes, serial killers move on or get caught but those are not the only options...

Preview
Saying this in itself reveals a lot of the story: there is a hidden relation between the killer and Damon and that is why the killer doesn't just outright dispose of him after he's had his facial reconstruction.

As for the whole 911 trick and the situation with the cops, I see how they are quite cliche and unrealistic. I can tweak the scene with the cops to make it seem more realistic but I'm not sure what more I can do with how the serial killer gets trapped by Damon. This is my first attempt at suspense/psychological so I'm not very ingenuous when it comes to these things. Putting the killer under anesthetic and then calling the cops is a good one but that's just too good...I'm not sure how he would escape that situation. The point is to create a situation where the killer would be face to face with Damon after getting out of a sticky situation like with the cops. If he was drugged, handcuffed, and then sent to jail, then that's that. There's really no interesting ending. I'll try to think of more possibilities though.

Hmm, perhaps it felt that way because it was a portion of the story taken out at random...I'm not sure how to create a better picture. I thought the writing was fairly descriptive. It may also be because of the repeated use of "the man" and "the officer". But I'm not sure really.



Yes, this one or Hikaru Rising, but glad you looked at this one because it's the most recent one. Thanks ;)





The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

Offline Crackhead Johny

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Re: Deformed - A One-Shot Manga Story
« Reply #8 on: March 12, 2015, 11:47:22 AM »
Long Pitch:
More than the patients complaining about Damon's ethics, it's the insurance companies. They're often trying to trace how he earned so much money, or angry about him breaking certain regulations or billing for more money than he deserves. This detail is important, not just added to amplify the dark/gritty atmosphere, although it inherently does that as well.

A stumbling point here. Unless it is reconstruction patients tend to completely pay for plastic surgery themselves. Insurance companies are not involved. This is why not everyone is getting face lifts and implants and like Raquel Welsh looks like they are in their 30s when they are in their 80s. It is for the rich (also why the doc would be happy to get paid in cash).
Even if he was a regular doctor the insurance companies would never know how much he makes. They would just know how much he bills them and how much of that they cover.

Breaking regulations gets you sued and/or jailed and costs you your license. Then you can be the cliche' "Lost license, became mob doctor" character. Patients complain via lawyers.

If you need him to be actively unethical you could have him do all his work stoned (I'm an artist, I'm at my most creative this way!).
He could keep writing scrips for his patients long after they no longer need the pain killers. 
He could be doing his own research without approval and without telling patients, this is how someone's face is healed after 3 months (though if you can heal someone this fast, word gets out and people start prying).
He fondles/photographs patients while they are sedated.
He sabotages other competing practices.
He lives completely unethically outside work.
The guy is not doing anything really wrong but god is he an entitled self centered jerk.


Quote
I did not decide to explore the details on how his identity was found out the second time as this was not really a major point in the story
The thing is that it is insanely important. Having this happen again within 3 months is real stumbling block and says thing about the character which make no sense. It also requires an unacceptable suspension of disbelief.

Quote
he hasn't bothered researching the ramifications of getting two facial reconstructions so close together (3 months apart).
At 3 months the bandages are probably off but there is still bruising and swelling if his whole face was rebuilt. So if he gives it more time for the swelling to go down then he will look different without more surgery. Alsoiof you are still all bruised and puffy from surgery you do not worry about being identified in anything but the short term.
Now if he is going in for gender reassignment (Killer doesn't understand that this normally requires a year living as the opposite sex and counseling.. or doesn't care as that is why he picked this "unethical" doc) and the face rebuild was just his first step. This can work. This is just less shocking for manga/anime folk than it would be for mainstream consumers. It also allows you to avoid the "people figure out his identity again within 3 months of face rebuild". You get bonus points here also in char dev, as it should what the SK is willing to do, even to himself (far beyond Romeo is Bleeding and just cutting off one of your hands with a circular saw).
Another option is that the SK is lying about needing a new face rebuild and just using that excuse to get to the doctor... though getting to a doctor is about as hard as getting to someone who works the counter at a fast food joint.

Quote
Killing the witness after he/she provided the sketch would be pointless.
Dead witnesses do not show up in court (court is all that really matters). This is why the mob likes to kill them even after they have provided a sketch or even picked someone out of a line up.

Offline IamKeria

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Re: Deformed - A One-Shot Manga Story
« Reply #9 on: May 26, 2015, 11:06:52 PM »
I surely did not picture manga when reading this lol. I enjoyed it a lot. I am not good with critquing works. But I think you just have a few spelling errors is all. But i really like the story. There was a live action movie of it playing in my head  as Brad Pitt staring Damon lmao.

Offline Aozora

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Re: Deformed - A One-Shot Manga Story
« Reply #10 on: May 26, 2015, 11:15:43 PM »
Oh haha thank you :D I noticed that I got a follow on Wattpad. Thanks for that!

Yeah, I've just started to realize that almost all of my stories don't really resemble manga at all. It's kind of a struggle.

I'll be sure to give your story a read soon. :thumbsup:
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

Offline IamKeria

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Re: Deformed - A One-Shot Manga Story
« Reply #11 on: May 26, 2015, 11:57:55 PM »
Oh haha thank you :D I noticed that I got a follow on Wattpad. Thanks for that!

Yeah, I've just started to realize that almost all of my stories don't really resemble manga at all. It's kind of a struggle.

I'll be sure to give your story a read soon. :thumbsup:

Thanks o/