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Author Topic: WIP; Broken era.  (Read 1289 times)

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Offline Jamie

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WIP; Broken era.
« on: January 30, 2015, 07:52:56 PM »
Suya Nakamura, an enthusiastic eighteen year old with a quick wit, bright smile and a bit of an attitude sat solemnly by the remnants of a third story mansion window. Worried, alone, armed. She lifted her salvaged and barely functional sniper rifle, pointed from the window and took aim. Target. She had her target, a young thug draped in cloth and covered in tattoos. Shaking. Deep breath. Powder. Blood.
"I did it", her voice trembled. "I took life", she spluttered. Shaking. "Breathe."
Suya willed her arms, and slung her sniper rifle over her shoulder. Slowly, she left the bedroom and walked down the mansion stairs, each step seemingly eternal. The door, finally in arms reach. The goal was barely still in her mind. She walked through the barren mansion entrance, dragging the sand with each step as she closed the distance to the body. He was close now. It was close now.

"Death," Suya spluttered. She reached down, searched her target without her eyes as the body became too much to bear. Round and metal, she had found it. It didn't look like much, but it was a start. A remnant of a life lone gone.

So, that's what I've gotten so far, and it's not much, but I was wondering if anyone had an opinion? I'm super new to writing, so any advice would be great! I'm trying to use the snowflake method, but writing doesn't come naturally to me. First draft obviously, but C&C more than welcome! Be as harsh as you like!

Offline Aozora

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Re: WIP; Broken era.
« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2015, 09:58:08 PM »
I like this little excerpt you have here. Here's the criticism first:

1. "Shaking. Deep breath. Gunshot/ Bang/ Boom/ Recoil. Powder. Blood." I think having something in between "deep breath" and "powder" would let the reader know clearly that Suya took the shot without there being too much ambiguity.

2.  After she takes target, it seems that she quickly took the shot. Seeing that Suya is possibly experiencing killing a person for the first time or at least has a lot of trouble dealing with death, try to add in another sentence like:
"Her finger hovered over the trigger as she tried to focus her sight on the target/thug." Something like that to show a dramatic buildup.

3. "Closed the distance" is a bit awkward. Go ahead and change that to "closed the gap between her and the body."

Here's what I like :)

1. Solid grammar - Makes it a very easy read. Just watch the punctuation a bit.

2. The word "spluttered"...I like it. Gonna start using it now.

3. Effective portrayal of character's emotions.

4. Good writing ability in general. Your vocabulary and sentence structure definitely show a level of sophistication and skill.
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

Offline danielking2210

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Re: WIP; Broken era.
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2015, 02:31:51 PM »
I made a post about my method of plot development if you'd like to check it out. I use the snowflake method too, as well as other things.