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Author Topic: Grigori (Developing)  (Read 1071 times)

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Offline Peraso

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Grigori (Developing)
« on: December 29, 2014, 03:48:24 PM »
Feel free to critique and give your honest opinion on the subject. All of that always taken.

Hello once more community!  ;D So I have thought of an idea for the past months and I think I finally have the jist of it for the time being. I may or may not progress on it if the idea is good enough to work on. Plus I still have my other story "Elemental Order" to work on.

I still haven't also developed a title so if you could help with that it is much appreciated.

Title: *N/A at the moment*
Genre: psychological, mystery, horror



The world has recently become aware of a new "imaginary" creature that lives certain humans. A highly wanted criminal was captured and in his interrogation he confessed to a "partner" in crime. He says this "partner" is a "demonic angel" that helps him commit the crimes he did. He goes to reveal the existence of this said "partner" and says that this things live among less than 1% of the population and that people are already born with them. Before he revealed anymore information he is executed by one of the interrogators and he does not seem to remember committing such act. He describes himself as possessed.

A high school student in Los Angeles, California by the name of Victor Cole is a victim of this phenomenon. His "helper", Mors, is brought up to the news and is alarmed by it. The "helper" tells Victor to ignore said news and to continue on with his life as usual.

Little do the victims of this phenomenon know the true intentions of this said "helpers".


Comment away and tell me what you think of it.'

Thank you for reading  :D.
« Last Edit: January 31, 2015, 12:39:26 AM by Peraso »

Offline liuxess

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Re: New work (currently looking for a title)
« Reply #1 on: December 29, 2014, 03:52:42 PM »
Sorry, if I'm stupid, but I reread a few times and can't understand, what exactly is this phenomenon? (Maybe it's the colors)
I don't create stories, I relive them ;)
I'm in development of one right now, so please check it out:
 http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,15050.0.html
If you want me to check out YOUR story,  just PM me.

Offline Peraso

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Re: New work (currently looking for a title)
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2014, 04:21:04 PM »
Sorry, if I'm stupid, but I reread a few times and can't understand, what exactly is this phenomenon? (Maybe it's the colors)

Sorry if that didn't make sense. I have modified a bit of the topic. Now that I read it it didn't make kind of sense there, pardon. Though now like this it seems a bit more explainable in my opinion.

Offline liuxess

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Re: New work (currently looking for a title)
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2014, 04:29:21 PM »
Well, that seems more interesting. It's kinda nice, but I can't say too much since you didnt give out too much information but some points I want you to notice:
-The origins of this phenomenon has to be explained. No matter if it's by a narrator, the author or just one of the characters. If the origins are explained it will be easier for the reader to understand these creatures and people who are related to them
-Are all of these 'imaginary' creatures evil or are there some good ones? Do they have any powers?
-Also, at which point of this summary will the story start?
I don't create stories, I relive them ;)
I'm in development of one right now, so please check it out:
 http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,15050.0.html
If you want me to check out YOUR story,  just PM me.

Offline Peraso

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Re: New work (currently looking for a title)
« Reply #4 on: December 29, 2014, 04:41:56 PM »
Well, that seems more interesting. It's kinda nice, but I can't say too much since you didnt give out too much information but some points I want you to notice:
-The origins of this phenomenon has to be explained. No matter if it's by a narrator, the author or just one of the characters. If the origins are explained it will be easier for the reader to understand these creatures and people who are related to them
-Are all of these 'imaginary' creatures evil or are there some good ones? Do they have any powers?
-Also, at which point of this summary will the story start?

Ah yes the origin of this issue in the world will be explained at later time. The thing is that I do not want to give away so much so soon. I want to deprive myself from doing so since it may look like to much at the same time.

This called "demonic angels" will be bad, though as the story progress it may look like otherwise.

The story will start of from a point in time in the present. I will develop later on how this was all started or even if it was always there. Though I do want to keep it to a minimal at the moment.

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Re: New work (currently looking for a title)
« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2014, 03:59:38 PM »
I find it interesting and look forward to seeing how it goes.

These creatures remind me of the stands from JJBA and I like that (intentional or not). I'm interested in finding out why certain people have them and others don't and think that's something that you could make very important.

I really like those genres you chose and think they''ll really make this story real interesting if you stick to them

Offline Peraso

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Re: New work (currently looking for a title)
« Reply #6 on: December 30, 2014, 07:08:04 PM »
A thanks for the remark. I do have already a concept on how this will work out. I do not want to make it such a long story, just a brief one. I do have an idea now on how I could develop it. So it should all go well.

Offline Peraso

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Re: New work (currently looking for a title)
« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2015, 12:36:53 AM »
Hello once more community  ;D! I have worked on a new story and I reckon I am done with the first chapter. I still do not consider it well made, but there is room for change. Nevertheless, here it is:

Chapter 1: My Watcher

                                                                                Grigori

Many things have been told and handed down to humanity over the course of time. Some sound believable and easy to understand; while others sound irrational and plain out hard to comprehend. Throughout the course of time we choose things that we want to believe like “gods” and “miracles” in order to keep faith on one thing, but WE choose on what to believe. There is a boundary between the natural and supernatural in which people have their limits. Ghosts, spirits, souls, demons, angles, and much more mythological creatures are looked over and not really given attention, but what if some people do actually witness these creatures? We may classify this type of people as unstable and not safe for the public and so we cast them away into asylums and clinics in order to “cure” them. These people may be the key to said boundary to the natural and supernatural. Though not all people are idiotic enough to go ranting on what they see, they keep their thoughts to themselves and learn to live with these creatures. Some become powerful and well respected beings of their time, while other may be known as the most inhumane and horrendous people to have lived in the face of the earth.

Chapter 1: My Watcher

The day felt like any other. The morning singing of the birds and the traffic outside the house was not odd. My mother was getting up and ready to go to work and I hear my brother causing a ruckus from my room to his. I, Victor Cole, a junior in Richmond High School, was getting up to change for another day in school. I begin by brushing my teeth, combing my hair, and putting on my school uniform. As I walk out the bedroom door I see her, Mors, with a witty smile on her face.

Mors: Good morning Tory!

I look around to see if anyone is around.

Victor: Aye, morning.

I walk out of my room and walk straight through Mors.

Mors: *Smirk* Don’t you feel cold when doing that Tory?

Victor: I have gotten used to it by now you know.

Mors: Alrighty then. She smiles back

I walk through the hall and go to the counter of the kitchen. I see my mother already dressed for work and is walking towards the front door.

Mother: I will be going off now Victor, be safe while going to school.

Victor: Mother, I am 17 years old. I think I can handle myself by now.

Mother: Look at you, acting all high and mighty. I still see you as my little baby boy!

She walks up to me and hugs me.

Victor: *Blushed* Yes mother, I love you too.

She kisses my forehead and walks once again toward the door.

Mother: Be sure to be on time for school, it is 7:30 already. Also, I will arrive late tonight because things are pretty hectic at work. Make sure to drop off and pick up Peter from school again today. Good-bye!

She closes the door and the house becomes quiet.

Mors: Your mother as always so loving and caring.

Victor: Yes, she is my mother after all.

I walk back to the kitchen and begin to prepare my lunch and my brother’s. I take out all the necessary things to make a sandwich and begin to make them. While doing so I turned on the T.V. that was on the counter and switched it to the news channel. The house is still quiet and at ease, just how I like it.

Mors: Say now Tory, what are you going to do today?

Victor: Well, nothing special. Going to school, come back, get ready for orchestra practice, go to the gym for it is that day again, and come back to do school work.

Mors: Aww, Tory you never have free time anymore for me.

Victor: You know that high school is the most important years of my life and I plan on doing them well to have a good future.

Mors: You used to be more fun when you were little.

Victor: Times change Mors, and so do attitudes and personalities.

Mors: Whatever. Hey, do you think I could-

Victor: Yes Mors, you may come with me to school, but if I do not answer you I don’t want you to get mad at me.

Mors: Yes! Ok then, make lunch so that we can head to school right away.

Victor: Got it.

Light footsteps are heard from the hallway of the house. It was Peter.

Peter: Good morning brother.

Victor: Morning Pete.

Peter was not a typical kid for his age. He has always a bit more advanced than other, even more than me in various ways. He got to talk and walk in an early age, as well as to speak his sentence fluently. He has never gotten a complaint from other teachers and he does not misbehave hear either and he is remarkable in his grades. He was always oddly calm and smart. His intelligence has fascinated me, and he is just 2 years younger than me.

Peter glances next to me and speaks out loud.

Peter: Good morning Mors.

Mors: *smiles* Good morning little man.

Victor: Alright, good thing you both catch up to date. I will finish making lunch and we are off.

Peter: Okay.

Peter walk to the counter in the kitchen and sits on the chair. He sits and watches the T.V.

Victor: Alright then, I am almost done here.

Mors: Oh my Tory, the sandwich looks so good.

Victor: Go away Mors. You do not even eat.

Mors: Aw, I wish I could though. I would like to taste your cooking.

Victor: I do not even thing this is considered cooking.

-BREAKING NEWS-

Female reporter: I am proud to announce that we have captured the notorious criminal, James Galloway. He was captured a few hours ago in the interior of Los Angeles while trying to escape from authorities. The man was upper handed and is now under custody. More news coming in a few minutes.

Victor: Ah, look at that, they finally got him.

Peter: James Galloway, quiet the interesting fellow. He has committed many crimes and succeed it them all. Many other criminals could only dream of his accomplishments.

Victor: He is a murder, thief, contrabandist, kidnapper, you name it.

Peter: Yes, the man is truly remarkable. What a shame that he had to waste such talent in a very bad way.

Mors: Hmm, he looks somewhat familiar.

Victor: Why do you say?

Mors: I do not recall, but he is oddly familiar.

Victor: It is strange for her to say that. The time that I have been with Mors she has never really talked about her past with me or anyone else. Maybe this man could somehow make a connection to it.

Female reporter: And now for a word with the highly acclaimed criminal.

The channel transitions to a room in where there is a room heavily guarded by men. The criminal, James Galloway, is chained to a chair with a force jacket all embracing him. He is tied up like a wild beast.

Peter: *Whistle* Gracious Lord, he must have done a lot to get himself like that.

Victor: Indeed, he must have. What are your thoughts Mors?


I looked at Mors and she was looking at the T.V. with a face that I have not seen her before. She showed concern for the man somehow.

Victor: Mors?

Mors: Ah? Oh, I lost my train of thought for a second.

Victor: Something wrong? Do you remember that man?

Mors: No, it is just that I was thinking other stuff. I was just wondering how cool it is going to be today to go to school.

Victor: Right.

Mors: By the way, we should go already. If we stay here any longer you and Peter might be marked late.

Peter: Yes, I do not want to ruin my perfect attendance Victor.

Victor: Alright then. I just want to see this for a bit longer, a couple of minutes and we are off.

Mors: It isn’t that big of a deal Tory, you could just watch it later on the internet.

Victor: I won’t have the time; let me see it now that I got the time.

Mors: Tory…

Female reporter: We have a newsman on the location of the criminal and is ready to interview.
The door is opened behind the man and a man comes in with a microphone. You could see it was the reporter ready to interview him.

Male reporter: Good morning people of Los Angeles and today I am next to one of the world’s most dangerous men. It would take someone like me to be here wouldn’t you think Mr. Galloway?

James Galloway is just staring straight into nothingness and does not answer the man’s question.

Male reporter: *Hrm* Anyhow, I will ask you a set of questions that I have arranged for you today.

Peter: Cooky reporter I must say. He probably s****ed his pants a bit now there. *Giggles*

Victor: Haha, yes, most likely.

Mors: Tory I say that we should go now.

Victor: Wait for a few more minutes Mors. Plus, if you recognize this man he might give you a clue of your past life don’t you say?

Mors: I do not really care much, I just want to go.

Victor: Yea yea, we will in a bit.

Male reporter: Ok then, I will go on with the first question: What made you start your career as a criminal?

James Galloway:….

Male reporter: Ok, on to the next one. Did you gain anything out of all the things you did over the past years?

James Galloway: Yes.

Male reporter: Would you like to elaborate on what?
James Galloway:….

Male reporter: Ok, moving on.

The reporter is continuing asking him questions while Victor, Peter, and Mors conversed.

Peter: Man, you could see him sweat like a pig from here.

Victor: Yes, he is quiet nervous.

Mors:….

Male reporter: Come on mister, you can at least give me an answer.

James Galloway:…

Male reporter: *sigh* To the other. Did you have any accomplices in your crimes?

James Galloway:…

Male reporter: Ok, movin-

James Galloway: Yes.

Male reporter: Oh, you did? Would you like to say who it is?

James Galloway: My watcher.

Male reporter: There you go people, his- wait, what, your watcher?

Victor: *gasp*

Peter: Something wrong Victor? Victor….

Victor:….

James Galloway: Yes, my watcher Diana.

Male reporter: Ah, a female. Ok then, anything else on her?
James Galloway: She isn’t what you think, what everyone thinks. She is my “fallen angel”.

Male reporter: Aw, well will you look at that. Mr. Galloway has a lover.

James Galloway:….

Male reporter: Eh…sorry, didn’t mean to put you on the spot.

James Galloway: I have a question. Is this thing on live television?

Male reporter: Why indeed it is. Want to say something?

James Galloway: Yes.

James Galloway leans forward to the hand of the reporter in where the microphone is at. He looks at the camera straight into the lens and speaks.

James Galloway: My fellow Watchers. As you are watching this I may or may not have the chance to communicate an extremely important message to you all, due to the very low percentage of people fallen into victims of this. I know about the “imaginary buddy” that you have and you are not alone.

Victor, Peter, and Mors:….

Peter: He knows?

Victor: Another like me?

Mors: We should go now Tory.

Victor: No, wait Mors. I have to hear this.

James Galloway: The “helper” you have is not to be trusted. They only seek one thing, possession of the body.

Victor:….

James Galloway: I will tell you now reporter. I have a buddy and she is standing next to me right at this moment. Diana?
Male reporter: Have you gone mad mister?

Victor: Diana? Mors do you see anybody?

Mors:….

Victor: Mors!

Mors: Ah? Wha? Ah…it is hard to tell.

Victor: Do you see anybody else in there with the criminal?

Mors: Ah…

Victor: Mors! Tell me now.

Mors: I do.

Victor: What is she doing?

Mors: She-she is just looking into the camera.

Victor: Is she saying anything?

Mors: Ah…

Victor: Mors….

Mors: She is-wait.

Victor: Mors?

Peter: Guys stop. You are getting in my nerves.

I suddenly felt the room in a stressed environment, like an uneasy feeling.

James Galloway: To the people watching, there are supernatural beings among us. A form of spirit or angel, I do not know how to say it. I do not for how long they have been with us, but I have witnessed what one of these beings can do. They are an uncommon thing though, with only less than 1% of the population of humans can have it. Those who have them are condemned to a life of hardship and suffering; a life that will be unbearable to stand.

Male reporter: Have you gone mad?

Victor: What is the meaning of that Mors? How does he know of the existence of other beings like you?

Mors: I do not know what he is talking about. I cannot explain.

Victor: You say you see one of those “buddies” there, don’t you? Tell me what it is doing.

-Mors looks into the T.V.-

Mors:….My…..

Victor: What? What is it saying?

Mors: Diana, don’t…

Victor: What is going on?

Mors: Diana, do not do it!

Victor: Mors…

James Galloway: And one last thing my fellow friends, do not ever let it enter your body.

A gun is pointed next to the head of James Galloway and is shot.

Male report: Oh my…Oh my…what have you done?! What have yo-

“Excuse us for the technical errors. We will be back soon.” The T.V. screen showed.

The room was quiet, in silence. No words to be said.

Peter: My gracious Lord…
Victor: Mors…What happened? Mors?

Mors is nowhere to be found and nowhere to be seen. She has disappeared.

Peter: Where is she Victor?

Victor: I do not know.

Suddenly the door in the front of the house is opened and a powerful wind comes through. The boys walk to the door and peek outside. They see Mors standing in outside next to the car smiling.

Mors: Come on guys. Let’s go before it gets late. *Smile*