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Author Topic: Story of Neeharu  (Read 2311 times)

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Offline Aozora

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Story of Neeharu
« on: December 05, 2014, 10:50:55 PM »
STORY OF NEEHARU


Genre

Action, Comedy, Adventure, Shounen

Plot Synopsis
Refugees from the war-torn planet of Zelmar fled to Earth and started a new race known as the Gifted, a superhuman race capable of manipulating their life force and the energy surrounding them. Neeharu is a 14 year old boy who has just been finally accepted to a School for the Gifted after trying many years to be accepted into one. His dream is to become the "Gifted One", who is deemed as the strongest fighter in the world. However, Neeharu's world is turned upside down as he learns of his dark past and the perils that come with it.


Completed Parts
Chapter 1, Part 1

In-Progress
Chapter 1, Part 2

« Last Edit: May 11, 2016, 05:39:48 PM by Aozora »
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

Offline MK

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Re: Story of Neeharu, Chapter 1 (ongoing). Please read!!
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2014, 12:16:36 AM »
I see a lot of things, you don't have to change it to my thoughts but there are quite a bit of things

One thing you can do is give students 1 and 2 some names, now onto specifics...

Page one:
-Panel 1 should be the background of the page with other panels on top of it
-Panel 5 should be moved to the next page to jump out at the reader when they see it
-You should have a note at the bottom saying the gakkou means high school if you intend to have this manga in any language except Japanese

Page two:
-Seems like it has too many big panels and could be split apart
 -Could stop page 2 at panel 4 but it would have 5 panels (one from moving the last panel of page 1 down to page two).  It also creates an effect of "How will Neeharu react after being thrown in the trashcan?" to the reader

Page three:
-A small detail but in panel 3 there should be an alarm clock (analog or digital) so it doesn't seem that Neeharu is psychic about time

Page four:
-Panel 1 could be an non-paneled character clenching his hands to his chest with stars in his eyes (it seems like a tall panel and this way you can hide the bottom portion of the character with another panel; it is a bit wasteful to draw past the waist since it won't add any more emotion unless you change the pose)
 -The second pose you can do is the character jumping with his hands up to express extreme excitement

Page five seems pretty good to me

Page six:
-To make panel 1 more dramatic seriousness you can have a pitch black background and some screentones that darken the face like Omji tilted his head slightly down

Page seven:
-Panel 1 could use a small detail like Omji straightening out a paper stack OR handing them forward (your manga seems to have lots of Japanese culture/words so he would have to be handing the papers facing Zunka with 2 hands a slight bow of the head).  Of course you would have to raise the view a little from flat side view top show both hands and the papers as well
-Panel 7 could also have a dark background to show slight fear.  It said slightly fearful but if you wanted you can invert the panel and it would seem more like he is utterly horrified

Remember, these are just things you CAN do.  You are the writer so you don't have to follow any of these ideas if you wanted to

Offline Aozora

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Re: Story of Neeharu, Chapter 1 (ongoing). Please read!!
« Reply #2 on: December 06, 2014, 12:25:09 AM »
@Matsui Kenshin

These are some really good tips. I appreciate you reading and critiquing it. Thanks.  ;)

Of all your comments I like your one about adding in an alarm clock in page 3 the best. I can't believe I missed that lmao. Such a derpy move by me  :blinkAdmin:
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

Offline Aozora

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Re: Story of Neeharu, Chapter 1 (ongoing). Please read!!
« Reply #3 on: December 07, 2014, 03:38:42 AM »
You can also follow my story on this link everyone! I update it about every 2 days! http://figment.com/books/876977-Story-of-Neeharu
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

Offline MK

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Re: Story of Neeharu, Chapter 1 (ongoing). Please read!!
« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2014, 04:59:45 AM »
Please check the link. I tried using it and it asks me for some sort of access key

Offline Aozora

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Re: Story of Neeharu, Chapter 1 (ongoing). Please read!!
« Reply #5 on: December 07, 2014, 09:07:52 PM »
@Matsui Kenshin Hm, that's weird. I'll look into it. Thanks for letting me know :)
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

Offline Aozora

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Re: Story of Neeharu, Chapter 1 (ongoing). Please read!!
« Reply #6 on: December 07, 2014, 11:04:45 PM »
Here is the access code guys: LP211-V42K4-RHMWS

And the link: http://figment.com/books/876977-Story-of-Neeharu

I'll keep posting the access code everytime I update my story. Please read and give feedback!
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

Offline MK

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Re: Story of Neeharu, Chapter 1 (ongoing). Please read!!
« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2014, 01:10:41 AM »
I checked out the website and it seems to be a bit behind in the story than here.  On the other website the dialogue stops right at page 4 panel 3 where they both say "Humph!" (that could be because I didn't sign up too).  Also I believe you should have your story here to have us help you instead of making us follow it to a different website.

Offline Aozora

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Re: Story of Neeharu, Chapter 1 (ongoing). Please read!!
« Reply #8 on: December 08, 2014, 12:14:10 PM »
@ Matsui Kenshin Okay, you make a good point. I'll start posting the story on here. It's just that it makes reeeaally long posts with so much text but I guess that's better than having to put an access code every time just to read something. And yeah you're right: the story on the website is slightly behind what I have here because I have finals right now XD and haven't been able to work on it as much as I've wanted. Once my finals are over, I'm gonna speed things up a lot.

Two questions for you: Did you like the novel prose or the script style better? Which one was easier to follow?
Also how did you know in Japan they hand something to another person with a slight bow and two hands extended? Did you just google this or were you already familiar with Japanese culture? Thanks Matsui!
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

Offline MK

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Re: Story of Neeharu, Chapter 1 (ongoing). Please read!!
« Reply #9 on: December 08, 2014, 02:09:14 PM »
I prefer your script version more than the novel way. I learned about using 2 hands to pass things because I am taking a Japanese course and that was one of the first things we were taught

Offline Aozora

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Re: Story of Neeharu, Chapter 1 (ongoing). Please read!!
« Reply #10 on: December 11, 2014, 03:29:30 PM »
Ok cool, thanks for your input. I'll be going back to the usual script style then.
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

Offline Aozora

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Re: Story of Neeharu, Chapter 1 (ongoing)
« Reply #11 on: May 04, 2016, 03:33:08 PM »
<-------This is what I found when I opened up this topic again! :push:

I have a habit of switching between different projects and I've decided to resume perhaps the first project I ever conceived. Here's the first chapter, written in a light novel - ish style format. It's not complete but I should have the rest done in the near future hopefully. As always, critiques and feedback are welcome and appreciated. The OP should be updated with plot synopsis and general info soon.

Chapter 1: Not So Gifted
SCENE: KYUUTEN ACADEMY

Shadows begin to disperse as the sun rises in a pink and blue sky, revealing the grand and magnificent campus of KYUUTEN ACADEMY. Three large buildings, cream in color, and with endless rows of windows stand adjacent to one other. The center building differs from the side two only in height, as it was made to also accommodate a clock tower. As the clock’s golden hands loom nearer and nearer to 8 o’ clock, students clad in white and blue uniforms flood the great courtyard. Lush fields span every inch, and vibrant flower plants and trees abound, and snow-white doves soar close above. In the very middle of this oasis lies the school’s hallmark, the statue of its proud and honorable founder, Omji Ryoku.

The long hand now only ten minutes to the hour, students hurry towards the main entrance in droves, laughing and chatting all the while.
---

Yet amidst all this, NEEHARU, a boy of 14 with silver hair, blue eyes, and average build, stands frozen in his place, gawking at the marvel that lays before him.

NEEHARU (thinking): Amazing…

His admiration is cut short however when an exchange between two students catches his attention.
---

JAMES, a rather muscular, tall boy of 14 with yellow hair and gray eyes, bullies NORITO, a lanky boy of the same age who has black hair, brown eyes, and glasses.

JAMES greedily examines the contents of NORITO’s lunchbox.

JAMES (condescending): So what did your mother make for me today?

NORITO musters all his courage.

NORITO: G-g-ive it back!

He immediately regrets his action and begins trembling, as JAMES assumes a menacing expression and leans closer.

JAMES (intimidating): Are you talking ba-

NEEHARU: Oi!

NEEHARU stands before JAMES striking a cool pose, his arms crossed, head held high, and back straight.

NEEHARU: That lunch is meant for him, not your ugly mug.

NEEHARU’s dramatic entrance amuses JAMES, whose lips curl into a smirk.
   
JAMES (condescending): Is that so…?

NORITO, on the other hand, appears visibly relieved and impressed that someone dared stand up to JAMES.

NORITO (thinking): This guy…he’s kinda cool!

NEEHARU and JAMES have a short standoff, eyeing each other intensely.

JAMES (thinking): Let’s see what this loser is made of.

JAMES launches himself at NEEHARU, rushing towards him at blazing speed. NEEHARU is startled and caught off guard.

NEEHARU (thinking): He’s coming! What’s this guy trying to pull?

JAMES grabs NEEHARU and flips him into the air with surprising ease. A stunned NEEHARU catches JAMES’s crooked grin before finding himself hurled into a nearby trash bin.

NEEHARU bangs on the inside of the bin, throwing a noisy tantrum.

NEEHARU: Aah!! Get me out, you bastard!

NEEHARU’s pounding grows increasingly vehement while JAMES walks off, twirling NORITO’s lunchbox in his hand. NORITO looks on at NEEHARU’s pathetic situation in utter and complete disappointment. He leaves shaking his head.

NORITO (muttering to himself): Can’t believe I actually thought he was cool…

After struggling some more, NEEHARU lets his frustration loose.

NEEHARU: If I don’t get this thing off me, I’m gonna be late to class!

NEEHARU’s cry rings throughout the empty courtyard. The clock’s hands tick closer to the hour.

SCENE: ZUNKA’S HOUSE (2 DAYS EARLIER)

Hidden within the woods on the outskirts of town is a small wooden cabin. The first rays of light pierce the gray clouds overhead.
---

ZUNKA, NEEHARU’s guardian, bursts into his bedroom. He is a middle-aged man with blue eyes, a thin goatee, and silver hair tied back into a ponytail. He wears a dark blue hakama (robe).

ZUNKA (excited): Oi Neeharu, wake up! I’ve got something to show you!

NEEHARU wakes slowly and sits upright on his bed, visibly annoyed by his guardian’s noisy entrance.

NEEHARU (tired): Why are you being so loud, old man? It’s only six in the morning…

ZUNKA enthusiastically hands NEEHARU a piece of paper.

ZUNKA: Here, I have a feeling you’ll like this.

NEEHARU takes it with a bit of skepticism and begins reading the letter. His eyes suddenly light up and he turns to ZUNKA wide-eyed with excitement.

NEEHARU: Old man, this is a letter from Kyuuten Academy. They’ve accepted me into their program!

ZUNKA: That’s right! After all these years you’ve finally gotten in. Congratulations, Neeharu.

ZUNKA flashes a warm, broad smile. NEEHARU springs from his bed and the two embrace each other. But they both soon realize the moment had become too intimate and quickly let go, looking away in embarrassment and feigned distaste.

NEEHARU & ZUNKA: Hmph!

SCENE: KYUUTEN ACADEMY, ADMINISTRATION WING

NEEHARU and ZUNKA sit in a waiting area. ZUNKA notices NEEHARU’s leg shaking uncontrollably.

ZUNKA: Can you stop being so restless?

NEEHARU: Why is it taking so long?

Just as NEEHARU finishes his thought, the SECRETARY approaches them.

SECRETARY: The Headmaster is ready to see you now. Please follow me.

The SECRETARY leads them down the hallway to the last door on which there is a plaque emblazoned with the title “HEADMASTER RAKUGO OMJI” in large font. NEEHARU and ZUNKA are ushered inside and the door is closed behind them.

SCENE: HEADMASTER’S OFFICE

Upon entering the room, NEEHARU and ZUNKA are greeted by a rather amiable, old man wearing glasses and a khaki suit. The man’s personality is complemented by the warm atmosphere of his simple, sunlit office, which in addition to the desk has only a couple large bookcases and a large rug lying in the center of the room. A bushy moustache hovers over his wide smile and two distinguishable strands of hair protrude from the bald spot in the middle of his head. As he stands from his desk chair and approaches NEEHARU and ZUNKA his short height and petite stature become readily apparent. He bows slightly.

OMJI: My name is Rakugo Omji and I welcome you to Kyuuten High School!

Both NEEHARU and ZUNKA bow in response. NEEHARU is a bit surprised by the Headmaster’s appearance.

NEEHARU (thinking): This little old man is Headmaster Omji!?

OMJI: Please come take a seat.

OMJI leads NEEHARU and ZUNKA to his desk and sits facing the both of them.

OMJI: Since you are enrolling during the middle of the school year, there are some things we need to take care of. First on the list is placing you in a division…

NEEHARU smiles awkwardly and scratches his head in embarrassment.

NEEHARU: Excuse me but what are these divisions?

OMJI lets out a hearty chuckle.

OMJI: My apologies! I forgot you are not familiar with how the schools for the Gifted work. Allow me to explain. From a young age, Gifted students are divided into three divisions: Combat, Academics, and Service. Students wearing the silver badges represent the Combat division. They train their martial arts skills and eventually participate in professional tournaments to become the “Gifted One”, the title given to the strongest fighter in the world. I’m sure you’ve heard of “Thunder” Taison and “Magic” Rickie, both of whom attended this school.

NEEHARU is overcome with awe.

NEEHARU (thinking): Amazing! I can’t believe two out of the top five fighters in the world studied here. 

OMJI: Those who do not wish to become professional fighters either join the military forces or law enforcement. Students who wear blue badges are in the Academics division. They refine their intellectual abilities and eventually pursue careers in science, engineering, and technology. Finally, the Service division consists of students training to serve the community as doctors, lawyers, teachers, and politicians. These students wear red badges. If you would like, you may have some time to decide which div-

OMJI is surprised when NEEHARU shoots from his seat, striking a confident pose.

NEEHARU (enthusiastic): Earning the title of “Gifted One” is my dream! I would like to join the Combat Division please!

ZUNKA (apathetic): Jeez, you’re always so loud.

OMJI (chuckling): I quite like you my boy!

OMJI reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a box containing a shining silver badge. He extends it to NEEHARU.

OMJI: Here is your badge.

NEEHARU bows as he accepts it.

NEEHARU: Thank you very much!

NEEHARU admires the badge and tries putting it on. ZUNKA watches him with only one eye open, smiling faintly.

OMJI: Excellent! All that’s left is some paperwork for your father to fill out.

The joyous atmosphere dims suddenly. NEEHARU’s expression shows clear signs of sadness.

ZUNKA (sheepish): Oh no, I am not Neeharu’s father, simply his guardian.

This revelation confuses OMJI, as evident from his ponderous expression.

OMJI: I see…I apologize if I created any discomfort.

ZUNKA: No, no. Not at all.

OMJI, NEEHARU, and ZUNKA rise from their seats. OMJI hands ZUNKA the paperwork with a bow, which ZUNKA accepts respectfully.

OMJI: I thank you for making the time to visit today. If you would like, my secretary can you show you around the school.

NEEHARU: Sweet! Thanks Mr. Omji!

NEEHARU rushes out the door while ZUNKA lags behind.

OMJI (chuckling): Lively fellow.

ZUNKA: Too lively sometimes...you have my dearest gratitude for accepting Neeharu into your program.

OMJI: The pleasure is all mine.

ZUNKA is at the door about to exit when OMJI stops him.

OMJI: One second, Mr. Bareta, if you don’t mind.

ZUNK turns around casually.

ZUNKA: Hm?

But once he notices OMJI’s fierce, stern expression and the darkening of the office’s atmosphere, his eyes widen in alarm. OMJI, who begins to appear increasingly menacing, takes a few steps forward and stops at the middle of the room. He glares at ZUNKA.

OMJI: You must think me a fool…

ZUNKA (thinking): What!?

OMJI: You will not leave this room until you tell me…what is the real relation between you and that boy!?

ZUNKA is caught completely off-guard as he stares at OMJI wide-eyed and in complete shock.

SCENE: KYUUTEN ACADEMY, COURTYARD (PRESENT-DAY)

A girl wearing the standard Kyuuten Academy uniform – white blouse, blue skirt - races towards the main entrance of the school, her pale green locks dancing in the wind. A red badge sits comfortably above her left bosom.

HANA (thinking): I better hurry or I might not make it on time.

HANA stops in her tracks when she hears yelling and banging from the side.

---

At this point, NEEHARU is on the verge of giving up.

NEEHARU: Damnit! I’m never getting out of this thing...

Suddenly, he feels the sun against his neck and realizes that the trash bin has vanished.

NEEHARU: Huh?

He looks up to find HANA peering at him with her giant emerald eyes.

HANA: Hi.

NEEHARU yelps and jumps back alarmed.

NEEHARU: Who’re you?

HANA (smiling): I’m Hana Mirumi. What’s your name?

NEEHARU strikes a cool pose.

NEEHARU (confident): Me? I’m the guy who will become the “Gifted One”, Neeharu Bareta!

HANA: Oh, so what were you doing in a trashcan?

HANA’s question ruins NEEHARU’s confident mood as he becomes flustered. He tries to maintain his cool and act accordingly.

NEEHARU: Oh y-you know. I was training.

HANA: Training?

NEEHARU brings his face really close to HANA’s.

NEEHARU (animated): Yes, yes. It’s a very special kind of training that no one else can know about. So it will just be our secret okay?

NEEHARU brings his finger to his lips. The proximity between them two causes HANA to blush and nod shyly.

NEEHARU pulls away from HANA with a confused expression.

NEEHARU: She’s acting kinda weird. Was it my breath?

NEEHARU starts checking his breath by cupping his hands around his mouth. Feeling the situation has become awkward, HANA tries to change the subject.

HANA (timid): We should get to class. It’s already quite late.

NEEHARU immediately stops checking his breath and puts his hands on his head.

NEEHARU (alarmed): *censored* I totally forgot! Do you know how to get to room 224?

HANA (smiling): Yes, I’m going there too. Follow me!

HANA turns around and dashes towards the entrance. NEEHARU follows close behind.

Despite being late on his first day, NEEHARU can’t control his excitement from having been finally accepted to a School for the Gifted, as evident from the cheerful smile on his face.

What I had wrote initially for this story couple years ago (no need to read it unless you want to):
Chapter 1 Old Version (Incomplete)(Manga Script)
PAGE 1 (5 PANELS)

   
Spoiler
PANEL ONE

SHOWS A LARGE FRONT-VIEW OF THE KYUUTEN KOUTOU-GAKKOU AND ITS COURTYARD.

   PANEL TWO

NEEHARU BARETA STANDS IN THE COURTYARD OF KYUUTEN KOUTOU-GAKKOU IN AWE AND EXCITEMENT. HE’S A 15-YEAR-OLD BOY OF AVERAGE BUILD AND HEIGHT WITH GRAYISH-WHITE HAIR AND BLUE EYES. HE WEARS THE SCHOOL UNIFORM, WHITE BUTTON-DOWN COLLARED SHIRT (ONLY HALF TUCKED IN) AND BLUE PANTS WITH A RED TIE, AS WELL AS A SILVER BADGE.   

NEEHARU (speaking gleefully to himself): My first day at a school for the Gifted! I’m so excited!

   PANEL THREE

TO THE SIDE, STUDENT 1 BULLIES STUDENT 2. STUDENT 1 IS TALL AND MUSCULAR WITH YELLOW HAIR, BROWN EYES, AND LONG SIDE-BURNS. HE WEARS THE SCHOOL UNIFORM WITH SILVER BADGE. STUDENT 2, WHO RESEMBLES THE GENERIC MALE NERD, ALSO WEARS SCHOOL UNIFORM WITH BLUE BADGE. NEEHARU NOTICES FROM A DISTANCE.

STUDENT 1 (speaking with a cocky and derogatory tone): Oi, oi! So what did your mother make for me today? 

STUDENT 2 (frightened and stuttering): No, please don’t take my lunch. I’m staying after school today to work on a project and might get hungry.

NEEHARU (from a distance): ...

   PANEL FOUR

STUDENT 1 CONTINUES BULLYING BUT NEEHARU INTERRUPTS.

STUDENT 1 (speaking more menacingly): Are you talking ba-

NEEHARU: Oi!

   PANEL FIVE

NEEHARU (striking a cool pose and speaking confidently): His mother made lunch for him, not your ugly mug.

PAGE 2 (7 PANELS)

   
Spoiler
PANEL ONE

STUDENT 1 LOOKS AT NEEHARU CONDESCENDINGLY AND CHANGES HIS POSTURE TO APPEAR MORE CONFRONTATIONAL, WHILE STUDENT 2 APPEARS RELIEVED.

STUDENT 1 (speaking condescendingly): Is that so...

STUDENT 2 (thinking to himself in amazement): This guy...he’s kinda cool!

   PANEL TWO

STUDENT 1 RUSHES TOWARDS NEEHARU WITH SPEED AND FEROCITY.

   PANEL THREE

NEEHARU SHOWS AN ALARMED EXPRESSION.

NEEHARU (thinking to himself): He’s coming! What’s this guy trying to pull?

   PANEL FOUR

STUDENT 1 GRABS NEEHARU AND FLIPS HIM HEAD FIRST INTO A NEARBY TRASH BIN. STUDENT 1 HAS A CROOKED GRIN WHILE NEEHARU HAS A SHOCKED EXPRESSION.

   PANEL FIVE

STUDENT 2 WATCHES NEEHARU UNIMPRESSEDLY STRUGGLE WHILE STUDENT 1 GLEEFULLY WALKS OFF WITH STUDENT 2’S LUNCH IN THE BACKGROUND.

NEEHARU: Aah! Get me out, you bastard!

STUDENT 2: ...

STUDENT 1: I stuffed a kid and bagged free lunch. What a great day it’s been so far!

   PANEL SIX

STUDENT 2 WALKS AWAY WITH A MUNDANE EXPRESSION WHILE NEEHARU CONTINUES TO STRUGGLE WITH THE TRASH BIN.

STUDENT 2 (shaking his head): So not cool...

   PANEL SEVEN

NEEHARU STILL STRUGGLES TO GET OUT.

NEEHARU (speaking with frustration): *censored*! If I don’t get this thing off me, I’m gonna be late to class!

PAGE 3 (5 PANELS)

   
Spoiler
PANEL ONE

SCENE SUDDENLY SHIFTS TO TWO DAYS EARLIER AS NOTED BY A TEXT BOX. WE SEE A SMALL ISOLATED WOODEN CABIN SURROUNDED BY DENSE FORESTRY.

   PANEL TWO

ZUNKA, NEEHARU’S GUARDIAN, BURSTS INTO NEEHARU’S BEDROOM WITH EXCITEMENT AND GLEE. HE’S A MIDDLE-AGED MAN WITH BLUE EYES, THIN GOATEE, AND GRAYISH-WHITE HAIR (LIKE NEEHARU) THAT IS TIED BACK IN A LONG PONYTAIL. HE WEARS A DARK BLUE HAKAMA (JAPANESE MARTIAL ARTS UNIFORM).

ZUNKA: Oi Neeharu, wake up! I’ve got something to show you!

   PANEL THREE

NEEHARU WAKES UP LETHARGICALLY AND APPEARS TIRED. HE SITS UPRIGHT STILL IN BED.

NEEHARU: Why are you being so loud, Jiji (“old man” in Japanese)? It’s only seven in the morning...

   PANEL FOUR

ZUNKA ENTHUSIASTICALLY HANDS NEEHARU A PAPER. NEEHARU LAZILY GETS OUT OF BED TO TAKE IT.

ZUNKA (smiling): Here, take a look at it!

   PANEL FIVE

NEEHARU LOOKS AT THE PAPER WITH A SURPRISED EXPRESSION. HE NO LONGER APPEARS UNENERGETIC.

NEEHARU: Oi Jiji, this is a letter from Kyuuten Kotou-Gakkou, a school for the Gifted. They’re inviting me to attend their school!

PAGE 4 (5 PANELS)

   
Spoiler
PANEL ONE

NOW FULL OF EXCITEMENT AND ENERGY NEEHARU LOOKS UP FROM THE PAPER AT ZUNKA.

ZUNKA (gleefully): Yep, that’s right! After all these years, you’ve finally been accepted into one.

   PANEL TWO

NEEHARU HUGS ZUNKA IN EXCITEMENT. BOTH ARE SMILING.

   PANEL THREE

THE ENERGETIC ATMOSPHERE IS QUICKLY DISPELLED WHEN NEEHARU AND ZUNKA LET GO OF EACH OTHER AND LOOK AWAY IN EMBARASSMENT AND FEIGNED DISTASTE. 

NEEHARU & ZUNKA: Hmph!

   PANEL FOUR

SCENE SHIFTS TO KYUUTEN KOTOU-GAKKOU. WE SEE THE SCHOOL’S CENTRAL BRICK BUILDING WITH GIANT CLOCK.

   PANEL FIVE

SCENE SHIFTS AGAIN TO PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE. WE SEE A DOOR WITH A SIGN THAT READS “PRINCIPAL OMJI”.

PAGE 5 (5 PANELS)

   
Spoiler
PANEL ONE

PRINCIPAL KONAN OMJI SITS AT HIS DESK GREETING NEEHARU AND ZUNKA WITH A WIDE GRIN. HE IS A SEEMINGLY PLEASANT AND HARMLESS ELDERY (50-60 YEARS IN AGE) MAN OF SMALL HEIGHT AND BUILD WITH BROWN EYES AND SHORT GRAY HAIR THAT IS COMBED OVER HIS BALD SPOT. HE WEARS A BROWN COAT, WHITE SHIRT, AND GRAY PANTS WITH RED TIE.

OMJI (cheerfully): Thank you very much for choosing to attend Kyuuten Kotou-Gakkou!

   PANEL TWO

SHOWS A SIDE VIEW OF PRINCIPAL OMJI’S OFFICE WITH LARGE BOOKCASES, RUG, DESK, AND OTHER DECORATIONS. AT THE DESK, OMJI SITS ON ONE SIDE WHILE NEEHARU AND ZUNKA SIT ON THE OTHER.

OMJI: Since you are enrolling after the school year has already begun, there are some things that need to be taken care of. First of which is deciding which division you would like to join...

   PANEL THREE

BOTH NEEHARU AND ZUNKA HAVE CONFUSED EXPRESSIONS.

NEEHARU: Hmm, could you explain what are these divisions?

   PANEL FOUR

OMJI CHUCKLES AND THEN STARTS EXPLAINING ABOUT DIVISIONS.

OMJI: Hohoho, my apologies! I forgot you are not familiar with the system of schools for the Gifted. Allow me to explain.
   
PAGE 6 (6 PANELS)

Spoiler
PANEL ONE

OMJI EXPLAINS ABOUT THE DIVISIONS, WHILE THE TWO SILHOUETTES OF “THUNDER” TAISON AND “MAGIC” RICKIE ARE SHOWN IN THE BACKGROUND. 

OMJI (speaking more seriously and didactically): From a young age, Gifted students are divided into three divisions: Combat, Academics, and Service. Students in the Combat division wear silver badges. They train their martial arts skills and eventually participate in professional tournaments to reach the title of “Strongest Fighter in the World”. I’m sure you’ve heard of “Thunder” Taison and “Magic” Rickie, both of whom studied at this school.

   PANEL TWO

SCENE SHIFTS TO NEEHARU TEMPORARILY.

NEEHARU (thinking to himself in amazement): Amazing!! I can’t believe two out of the top five fighters in the world studied here.

   PANEL THREE

OMJI CONTINUES HIS EXPLANATION OF DIVISIONS.

OMJI: Students, who wear blue badges, are in the Academics division. They refine their intellectual abilities and eventually pursue careers in science, engineering, and technology. Finally, the Service division consists of students training to serve the community as doctors, crime fighters, or teachers. These students wear red badges.

   PANEL FOUR

NEEHARU EXPRESSES HIS UNDERSTANDING AND ASKS FOR THE SILVER BADGE.

NEEHARU (confidently and enthusiastically): Earning the title of “Strongest Fighter in the World” is my dream. I would like to join the Combat division please!

   PANEL FIVE
 
OMJI HANDS NEEHARU THE SILVER BADGE WITH A SMILE WHILE NEEHARU HAS A WIDE GRIN ON HIS FACE.

OMJI (chuckling): I appreciate your enthusiasm, my boy! Here is your silver badge.

   PANEL SIX

NEEHARU EXCITEDLY PUTS ON HIS SILVER BADGE. ZUNKA WATCHES HIM WITH A SMILE.

PAGE 7 (7 PANELS)

   
Spoiler
PANEL ONE

WE SEE A SIDE-SHOT OF OMJI, NEEHARU, AND ZUNKA. ONLY OMJI IS TALKING IN THIS SCENE.

OMJI: And lastly, I just have some paperwork for your father to fill out.

   PANEL TWO

THIS SCENE IS TAKEN FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF A CAMERA POSITIONED BEHIND OMJI. OMJI’S EXPRESSION CANNOT BE SEEN BUT WE CAN SEE THE EXPRESSIONS OF ZUNKA AND NEEHARU. ZUNKA HUMBLY CORRECTS OMJI AND NEEHARU FIDDLES WITH HIS BADGE.

ZUNKA (smiling and slightly embarrassed): Oh no, I am not Neeharu’s father, just simply his guardian.

OMJI (confused): My mistake. You both look very alike.

   PANEL THREE

NEEHARU AND ZUNKA RESPOND AT THE SAME TIME AND TALK OVER EACH OTHER. SCENE TRIES TO DRAW COMEDIC IRONY FROM THE FACT THAT NEEHAR AND ZUNKA DO INDEED LOOK ALIKE ALTHOUGH THEY DENY IT.

NEEHARU (talking over Zunka): There’s no way I look like him.

ZUNKA (talking over Neeharu): Really? I don’t see it.

   PANEL FOUR

NEEHARU AND ZUNKA ARE PREPARING TO LEAVE OMJI’S OFFICE. ALL CHARACTERS ARE STANDING. ZUNKA HOLDS THE PAPERWORK IN HIS HAND.

OMJI: Thank you for visiting! I’ll see you again sometime.

   PANEL FIVE

WE SEE A SIDE VIEW OF OMJI’S ENTIRE OFFICE. NEEHARU IS HALFWAY THROUGH THE DOOR AND ZUNKA IS ABOUT TO EXIT WHEN HE IS STOPPED BY OMJI, WHO IS SITTING DOWN IN HIS CHAIR.

OMJI: One second, Mr. Bareta...

   PANEL SIX

SCENE STRONLY FOCUSES ON OMJI’S FACE. THIS SEEMINGLY HARMLESS MAN NOW APPEARS ANGRY AND MENACING, AND HIS EYES ARE FIERCE.

OMJI (menacingly): I seem to appear as an idiot to you…but you must tell me what is the real relation between you and that boy!

   PANEL SEVEN

SCENE HEAVILY FOCUSES ON ZUNKA’S FACE. HE WAS JUST ABOUT TO LEAVE BUT NOW LOOKS AT OMJI WITH A STUNNED AND SLIGHTLY FEARFUL EXPRESSION.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2016, 05:36:01 PM by Aozora »
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349

Offline Flames

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Re: Story of Neeharu
« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2016, 05:17:38 PM »
Hey! Not sure if its completed yet, but you asked so I assume this is what your base is.

So far, I think more explaining the school and its systems would do you good. Like, explain how exactly does one become gifted, or rather "rank up" so to speak. I know its the first chapter and all, and I'm not sure your finished or not.

Maybe hint at the M.c having some ability, which I guess he kind of does..? From what I can tell from the school headmaster and his guardian. Maybe hint it somehow, or if not, ignore this completely. Like if your doing a "Loser" Rises up type of development, hard work etc.

Also, maybe give the girl more screen time or lines, if shes going to be the leading female. Make their meetings maybe more substantial. Rather then her just finding him and say, hey lets get to class. Maybe she was looking for him, or had a different reason for finding him there, something like that.

I'm not in any means right, totally up to you, but that's what I picked up on what you have so far.
Message me for any assistance you need! I'd be glad to help.

Offline Aozora

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Re: Story of Neeharu
« Reply #13 on: May 12, 2016, 11:31:20 AM »
Thanks for the review Flames. I was hoping to finish a bit more of my story before people started critiquing it, but hey, no complaints here! Explaining who the Gifted are, where they're from, and how they're powers work is still on my to do list. I'm just trying to provide that information little by little just so that it doesn't feel like an info dump. Also the reason why the MC has not been accepted into a school for the Gifted before despite having powers and what exactly his powers are is not a mystery per se but one of the biggest questions that have yet to be answered so that will be revealed as a surprise kind of. I appreciate the tips and you should see a review from me soon!
The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

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Offline Aozora

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Re: Story of Neeharu
« Reply #14 on: October 02, 2016, 03:38:34 AM »
Chapter 1: Not So Gifted ctd.
SCENE: KYUUTEN ACADEMY, CLASSROOM

HANA and NEEHARU burst into a classroom lined with four columns of desks. The eyes of twenty students are fixed on the two latecomers. However, the only gaze that HANA and NEEHARU notice is that of the teacher, MADAME SHIRLEY, a rather tall, burly middle-aged woman. Her raven black hair is tied back into a tight bun and her brown eyes show sharply over her red, rectangular spectacles. A black formal top and black skirt try to reign in her large bosoms and powerful thighs but with little success. A crimson scarf, black stockings, and black shoes add the finishing touch.

Upon noticing the glare from her teacher, HANA, visibly tense, immediately drops to a bow.

HANA: Madame Shirley, please forgive us for our tardiness.

While bowing, HANA shoots NEEHARU a quick glance. Understanding her tacit message with a bit of a jolt, NEEHARU bows, as well.

   NEEHARU (insincere): Yes, we are very sorry!

MADAME SHIRLEY slaps the ruler loudly against the palm of her hand and glances at the clock before returning her gaze to NEEHARU AND HANA.

SHIRLEY: Five minutes late! I must say I’m disappointed. I would not have expected you of all people to be late, Hana!

She turns away, showing her back slightly and rests the ruler on her shoulder as though it is some mighty weapon.

SHIRLEY: Anyways, I’ll let it slide this time. Don’t let it happen again!

   HANA: Th-thank you Madame Shirley!

HANA straightens from her half bow and scurries off to her seat. NEEHARU starts following nonchalantly behind her with his hands crossed behind his head to one of the seats in the back but then a ruler comes flying down and stops inches away from his face, blocking his path. He looks up to find MADAME SHIRLEY staring angrily at him.

   SHIRLEY (menacing): I don’t recall excusing you...

NEEHARU smiles awkwardly to appear innocent.

   NEEHARU (tense): I uh...

MADAME SHIRLEY examines her attendance sheet.

SHIRLEY: Neeharu Bareta. So you’re the new transfer student...

She brings her face uncomfortably close to NEEHARU’s, fixing her intimidating gaze onto him. NEEHARU leans back slightly with a terrified expression in order create more space between them.

SHIRLEY: You seem like the troublemaker type, so I’ll have you sit right...there!

MADAME SHIRLEY points to a desk positioned right in front of the teacher’s desk at the very front of the classroom.

   NEEHARU (thinking): Jeez, of all the seats that are open...

As NEEHARU goes to take his seat, MADAME SHIRLEY appears suddenly behind him in such close proximity that he can feel her breath against his neck.

SHIRLEY: I’ve got my eyes on you so don’t even think about trying anything.

NEEHARU: Eeeeh!

NEEHARU takes his seat visibly stricken.

   NEEHARU (thinking): What a creepy lady.

MADAME SHIRLEY smacks the ruler against the blackboard securing the attention of all the students. She points to large letters written in white chalk that read “HISTORY REVIEW”.

SHIRLEY: Your knowledge on the history of the Gifted people will be tested next week. So I suggest you all listen up if you want to do well!

She walks away from the blackboard towards the front of the classroom, clenching the ruler in the palm of her hand as though she is ready to whack someone with it any moment.

SHIRLEY: Who can tell me the home planet from which our ancestors migrated?

Only one hand rises slowly, and it belongs to none other than HANA.

   SHIRLEY: Yes, Hana.

HANA: Our ancestors migrated from the planet Zelmar approximately 100 years ago.

SHIRLEY: Okay. And what were the circumstances that led to our ancestors migrating?

HANA is the sole volunteer once more, and MADAME SHIRLEY calls on her to answer.

HANA: Our ancestors were trying to escape the war between the rulers of Zelmar, who were known as the “Bloody Kings”.

SHIRLEY: Good. How did our ancestors adapt to society when they arrived on Earth?

HANA raises her hand again.

   SHIRLEY: Someone other than Hana!

Everyone’s attention is diverted to the front of the classroom, where NEEHARU sits asleep and snoring loudly. Fuming, MADAME SHIRLEY approaches NEEHARU and whacks NEEHARU on the head repeatedly with her ruler.

   NEEHARU: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

NEEHARU wakes with a jolt, yelping in pain. He has his hands on his head.

   NEEHARU: What the hell was that for!

SHIRLEY: I told you I had my eye on you! I better not catch you dozing off again!
NEEHARU: This class is boooring! I already know all this stuff.

SHIRLEY: Don’t get cocky boy! If you’re so smart, then answer my question.

NEEHARU stares at MADAME SHIRLEY with a blank expression. To this, MADAME SHIRLEY knocks him comically on the head with her ruler again.

SHIRLEY: Of course you don’t know what the question is! Tell me how our ancestors became accustomed to life on Earth!

NEEHARU gives MADAME SHIRLEY an inquisitive look.

NEEHARU: Because they were raised like regular humans. Your question doesn’t make much sense. They didn’t have to get used to living on Earth ‘cause most of them were infants and toddlers when they came here, so they grew up living a normal life for the most part. Only reason we know anything about what happened on Zelmar is because our ancestors’ parents made sure to include a letter or a note in the capsules about what was going on at the time and why they were sending their kids away. But our ancestors themselves don’t remember much about what was going on at the time because most of them were too young.

A moment of stunned silence fills the room. MADAME SHIRLEY simply clears her throat and pushes her spectacles closer to the ridge of her nose.

   SHIRLEY (calmly): Fantastic answer.

MADAME SHIRLEY continues her review of Zelmarian history.

Meanwhile, a brown-haired boy of the same age sitting diagonally behind NEEHARU, whose metallic eyes had been oozing boredom and disinterest up until now, takes sudden interest in NEEHARU and peers at him through the long strands of his hair. Unbeknownst to this, NEEHARU is simply content that he was able to answer MADAME SHIRLEY’S question so well, being so easily flattered by the compliment he received for his answer.

---
       
SCENE: KYUUTEN ACADEMY, CAFETERIA

Lunchtime at KYUUTEN ACAMEDY is best described as one crowded ruckus. Students fill every nook and cranny and pile into long lines at the various food stalls, chatting, joking, and mingling all the while. Here, divisional barriers are nonexistent as the popular silver-badged students in the Combat Division can be found mixing with the lesser known blue-badged folks from the Academics Division.

After waiting through a line to acquire a meal that was not worth the excruciatingly long wait, NEEHARU wanders aimlessly, scouring for a place to sit. He decides to check outside where the crowds are much thinner, but still lively. He is able to locate a few tables where he could sit. At one of the tables sits the brown-haired boy seemingly in deep contemplation, his stone-colored eyes almost as cold as his expression.

   NEEHARU (thinking): Eeh! Too dark!

NEEHARU then notices the burning red of a girl’s long, silken hair, a fierce yet elegant combination. Her silver badge sits proudly atop her blouse, as some poor, terrified fellow from the Academics Division, polishes her shoes. She looks around angrily for her next victim.

NEEHARU (thinking): Eeh! Too scary!

NEEHARU finally finds someone who looks relatively normal. The reserved boy quietly eating his food has short, black unruly hair and a physique like that of a boxer, as well as the coveted silver badge. NEEHARU approaches him.

   NEEHARU: Hey, do you mind if I sit here?

The boy does not answer or even react to NEEHARU’S presence, causing NEEHARU to feel a bit awkward. NEEHARU is about to ask again when the boy starts to speak without looking at NEEHARU.

RET: You can sit wherever you want. You don’t have to ask for my permission.

NEEHARU (thinking): Thanks, Captain Obvious!

NEEHARU takes his seat and the two eat in silence, when suddenly HANA appears, sitting next to NEEHARU across from the boy.

     HANA: Hi.

NEEHARU: Oh, hey.

HANA: Neeru, right?

NEEHARU: It’s uh Neeharu-

Though NEEHARU tries to correct HANA, she ignores him and continues with the conversation in a comical sort of way.

HANA: You answered that question in class really well.

She refers to the boy sitting across from her.

HANA: Do you know Ret?

Based on NEEHARU’S reluctance, HANA decides to introduce them.

   HANA: Ret, this is Neeru.

   NEEHARU: P-please, it’s Neeha-

NEEHARU is again comically cut off and ignored.

HANA (innocently): He’s a new transfer student. I found him in a trashcan.

NEEHARU (thinking): What the hell’s wrong with this girl!?

HANA (to NEEHARU): We’re good family friends. I’ve known Ret since we were really young. He used to eat his own boogers.

RET seemed used to HANA’s embarrassing comments and was completely unfazed by it. He finally fixed his sight upon NEEHARU, particularly his badge and stopped eating.

RET: So let me guess. Another goof-off fantasizing about becoming the “Gifted One”?

HANA: Ret!

She turns to NEEHARU, who is visibly upset, to deescalate the situation, but this time she is the one who is ignored.

   NEEHARU (irritated): What did you say?

RET: I could tell you’re one of those as soon as I saw you. It’s the same story. Dreams of becoming the “Gifted One” since childhood, joins the Combatant Division, and shows off that silver badge like it’s some sort of status symbol. But they all come crashing back down to reality soon enough.

NEEHARU (angry): Buddy, I don’t know what you think you know about me but let me make this clear to you. I will become the “Gifted One”. And not you or anybody can stop me from doing that.

RET lets out a caustic chuckle.

RET: I’m curious to see whether you’ll still be this confident after getting crushed.

NEEHARU gets up from his seat with a furious expression.

NEEHARU: Bastard! You can put down others’ aspirations and hardwork all you want, but someone who doesn’t have any themselves or doesn’t appreciate the value of this badge, is unfit to wear it!

RET’s eyes widen and he stands up from his seat enraged, as well.

RET: I know the value of this badge more than anyone else here so you better shut the hell up before I knock you out!

   NEEHARU: Go ahead and try!

At this point, RET AND NEEHARU are at each other’s throats, staring each other down. HANA intervenes grabbing RET by the shoulder and bringing him out of his furor.

   HANA: Ret, please calm down. Please, Ret. Your mom, she-

RET pulls his shoulder away from HANA with a jolt.

RET (annoyed): Be quiet!

HANA’s expression makes RET immediately regret his reaction. He turns around to leave.

   RET: Waste of my time. He’ll learn soon enough.

HANA tries to make peace with NEEHARU as well but he walks away, upset and frustrated as well.
---

SCENE: KYUUTEN ACADEMY, GYM

All combative training takes place at the KYUUTEN ACADEMY GYM, an enormous rectangular platform walled off on all sides. Banners of the students from previous years’ accomplishments at various local, regional, and national fighting tournaments line almost two of the walls completely. It is no wonder KYUUTEN ACADEMY’s Combative Division is so highly regarded the world over.

NEEHARU and the rest of the students wait for their trainer to arrive. Some chat, others stretch and warm up, and a few wait idly, NEEHARU one among them. He scans the motley group of students, and notices that JAMES is in his squad, Squad C (there are five squads for every grade level). Feeling a bit riled from his previous encounter with RET, NEEHARU decides to let his frustration loose and confronts JAMES, who is laughing and chatting with two others.

NEEHARU: Oi!

JAMES doesn’t respond.

NEEHARU: Oi! I’m talking to you!

JAMES continues to ignore NEEHARU until one of his friends informs him that NEEHARU is trying to get his attention. JAMES turns to find NEEHARU glaring at him.
           
   NEEHARU: Remember me?

   JAMES: Uh…oh yeah, from this morning!

He then starts explaining and laughing about the incident with his friends, but NEEHARU is not amused.

   NEEHARU: You and your lackeys done?

They stop laughing and JAMES raises an eyebrow.

JAMES: You might want to change the way you talk to me. Last time somebody addressed me like that, they ended up in the hospital.

NEEHARU: Well then, let’s see it. Let’s see how tough you really are.

JAMES (scoffs): Is a piece of *censored* like you really trying to challenge me to a fight?

NEEHARU doesn’t respond but simply locks eyes with JAMES.

   JAMES: Fine.

All of the students are shocked to see JAMES and NEEHARU walking towards the center of the gym. Comments like “Is that the new kid?” and “Is he really trying to pick a fight with James” run through the crowd. They both take their positions several meters apart. Once the crowd goes silent, NEEHARU bows slightly, as he had seen this customary formality in professional matches on TV, but JAMES does not return the gesture.

Neither make their move first. JAMES simply stands in place with the most disinterested expression.

JAMES: Fine, I guess I’ll come to you.

JAMES makes a dash, similar to what he had done in the morning but this time NEEHARU was ready for it, neatly rolling out of the way. JAMES comes at him again and throws a punch. NEEHARU dodges and returns one. Unfortunately, it does barely anything to JAMES who tries to throw another punch but misses narrowly due to NEEHARU leaping away at the last second.

JAMES: I’m getting bored. Use your ability already.

NEEHARU doesn’t react in any way, for the problem was that he has no ability, at least to his knowledge. A transparent layer starts to envelop JAMES’ fists, as he starts to make his way towards NEEHARU.

NEEHARU lets loose a flurry of punches but none of them leave a mark and just before he could escape JAMES grabs him by the collar of his shirt and lifts him up. JAMES then pulls his arm back and digs his fist into NEEHARU’s stomach. NEEHARU convulses from the impact, his eyes popping from their sockets and blood shooting from his mouth. He drops to the ground and immediately keels over, clutching his stomach, while his body twitches from the pain. NEEHARU remembers his exchange with RET from earlier and tears start to form in his eyes due to the humiliation.

HANA watches worried, while RET, who is standing next to her, closes his eyes and exhales disappointedly. The brown-haired boy watches with a stoic expression, and the red-haired girl thinks to herself: “He had guts challenging James but nothing to back it up.”

JAMES picks up NEEHARU by the neck of his collar to meet him face-to-face. NEEHARU is fast losing consciousness and could barely keep his eyes open.

JAMES: Did you really think you could defeat me, James the Mighty!? Usually, I would stop here but I’m not satisfied.

All the students become tense. JAMES’ bloodlust is palpable.

JAMES (menacing): You deserve to be punished for wasting my time.

JAMES pulls his arm back to throw another punch at NEEHARU, but RET intercepts it, clasping JAMES’s fist in the palm of his hand. JAMES drops NEEHARU, and glares at RET menacingly, who is not in the least bit intimidated.

   JAMES: So you want to have a go at me too?

Before the situation could worsen, however, a loud voice boomed “STOP”, causing RET and even JAMES to immediately back down. NEEHARU could make out the distinct silhouette of a physically built older man. “Someone go call the nurses!” is all NEEHARU could make out before losing consciousness.

The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it.

Check out my stories here: http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php?topic=12492.msg213349#msg213349