Elemental Order

[Peraso]

Hello there community of Manga Raiders. I come here to present my very first story in which I want to present to you people. This is my very first idea of a story so if you don't like it I am sorry since this is my first time doing this.

*Now, with that said, this story will not stay like this throughout the whole time. There may be a time in where I will have to rephrase parts in the story due to some misunderstandings that I may have been provided in the first chapters. With that said, I will say when the changes in some chapters take place and I will add a date on to each of them to show the last time it was checked.*

Anyways on to the main point.

Type of genre: Supernatural, Dark Fantasy, Action, Phychological, Mystery, (possible) Horror, Light Humor

Plot: Elemental Order is a school ,in Aurora, of this world in which it takes people from different regions of the world and trains them to be "Elemental" masters of their element. Two brothers,Edon and Lance, find themselves with the skill of lightning and Edon wants to go to Elemental Order to become a lightning 'Elemental' and wanting to get out of his criminal past. They are orphans living from place to place with no definite home. One day Edon wants to leave the region of Ciana to go to Aurora with Lance, and so they begin their rigorous adventure for greatness.

Chapter 1: The Dream: Last check (7/15/15)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1FeMNEzCG6YRf_yFqhicnuLae40qkHS6wACzt7a9dSiQ/edit?usp=sharing


Chapter 2: Lord Zarus: Last check (3/29/15)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1KdNscGu1ha-G086_eSJoGV9P08KzhXQjbelIvxT1EWY/edit?usp=sharing


Chapter 3: Company Arrives: Last check (3/29/15)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ktrl1LPx8Xy-Z8ILV_HoYFN08Cinb2JUIH6b7yOiX_E/edit?usp=sharing


Chapter 4: Acceptance: Last check (3/29/15)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EquYdMNKniOHqFr78b9xdYE4sRl9NQUUbMRDzsD_3tM/edit?usp=sharing


Chapter 5: Agreements: Last check (3/29/15)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1k2C_XAiUREyFjC7V6jO12k2hl5FYjbJ87fUZMZWXLNI/edit?usp=sharing


Chapter 6: Training Grounds: Last check (7/17/15)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XEpZrR34ucgmrytkSe5bL230CYJF05x60XF7t-Mb0Zk/edit?usp=sharing


Chapter 7: Dark Malignancy: Last check (7/17/15)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/11VcotTx0U3mrerFBNrtpA2SP1-4z31oGPVP9hxUNzOs/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter 8: Truths: Last check (5/17/15)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/12ClOlmiZRiwrl8xn89RdCLwU-fozCrLt_d4RbkXkfzI/edit?usp=sharing

Chapter 9: A Making: Last check (6/26/15)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/18G1KDcdNNLTy6KF2Xli56_iAKydyr5Gb524SBGQ8des/edit?usp=docslist_api

Chapter 10: Bitter Encounters pt.1: Last check (8/2/15)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/104JOewJc-qn9Tl12qEwHe8GHd1EULM1_yQ-fMsVem2o/edit?usp=docslist_api

Chapter 11:Bitter Encounters pt.2: Last check (8/2/15)
https://docs.google.com/document/d/16P6UOEPUiCdM6bsgRRih0u1dPy-Pigwec-JrxuoRnNw/edit?usp=docslist_api

Chapter 12: Rebel move
(Link will come later)


Here is chapter 12! I hope you enjoy it and please go ahead and leave your thoughts on the comments. I will accept critique and opinions. Chapter 13 to be released.

Hope you enjoy and thanks for reading!

~Peraso



A bit of information to add to format. So my writing style concerns me in the way that the readers may not be able to understand when I use bold, italics, or underlined words. I clear that here.

Bold: When I put bold letters in character's lines it means that they are thinking to themselves. No one can hear them, therefore basically having his own thoghts.

Italics: When using italics it would be when I refer to a statement as either important or sarcastically. Do not be confused with this for it would be pretty obvious when one is being used from the other one.

underlined: This may be used for overstating a phrase, to make it stand out or so.

Bold and Italics: This will be majorily used for the transactions in the story, for example: "Meanwhile in Ciana".

That would conclude the brief explaination for my story writing.

Story Project has been Resumed
(03/29/2015)

[Unorthodox Tech]

Hi, Peraso!
I read the fragment here and honestly, I think it's very interesting! I enjoy the thought of elementals and such.
Your grammar might need a little work, but everything else is well done. Also, I don't really think it's necessary to put Elemental in quotation marks every time you use the word, just the capital "e" is enough.
Still, it seems like a good plot and if you incorporate the genres you mentioned properly, I think your story will be a great success!

[Peraso]

Hi, Peraso!
I read the fragment here and honestly, I think it's very interesting! I enjoy the thought of elementals and such.
Your grammar might need a little work, but everything else is well done. Also, I don't really think it's necessary to put Elemental in quotation marks every time you use the word, just the capital "e" is enough.
Still, it seems like a good plot and if you incorporate the genres you mentioned properly, I think your story will be a great success!

Thanks you for your feedback! I am working on improving (hopefully) my writing and see how that leads me. I appreciate your feedback and I will try to work harder on this.

[Dr.Striker]

Yeah, you should have posted this in the same thread of chapter 1. I don't know how to proceed now.

Anyway, I had to search for chapter 1 since it's not here.

My thoughts:

Not bad... not bad at all.

You have a solid plot. Two brothers want to reach that Element Order. Fair enough.
They have the power of using lightening to protect themselves. Good.
They find enemies in the way, they fight them in interesting ways. This is a strong point of chapter 3 I think, I was really disliking Edon but he proved to be the most powerful killing machine of the two brothers, despite his unwillingness to hurt others.
 The duo are well done.
Whatsmore, you have improved greatly in grammar, scenery and organization of  the dialogues and narration. Especially chapter 2. It's so neatly organized and explicit than I can really picture what is going on in every scene.

There is a feeling of danger all the time, especially because of Edon, he really makes it seem like they are screwed. Lance is interesting too, I was surprised when he started frying people.

The cons:
Chapter 2. It's a very short chapter. If you had something else to include there and didn't do it, consider it adding it to that chapter, there is space. Of course, if you really meant it to be such a short chapter it's okay. But it may be too different from chapter 1 and 3. Apart from that, my favourite so far. It explains the conflict.

Chapter 3. Too much narrration. Maybe you could add some more dialogue? I think.

A group of soldiers begin to surround him. “We got them! We won!” A soldier shouts out

I was rooting a little for the soldiers at that part. The poor guys don't have any powers. They must rely on merely bows and arrows to defeat the overpowered elementals. I would be surprised if they actually defeated any (and that would be interesting to see too.)
 Besides, they are cheering as if the just won a major and intense battle, for Lance it's just aim and shoot. But for them its a nightmare!

Otherwise, very nice. I cannot believe how much better these are from the first chapter and the story is pretty solid in itself.

[Lovus Eternius]

I think that I will continue to read this when more is written.

[Peraso]

Yeah, you should have posted this in the same thread of chapter 1. I don't know how to proceed now.

Anyway, I had to search for chapter 1 since it's not here.

My thoughts:

Not bad... not bad at all.

You have a solid plot. Two brothers want to reach that Element Order. Fair enough.
They have the power of using lightening to protect themselves. Good.
They find enemies in the way, they fight them in interesting ways. This is a strong point of chapter 3 I think, I was really disliking Edon but he proved to be the most powerful killing machine of the two brothers, despite his unwillingness to hurt others.
 The duo are well done.
Whatsmore, you have improved greatly in grammar, scenery and organization of  the dialogues and narration. Especially chapter 2. It's so neatly organized and explicit than I can really picture what is going on in every scene.

There is a feeling of danger all the time, especially because of Edon, he really makes it seem like they are screwed. Lance is interesting too, I was surprised when he started frying people.

The cons:
Chapter 2. It's a very short chapter. If you had something else to include there and didn't do it, consider it adding it to that chapter, there is space. Of course, if you really meant it to be such a short chapter it's okay. But it may be too different from chapter 1 and 3. Apart from that, my favourite so far. It explains the conflict.

Chapter 3. Too much narrration. Maybe you could add some more dialogue? I think.

A group of soldiers begin to surround him. “We got them! We won!” A soldier shouts out

I was rooting a little for the soldiers at that part. The poor guys don't have any powers. They must rely on merely bows and arrows to defeat the overpowered elementals. I would be surprised if they actually defeated any (and that would be interesting to see too.)
 Besides, they are cheering as if the just won a major and intense battle, for Lance it's just aim and shoot. But for them its a nightmare!

Otherwise, very nice. I cannot believe how much better these are from the first chapter and the story is pretty solid in itself.

I thank you for your opinion. I was hoping to see someone say if I should writemit down my script or like a book, guess I got it. I will modify the rest of the chapters to this, which is no problem. I will continue to write in this way and I do believe it is the best way to write it. As you say that you can picture it. I appreciate the comment and I thank you for the opinion. 

[Peraso]

I think that I will continue to read this when more is written.

I appreciate the gesture and I hope you enjoy the read. I would gladly read from your part if you were to bring any to my attention. Thank you for your feedback

[Lumaria]

Personally, theres the same issues most people have. establishing a setting that not necessarily is clear. Is this in a real world? if not, theres really no need to mention a year so early.

the same with the name of the city. if you're using novel format, you still have to establish these things by showing rather than telling.

[Peraso]

Personally, theres the same issues most people have. establishing a setting that not necessarily is clear. Is this in a real world? if not, theres really no need to mention a year so early.

the same with the name of the city. if you're using novel format, you still have to establish these things by showing rather than telling.

Yes, I forgot to say that it is a fictional world, but I was going to say the meaning of the years later on in the story. On why the year is that one. As for the city, it will he an important point later on as the story progress.

Sorry if I this bothered you, sincere apologies, yet I do know why I did this. Thank you for reading.

[Lumaria]

Yes, I forgot to say that it is a fictional world, but I was going to say the meaning of the years later on in the story. On why the year is that one. As for the city, it will he an important point later on as the story progress.

Sorry if I this bothered you, sincere apologies, yet I do know why I did this. Thank you for reading.

There is no reason to mention the city.....and not define it...there is also no reason to mention the year aswell....not right away.

you have to establish these things subtly, not directly, if they matter later on. if they dont, in this moment, then don't mention them straight ahead. the key is to make this world feel real.

[Peraso]

I will work on that. This is my first story and so I really do not know how to arrange this. I have never really written anything of this format besides on the notes I make to myself of this story, so I would lile to apologize for any inconvenience. I will make sure to work on that. Since I guess the city name and the year are the problem here, I do not suppose the story is. At least I hope not.

[Lumaria]

no but it shows signs of whats to come.....its how you reveal information....you mention these names as if their important, but you dont establish them, look carefully in your series and see if it does that all over.

when u mention the year, are we suppose to say "ohh...that year..." or when you mention the name of the city, are we suppose to go "oh, that city"....

[Peraso]

I did say that the city and year are going to be important as the story continues. I may have not said that in the story itself, but I say it now. As to how I should write things, we are people with different types of writing. Take for example Sandra Cisneros on "La casa in Mango Street" and the famous George R R Martin in "A book of Ice and Fire" series. They do not follow format of other people and they introduce chapters by names of characters. Now, since they do this it goes to your matter of "that name". Martin names his chapters by names and so when you see them you do not really know who he talks about, hut as the story continues you get to know them. Cisneros focuses on each chapter on people and this tells you "Why name the chapter this?" As you read you begin to find out.

You have your way of writing things and I would like to write the things my way. We are all different, therefore I would like to introduce matters my way. I appreciate the feed back on the story, but my decisions is to apply it or not.

[Lumaria]

I did say that the city and year are going to be important as the story continues.

Doesn't matter.

I may have not said that in the story itself, but I say it now.

Say it in the story, even if you think its early. OR dont add it in so directly. i say this because this will affect the chapter. Its jsut one of those things that will leave you questioning your writing. Because its not about style, its about whether its good or not.
"show" don't "tell".  "YOU" are telling me the year it takes place in (and for a fantasy story, thats even more obscure).

But your STORY is what should be telling me. And if its not important, dont mention it until its relevant OR mention it subtly into the story where it comes off naturally.

As to how I should write things, we are people with different types of writing. Take for example Sandra Cisneros on "La casa in Mango Street" and the famous George R R Martin in "A book of Ice and Fire" series. They do not follow format of other people and they introduce chapters by names of characters. Now, since they do this it goes to your matter of "that name". Martin names his chapters by names and so when you see them you do not really know who he talks about, hut as the story continues you get to know them. Cisneros focuses on each chapter on people and this tells you "Why name the chapter this?" As you read you begin to find out.

What you are describing is similar to Quinten Tarantino's style where you don't know who you're talking to, or the whole situation, but that's the mystery that needs to be solved. Are you telling me that this story itself is a mystery?

Having a name of a character for a chapter title isn't a problem. that just helps to understand what the story is about. BUT, you are having a "setting" section, the chapter title isn't part of the story, but the setting of it is.

La Casa in Mango Street (also known as The House on Manga Street) is not what you claim it is. The story is set up more chronicle style, which really is about a coming of age of a girl living in a neighborhood. Each chapter may introduce a new character which most of the time aren't relevant later on. Although its difficult to understand what the story is about overall, each individual chapter is easy to understand.

You have your way of writing things and I would like to write the things my way. We are all different, therefore I would like to introduce matters my way. I appreciate the feed back on the story, but my decisions is to apply it or not.

I choose not to write novel style with manga because the transition between them changes more and more....however...that doesn't mean this is about my way versus yours. Especially when you admit that this is your first attempt at writing anything.

Like i said.....establishing a year so early on is irrelevant...will it be relevant later on? perhaps, but its not relevant overall. Ghost int he Shell for example has a specific year, but it never fully establishes a year within the story until they revisit a different time. Heck, they don't even mention what city it takes place in most of the time until it needs to be mentioned.


With that said.......you can find any "reason" you want to have a specific date this world sets in. Even if there's a time gap, or going back to the past...etc.  At this moment, irrelevant, and it shouldn't be mentioned so directly to the reader.

For the city, that's ok to mention early on, but put into context. Do you have a narrator that establishes the city and making it relevant?

[Peraso]

I would like to make my story a manga style one now that I see how it is more convenient. Makes the person imagine the scene I am putting and makes it easier for me to write. I do like the way you are trying to help me in my introductions on things, I now see how I should do so. Specially since it is my first time writing like this. I wish I could have more people like you and speak about this matters. I do still think this way of me introducing is okay, if it fails then it is my fault. I will take your opinion into account and I will try to implement it later on in this work or even other works, if I come up with any.

With that said I do like the way you are helping me in this and I do not have nothing against that, to a point. I do see you are trying to help me, at least that is how I see it, and I appreciate it. I would though like feedback on my story though.

The reason I came here is to see what people thought about the story I have come with. I will see such matters as the way I bring things about, but the story is what I care for. I want to see people what they see in my story, but I will also take comments as yours to implement them as an example to myself on how I should continue my writing. Which is good since it has to do with the story of course, how would I be able to write a story if I do not know how to put things nicely.