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Author Topic: Obsessive Freak's Scriptwriting practice, desire feedback  (Read 1950 times)

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Offline Thy Obsessive Freak

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Obsessive Freak's Scriptwriting practice, desire feedback
« on: July 07, 2014, 03:06:36 AM »
Okay, so now I've began writing the premise for each of my six ideas, which you can find here http://forums.mangaraiders.com/index.php/topic,11361.0.html , for the purposes of practicing and also to see if I can also attract potential artist and show him/her my writing.
I have two different ways of writing scripts, I call one freebird and the other structured (If these have actual names, someone please share). Freebirds for artists who prefer to have control over the panel and number of pages themselves (Or just how most the forum writes theirs scripts), structured is when they prefer to hand that to me. I can also make it even more structured and decide the layout, just that it would take me far longer to write it out.
Feel free to just criticize the script styles anyways.
Anyways this is also being done to practice. What I've done is included the target things I planned to introduce, but might have cut those out due to time or decided was better to save, either way I'll mentioned if I failed to include it. I also had target page numbers, but of course you'll see by the last page number whether I failed of succeeded.
So yes, I decide to start with the story idea that I'll have now written the opening for the fifth time now, but in a different format. I chose it for that particular reason because I was really tired, so therefore it was really easy to write considering the number of times I've written it.

Chitso Samake
Script style: Structured
Target things introduced: The humour, action, romance, the soul shredder, Chitso's awkwardness, Elementals, Kiton curse, Kiwizoe, Genevieve Bubbles and Merlick.
Target things I failed to introduce: Romance, Kiwizoe and the exposition on the soul shredder.
Target pages 26
Spoiler
SCENE: Bright morning over a forest around a large lake passing through it.

Page 1 (4 panels)
Panel 1: Birds chirping.

Panel 2: Wind blowing

Panel 3: Chitso Samake is unconscious in the water, drifting across it.

Panel 4: Close up of Chitso’s eyes opening

Page 2 (3 panels)
Panel 1: Chitso clumsily splashes and frolics in the water.

Panel 2: Chitso sits in the water embarrassed after realising its only knee deep.

Panel 3: Chitso looks around.

Chitso
Where am I?

Page 3 (5 panels)
Panel 1: Chitso looks at his hand.

Panel 2: Close up of Chitso’s hand.

Chitso
Who am I?

Panel 3: Chitso is startled.

Genevieve
(O.C)
Hey!

Panel 4: Chitso turns his head.

Panel 5: Chitso is awed.

Page 4 (2 pages)
Panel 1: Genevieve levitated off the ground by her wings made of sprites and her arms folded.

Panel 2: Close up Genevieve snarling.

Genevieve
Didn’t I warn you, Chitso Samake, that if you and those two Pison brothers not to snoop around here anymore?

Page 5 (4 panels)
Panel 1: Chitso grips his head.

Chitso
Wait?...

Panel 2: Closer up of Chitso’s lips.

Chitso
Chitso… Samake…

Panel 3: Genevieve confused.

Genevieve
Huh?

Panel 4: Looking over Genevieve’s shoulders at Chitso.

Genevieve
Yes, Chitso Samake, as in you.

Page 6 (6 panels)

Panel 1: Chitso staring at his hands.

Chitso
Chitso Samake… yeah, I-I

Panel 2: Chitso flinches.

Panel 3: Chitso falls back into the water riving in pain.

Panel 4: Close up of Chitso in agony.

Chitso
Gaagh! What’s happening!

Panel 5: Genevieve watching the scene concerned.

Genevieve
Oh no! It must be the curse!

Panel 6: Chitso still in pain, but eyes bulging.

Chitso
What! Curse!

Page 7 (5 panels)

Panel 1: Chitso flinches again.

Panel 2: Genevieve is stunned.

Panel 3: Looking at Genevieve looking at Chitso concerned, while Chitso is lying still in the water.

Genevieve
Chitso…

Panel 4: Close up Chitso’s frowning.

Genevieve
(O.C)
Are you alright?

Panel 5: A vague hand cover in shadows pulling out a throwing star.

Sound effect
crik

Page 8 (4 panels)

Panel 1: Chitso jumps to his feet.

Chitso
Look out

Panel 2: A throwing star is shot out of the bushes

Panel 3: Chitso pushes Genevieve out of the way and the throwing star goes pass them

Panel 4: The throwing star embeds itself into the tree.

Page 9 (4 panels)
Panel 1: Chitso shouts out.

Chitso
Show yourself!

Panel 2: The bushes ruffle.

Panel 3: Chitso pushes Genevieve behind her.

Chitso
Stay behind me

Panel 4: A robed blinded-folded warrior begins to emerge.

Page 10 (5 panels)

Panel 1: Five robed blinded-folded warriors stand ready.

Panel 2: Genevieve unsettled behind Chitso

Genevieve
Hunters of the Horoshi

Panel 3: Chitso looks over his shoulder at her.

Chitso
Who?

Panel 4: Genevieve panics.

Genevieve
Chitso look out!

Panel 5: Chitso’s eyes roll back.

Page 11 (4 panels)

Panel 1: A throwing star flies at Chitso.

Panel 2: Chitso reaches his hand out to block it.

Chitso
Yikes!

Panel 3: Chitso’s arm molds into water.

Panel 4: Chitso is shocked when his fires a blast of water that knocks the throwing star back.

Page 12 (5 panels)

Panel 1: The Horoshi jumps aside from the water blast.

Panel 2: Chitso screams at his hand that’s returned to normal.

Chitso
Just how did I do that!?

Panel 3: Close up of Genevieve confused.

Genevieve
Um, because you’re a Water elemental

Panel 4: Chitso looks back at her.

Chitso
A what!?

Panel 5: Genevieve points behind Chitso panicking.

Genevieve
Chitso! Would you just focus on the fight!

Page 13 (5 panels)

Panel 1: Chitso looks back at the Horoshi rushing him.

Panel 2: Chitso faces them.

Chitso
Genevieve! Get back now!

Panel 3: A Horoshi kicks at Chitso, but Chitso ducks aside.

Panel 4: Another Horoshi tries to kick from the side, but Chitso blocks it.

Panel 5: The first Horoshi that kicked tries to punch, but Chitso grabs it.

Page 14 (4 panels)

Panel 1: The Horoshi then grabs Chitso’s wrist.

Panel 2: Chitso is worried.

Panel 3: Another Horoshi tries to punch him.

Panel 4: Genevieve screams

Genevieve
Chitso!

Page 15 (1 Panel)

Panel 1: The punch connects, but Chitso explodes into water that splashes over the Horoshi.

Page 16 (3 Panels)

Panel 1: The Horoshi lay slump on the group, confused over what happened.

Panel 2: A pool of water moves across the ground.

Panel 3: The water begins to build up near Genevieve, but not too near.

Page 17 (3 panels)

Panel 1: The water finishes forming into Chitso, holding his mouth and stomach.

Chitso
Just how did I do that!?

Genevieve
You mean your element transform technique?

Panel 2: Chitso Samake panics.

Panel 3:  The Horoshi throw an grey orb at them.

Chitso
(O.C)
Yikes!

Page 18 (4 pages)

Panel 1: The orb smashes at Chitso’s feet and bursts into smoke.

Panel 2: Chitso watches it confused.

Panel 3: Genevieve reaches out to the huge smoke cloud that’s consumed him.

Genevieve
Chitso!

Panel 4: The Horoshi leap into the smoke cloud.

Page 19 (4 panels)

Panel 1: The smoke cloud

(sound effects)
Pow! Wham! Smack! Crack! Bam!

Panel 2: Genevieve looking on concerned.

Panel 3: Genevieve then looks at her wings

Genevieve
Wait

Panel 4: Genevieve then flaps her wings hard.

Page 20 (4 panels)

Panel 1: Smoke is blown aside and Chitso stands over four of the knocked down Horoshi, panting and bruised.

Panel 2: Genevieve looks at him amazed.

Genvive
Wow.

Panel 3: Chitso rolls his head.

Panel 4: The last Horoshi stands with his arm folded

Page 21 (5 panels)

Panel 1: Chitso smirks at him.

Chitso
Take it you’re the main guy huh?

Panel 2: Close up of Chitso’ fist clenching.

Chitso
(O.C)
Well I’ve got a surprise

Panel 3: White beads of energy start to coat around the fist.

Panel 4: The Horoshi pulls out a throwing star.

Panel 5: the Horoshi throws the weapon.

Page 22 (5 panels)

Panel 1: Chitso lifts him his glowing fist.

Panel 2: The throwing star begins to shed into white beads.

Panel 3: The throwing star bursts apart into white beads close to the glowing fist.

Panel 4: The Horoshi steps back shocked.

Panel 5: Chitso dashes up to the Horoshi.

Page 23

Panel 1: Chitso slugs the Horoshi across the face.

Panel 2: The Horoshi turns into white energy that starts breaking down into white beads.

Panel 3: The Horoshi then bursts apart.

Panel 4: Chitso then stands with remnants of white bead energy still lingering.

Page 24 (5 pages)

Panel 1: The Horoshi getting back up look in horror.

Panel 2: Chitso glares at him.

Chitso
You still want to go at it?

Panel 3: The Horoshi scatter.

Panel 4-5: The Horoshi disappear back into the bushes.

Page 25 (4 panels)

Panel 1: Genevieve watches amazed.

Genevieve
Wow…

Panel 2: Chitso continues to stand proudly.

Panel 3: Close up of Chitso

Chitso
You al-.

Panel 4: Chitso flinches.

Page 26 (4 panels)

Panel 1: Chitso drops down threshing pain.

Chitso
Ack! There’s that pain again!

Panel 2: Genevieve panics.

Panel 3: Genevieve rushes over

Genevieve
Don’t worry Chitso! I’m coming!

Panel 4:  View of the forest trees.

Page 27
(5 panels)

Panel 1: Another view of the forest.

Chitso
(O.C)
Gaagh!

Panel 2: Another view of the forest

Genevieve
(O.C)
Calm down Chitso so my pixies can heal you!

Panel 3: Close up of the frustrated pixies channelling their energy into Chitso’s bruises.

Chitso
(O.C)
I can’t help it. They’re just so ticklish!

Panel 4: Close up of Chitso trying not to laugh.

Panel 5: Genevieve sits with her chin in her hands unamused.

Page 28 (5 panels)

Panel 1: Both Chitso and Genvive sitting on a rock with Genevieve’s wings form into some form of siggly wave reaching over to Chitso.

Panel 2: Close up of Chitso awkward.

Chitso
So, uh, what’s your name again?

Panel 3: Genvive surprised.

Genevieve
Do you have amnesia or something?

Panel 4: Chitso scratching his chin.

Chitso
Well it took me a while to remember my own name so I guess so.

Panel 5: Genevieve with her eye brows furrowed.

Genvive
Well I guess it’s up to me to tell you the basics of your life

Page 29 (3 panels)

Panel 1: Genevieve takes a deep breath.

Panel 2: Genevieve begins to rant.

Genevieve
Your names Chitso Samake, you’re an water elemental of the Empire Ossuka guild. Elementals are people born with an exceptional amount of chi that has imitated a single source and can then be uses to form what’s called techniques. You have two best friends named Burendan and Ruisus! I think your favourite food with is beef ribs if I recall! You love plays! And your cursed!

Panel 3: Chitso watches her surprised.

Chitso
Okay, wow, that’s quite a bit

Page 30 (4 panels)

Panel 1: Chitso realises.

Chitso
Wait! The curse thing! Just what is that about

Panel 2: Genevieve presses her chin with her finger.

Genevie
Well I don’t know a lot about how. But I do know what you have is called the Kiton curse. The Kiton curse is normally made when love doesn’t work out between a Kiton and someone from a different race. It happens instinctively so Kiton don’t do it on purpose. But anyways, the person whose curse is meant to die in agonising pain. You didn’t though.

Panel 3: Chitso sweats nervously.

Chitso
Any idea why?

Panel 4: Genevieve shrugs.

Genevieve
Something to do with you breaking up with the Kiton and not the other way around like how it’s supposed

Page 31

Panel 1: Chitso sits anxiously worried.

Panel 2: Chitso then realises.

Chitso
Wait!

Panel 3: Chitso continues speaking.

Chitso
You still haven’t told me anything about you yet. Who are you?

Panel 4: Genevieve smiles

Genevieve
Oh yeah you’re right!

Page 32 (5 panels)

Panel 1: Genevieve poses.

Genevieve
My names Genevieve Bubbles. I’m also a member of the Ossuka Empire guild or at least I’m under protection by it. I’m a Forest spirit, a being who is literally the spirit of the forest. I’m what keeps it a live and growing.

Panel 2: Chitso looks at her stunned.

Chitso
Uh, wow. So why were those Horoshi hunters attacking you?

Panel 3: Genevieve stands depressed.

Genevieve
Sigh, most likely to get rid of the forest. There are people who wish to build things like houses, forts and all kind of things Forest spirit lands. Real power, like the government, won’t protect us because we don’t live in settlements and choose to live in the wilds, not like we have that choice. So we have to rely on the elemental guilds for protection oh.

Panel 4: Chitso sits nodding.

Chitso
Oh, I get it.

Panel 5: Close up of Chitso’s ears.

Merlick
(O.C)
Yo! Chitso! Finally found you.

Page 33 (4 panels)

Panel 1: Chitso stares blankly

Chitso
Genevieve…

Panel 2: Chitso grasps his head.

Panel 3: Chitso Samake screams.

Chitso
They are voices in my head!

Panel 4: Genevieve’s wings have retracted to her and she reaches out to Chitso whose kicking his legs out.

Genevieve
Chitso! Calm down! What are you trying to say!?

Page 34 (5 panels)

Panel 1: Chitso rolling and kicking on the ground.

Merlick
(O.C)
Chitso! It’s me Merlick!

Panel 2: Close up of Chitso screaming.

Chitso
Waagh! The voices are calling itself Merlick! What do I do!

Panel 3:  Genevieve waves her hands at Chitso.

Genevieve
Chitso, Merlicks is a psychic friend of yours

Panel 4: Chitso pauses.

Chitso
Oh?

Merlick
(O.C)
Who is that you’re talking to?

Chitso
Genevieve.

Merlick
(O.C)
Hold on.

Panel 5: Genevieve looks up in the air.

Genevieve
Oh hey Merlick.

Page 35 (7 pages)

Panel 1: Chitso watches confused.

Genevieve
(O.C)
He has amnesia… I don’t know how… I don’t know… I just found in lying in the water of my domain… no there isn’t a bruise-... Okay…

Panel 2: Genevieve looks at Chitso.

Genevieve
Merlick wants to meet you at the Laidback Inn. He says he’ll use his psychic powers to heal you

Panel 3: Chitso jumps up with his fist raised.

Chitso
Right! Let’s go!

Panel 4: Chitso then embarrassingly smile at Genevieve innocently.

Chitso
Uh, could you come with, because I don’t know where that is

Panel 5: Chitso’s head vibrates.

Panel 6: Chitso’s eyes are wide.

Chitso
Nevermind, I think Merlick just transplanted the locations into my head

Panel 7: Chitso gives an awkward grin.

Chitso
Can still come with it you want?

Page 36 (6 panels)

Panel 1: Genevieve waves her hand smiling.

Genevieve
Um no, that’s alright. I really don’t want to be anywhere near Merlick

Panel 2: Chitso concerns.

Chitso
Why? He’s not dangerous is here?

Panel 3: Genevieve gives a spiteful look.

Genevieve
No, he’s just a leader of a different guild who keeps burrowing you from ours without our permission. He’s also an arrogant mooch with anger issues

Panel 4: Chitso stares.

Chitso
And somehow this guy’s my friend

Panel 5: Genevieve holds up her hands.

Genevieve
Yeah, I don’t know why either. But right now he’s the best you’ve got for restoring your memories. He’s the only psychic I know that would be willing.

Panel 6: Chitso nods

Chitso
Okay.

Page 37

Panel 1: Chitso smiles.

Chitso
See you later than

Panel 2: Genevieve nods.

Genevieve
See you later to

Panel 3: Chitso then marches off into the forest.


The Last hero returns
Script style: Freebird
Target things introduced: The humour, Dare's rouge skills. Zenedoro's fast-talking, the Mysterious woman and the mystery, Thale, Champions of the Gods, action, The Archidamian war
Target things I failed to introduce: The Spartans, Sorita and anything to do with her, Phalus, the brink of another war and the exposition Champions of the Gods
Target words 2,000words
Spoiler

SCENE HEADING
Underneath the deep sea where there is fish swimming around the seaweed.

DIALOGUE
Mysterious woman
(O.C)
Arise warrior… Do you hear me?... Arise I said.

ACTION
Move in closer through the sea where there is no undersea life but sea weed and the water is darker.

DIALOGUE
Mysterious woman
(O.C)
Forget the horrors and betrayal that are marked deep within your soul.

ACTION
Move closer to see the outline of a man tangled in seaweed.

DIALOGUE
Mysterious woman
(O.C)
And start anew. Live once more…

ACTION
Close up of the man’s shut eye.

DIALOGUE
Mysterious woman
(O.C)
And fight for Greece once more.

ACTION
The man’s eyes open and he gargles. He tears apart the seaweed rooting him from the ground and then swims towards the surface. He emerges out and roars into the sky.

The man swims around in place disorientated.

DIALOGUE
Mysterious woman
(O.C)
This way warrior…

ACTION
The man spins around and the spots the forest shore.

DIALOGUE
Mysterious woman
(O.C)
To me…

ACTION
The man hesitates, but then swims forward. He steps onto the shore and stares into the forest.

DIALOGUE
Mysterious woman
(O.C)
Hurry now! Hurry! They are close! Hurry I said!

ACTION
The man grunts, but then sprints into the forest. Jumping over fallen trees and ducking through branches.

DIALOGUE
Mysterious woman
(O.C)
Hurry! They are almost upon you.

The man
Who?

ACTION
A warrior armed with a shield rams into the man’s side, knocking him into a tree. The man shakes his head and sees the warrior is in full darkish-grey hoplite cloak.  The man bears his teeth and gets to his feet.

DIALOGUE
The man
What do you want with me!?

ACTION
The warrior jumps at him, slashes his sword at the man, but he dodges it and punches his fist into his cheek. The warrior is only dazed, but then the man removes his shield from him and uses it to bash across him. The man then steps over the warrior with shield ready to slam in him.

DIALOGUE
The man
I said! What do you want with me!

Mysterious warrior
(O.C)
Impressive warrior.

ACTION
The man turns his head and sees more warriors like the one on the ground stalking in the shadows. One he can almost see clearly through his helmet visors with gaunt face.

DIALOGUE
Mysterious warrior
Sadly we have for you on Hades’ behalf to claim you.

The man
What?

Mysterious woman
(O.C)
Not so fast.

ACTION
The warriors turn to see a robed woman wearing a theatre mask.

DIALOGUE
Mysterious woman
I have already made a bargain with Hades for the rights of his soul. He is going nowhere.

ACTION
The gaunt face warrior paces forward.

DIALOGUE
Mysterious warrior
If that is true, it would be some price indeed. I doubt there’d be anyone you would be able to leave Tartarus.

Mysterious woman
Yours is not to ask, but to serve Champions of Hades, now be off with you.

Mysterious warrior
…Very well, I can sense indeed, this bargain, but I pray that it was wise that you would let a person like this walk the earth again.

ACTION
The warriors disappear into the forest. The man watches them leave and then gives a weary look to the masked woman.

DIALOGUE
The man
Just who are you?

Mysterious woman
You are unpermitted to ask me any questions. Only know that for now on your name is Thale and that we are to head on a journey to save Greece.

SCENE
Ramshackle village surrounded by the forest.

ACTION
A gang of thugs escort a cart of goods into their home. A duo, both dressed with a Greek farmer hat and robes, but one a human and the other a red-bearded satyr.

DIALOGUE
Satyr
Are you seriously wanting to go through with this, Zenodoros? I mean if we get caught, we’re as good as dead.

Zenodoros
Well it isn’t like we have a choice Dare. They’re going to execute the wrong man for theft. Can’t really leave it on our consciousness when we knew we could’ve done something, especially when it’s an innocent father of six children.

Dare
I suppose you’re right. But I just wish you’d come up with a different plan than the same usual.

Zenodoros
It’s always worked hasn’t it? Well not always, but it’s had a pretty good success ratio. Plus you should know where to find them thanks to the house layout plans we stole.

Dare
Sigh, let’s just get this over with.

SCENE
Inside the dark dank home of the thugs.

ACTION
Thugs sit around the table dice gambling and chatting. One of them then enters through the door

DIALOGUE
Thug
Tito, you have someone who wishes a word from you. He says he’s from the Horridshadow gang.

ACTION
Thugs are in shock.

DIALOGUE
Tito
The Horridshadow!? L-let him in!

ACTION
Zenodoro’s footsteps in and the Zenodoros stands proudly before them.

DIALOGUE
Tito
Huh? You don’t seem like someone from the Horridshadow.

Zenodoros
Well everyone looked identical we’d be a bit too easy for people to catch us. But if you really don’t think I’m one of the Horridshadow members, I can go back and tell it to my boss who will want compensation for having to waste so much time trying to get to talk to you.

Tito
Um, well could I get some proof at least that your of the Horridshadow.

Zenodoros
I guess if you insist.

ACTION
Zenodoros rolls down his sleeve to show a smoke shaped bracelet causing the men to gasp.

DIALOGUE
Tito
A-A lieutenant!

Zenodoros
Ah, finally a little respect. So yeah, I want you all to sit down and listen because this is big!

SCENE Thug walks back to his post, but trips up on a piece of string and is met by a punch. The thug is knocked unconscious while Dare dances around holding his fist.

DIALOGUE
Dare
Gaa-raagh!

ACTION
Dare takes a few deep breaths and then goes sneaking around the place. He goes into the junction where he can see the door slightly open to where Zenodoros is.

DIALOGUE
Zenodoros
By stealing all the cabbages, we’ll have increased the demand for them. Cabbages are more popular than you think after all and when they’re-

ACTION
Dare smirks and shakes his head and continues.  He is startled when he spots a thug guarding a door, before the thug sees him, Dare barrel rolls into a random room. The thug hears the thump Dare made and investigates. When he enters the room, he slips on some dropped oranges.

As the thug tries to get his head together, Dare gently drops the empty barrel and sneaks around him. He then heads in the room that he was guarding

DIALOGUE
Thug
(O.C)
Just who dropped all these oranges in here!?

ACTION
Dare finds himself the storage room filled with chests and vases and looks around frantically.

DIALOGUE
Dare
Oh come on.

ACTION
Dare starts looking in the pots and chests.

The thug tries to get himself up again, but slips on the oranges.

DIALOGUE
Thug
(O.C)
Would someone give me a hang!

ACTION
Dare continues to search and finally finds a golden statue inside a chest that had gold horns inscribed on the lid.

DIALOGUE
Dare
Thank the Gods!

Other thug
(O.C)
What’s going on?

Thug
(O.C)
Someone dropped all these oranges!

Other thug
(O.C)
What we’re you even doing in here?

Thug
I-I thought I heard someone here.

Other thug
Just get back to your post. I’ll have someone else deal with this mess

ACTION
Thug walks back to the room grumbling. He looks into the storeroom and then Dare leaps out and stuffs his head into a vase. Dare then throws the thug into the room and runs out and pass the other thug  who was just walking back.

DIALOGUE
Dare
How’s you doing?!

Other thug
Hey!

SCENE Back in the room with Zenodoros speaking to the gang.

DIALOGUE
Zenodoros
So that’s proposition eleven, the next one.

Tito
Enough! I was hoping the Horridshadows would have a more challenging and rewarding proposition rather than stealing cabbages, scaring children in their sleep and streaking in front of politicians!

Zenodoros
Hey, it’s unorthodox compared to what we normally do, but that’s why we need someone like your gang doing it.

Tito
Just what are you saying!?

ACTION
The other thug bursts through the door.

DIALOGUE
Other thug
Boss! A satyr just stole one of our goods.

Tito
What do you mean a satyr!

Zenodoros
Whoops, must’ve left the door behind me. You know how can find a satyr if you forget to leave those things closed.

ACTION
Tito leers.

DIALOGUE
Tito
You’re not from the HorridShadows are you?

Zenodoros
Heh, was beginning to think it was going to be too hard to figure that out.

Tito
Boys… I want you to rip him apart.

ACTION
Thugs get off their sheets.

DIALOGUE
Zenodoros
Wait! Don’t you want to see a magic trick first?

ACTION
Zenodoros shows a blue pebble with a marking on it and then blows on it, filling the room with mist that blinds everyone.

DIALOGUE
Tito
(O.C)
Darn it! Stop him! Stop him!

ACTION
The mist clears and the thugs are scattered around the floor with chairs knocked over.

DIALOGUE
Thug
Was that a wizard?

Tito
No! He just used a cheap spell with the use of an enchanted item. But it doesn’t matter!

ACTION
Tito points out the door.

DIALOGUE
Tito
(Continued)
I want him and that Satyr found!

SCENE Inside a bustling tavern, where the masked woman and Thale on opposite sides of the table.

ACTION
The masked woman sits quietly while Thale is now dressed in a tunic and sandals whilst eating a roasted boar.

DIALOGUE
The masked woman
Be finished soon, your help will be needed shortly.

ACTION
Thale rubs his mouth using his arm.

DIALOGUE
Thale
Why?

The masked woman
The two were on the verge of success of helping the village but are unaware that there was no success in their plan to begin with.

Thale
I mean why does it have to be me who saves them?

The masked woman
This village is damaged by causes of the Archidamian war where honourable men died and all sorts of losses led men to pray upon others. It has caused it to become corrupt that the only way to save these two will be with your strength and fighting ability

Thale
And these two matter why?

The masked woman
Are you actually willing to let two people die?

Thale
No, I was just seeing if you were going to keep answering my questions.

The masked woman
I guess it is alright to ask questions about the task at hand. But anything to do about my identity, future tasks or who you are, I will not answer.

Thale
And just why?

The masked woman
…Because they will have great consequences if I do answer them.

ACTION
Thale is shocked.

The masked woman then gets up.

The masked woman
Now let’s go those two will not have long if we keep sitting here.

SCENE Out in the village streets.

ACTION
Tito leads five of his thugs through the streets.

DIALOGUE
Tito
When I get my hands on those two I’ll

Dare
(O.C)
Hey, Zenodoros, isn’t that Tito?

ACTION
Tito looks up and sees Zenodoros and Dare give a fake panic look.

DIALOGUE
Zenodoros
Why yes, I think it is.

Dare
Let’s run for it!

ACTION
Dare and Zenodoros dash off around the corner. Tito chases after him. When he gets around the corner he finds the two playfully hanging around three militia men.

DIALOGUE
Militia
Just what is this?

ACTION
Dare drops the chest into Militia’s hand.

DIALOGUE
Zenodoros
We wish to oppose Tito as the real criminal who stole the valuable idol and did it to frame someone who refused to pay his protection money. We have testimonial witness, evidence and even Tito here who you saw was trying to stop us.

ACTION
A sword’s blade appears at Zenodoros’ throat.

DIALOGUE
Zendoros
Huh?

ACTION
A blade is also at Dare’s throat, both blades from the militia. Tito now grins.

DIALOGUE
Tito
Fools, did you not think that my control over this village would also reach to over the militia?

Zenodoros
To be honest no or we would’ve forgotten this plan.

Dare
Really we didn’t think you were this powerful or why go to such lengths to frame someone?

Tito
I am this village; anyone who defy me is also defying the village. Therefore I wanted that worm to punished as a criminal of village.

Zenodoros
I see, so you’re going to take your time and find a way to get the village to punish us, is that right?

Tito
Heh, no. I can see you both a don’t clever to be left alive.

Dare
I take it you don’t have a plan?

Zenodoros
To be honest Dare, nope. It was great known you as a best friend.

Dare
You two.

Tito
Ready men?

Thale
Halt!

ACTION
Tito and his thugs turn around and down the streets his Thale standing with his arms folded and fists clenched.

DIALOGUE
Thale
You rip one piece of skin off either of them and I make sure you regret it.

Dare
Take it he’s someone you know?

Zenodoros
If I did I’d definitely remember.

Tito
You have a lot of courage to make a threat like that.

Thale
Really?

ACTION
Tito’s face twists angrily.

DIALOGUE
Tito
Of course! We outnumber you! You have no weapons and- Wait you’re just mocking me aren’t you.

Thale
How about you just shut up and let the two go!

Thug
Don’t worry boss, we’ll teach this guy some respect.

ACTION
The thugs charge out, three carrying clubs and two holding daggers. Thale waits for them. One of the thugs stabs his knife at him, but Thale dodges it and then headbutts him, propelling his head into the crowd. While the hugs are then stunned, Thale drops one and throws him right through the third-story window. A thug then clubs against his back, but his club breaks instead. Thale then shadows over the thug who did it. The other two remaining thugs gawk and then watch their friend fly back folded over his stomach. They turn back to see their friend smashed into a cart that nearly broke apart. The two thugs look back at Thale glaring at them. They drop their weaposn

DIALOGUE
Thug
You know what boss, we’ll go and get reinforcements, yeah reinforcements!

ACTION
The two thugs then flee. Tito gawks in disbelief, he then turns back to the militia soldiers

DIALOGUE
Tito
Well! Hurry up and kill the two.

ACTION
The soldiers flinch, they then look at Thale glaring at them.

DIALOGUE
Thale
Do that and you’ll be wishing what I did to these three was what I did you all instead.

ACTION
The soldiers cringe and the flee. Zenodoros and Dare then rub their necks relieved.

DIALOGUE
Zenodoros
Okay, looks like we owe you our lives stranger, any reason.

ACTION
The masked woman steps from around a street corner.

DIALOGUE
The masked woman
We have need of the satyr as a forest guide.

Dare
Huh? Why the forest?

The masked woman
You have no need to know.

Zenodoros
Well as attractive as I bet you are underneath that mask, it’s him we owe are lives to.

The masked woman
Actually if I not instructed him, he would’ve not been here.

Thale
You mean asked.

Zenodoros
Okay, right, fair enough, doesn’t change the question though why you want to go into the forest. If you tell us where you need to go I bet we can think of a safe road.

The masked woman
You’ll just have to do as I say.

ACTION
Zenodoros looks back at Thale.

DIALOGUE
Zendoros
Take it she saved your life as well.

Thale
Something like that.

Dare
Anyways, shouldn’t we do something about this guy?

ACTION
They look at Titos down on his knees scratching the ground frustrated.

DIALOGUES
Zenodoros
Good point. He has a bigger hold over this town than I thought and is probably going to take it out on them.

The masked woman
Oh don’t worry, there is a solution, Thale.

SCENE Titos is hanging on a pole over his own house with Zenodoros and Dare throwing his belongings into his crowd. The masked woman and Thale watching from the street.

DIALOGUE
The masked woman
With this, Titos will have lost all respect and resources to hold any real power over the village.

Thale
How do you another won’t just take his place.

The masked woman
The village will not want another Tito and there is a far greater threat that looms that will unite the village from having it divided by criminal lords.

Thale
Do you speak of the same threat we are after?

The masked woman
No… We are after an even greater threat… But now we must seek the boy of all solutions.

Offline everlastin01

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Re: Obsessive Freak's Scriptwriting practice
« Reply #1 on: July 09, 2014, 01:30:48 AM »
It is neat and organized. Also it is very easy to figure where stuff goes.
Coryn's assistant

and Rouge Student (Galactic Raiders)


Offline Thy Obsessive Freak

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Re: Obsessive Freak's Scriptwriting practice
« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2014, 11:25:21 AM »
Posting what I've done so far of the Last hero returns while I have internet. Please give feedback.

Offline Thy Obsessive Freak

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Re: Obsessive Freak's Scriptwriting practice, desire feedback
« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2014, 05:33:53 PM »
Okay, now I finished the script for the Last hero returns, kind of disappointed with it as it seems like an ordinary but watered down action shonen except it takes place in Ancient Greece. It wouldn't have seemed so watered down if I had made a more epic fight, but I realized I had left no hint and was too tired and running out of time to go back and add a hint that Tito had something up his sleeve otherwsie him having powerful to challenge Thale would've just been worse.
I hope though that the storytelling and writing is good, but if it gets turned into a comic/manga I will most likely re-write it immediately, at least the village scene
But yeah was pushing to get this down as I've just started being able to write again and wanted to show and write something.

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Obsessive Freak's Scriptwriting practice, desire feedback
« Reply #5 on: July 15, 2014, 07:43:49 PM »
Structure in your scripts is pretty useful. I think there is a limitation with how far all caps can differentiate from the rest though especially for the last hero. But it may be the forums fault that it's hard to use italics or bold font.

The first style of script may feel restrictive to certain authors. It could work for yourself as a strict plan to adhere to though. It could definitely cut down on time taken thinking up the appropriate shots on your own.

Second one seems free-er, but it's not a script style I ever got used to. Just my personal preferences though.

I could only skim through the stories so I didn't pay them strict attention, but the last hero catches my eye more. The names are mouthfulls though.

Offline Thy Obsessive Freak

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Re: Obsessive Freak's Scriptwriting practice, desire feedback
« Reply #6 on: July 16, 2014, 03:50:28 AM »
Thanks Legomaestro, mainly wanted to see if I was good at writing either Freebird and Structured. Right now the choices just matter depending if I do get an artist than he/she can choose how he/she works, with the addition I can keep adjusting the structure of the scripts in general.

Also good to get some feedback, was getting kind of emotional as I was needing to know if the storytelling was also good, being that I'm more use to writing this stuff as prose... but then I remembered I sorted that problem by first writing it as a prose and then as a script, so now I'm more okay.

But it's great I've gotten some feedback.

Though disappointing that first feedback prefers something I've only written twice over something I've written five times (Probably six). But can't really complain, guess The last hero returns is more pioneering  with it's Ancient Greek culture in a Shonen world.

Offline legomaestro

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Re: Obsessive Freak's Scriptwriting practice, desire feedback
« Reply #7 on: July 16, 2014, 07:38:43 AM »
May just be me. As soon as I see romance pointed out as a genre in my mind I already deduct points of interest. Female protagonists also tend not to be my cup of tea. Unless they are like Revy from Black Lagoon they tend to be helpless and dreamy. Again, personal preferences. Dunno about everlastin or what others would think